*Author's note* Alright, a few things. This is my first attempt at a fanfic. In fact this is probably the longest piece of work I've ever written. Second, please go easy on me, I don't write often and I know I'm pretty bad. Third, if you don't think this fits the OMG universe at all, err, well let's just say that I've haven't seen much of the anime or magna. I've just read other people's fanfics. If it makes it easier, just pretend that this isn't the OMG universe and it is just about some kid becoming a god. And yes, I am a kid writing this. So read and tell me what you think if you can find out my email address. And about this being a self-insert. I know they are evil, but I was weak and was seduced by the dark side of the Force. Hmm, well, that's close enough to the truth. Fourth, this is basically an experiment for me. I'm using this story to work on my style and plots and such. I'm still trying to figure out *how* to write so you will probably see several differences between each chapter/part. Tell me what you like and what you don't like! *

* DISCLAMER * I've got no idea who owns what characters. But the Oh My Goddess characters do no belong to me. And Freddy is property of Freddy.

Okay?

{ } voices in RL, these are not a part of the story.



Chapter 1

"The client is too young, I can't grant him a wish yet!" The girl cried out, dropping her spoon in her ice cream at the same time in shock.

"He isn't that young, besides there have been cases where wishes were granted to even younger kids." replied Urd with a mischievous smile pasted on her face.

"Not since Joan of Arc! And we had to end a war in that case! There has to be a bug somewhere," resort Skuld, "besides, why do *I* have to grant a wish?! I thought that Belldandy is suppose to be doing that!" Skuld demanded.

Urd sighed, she knew it was going to be hard to convince Skuld, but she had an ace up her sleeve.

"First of all, Sis can't grant wishes, she has to stay with Keiichi, besides, it wasn't my idea! See?" she stuck the paper into Skuld's face, "There! I've got written orders from The Almighty. Apparently he wants you to get out a bit more and gain some experience in the world. You spend *way* too much time stuck in your room," and way too much time trying to interfere with our sister and her boyfriend. She added silently. Besides, I personally made sure that you would have to grant the wish of this guy. You need to see how it is to be in love with a mortal!

Flashback to Urd tapping at a computer. She is laughing manically. It is obviously late at night and Urd is just a *little* drunk.

"Ha ha ha! This will teach that brat! I just know that I'll be able to get them together! What is a little age difference for the Cupid of Love! After all, she is only a couple thousand years older than him. And he is just so perfect!!! All I got to do is move him up the list a little!"

Back to the present

With a smirk she tossed a somewhat thin folder onto the table in front of Skuld.

"There, everything you need to know about your client." Except for a few tidbits that I've taken out to ensure that this client will hold a few surprises. And unknown to Urd, even more pages had been removed from the folder earlier for entirely different reasons.

Skuld grumbled, "Oh alright! But you are going to owe me a lot of ice cream!" She read the folder and as her eyes came across a particularly important section she facefaulted. Recovering, she shouted, "Urd! How am I supposed to grant him a wish?! He doesn't even use a phone!!!"



Story's Start At Last:

Part I: "Zark, That Hurts!"

An 'Oh My Goddess' self-insertion fanfic

By Freddy Isnot (AKA Freddy)

{Thanks to my editors}

{That title sucks}

Chapter 2

Opening the door, I entered my home, and gave a gasp of relief at the sound of the a/c droning away. It is *hot* outside!

"That feels better," I wiped off some sweat with the back of my hand. Locking the door behind me, I called out, "Mom, food?" Catching a view on myself in the mirror/door of the closet next to the front door I grinned at the picture of disarray I present. The reflection hit himself in the forehead with the heel of his hand as he cried out, "Stupid! Mom isn't home! That retreat thingy for two weeks." I paused trying to remember what happened and I came to four conclusions:

One, Mom wasn't home so it would much harder for me to get something to eat.

Two, I was home alone for about 2 weeks.

Three, I really needed to comb my hair. A haircut probably wouldn't hurt either. My curly brown hair was starting to get in my eyes. Nah, won't happen, I just don't care enough.

And last of all, why bother to eat when I could use the computer!

Perhaps I should mention at this time how much time I spend on the computer. In two words: too much. I'm addicted to the Internet. I spend most of my waking hours reading email, traveling from site to site, playing online games, bugging the zark out of other people, and such. My current favorite game is an online, multiplayer role playing game I had only begun a couple weeks earlier. I have two characters in it, one a Ranger and the other an Empath (or also known as a Healer).

I love that game. In it I'm not just some stupid nerd sitting in the corner reading a book. I'm a ranger who keeps getting lost or joking around with some friends while getting blown up by boxes. Or I can be a healer doing my best to save lives in hospitals or occasionally exploring the countryside to help whomever I can, while accidentally killing myself by trying to heal too many people. My characters' lives are nearly like stories, much more interesting than real life. I often wish I could have a life like that. Like a story. Wish I could have a different kind of life. That I could do something with my life.

Land of Confusion, Genesis

I made a beeline to for the kitchen and set a kettle of water on the fire and almost ritualistically prepared a cup of green tea. Keeping a careful eye on the brimming mug I took the steps three at a time bounding upstairs to my room, or rather, rooms. There are advantages to being the only child. One being that I had the entire third floor of the house for myself. Without bothering to shuck my jacket or my fedora, I sat myself down in front of the computer and logged onto the game. I connected instantly. Cable modems are the best!

My ranger appeared where he had last been. In the middle of a forest. Hmm, maybe I could find some cougars to fight. I took my sling off of my belt and loaded it with a small rock. Normally Rangers used longbows or light to medium edged swords. However, I was trying to gain as much of a variety of different weapons skills as possible. I know how to fight with a longbow, sling, staff, light edged weapons, and also to just brawl with my bare hands. While most other people started and concentrated on only one or two weapon skills, I was a bit more diverse. It isn't a very smart strategy for the lower level characters, which is what I was.

Anyway, I decided to work on my hiding skills as well and began sneaking from room to room, fairly confident that I would be able to sneak up on a cougar and be able to strike first. I met a few fellow rangers in my quest to find an open room to hunt in. We swapped a few hunting stories and then I continued. Fortunately the next room I entered was empty so I hid myself to wait for a cougar.

I didn't get a chance to.

No sooner had I hidden myself than a new character entered the room and I must admit that I was surprised at the name and title of the character. It is not too often that a player is allowed to name them self as a goddess as this "Skuld, Goddess of the Future" did.

I spoke "in character" while remaining safely hidden.

She looked around upon hearing my voice. "Is your name… Freddy?" Now I was *extremely* surprised. Players do *not* just go around casually talking "out of character" in this game. It is strictly forbidden and the punishment would be swift. And I was even more surprised that she knew my real name. My friends in real life would only recognize my character's name, and I seriously doubted that any of my friends played this game.

By this time "Skuld, Goddess of the Future" had taken out some kind of beeping device. My surprise grew even further. Technology was one thing *not* allowed either. This person has to have been one of Gods, the programmers of the game. I never even knew that they played in the game like this – breaking so many of their own rules.

Deciding to ignore game etiquette for a moment I spoke out of character as well, "Yeah, I'm Freddy. Why are you asking?"

She straightened up and pointed out my hiding place forcing me to reveal myself. Another breech of game etiquette, one never points out other people's hiding places except under special circumstances. I swore silently to myself, she had better be a God, or rather a Goddess, else she would quickly find herself in a lot of trouble. Well, however much trouble that a young, inexperienced, level 6 Ranger could possibly produce. Which probably wouldn't be all that much.

"I am Skuld, the Goddess of the Future, and I am here to grant you one wish." She intoned. Okay, maybe this was a special circumstance.

"Huh? A God coming to grant me a wish?" I slipped back into my ranger persona. I was confused, I had never heard of the programmers ever doing this sort of thing. Granting favors or alteration to characters for completing quests or winning contests, maybe, but this? They don't just give out such things for free though, and I haven't been around long enough to do anything significant.

"Goddess!" she insisted.

"Oh, okay, a Goddess coming to grant me a wish? Are you really a programmer?" I doubted that anyone would intentionally pretend to be one, unless they were trying to steal passwords, but that didn't seem to be the case here.

"Well, I'm not exactly a programmer, I'm a debugger." Well, I guess that made her a Goddess anyway. "But right now I've been assigned to the Goddess Relief Office and you have been selected because you have a good heart." She said annoyed. Okay, that answered a couple of questions, but it raised even more. For one, what is the Goddess Relief Office?

"Good heart? Um, how would you know?"

"Trust me, even though you are young, we have been watching you long enough to know." Well, my character was young. But why would they have been watching me?! Wait, I think I had read in the game news forums that the Gods were planning on doing something like that. Wow, they actually selected me!

"Get over being so amazed and just wish." Now annoyance was clearly evident in her voice. If I didn't know better I would swear she could read my mind. She snickered, I frowned.

"Uh, just what can I wish for?" Could I get an alteration done to my character? Or would it merely be for a special item of some sort or what? Maybe a purse filled with an endless supply of gold or something.

"What don't you get here? It is a wish! Almost no limits or restrictions! A Class one wish! If you wanted to you could wish for the destruction of the world!" She frowned, "Though you probably wouldn't have been granted a wish if you were that kind of person." I'll say, if they actually did destroy the world in this game, it would take forever to write the new programming and rewrite the descriptions. Though it probably would be a really fun to play in a world like that. Then an idea struck me. I don't know where the idea came from but it just popped into my head. She did say anything, right? Could it be even remotely possible for me to become a programmer too? I know I'm underage, but it doesn't hurt to ask. My fingers tapped out my wish almost before I realized what I was wishing for.

"I wish I could be God and help out people like you do. Could you teach me?"

A couple months earlier I probably wouldn't even have thought of a wish like that. The being God part, particularly. I hold some rather strong religious beliefs though I often don't show it. One of them is that no one can be God. Not even in the game, but it was almost like a little voice inside of me was telling me to word my wish in exactly this manner.

I was not prepared for the response.

My innocent glass of water, which I had put aside, fairly exploded as a girl shot out of it. Don't ask me how, I haven't the foggiest. My confusion compounded when I discovered her levitating above me.

That is when the fireworks began.

Her body gave off a dazzling blaze of light as the sort of hum – the kind typically associated with the activation of doomsday weapons – grew. Energy crackled as I felt the hairs on the back of my head raise. I began to fear for my life.

*What is going on?!* But I didn't have much time to think of this, for suddenly a beam of light shot up from her forehead and in a solemn voice, she said, "Your wish has been approved."

This is when the second beam of light decided to hit me.

Rather painfully I might add.

Pain! Absolute, unadulterated, incomprehensive pain. As the light coursed through my body I felt as if I was being ripped apart and made anew. All of my darkness, all of my sins where sought out by the light and brunt away. It was a whole new meaning to the term, 'born again'. A detached portion of my mind was able to 'watch' as the light dug itself into my soul, cleansing me. It came upon a dark growth which didn't seem like it was quite right. As if it didn't belong. The spot of darkness refused to give itself up to the light. A battle raged in me. Just before unconsciousness claimed me, I observed the darkness scattering itself entirely throughout my soul.

I must have been out only for mere seconds. I awoke to discover the light fading from the girl's and my body. My glasses were, for some reason, causing my eyes to water and cross. And my entire body felt like it had been ripped apart then put back together with duct tape. Blinking hard I took my glasses off and suddenly I was able to see clearly. For the first time in ten years I had a perfect vision! My senses were almost overwhelming me, they all seemed sharper as the world came into focus. As a result, it also sharpened my pain.

Trying my best to organize my thoughts I spoke out loud very slowly,

"Do I want to know what just happened?"

Chapter 3

In Heaven a computer terminal flashed warningly.

Warning: Wish granting restriction diagnostics have been temporarily suspended.

Resume subroutine? Y/N

A finger tapped on the Y.

Wish granting restriction diagnostics now resumed.

A minor deity standing before the terminal raised a wrist to glance at a jeweled watch before reaching for the phone. Dialing an insanely long number then waited for three rings before the phone was picked up on the other side.

"Sir, its been done."

"Not a problem, sir. Just remember, you owe me one."

As the phone was replaced, the deity casually remarked, "Wonder what that was all about anyway, there weren't any wishes scheduled for today, were there?"

Chapter 4

The next thing I noticed with my newfound sight was that the girl was no longer levitating. Instead, gravity seemed to have kicked back in. She was now rapidly falling forward… directly on top of me.

"Ahhhhh!" I instinctively raised my arms in an effort to both catch her and protect myself.

I was not entirely successful. Meaning, I accomplished the former but not the latter.

As I caught her, the unexpected weight caused my very expensive leather office chair to topple (That wasn't surprising it was completely fried, and it smelt fried too. Burnt leather, ugh) spilling both of us onto the floor. However, I somehow managed to twist my body to take the entire fall and allow the girl to land on top of the nearest soft object, namely, me.

I Want You (She's So Heavy), The Beatles

Needless to say, I found myself in a great deal more pain. I had the breath knocked out of me and I had to gasp to breathe. Yet, in my stomach there was a certain sinking feeling as if to say, "Call this pain, you haven't even felt anything yet!" Or maybe that was just the girl's elbow?

"Get off of me! PERVERT!" Came the scream in my ear.

I winced, and tried to move and found myself unable to, "Sorry, but it seems that you are on top of me."

We both scrambled to our feet, and I tried to keep my eyes to myself while she fumed, hefting a rather silly looking sledgehammer in what I supposed was a threatening manner.

"You stupid mortal, you! Can't you get anything right?" I instantly picked up the 'mortal'.

"Excuse me, but I'm a teenager, I'm still immortal as far as I'm concerned." I'd gone over this argument with my parents enough times (whenever I do something stupid and dangerous) that the words came smoothly to me, "and who are you?!"

"We've already gone over introductions, remember?" she said with exasperation evident in her voice.

"Uh, we have?" I took a look at her, trying to remember if I had ever seen her before. Of course, she could be telling the truth that we had met; I am notorious for my poor memory. At any rate, I was pretty sure that I would remember a girl who could jump out of a glass.

"I'm Skuld, Goddess of the Future." She said as if that would explain everything.

"A Goddess? A real goddess? Ah zark! That means the wish… Um, was does that mean?" I blurted with an edge of hysteria in my voice. I adopted a nervous grin while chanting in my mind, I must not fear…

She paused for a moment then leapt for the fax phone next to the computer, which happened to be the only phone on the entire floor, and proceeded to dial an impossibly long number.

"Uh, no long distance calls please?" I protested weakly to which she responded with a fierce glare. I withered and continued to smile nervously.

"The wish that just went through, did it just grant what I think it granted? IT DID WHAT! But… What do you mean the second part entails that I train him? I can't take him home with me! You have ANY idea how much Urd is going to tease me?" As her voice grew I began to edge for the stairs. Even if I was crazy, I was not crazy enough to stay in a room with an infuriated girl, even if she wasn't a goddess.

Unfortunately, she noticed and I clearly heard a, "Oh no, you're not running out on me now!" She threw a small sphere at me, and instinctively, I caught it, pondering for a moment over whether or not I should toss it back.

I ponder *way* too much

*BOOM*

I gradually woke up. Meaning, I was shocked into waking up by being splashed with water. This isn't unusual for me since this was my father's usual way of waking me up and I reacted as I normally would. I rolled out of bed. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in a bed.

As I most painfully discovered, I was right where I had last been… next to the stairs.

Actually, that was probably the best thing that had happened to me yet. As I laid moaning at the foot of the stairs I was able to give my current situation a very good thinking over. It went somewhat like this:

Okay, I've now declared myself insane, but that is normal. I'm currently in more pain than the last time I've… zark, I can't even remember the last time I've been in this much pain.

Of course, that is also normal.

So what is not normal?

Simple, that girl isn't.

Well, how do I know that she isn't normal? Normal is a relative you know.

Yeah, but, relative to me, she ain't normal.

Hey, what do you mean? Are you saying I'm more normal than her? How dare you!

Hey, stop arguing!

Oh zark off!

WAAAH! That's mean!

Sorry, anyway, what has just happened?

I fell down the stairs?

Well thank you for pointing out the blatantly obvious!

You're welcome.

Anyway, what else has happened to me.

I've have been granted a wish.

Really? What wish?

I think I've just got a job.

Ugh, work. Well, as what? As a programmer? Debugger?

Ich weiss nicht. {"Ich weiss nicht" German for "I know not"}

Du weiss nicht? Zark. {"Du weiss nicht" German for "You know not"}

So how do I find out what job I got?

Well, I suppose I have to ask that girl.

Of course, now let's get up and let that girl know I'm alive.

Okay! Hey GET UP!

With a groan I slowly pushed myself up to a halfway sitting position. Carefully straightening my limbs, testing to see if everything was still working. The first thing I noticed (other than the pain) was laughter.

"Th.. ha ha.. so incredibly… heh heh ha!" She seemed unable to continue speaking.

"How about, incredibly painful," I muttered. I brushed off some of my charred clothing. Zark, I had liked that shirt too. Of course it was only a blue one (and I hated blue), but it had been a nice blue one.

"I've never seen anyone so stupid!" she explained after she had her laughter under control, "Well, except maybe for my sister, Urd." She added after giving it a little more thought.

I, being temporarily – well, at least I hoped it was only temporary – unable to stand due to the pain, was still sitting at the bottom of the stairs while Skuld was perched happily on the bottom step.

"Great, could we stop this now? Perhaps get onto something important. Like what has just happened!?!"

"You rolled down a flight of stairs." She snickered.

"ENOUGH WITH THE STAIRS!!!" I winced. Zark, that hurts. "I mean, what was with all the lights and floating and," I winced again from the memory, "and the pain? Did I really get a wish granted?"

"Well, the 'lights and floating' was me granting your wish, so yes, you really did get a wish granted."

"Uh, and if I remember correctly, I wished to work with you."

"Yep." Maker! She was certainly being annoying.

"Could you please tell me just what that means?"

"Oh, apparently you've just become a god. Though I'm not quite sure if I like this contract."

"Contract? What contract? And I just became a programmer?"

She scowled, "You just became a god. That's where all the pain came from. And the contract is the second part of your wish."

"What? You've got to teach me how to be a god?" It wasn't quite sinking in at the point. I was still stuck on trying to figure out what *her* job was.

"More or less. Come on, I better take you home." I suddenly grew very apprehensive of going to the home of a strange FLOATING girl. Besides, I still couldn't stand up. The fact that I was a god hadn't sunk in yet.

"Uh, I'm in a little pain here. Unless you can carry me, I don't think I'll be moving anywhere for a little while." I hissed slightly in pain while trying to straighten my legs.

"What? Oh don't worry," she grabbed my hand, "just don't let go." I didn't like that little smirk on her face. She produced a glass of water – the same one she arrived in – and jumped in, dragging me after.



Chapter 5

From behind a potted plant a very small person fell over howling in laughter. Not small as in a midget, but small as in, "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids". A figure just a few inches tall. A figure that was quite obviously female.

"THAT WAS PERFECT!!!" She nearly shrieked with glee. "I couldn't have planned it better myself. That wish will make sure that he has to stay with the little brat!" She frowned for a moment, "Though that wish really shouldn't have gotten through, the system should have caught it before it got granted. I wonder who is supposed to be watching it rig…" She broke off as a few very important facts hit her head. Her job, system administration. Her job, to make sure the system works. The system just didn't work. The wishing restrictions programmed into the really should have kept that wish from ever happening. Urd groaned and slumped down next to the flowerpot.

"Oh shit, I'm in so much trouble now."

Chapter 6

The kid's mode of travel is disconcerting to say the least. I've never been much for swimming, and I have certainly never been much for jumping into a glass of water not large enough to stick your fist in. On the plus side, it was also much more fun than roller coaster, except it didn't include the banging your head against the side of your seat, but I was quite alright with that.

We managed to arrive without too many mishaps. I managed to keep my lunch (I think I've already had lunch, but wasn't quite sure) from being forcibly rejected from my body or injuring myself further. Our destination was apparently a pot of

"BELLDANDY!" I winced from the volume of her voice. I'm really a very quiet person and not that good with loud noises.

A lady – obviously Belldandy – entered with a smile on her face. "Oh hello Skuld! Back already from your assignment already? Who is your friend?"

"He is my assignment. Could you heal him? He sort of got hurt." Skuld actually looked a bit embarrassed.

"Skuld! Did you try to blow him up?" the woman scolded, "I've talked you about that." Wait, she does this all the time?

"I only hit him once! All the other injuries he did himself!" Skuld said defensively.

"*Yawn* Hey, little Sis, finally got a boyfriend?" A new woman asked from the doorway. I wondered whom she was referring to. I took one look at her and hastily averted my eyes. She was wearing a *much* too revealing… Um, what was that she was wearing anyway? A nightgown? In the middle of the day? And why was she smirking as if she knew exactly what was going on? If she did, I really wanted to know.

"No Urd! This is my client!" Skuld replied a bit hurriedly.

"Pity, such a cute one too." Who was she talking about? Urd bent down to take a good look at me, causing that already not very concealing, for the lack of a better word, nightgown, to conceal even less, "So why did you bring a client home? And why is he all beat up? Wait, don't tell me you did that. Ah, you probably did." She smirked at us.

"I didn't beat him up! He did it himself! Besides, Belldandy was just about to heal him!"

"Yes of course." Before I could react, and I'm not sure what I would have done if I could, Belldandy held up a glowing hand of white light. She touched me and a brilliant flash forced me to close my eyes for a moment. I took the moment to quickly think this over again.

"Uh, g'day. You're a goddess too?" I asked with trepidation. I was rewarded with a smile and a nod.

I tried straightening my leg again and found that I was now free of pain. Hmm, she can heal people with glowing light. Yep, she was a goddess. I stood up.

"Um, good day. I'm Freddy, happy to meet you." I offered her my hand.

Smiling, she took it and we shook politely, "I'm Belldandy, Goddess of the Present." she gestured to Urd, "And this is my older sister, Urd."

"Yeah, I'm Urd, Goddess of the Past and Cupid of Love." She said with flourish while leering at me. Okay, crazy person. Wait a min… I'm calling a goddess, crazy? Something is off here.

"Um, nice to meet you too." I really wanted to curl up with a good book somewhere far away from here. A nice quiet temple in Japan, yeah, that sounded good. Curled up with a nice sci-fi book, maybe read a Heinlein book; those were always good at restoring me to common sense. "Excuse me, but what has just happened? All I get is that I've been hurt a lot." Urd smirked, "Well kid, you are my little sister's client and for some reason – which I *really* look forward to hearing – she brought you home." Skuld winced slightly.

"Home? And where would that be?"

Another smirk, "Japan." Okay, maybe I would rather be reading a book somewhere else.

At this time Belldandy decided to intervene. "Freddy, would you care for some tea?"

"Err, tea? Yes, please." Tea was fine. Tea was normal. It couldn't kill me. Could it?

As I sat pondering this, another argument broke out between Urd and Skuld.

"He's not staying in my room! We have a guest room, he can stay there." I actually agreed with Skuld on that one. Though I would really prefer to stay at home, yes home, away from all this nonsense. And by the Maker! I forgot to log off my character! What if he gets killed?!

"Oh come on sis, you don't think he is good enough for you?" I almost missed this as I bemoaned the fate of my character that I had spent so long on.

Just as the arguing was about to escalate into another fight, the phone rang.

Belldandy picked it up. "Hello?" she said pleasantly, "Oh, hello, Almighty!" Skuld and Urd looked a little worried and began shouting again, this time in the general direction of the phone.

"It was all that little brat's fault!"

"Was not! She started it!"

"Oh shut up!"

Belldandy motioned for them to be quiet and uncovered the microphone.

"You were calling for Freddy?" I perked up at this, a phone call for me? Those were rare, though they usually ended up being from the library demanding that I return their books to them. Zark, don't see why they are in such a fuss over a few dozen library books missing. Not like anyone has read them since the last decade or anything.

"Oh you want to see him… and Skuld. Yes Almighty, I'll tell Urd. Have a nice day!" She hung up the phone.

"Freddy, the Almighty wants to see you."

"Okay." I continued to sit there. Did they want me to do something?

Skuld whapped me on the back of the head, "You idiot, she means now! Come on Urd." She began to drag me and I wondered at her strength, she certainly didn't look strong with those scrawny arms of hers. Though you gotta admit, she was a cute little kid. Oh and here we are outside. Um, why is it dark? It is the middle of the day. Oh right, Japan, different time zone. I checked my watch as the kid dragged me down a flight of stairs. Well, it was only a little past 16:00 for me.

Oh, here is some light. Hey, why is it surrounding us like that? I felt the urge to express my stupidity.

"Hey, look at that, we're floating." Mission accomplished! I sounded extremely stupid. May as well look the part as well, I pasted a rather idiotic grin on my face. Hey, if you can't deal with it, smile at it. Helps a lot.

"Quiet, we'll be there soon. This is all your fault you know!"

I shut up.

The next thing I knew, we were in heaven. Literally.

Chapter 6

How does one describe Heaven? It was… heavenly. No, all joking aside, it actually seemed a bit old fashioned for my tastes. Well, I suppose that is to be expected from a place that was created practically at the beginning of the universe.

We found ourselves in a large camp. I mean really large. You know those vacation spots where they allow you to camp and there are like a zillion people there? Well, this place had probably a few thousand times more tents and people than that.

Another thing, these people were ready for war. Everyone was armed in one way or other. I saw swords, guns, bows, artillery pieces, and lots of other really dangerous looking stuff. Wait a min… Was that a pair of chopsticks that guy was using to flip people over his shoulder?

I nervously glanced at the two sisters who seemed to be fighting again.

"We go this way!" The younger girl – the kid – announced with vehemence in her voice.

The elder lady glared back, "Oh, don't you know anything! It is *this* way!"

I decided to intervene at this point. "Um, excuse me, but where are we and what, or rather, why are where here?" I asked in my most timid and non-threatening voice. They did not even spare a glance in my direction as the kid began to throw what seemed to be a sort of explosive devices (just where did she carry them anyway?) and the lady called down lightning from the… wait how could she call it down from the heavens when we already were in the heavens?

Hmm, looks as if it was time to ditch this party. I backed off and nearly bumped into a young man, didn't look much older than me, maybe 18 or 19, dressed in some flowing robes. He smiled wryly at the fight, which was beginning to draw in some of the soldiers. I mumbled an apology and he shifted his gaze to me.

"I'm sorry about this, the Almighty was afraid something like this might happen. Those two are known for their infamous fights. Ah well, 'children shall be children.' At least the Einheriar shall get some extra practice today." He sniffed slightly. I raised my eyebrows at this. *This *does* happen all the time? Well, that was just… Zarky*

"Um, that's nice. Now what?" I certainly had no idea as to what to do now.

"Now you follow me." At this he spun around on his heel and began to stride away. Well, it was something to do at least.

There was something about this guy's arrogance. Though you must admit, he did have the air of someone who was arrogant because he deserved it. Just watching him walk down the street was enough to see his cool calm confidence and he radiated competence… At whatever it was he did. This was the sort of person who could do anything and was willing to do anything to get it done. I ran to catch up.

"Where are we going now?" I asked when I caught up, and we turned onto a wide street paved with gold.

" 'We' are going to the Almighty's office, where *you* will see him to discuss your wish." He replied while giving a few people dirty looks when they, for some reason or other, decided to cross to the opposite side of the street upon sight of us.

"Um, exactly who is this 'Almig…" I paused in mid-step as I realized where else I've heard this title from, "Wait a min… You don't mean…"

"The Creator, the First and Last, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty, the Lord God." He droned, finishing for me.

I blinked. "I'm dead, ain't I?"

He stopped as well and turned to give me an amused look.

"And I'm always going to treasure that look on your face. No my friend, you aren't dead. In fact, there isn't much that could actually kill you now since you aren't mortal either."

I stared at him blankly.

He sighed, "You still don't understand, do you? Listen very carefully now because I'm only going to explain this once for your benefit. Your wish was to have a job working with the Goddess Skuld. Though I don't know why you ever want something so torturous… Therefore, in order for that wish to be fulfilled and for you to have that job, you must become a god. I leave you to figure out the rest. But now we really must be going. The Almighty has to set your title and class and it isn't nice to keep your new employer waiting. Especially this one." He smirked and began walking again while I numbly followed. Now the full meaning of the wish hit. Maker! I was to be a god! God of what? That's a good question. I spent a few minutes entertaining myself with different possible titles and finally came up with, "The God of Pointless Games." It fit me; I certainly play enough of 'em.

Just as I began to consider whether or not golf would be included is when I nearly bumped into my guide.

"We are here." He announced and chuckled as I gaped. However impressive the rest of heaven might have been, it paled in comparison to this… It was hardly a building, more of a temple, monument, and any number of other things all superbly designed to making it a house fit for the Lord of Lords himself to live in.

I wanted one.

"Now go inside and tell the secretary your name. You will be directed from there."

Unable to tear my eyes away from God's house, I tried to convey my immeasurable appreciation for all that my guide had done. "Um, thanks."

He smiled, "No problem."

I finally managed to drag my gaze away to look at him. Except that he had vanished.

"Zark, and I didn't even get his name." I mumbled, "Oh well, might as well go in." I straightened up and brushed off the more charred remnants of my clothing then climbed up the steps and entered.

Chapter 7

I look around at the garden. It was beautiful. Filled with plants and flowers that were quite pleasing to senses.

I took a deep breath and began to sway back and forth as I grew a little giddy from the heady smell. A slight smile grew on my lips as I recalled memories from my youth of days in the sun, exploring the small garden my mother tended.

It made for quite a happy thought as long as I took care to remember that my mother never did take care of a garden. I never did like playing in gardens when I found them (I was much more concerned with eating the produce from 'em). And even if I had, I never would have remembered it. Zark, I can't even remember if I… Wait I did. Okay, never mind then.

I would have been quite happy to have kept swaying there, basking in the smells and sunlight (wait a min… Aren't we inside?). Except a very loud, very noble, very *annoyed* voice cut through my little fantasies which involved hopping through the forest while bopping field mice on the head. Though, why would *field* mice be in a *forest* is anybody's guess.

I quickly grew confused.

Running reality check…

Check, an annoyed voice coming from somewhere.

Check, I was swaying back and forth very much like hippies did at Woodstock after consuming/inhaling/injecting/etc. various substances that are *not* good for one's body or mind (though it may seem like it at the time).

Check, I was unbearably happy for some reason as of yet unknown.

Check, reality is not as you perceive it!

The voice spoke again and this time I actually paid attention.

*Gasp!* I think hell has frozen over!

*BAM* Zark off!

But anyway, back to the voice.

"Enter My presence… NOW!" I began laying odds on whether or not this was the Voice of God. Then pausing for a moment I considered that if this was indeed the Voice of God I really ought to start moving and do just as it asked. Yes, that sounded like a very good idea, a great way to ensure that I lived a bit longer.

Then I paused again and realized I had no idea how I would "ENTER MY PRESENCE", as the voice had commanded. I began to get very worried.

"Um, okay. How?" I asked in my meekest voice. I also began laying odds on whether or not I would survive this. *15 on lightning at least once! 20 on a meteor!* Yes, the voices in my head were betting on how I would expire. I made a note to talk to them later.

"Follow the path."

I blinked. Ah yes, the path I had originally been following. The only path that ran through this garden. The one that the secretary out in the lobby had told me to follow. That sounds quite reasonable. Why hadn't I thought of that.

HEY! Get going!

Right-o!

I half-jogged, half-walked down the path. I guess it would be best describe as a lope, or maybe a skip. Anyway, I got down the path and came into a large clearing. In the middle, *floating* in a chair was The Creator, the First and Last, the Alpha and Omega, the Almighty, the Lord God. My Maker.

You're A God, Vertical Horizon

I blinked. At a first glance he didn't look at all impressive.

He looked like your average, run-of-the-mill guy. Well, I couldn't find anything to complain about actually, his appearance was immaculate. I couldn't quite make out his face but I somehow sensed his expression. That wasn't the reason why I knew he was God. The reason was the *feeling*.

He exuded glory, holiness, power, might, love… He just *felt* like God.

"So, you are the Mortal who has all of My heavens in an uproar." He remarked casually.

I didn't quite know what to say so I went with what I usually ended up saying.

"Um, sorry about that. I, uh, wasn't… didn't…" I began to stumble over my words. Talking to your Lord and Maker does fluster one a tad.

"It is quite alright. Though you *are* going to have to deal with it."

"Er, I do?"

He smiled, "You will discover My meaning soon enough." I didn't like the sound of that. "But now you must be bestowed with your new title and class." He paused, "Fortunately, there is a position open, and I believe it would suit you quite well." Hey! Was that a smirk?! Am I accusing my Lord and Maker of smirking at me? Well, yes I am. He isn't smirking *at* you! He is smirking *with* you! *BAM!* Quiet.

"Now, My son, approach me." I hesitantly stepped forward.

"Repeat after me. 'Before my Lord, I, Freddy Isnot, accept my Lord's gift and swear to employ it for Good." He paused and looked at me. I repeated it word for word.

"I swear to be true and faithful, and love all which my Lord loves and shun all which he shuns, according to his laws and the order of the world. Nor will I ever with will or action, through word or deed, do anything which is unpleasing to him, on condition that he will hold to me as I shall deserve it, and that he will perform everything as it was in our agreement when I submitted myself to him and chose his will." He intoned.

Slowly and stumbling over the words I managed to repeat the oath.

With a smile he touched my forehead with a forefinger. At the touch my eyes flew wide open.

From the one spot where the Almighty was touching Freddy, his power poured out. Almost like liquid it poured down, covering every part of Freddy.

Beneath the finger and on his cheeks, markings blazed into existence. A grayish-green diamond within a diamond. His charred clothing rewove itself into attire fit for a god. A shimmering tunic and pants of nearly every color imaginable. It seemed to flutter in an unseen breeze at its colors flowed together. Over his shoulders a cloak of plush, faded gray, unfurled and felled down his sides. On his limp arms bracers of some unidentified leather formed and matching greaves. On his finger, beside the wedding ring that had been given to him for safekeeping, an ornate ring of gold molded itself, fitting exactly.

The light encased him one final time before leaving Freddy filled with his new powers and dressed in his new garments.

He stepped back and blinked, "Wow." Then for a good measure he repeated it again, "Zarkin' wow."

The Almighty smiled warmly, "You have now taken on the office of the God of the Myth."