DISCLAIMER: i don't own cats (sadly) Nor do i own the right to this amazingly funny song by Lilly Allen

Rumpelteazer lay in her bed, a large Tuxedoed tom sleeping contentedly beside her. Bustopher snored lightly in his sleep, but that was the least of the tiger tabby's worries.

She loved him, there was no denying that. He wasn't like the other toms, he actually cared about her, made sure she was safe and happy. She couldn't count the times he caught her leaving her house and walked her to the Junkyard. She knew he loved her.

Oh he treats me with respect

He says he loves me all the time

He calls me 15 times a day

He likes to make sure that I'm fine

You know I've never met a man who's made me feel quite so secure

He's not like all them other boys

They're all so dumb and immature

Rumpelteazer just wished there was a tactful way to tell him. Not that she was given to tact anyway, but it was driving her crazy. He was perfect for her, from the tux fur that complemented her own orange to the cuddly extra weight and the dignified airs that made her dignified by proxy. The age difference even worked for her. If only she could point out his one flaw without hurting his pride and feelings. It was his only flaw, but it was a big one.

There's just one thing that's getting in the way

When we go up to bed you're just no good

Its such a shame

I look into your eyes I want to get to know you

And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over

It was just so frustrating, and it wasn't like he was small. She wondered why the older queens fawned over him so much if this was the way he was.

It's not fair

And I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

Oh you're supposed to care

But you never make me scream

You never make me scream

She was fuming. Was one orgasm too much to ask? Really? Couldn't he at least try?

Oh it's not fair

And it's really not ok

It's really not ok

It's really not ok

Oh you're supposed to care

But all you do is take

Yeah all you do is take

She loved him, but she was sick of laying there, hot and sticky, night after night, Bustopher passed out in sleep and satisfied, her own body humming with need. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal, she thought sometimes. He was wonderful to her in everything else, and when the sex was taken out of the equation, she could see herself with him for the long run. She wished she could ignore it, like she'd heard the older queens talking about.

Oh I lie here in the wet patch

In the middle of the bed

I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by

I spent ages giving head

Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me

Maybe I'm just overreacting maybe you're the one for me

She wondered how they did it, the older queens. Putting up with lousy sex was not one of her best skills, and neither was her acting. If he caught her faking, he'd be furious, but she couldn't just tell him. She wanted to find out why he was reputed as "Tugger's Role Model," wanted to know why all the older queens swooned at him, but every time she tried to coax him into anything other than their normal routine, it didn't go over well.

There's just one thing that's getting in the way

When we go up to bed you're just no good

It's such a shame

I look into your eyes I want to get to know you

And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over

She knew this wasn't normal. She knew that somehow, he had to have caught on. That somehow he knew she wasn't satisfied with their nightly activities. Why he didn't show any inclination to change was the problem.

It's not fair

And I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

Oh you're supposed to care

But you never make me scream

You never make me scream

She cried about it sometimes. Mungojerrie understood, since he'd had similar problems with Alonzo when they'd first started out. He'd offered her advice, but since he'd resolved his problems by getting into a fistfight with his lover before he got the point across, she was sure her twin's methods wouldn't work for her.

Oh it's not fair

And it's really not ok

It's really not ok

It's really not ok

Oh you're supposed to care

But all you do is take

Yeah all you do is take

She was tierd of being used, but she couldn't really call it that, with as great and patient as Bustopher was with her the rest of the time.

There's just one thing that's getting in the way

When we go up to bed you're just no good

It's such a shame

I look into your eyes I want to get to know you

And then you make this noise and its apparent it's all over

She could even have settled for the bad sex if he'd just stay awake and cuddle with her or pillow talk or something, but he passed out as soon as he rolled off her and hit the pillows.

It's not fair

And I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

I think you're really mean

Oh you're supposed to care

But you never make me scream

You never make me scream

When he caught her in a rare crying jag in the mornings, what was she supposed to say "You're the worst lay I've ever had, but I really love you?" Of course she couldn't say that. Bustopher had taken to glaring at random cats whom she'd blamed her tears on. She felt guilty, but what else could she do to keep him?

Oh it's not fair

And it's really not ok

It's really not ok

It's really not ok

Oh you're supposed to care

But all you do is take

Yeah all you do is take

He was the most selfish tom in bed she'd ever known, and she lamented her luck that she'd fallen for him so hard. She wanted to tell him, wanted him to be the lover to o her she knew he could be, but the words stuck in her throat every time she tried. And now she had no choice but to stay with him, at least for a few more years. She hated having to say things that could cause trouble, and since Bustopher had no children, she worried about what he'd think about becoming a father so late in life. The tiger tabby queen grumbled and settled down next to the gently snoring hefty tux beside her. She was stuck with either an angry mate or bad sex for years, one way or another. If only she knew how to tell him the truth gently. Maybe, she thought, before she drifted off to sleep, Misto and Tugger would have some advice. They'd stepped on toes before. Maybe she'd be able to as well.