Pony vs. Pony: A FiM/TF2 crossover fic
Location: Sawmill, RED base briefing room
"This emergency RED team tactics meeting has now come to order," Twilight announced. "Rainbow, you told me that you and Big Macintosh, quote, 'found something seriously messed up' in the BLU intel yesterday. What was disturbing enough to merit an emergency meeting?"
Rainbow Dash grinned slyly. "Fillies and gentlecolt," she began dramatically, "you all know that some things about our jobs don't really change. I whack ponies with my baseball bat, Twilight plans everything and shoots from the best vantage point, Zecora blows up whatever her bombs can hit—"
"A job far more structured than you make it seem," the one-eyed zebra interrupted. "Without me, you'd get your flanks kicked by BLU team."
"—and Pinkie lights everypony on fire, to name a few," Rainbow said as if she hadn't heard Zecora. "We live in a crazy-flank world, but we can count on these to stay the same… (Pause for dramatic effect)" She removed a blue manila folder stamped with "FOR SPY USE ONLY" in black ink from her saddlebag, meeting everypony's eyes in turn. "Or, we could, until yesterday. Take a look."
She slapped the folder down onto the table, sending somewhat blurry Polaroids sliding across its length. Everypony took a few for a closer look; the only thing they could tell at first glance was that BLU Pinkie Pie (not in her asbestos suit, oddly) was in all of them.
"Does anypony else suspect a prank?" Rarity asked after a moment. Her horn lit up beneath her fur-tight mask, and a photograph moved towards her seemingly on its own. "We all know about Pinkie's certain…problems. Surely those—" The sentence died halfway out of her mouth, her brain using the extra energy to process the photo she'd chosen. It featured BLU Pinkie in a deep blue, full-body, close-fitting ninja suit and mask, topped off with oversized yellow-and-gold steampunk goggles. She stared intently into a small gray notebook, poking it with the hoof that wasn't holding it slightly below her face.
Except it wasn't actually a notebook. "She's got a disguise kit," she thought aloud. Then the full impact of her statement hit her: "Wait a minute, what?! That'd have to mean…!" Her magic winked out in her shock. Rarity cast quick, nervous glances at photos elsewhere on the table—ninja-suited Pinkie casually backstabbing a Soldier, the BLU Spy and Pinkie on a firing range (was that an Emissary the pink pony held?), Pinkie rappelling up the Hightower, Pinkie fading away next to a destroyed level three sentry. The others were too far away or already being looked at, which was just as well for her.
Big Macintosh nodded grimly. "Eeyup. BLU team's Pyro is a Spy," he said. "Ah dunno why or when th' actual BLU Spy taught 'er ta use them things, but she did." Everypony present shuddered. Pinkie Pie equipped to ambush and incinerate ponies was worrying enough. Pinkie with a Spy's infiltration abilities (and worse, awareness of what she was doing)…that crossed the border into pure wet-yourself terror.
Next to Zecora, Ditzy Doo snorted in surprise and contempt. "Thanks for the news, Macintosh. Now what are we going to do about it?! A team can't have two different kinds of Spies at once! That's just not fair! It'd be like Blossomforth flying next to me with my helmet and rocket launcher and Righteous Buffalo! Oh, and my cloud shovel, can't forget that."
"Ditzy's right," Applejack concurred. "Mah contract said nothin' about BLU team changin' somepony's class on me. When Ah get mah hooves on whoever's idea this was, Ah'll test out the Hornet's Nest on her sorry flank!" She whacked her wrench into her free hoof for emphasis. "An' then on the fake Spy!"
That opened the floodgates. Everypony at once began shouting for "Pinkie Spy's" unnecessarily painful death and humiliating the original BLU Spy in a similar way. Being a mercenary didn't mean you couldn't fight with (your personal definition of) honor.
"Uh, girls…" Twilight ventured. "Girls… Girls! Hey, we kind of—!" A bottle of hot sauce (how did that get there?) tumbled through the air, bounced off the barrel of Zecora's grenade launcher, nearly hit Fluttershy on the nose, and finally landed on top of a supply crate, dangerously close to her custom-brewed Potions of Weakening. "Yikes. Rarity, little help?"
The fashionista (because every spy pony needs a cover) nodded coolly. "Darlings, I appreciate your enthusiasm…" Her horn ignited again. Seconds later, every weapon present (except for hers) flew out of its owner's hooves in a flurry of ice-blue sparkles and smacked into the floor. "But a Spy can only take so much of her teammates' shouting. Especially when her honor is on the line." She rose to her hooves with a clatter. "Applejack, did you get that teleporter to the outside of BLU base fixed up?"
"Sure did," Applejack grinned. "Pinkie and Ah'll be ready as soon as—"
"No you won't," Rarity interrupted in a voice like an icicle. "Didn't you hear the part about my honor? Understand that I mean business when I say this: I—and I alone—will find BLU Pinkie and rip her apart with her own butterfly knife. And neither you nor Pinkie nor anypony else sitting here are going to do ponyfeathers about it." She trotted out the door, letting it slam shut behind her.
Twilight's right hoof met her forehead in record time. "Never let it be said we left a teammate to her own devices. Everypony, get your things and go wait in resupply. I'll teleport over when I get my newest plan set up." Broad grins spread across her friends' faces, and they practically bounced out the door with their weaponry in hoof.
I hope this works, she thought. Lucky for me Sawmill supports King of the Hill missions, too. With a thought, she levitated her Cozy Camper (and kukri) onto her back, her phone into her left hoof from a small pocket on the front, and her favorite slouch hat, the one with shed dragon scales surrounding the crown, onto her head.
"Please let Shining be in, please let Shining be in," she murmured, selecting "BBBFF-work" from her speed dial. A further rush of magic brought the phone to her ear. As Captain of the Day Guard and nephew-in-law to his boss, her big brother had access to a fair amount of information. She'd called him at work to confirm some finding in the intel she couldn't herself plenty of times, but this time, she couldn't help but feel guilty. Hadn't she just listened to her comrades-in-arms shouting about—?
"Office of the Day Guard, how may I help you?" a cool mare's voice asked. Twilight took a deep breath, trying to relax. She had a (still forming) plan to carry out, and nothing and nopony would get in her way.
"Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle," she said clearly (bases didn't exactly have pristine reception). "Is the Captain available? I'd like to speak with him."
"Just a moment, ma'am." The receptionist sounded almost apologetic, as if the hold music was particularly corny today. Which turned out to be completely untrue; a bubbly little tune, the sort of thing a filly would dance to, piped through the speaker. Twilight thought she recognized the song from somewhere. Home, she realized. A long time ago, before this insanity started. It brought to mind a toothless baby alligator wearing a party hat…
Before she could totally piece it together, her brother picked up. "Twily! You haven't called in weeks! Guess that means you're finally growing up a little."
Twilight giggled unprofessionally. "Hello to you too, Shining. I need a relatively big favor; the kind somepony with more direct connections (and free time) than I can grant quickly."
He groaned. "That's what you said the day of the Bargain Hunter Incident. Which this had better not turn out a repeat of, by the way. If I have to hear one more of that loudmouth minotaur's stupid speeches, I will personally tear out his nose ring and—"
"Don't finish that sentence!" Twilight interrupted. "And trust me, this is nothing like that." Good thing, she thought. She'd gotten her hooves on the Bargain Hunter before a Dustbowl mission some time ago because she'd heard it provided "More BANG for your bit." Once the second round started, it quickly dawned on her that Iron Will had been quite literal. Macintosh had had to practically drag her away in a headlock to stop her from utterly destroying BLU team. "OK, so, the favor. Each side of a Mare Co. facility has a phone somewhere in it, right?"
"Yes, union rules say we have to be able to contact either team, anywhere, in case something comes up."
"That means all those phone numbers are stored somewhere for just that reason, right?"
"Of course. …Stop beating around the bush, Twily. What exactly do you need?"
She gulped; this was the moment she knew she'd probably feel guilty about for weeks. "I need the number for the BLU end of Sawmill," she said.
You could have cut the silence from the Canterlot end with Rarity's Back Stitch. "…did you finally snap or something?" Shining Armor managed at length. "Practically asking me to commit treason is not 'relatively big'! You know how the Princesses are about ponies going behind their backs as well as I do! I could lose my Captain's insignia if they find out, or Princess Celestia could decide to find another Sniper, and then where would we be? What would I tell Mom and Dad, or you your friends? And even if it works out all right, how in their holy names will I explain why I did what I did to Cadence?"
If any pony could be trusted to know a freakout when she heard one, it was Twilight Sparkle. "Calm down, big brother, you'll burst a blood vessel," she soothed. "Nopony else can do quite what we do. And even if somepony could, I think our jobs are pretty safe. Come on, we've saved Equestria a total of three times, the Crystal Empire once (cause of Spike), and I'm Celestia's personal student-slash-niece-in-law, and the Element of Magic to boot! Surely the Princesses can cut slack for all of that! But…if you're still worried, I understand. Just tell me quietly."
"…fair enough," Shining whispered. "Sawmill, Sawmill…a-ha! OK, the number's 111-012-6273. I can't imagine why you need it, but eh, I'll learn eventually. Be careful out there, Twilight. We both know that you and your friends are playing a dangerous game." She knew he was scared for her when he used her first name. For just a moment, she felt her fur stand on end. But just like that twinge of guilt earlier, she let her fear go to deal with another time.
"It feels less like a game every day," she quipped, a little shakily. "Thanks for your help. I owe you big-time, again. See you whenever, Shining!" Her phone snapped shut and floated back into its pocket. She had to hurry a little now; her teammates weren't exactly the most patient of ponies. Horn shimmering purplish-red, Twilight grabbed her sniper rifle and disappeared in a flash.
On the BLU side of the map (break room)…
"Lemme see if Ah got this right," Applejack remarked. "Ya found the folder full of Pinkie photos just lyin' around in resupply where anypony could see it."
"Yes," squeaked Fluttershy. She knew there wasn't really anything to be nervous about; her team would hardly go ballistic on the sole pony able to keep them intact and breathing. But she also knew she wasn't usually the pony who made a maddeningly basic mistake.
"So you went ta put it in the intel room, away from any ledges it coulda fallen off."
"Well, of course, Applejack. I knew Rarity would be really mad at me if those photos got wet. She might even have kicked me off the team!"
The Engineer chuckled at the mental image of Rarity throwing one of her trademark hissy fits. "Ah doubt that, sugar cube. She knows better'n anypony we need each other ta make a real team. But Ah'm gettin' off topic. You had some trouble findin' a good spot for it, so ya left it where in relation to the briefcase?"
Fluttershy looked down and scuffed the floor with a front hoof. (Since said hoof had a rubber glove on it, it squeaked slightly, almost like a sneaker on linoleum flooring.) "…right under it," she admitted, blushing. "I didn't think anypony would notice if they got to the intel room."
Applejack sighed. "Fluttershy, yer the absolute sweetest mare Ah know, and pretty smart ta boot. Ah didn't think Ah'd ever hafta tell you this, but ya gotta think this stuff through. No matter how small a detail is, somepony will alwaysnotice it and do somethin' about it." She spoke with the authority of a mare who'd had more buildings than she could keep track of blow up in her face.
"Especially somepony like me!" a different, bubbly voice cut in. Pinkie Pie slid expertly down a rope hanging from the ceiling, let go when there was about three feet between her and the floor, did a somersault, and landed perfectly next to Applejack. If she hadn't been wearing her Spy gear, the feat would have looked absolutely hilarious. "I mean, duh! I'm a Spy now! My job is to notice things!"
Fluttershy stumbled backward, trying not to fall flat on her flank. "Pinkie, I really wish you would stop randomly appearing like that. But that's not the point. Rarity once told me 'Hide a splash in a bigger splash.' We need those photos back, and we need something to distract RED team. Does anypony have any idea what we could do?"
The phone rang at that exact moment, as if it were a sign from the Princess. "I'll get it, darlings," Rarity smiled. She trotted to the wall-mounted receiver and picked up on the third ring. "Hello~ …Yes, this is she. And you are?"
"Ah got a bad feelin' 'bout this," Macintosh whispered to his sister. "Ever' time we get a phone call, somethin' really weird happens."
Rarity's expression transformed from its typical polite to one of mingled shock, anger, and confusion. "How did you get this number?! …What do you mean you can't tell me?! If somepony compromises our security, I deserve to—…Language! …well, yes. Why are you calling us anyway?"
("Ah knew it," he remarked. She elbowed him in the side, muttering "Hush up, Mac. This is important!")
"…Mmm…Yes, that's acceptable," Rarity nodded. "And if we lose? …mm-hmm…All right, then. We have a deal. …Seriously? You're on the other side of the complex! How will you see it?" She sighed irritably. "Fine, fine. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," she chanted, performing the requisite actions for a Pinkie Promise. "Now, which of us gets to tell the Administrator? …Impressive. Thank you for your time." She hung up and faced her team. Applejack could have sworn she saw that professional façade crack like a cheap plastic mold. "Gentlemares, our situation is…rather unique. The RED Sniper somehow got the phone number for our half of Sawmill."
Dash's right hoof instantly pulled out her Sandmare, and her fuchsia eyes narrowed dangerously. "Let's get her," she growled. Around the room, the others expressed similar sentiments.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Let me finish explaining, Rainbow. The two of us have arranged a bet of sorts (which none of you will tell anypony else about, ever). We'll do a King of the Hill mission in about three minutes. If we win the first round, RED team has to give us the Pinkie photos and possibly the rest of our intel back. Conversely, if we lose…" She cleared her throat. "Pinkie Pie can only ever do missions as a Pyro after this one."
"That is so Twilight. Well, thanks for the tip, darlings," somepony with a slight British accent said from nowhere. BLU team collectively jumped, scanning all corners of the room for its source.
Applejack focused her gaze on the faint outline of a crouching unicorn beside the cooler. "Gotcha," she smirked. Opportunities to intimidate an enemy Spy didn't come often for her, which made this one that much better. She cocked her Frontier Justice ominously. "OK, Spy, listen and listen good. Ah can see where yer hidin' and Ah ain't afraid! C'mon out an' face me like a mare, why don't ya!" It wasn't a question. But then again, if it had been, Applejack figured she wouldn't have gotten an answer anyway.
The voice's owner chuckled in a bemused sort of way. "How very bold of you. Almost like the real Applejack." A mare identical to Rarity in all respects except for her red-violet suit and mask (Rarity's was blue-violet) faded into view. "But we'll let that go for now. I'm here for one mare and one mare only." She approached Pinkie Pie slowly and theatrically. "You. I consider myself an even-tempered mare. Takes a lot to get under my fur, so congratulations. You just won the solid-gold Ahuizotl statue." Quick as a wink, her revolver was out and pointed at Pinkie's head.
"Leave her ALONE!" Dash shouted. She tossed a baseball with her free hoof, gripped her bat tightly and smacked it at the RED Spy within the space of about ten seconds. Bad move—a simple magical shield sent it hurtling right back into her muzzle. "Ow…! Wait a minute, that's not even close to fair! Your problem's with Pinkie Pie, not me!"
"You know what else isn't fair?" the mare in question deadpanned. "That my imposter saw nothing repugnant about teaching your crazy pink marefriend how to do my-slash-her job. Now, where were we?" ("She's not my marefriend, damn it!" Dash muttered angrily.)
Applejack couldn't look. Rarity's revolver was the most accurate weapon Mare Co. had for them except probably Twilight's sniper rifles. [a/n: this is true] Pinkie Pie had done splendidly in the training sessions, but the only gun she really knew was her shotgun. Two shots rang from other-Rarity's revolver, and she mentally prepared herself for the sounds of a scream and Pinkie hitting the floor.
Only the first one came, and that about half as loud as she'd expected. The second sound was a "woosh." The hay is goin' on? She cracked one eye to see other-Rarity tapping her hoof nonchalantly. Oh. Wow, don't Ah feel intelligent, she realized, opening her eyes all the way. Ah plumb forgot about the invisibility watch! "Go get 'er, Pinkie," she whispered.
Other-Rarity glanced around the break room. "And in three, two, one…" she murmured. Vwoosh! Pinkie reappeared directly behind her, butterfly knife in hoof and pointed right at the center of her spine.
"Surprise!" she grinned as she brought her blade down. Or tried to; other-Rarity skipped very slightly to her right and grabbed Pinkie's suddenly exposed foreleg in a judo hold. "GYAAAH! Rarity, how come you—OW!—never taught me this?"
Rarity facehooved, and Applejack yanked her Stetson a bit lower over her goggles. Other-Rarity smirked, unbalancing Pinkie with a casual kick and forcing her to the floor. "Perhaps you just revealed something nopony else was supposed to know?" she asked. Her revolver floated down and sideways to properly aim for Pinkie's head. "Not very professional, darling. Any last words?"
"They say—ow—not to bring a knife—owie!—to a gunfight for—ow!—a reason," Pinkie gasped. She wriggled and pulled her right foreleg towards her, slowly drawing it out of other-Rarity's grip. "But I'm—Luna's mane, this hurts!—Pinkie Pie, and I—do—what—I—WANT!" She wrenched her leg all the way out, then sprang to her hooves and sliced other-Rarity across the face.
Until that moment, BLU team (and Applejack in particular) had no idea exactly how loud a Spy's revolver clattering to the floor could sound. A few ponies drew sudden sharp breaths. "Sweet Cadence help us," both Apple siblings swore under their breaths. Once you hit Rarity's face, nothing could save you from a humiliating (and very painful) death. She'd be willing to bet that applied to this version as well.
Other-Rarity gingerly put a hoof to her cut, which was bleeding shallowly. "…You…you hurt me," she breathed. Her irises seemed to shrink to about half their size as she pulled out her own butterfly knife. "You crazy—" the word she used made Ditzy cringe and Fluttershy run away "—I am going to rip you apart like an old dress!" She lunged for Pinkie Pie, who blocked just in time.
As they fenced, Applejack remembered a similar fencing match between an earth pony and a unicorn she'd seen on TV a while back. The earth pony had started the duel with great noise and fury, scoring five hits in the first minute alone. However, the unicorn had made up for his lack of ferocity with finesse, which eventually netted him the win. She could only hope this fencing match would end differently.
She shook her head to bring her mind back to the present. Pinkie and other-Rarity were now in what was called body-to-body, a state that relied more on the fencer's physical strength than skill with a knife/foil. Both of them were quite capable, Applejack knew that. Whoever moved first—
"YAAAAH!" other-Rarity screamed, shoving Pinkie partway across the floor. Well, that settles that, Ah guess. Pinkie Pie hit a chair with a thump. She moaned slightly, hiding her bruised right side.
Other-Rarity smirked again. Applejack shivered—she looked positively unhinged with smaller irises, almost like Fluttershy when she tested the ÜberCharge on Mac. "I must congratulate you," she remarked, advancing upon the pink pony once again. "Not many ponies get this good at knife-fighting. Hay, most of them can't even open a butterfly knife without hurting themselves." She spun her knife around a few times, just to prove her point. "But there's only room for two Spies in Mare Co., and—OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING! REALLY? REALLY?"
Applejack couldn't hide a triumphant laugh. Pinkie Pie had silently activated her Disguise-o-Tron (as she insisted on calling it) and taken the form of the RED Medic without having to look at her hooves. "You don't need to shout," Pinkie-Fluttershy chided. "Come on now, let's just go back to the base and leave well enough alone. You wouldn't hit a mare with glasses, would you?"
"Wow, the disguise kit upgrades really show," Fluttershy whispered to a redder-than-usual Big Mac. "You'd almost believe she was me! Uh, other-me, sorry."
Other-Rarity pawed the floor like a stallion preparing to charge. Her horn ignited, and Pinkie-Fluttershy's skinny oval glasses floated off her face.
For the second time that day, Rarity facehooved. "You're not serious. This is what my opposite number resorts to? Magically breaking the glasses so she can safely whale on a fake Medic? Honestly, that vaudevillian gag's older than Princess Luna!" (Somewhere in Canterlot, said princess sneezed. She smiled knowingly and continued her work on designing a thunderbolt hammer.)
"I know," other-Rarity replied coldly. She proceeded to magically smack Pinkie-Fluttershy in the face with said glasses six times. "That's why I didn't do it. Darling, have a little faith in your competition." The now very broken glasses vaporized with Pinkie-Fluttershy's disguise.
"…owww…OK, you'd hit a mare with glasses," Pinkie remarked, standing up. "Heh-heh-heh…Well played. I can't hope to top that." She flipped open her disguise kit, scrutinized it closely, and slid it inside her ninja suit, satisfied. "Other-Rarity, you beat me fair and square-ish. And man, that was a fantastic test of my skills! Can I give you something in return?"
Other-Rarity's irises expanded back to their normal size, and her whole body relaxed. "I'll probably get in deep trouble for this, but…sure, why not," she said. Her voice no longer had that strained tone to it, which put Applejack at ease as well. "What are you offering? A weapon? Intelligence? A new hat?"
Pinkie Pie giggled. She produced a large bouquet of flowers from one of her sleeves and tossed it to other-Rarity, who caught it with a perfectly-timed telekinetic flash. "D, a miscellaneous item. Aren't they pretty? I put in a card and everything!"
"I taught you how to use your weaponry and gadgets, where's my present?" Rarity grumbled. Everypony glanced at her. "What? I didn't say anything! I could never be jealous of that flake and impostor!"
The meaningful glances continued, accompanied this time by a few muffled snickers. "Who said anything about jealousy?" Zecora commented from near the fridge. "You should work on hiding your true thoughts, Rarity."
"After all," Twilight half-giggled, "slips of the tongue aren't very professional." Rarity activated her invisibility watch with a thoroughly red (and amusing) face.
Other-Rarity clapped politely. "It's nice to know the BLU Sniper and Demopony can make the same sort of armor-piercing comments—pun intended—as the real ones. Brava, you two. Brava." She floated the bouquet into her left hoof and fished out the card with her right. "You know, if this were from any other pony, I'd be on the floor in shock right now," she continued. "But isn't it just like Pinkie Pie to have a bouquet ready with a card reading 'Ha-ha, I lied'—?" They could almost hear her sentence come to a sudden, screeching halt. "…Oy vey."
Click-click. Pinkie (re)appeared right next to Rarity, her loaded Emissary almost touching the unicorn's head. "That's what Spies do best, isn't it?" she asked rhetorically. "Oh, sorry in advance about your suit. Point-blank headshots are messy and there's nothing anypony can do about it. But you probably knew that already, so…moot point."
Most of BLU team took the hint and trotted backwards about ten steps. She fired twice. Other-Rarity screamed and hit the floor with a wet thud. "An' that, mah friends, is why ya never ever drop your guard when yer dealin' with Pinkie Pie," Applejack said gravely. "Now, we gotta clean up what's left o' her—" she smacked the RED Spy's bleeding corpse for emphasis "—or this barn'll stink ta high heaven. Fluttershy, break out all the paper towels, extra plastic gloves, Ziploc bags, an' 409/Scrubbin' Bubbles we got. Oh, and some sorta disinfectant. We don' want these floors rottin' away under our hooves, right?"
"Right," she answered. The yellow pony headed directly for a supply cabinet in a back corner with her cutie mark and the words "For Really Big Messes" painted on the doors. "Oh, I really hope I remembered to buy extra-large gloves this time…"
"Ditzy, when we're done here, you an' Rainbow hide the body someplace real secret," Applejack continued. "Someplace nopony, not even another Spy, would think ta look for her."
Both pegasi looked at her in confusion. "Um, Applejack, she's already starting to disappear," Ditzy pointed out. Even as she said it, a drop of blood running down the masked unicorn's cheek vanished (along with part of that cheek).
"Ah know, sugar cube," the earth pony chuckled. "Ah've just been waitin' a long, long time to say somethin' like that." Her nose wrinkled involuntarily. "Pee-yew! Anypony got an air freshener?"
"I have an Ocean Breeze spell," Twilight offered. "It's a long-lasting illusion. For thirty minutes after it's cast, you'll swear we somehow wound up at Lakeside. Best King of the Hill site ever, by the way, I hope we can go back soon. Those hieroglyph carvings must have been on the walls since before even the Discord Age! And the obelisks perfectly exemplify primitive sun-worship and desire for harmony, and converting a desert temple into a resort-slash-battleground without harming the original architecture is just so balanced and architecturally ingenious and, and…"
Applejack cleared her throat. "You've made yer point. Everypony, Fluttershy's in charge until further notice. Ah got a project in the shop that needs some…serious glitches worked out." Mac raised a questioning eyebrow; she mouthed the word "later" to him. "See y'all in a few. Don't interrupt me unless it's an emergency. Oh, an' Rarity? You can come back now, nopony's gonna make fun o' ya." She trotted off to the base workshop with a satisfied smile on her face.
"Just as well, it was running out anyway," Rarity remarked, fading back into visibility. "Dibs on her secondary item if she's got one I don't have."
Fluttershy shrugged. "All right, I need everypony to put on a pair of these gloves. Don't take them off until I say so, especially if you're going to touch other-Rarity's body." She paused there so she wouldn't have to talk over rustling plastic. "Now that that's done, Twilight, if you'd please cast your spell…?"
Twilight nodded. Her horn lit up, emitting thin waves that were clearly supposed to be blue but seemed closer to her usual purplish-red. Each wave broke over an invisible shoreline, sending small ripples forward. Pinkie reached up to touch one once, but Zecora smacked her hoof lightly away. After a moment or two, the sparkly aura around Twilight's horn blinked out. "Done!"
Fluttershy smiled in that adorable squeaky way that only she could. "Okay, everypony, let's get to work," she directed. Ditzy and Rainbow flew just high enough to be out of the way (until they were needed) and able to hear everything. "You don't need to get the paper towels completely soaked; just a few squirts of cleaning solution will do. Oh, um, please use the 409 first, 'cause we're almost out of that anyway."
The whole process felt…wrong, somehow. You didn't clean up the bloodstains from a Spy your friend had just killed; you left the body to vanish and took whatever new weapon she dropped (or ammo you could get). Perhaps this feeling of wrongness was why they worked mostly in silence. Pinkie seemed a bit on edge, though; she kept scratching the back of her neck with a free hoof, and glancing at random places around the room. "Pinkie, darling, what is the matter?" Rarity asked eventually.
Pinkie shrugged, staring at an empty patch behind Zecora. "My neck's itchy and it wasn't itchy earlier, so that means somepony's here who shouldn't be. I just wish my Pinkie Sense could tell me what the problem was." She promptly blinked three times in a row. When she reached for the 409, her right front ankle cracked like a bag of corn chips. "Uh-oh. I just figured it out. Girls, we're being watched by somepony really close by who really shouldn't be."
Rainbow gasped slightly. "That Spy's back. Ditzy, let's split up and find her hiding place," she directed. "You check the top left half of the room, I'll check the top right. …Well? Move your flank already!"
"Nice try," Ditzy replied, flying directly above her chromatic teammate. "But you know what they say, 'Rainbow Dash'; fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I remember the last time you snuck in here, so now I know how to stop you."
"Wait, what do you mean—?" Then Rainbow noticed Ditzy had on her Maretreads. "You gotta be bleeping kidding me. Think about this for a second, Ditzy! I've been here with you the whole time!"
Ditzy folded her wings and landed on top of Rainbow with a sharp CRUNCH sound. They seemed to hang in the air for a moment, as though somepony had pressed a cosmic "pause" button. Then gravity kicked in. "AAAAAA!" she screamed as she and Ditzy hurtled to the floor. The boards creaked and groaned under her and Ditzy's combined weight. Twilight backed away from the landing site in case one snapped. "One RED Spy taken care of," Ditzy announced proudly, flying up to survey her work. "…wait…" She smacked herself in the forehead. "Luna damn it. I know I messed up bad, so nopony say anything!"
Fluttershy turned her medigun on Rainbow. "Please don't be too hard on her, she really thought you were a Spy," she whispered.
A sound like a small air conditioner kicking into gear. Everypony glanced toward the source, and six pairs of eyes widened to see other-Rarity looming behind Zecora. The body vanished, and other-Rarity tapped their zebra friend's shoulder casually. "Guess who."
Zecora turned around and panicked. "Ogbanje!" she yelled. She fired off all four of her grenades, a barrage which would leave anypony except Mac in pieces. However, panic has a way of ruining your aim. Other-Rarity had some harsh-looking burn marks, but nothing missing. "How did she get back in here so quickly?! The alarm should have gone off! Why didn't anypony say anything to me?!"
"You just found her, so DOGPILE!" Pinkie shouted. She leaped across the gap and tackled other-Rarity into the floor. For lack of any other ideas, everypony else jumped on top of her in short order, even relatively frail Twilight and Fluttershy.
"Would y'all mind keepin' it down in here?!" Applejack shouted, stamping back into the room. "Ah can't even hear myself think over—" She caught sight of a unicorn in a red-violet suit army-crawling out of the flailing mass of limbs and dust her team had become. "Aw, fer the love of Pete. You're fightin' each other, ya nutbars!"
The mass instantly separated into eight highly bruised mares (and Macintosh, only winded but clearly embarrassed), seven with sheepish expressions. "You all do realize how lucky you are to be conscious right now?" Fluttershy asked, wincing sympathetically. "Hay, I'm surprised Twilight and I are still alive!"
"You and me both, Fluttershy," Pinkie deadpanned. She stood up and stretched almost like a cat. "Now if we could get back to dealing with the impending RED invasion?" On her final words, she glared at other-Rarity and whipped out her butterfly knife again.
The RED Spy blinked in confusion. "Impending…Oh, you poor overdramatic filly. There is no invasion (today, at least). I never even left this side of the complex." She stood as well, and unsheathed her own knife. "I'd tell you how exactly I did it, but…" Her horn glowed white, and she expertly re-curled her mane and tail. "You know the phrase as well as I."
"And you know that with all of us in the same place, you won't last much longer anyway," Pinkie retorted. Her mane and tail suddenly straightened a little, and her whole body seemed to darken by a few shades of pink. Whoa, Applejack thought. Ah didn't know she hates bein' outwitted that much.
"Two-word hint, then; playing dead," other-Rarity remarked.
Fluttershy carefully nudged Twilight. "Um, the latest briefing said something about new Spy gear, right?" she whispered. "Do you think maybe…this is part of that?" Twilight shrugged. "Oh dear."
Typically for her, Pinkie Pie didn't concern herself with what other-Rarity meant by that or how she'd done such an unusual thing in the first place. "I've killed you before, I can do it again!" she shouted. She charged other-Rarity, ready to stab her wherever the knife hit first and then (probably) in the heart once she'd forced the unicorn down.
Other-Rarity smiled the tiniest of smug smiles. "Filly," she said coolly. "I—" She sidestepped away from Pinkie, slicing her diagonally across the chest. "Am—" Slice to Pinkie's leg or maybe her side, Applejack couldn't tell. "Superior!" Backstab. Twilight cringed visibly as Pinkie collapsed on the base floor, right where other-Rarity's body had been. "Before anypony asks, yes, I did sort of plan how I wanted to defeat her, and yes, it included mimicking that one time in Hightower or wherever it was."
Everypony gave her a quizzical stare. Then they flinched as a burst of microphone feedback came over the intercom. "Attention all mercenaries!" the Administrator declared. "Finish up or pause whatever you're doing and report to resupply. The name of the game today is King of the Hill. We're only fighting one round here in Sawmill, so don't disappoint me, girls~" One by one, BLU team grinned evilly and surrounded other-Rarity in a semicircle. All but Macintosh also readied their respective weapon of choice (which meant more than a few secondary and melee weapons).
"I don't suppose there's any way I could convince you to let me off easy just this once?" the RED Spy asked frantically, sweat running down her face in small rivers. Even her smile looked uncertain.
Mac flexed his hooves with two ominously loud cracks. "Nnope."
"Oh, bollocks."
Back in RED resupply…
"…the messiest her mane's ever been on respawn. Guess she's not as cool as she thought she was, huh?" Rarity clenched her teeth. She did not want to hear Rainbow Dash's grating voice immediately after respawning, especially not when it insulted her.
"Rainbow, she can hear us. Stop insulting her." She opened one eye to see Zecora, Rainbow, and Twilight (along with the others) staring at her with various degrees of confusion. "Though, your unkempt appearance does make me wonder…" The zebra paused there, as if she wasn't sure how to word her question. When she spoke again, she abandoned verse: "What the hay were you thinking?! Applejack and Pinkie Pie were ready to help you! I would have helped you if I hadn't thought I'd get caught!"
Twilight nodded. "Rarity, you of all ponies should know that a direct battle doesn't work when your MO is stealth-oriented. And besides that, generosity is a two-way street. You have to let us help you too or we'll all be in trouble." She extended a hoof to help pull Rarity into a standing position. "I think you should know that my plan was ultimately for us to come charging in and cover for your escape (somehow) if you didn't come back after the two minutes."
"So basically, every plan we've ever had except the 'cover Rarity's flank' part," Rainbow snorted. "Seriously, Rare, how did you not manage to beat that fake Spy?! HOW?! You're supposed to be the 'true professional' here, but you clearly screwed up and now we could get backstabbed by two of our friends' imposters instead of one!" She threw her hooves in the as if appealing to a higher power.
Rarity bristled. "Don't talk about confrontations you weren't there for. I did defeat BLU Pinkie, and furthermore—" Her pager bleeped twice. I earned an achievement? What? She magically pulled it out to see what sort of ironic honor the Day Guard had just bestowed upon her. As she read the message, her expression changed from bewildered to pleasant surprise. "And furthermore, we won't be fighting 'Pinkie Spy' this time around." She turned the device around so the others could see what she meant.
"'Congratulations! You've earned the achievement 'Slash and Burn,'" Zecora read. "'Backstab an enemy who switches to Pyro before respawning.' …I didn't know you could do that sort of thing." Judging by the stunned silence, neither did anypony else.
Rainbow punched the air in celebration. "Let's go, team! We've got a point to capture and some flank to buck!"