Sixth-Year Potions Can Go Wrong…Especially When Revenge is Involved.
James: Remind me why we're doing this again.
Remus: Because Sirius has that look in his eyes. You know it's unavoidable.
James: You mean the one with the twisted grin and half-twinkle that makes your very skin crawl – just with the anticipation of what could possibly be brewing in the mind of such a dangerous adolescent?
Remus: That would be the one.
Sirius: Okay, guys, I found the eye of newt, and the salamander skin is boiling in the fire. All we need is the wolfsbane.
Remus: Well, that's it.
Sirius: What?
Remus: You just convinced me.
Sirius: Of what? My dashing good looks? My unbelievable humor?
Remus: No and no. Though your humor is quite unbelievable. You've merely convinced me of my own long-standing theory of relativity.
Sirius: Which would be…?
Remus: Anything that's related to you will meet certain death within days.
Sirius: I resent that.
James: I have the wolfsbane. But I'd suggest keeping it away from Remus, or we might have to answer a few difficult questions to Pomfrey-the-busybody.
Sirius: Yeah, I kind of figured that. Remus doesn't need anymore injuries than he already has to account for. Snape might get suspicious.
Remus: Oh, that'd be a new one.
James: What would?
Remus: Snape? Suspicious? I've never seen that happen before. *rolls his eyes*
Sirius: What are you talking about? Snape's never suspicious of anyone, of course not. He's harmless. He dreams about fuzzy little bunnies and the color pink.
James: You would know.
Sirius: I would, seeing as how I put the Dream Charm on him, just last week.
Remus: So that explains the sudden John Lennon obsession of his!
Sirius: Exactly. The best way to get your enemies to hate you is to force them to sing "All You Need is Love."
James: Especially if they're Snape.
Sirius: My point exactly.
Remus: *cringes as he looks into the cauldron* Sirius? What is this potion supposed to do, exactly?
Sirius: If it fails, it'll be pretty harmless. Don't worry.
Remus: Yeah, but what if it succeeds?
Sirius: At best?
Remus: Yes.
Sirius: Well, we'll never have to worry about homework in Transfiguration, again.
James: I was afraid of this.
Sirius: As you very well should be. Snape will be sorry for turning my quill into a piranha.
Remus: Well, you have to admit, that was quite amusing…
Sirius: Easy for you to say. You didn't have to scream in agony for a good five minutes, while the man-eating monster chewed happily at your flesh, waiting for the teacher to so much as notice you.
Remus: No, but I did have to listen to your screaming.
James: You have to admit Sirius, that's almost as bad.
Sirius: Point taken. But I'm still going to have scars.
Remus: Look at it this way: You'll be able to tell your children and their children the horrific story of "The Time Snape's Spell Got Me."
Sirius: You're right, that is horrific.
James: You're agreeing?
Sirius: Of course. The idea of Snape ever achieving anything in life sends chills down my spine.
Remus: Not that I'm not highly amused by your onslaught of Snape-degradation, but the potion is gurgling.
Sirius: Oh, good.
Remus: Good? It's starting to belch!
Sirius: Mm-hmm. The desired effect is actually several rude noises before it's ready, but this'll have to do.
James: Someone please remind me why I ever agreed to this…
Sirius: Whatever could you mean, James? You went into this quite whole-heartedly.
James: When was this? Before or after your piranha attack?
Sirius: Before, actually.
James: I see. Just make sure to warn me of any imposing life-contracts next time, okay?
Sirius: Why, whatever could you mean?
James: Shut up and stir, Piranha-Boy.
Remus: Well, he is right, James.
James: Not you, too.
Remus: Sorry. I rarely agree with Sirius, I admit it, but he's right this time, hard to believe as that may be.
James: You're right, I don't believe it.
Remus: At any rate, he's right. You were quite giddy with the prospect of…ahem…"making over" Snape.
James: That was before I knew salamander skin was involved.
Sirius: But it does wonders for the skin, really!
Remus: I hear it cleans up acne.
James: Well, goodness knows Snape could use some help in that department…
Sirius: You see? It's for the betterment of mankind!
Remus: I wouldn't go that far.
Sirius: Well, the betterment of Snape, then.
James: Hm…somehow, I don't think the Ministry of Ethical Magic Practice will buy that.
Sirius: True. But they will buy the idea that Snape is an ugly git, and should therefore be obliterated from the face of the Earth – but we have to settle for this.
James: You prat. Even I don't buy that.
Remus: You have to admit, Sirius. It's a weak argument.
Sirius: That's why we're not making it.
James: We're not?
Sirius: No, of course not. Do I look stupid to you?
James: …
Remus: …
Sirius: *sighs* Don't answer that.
James: Wasn't about to.
Remus: Ditto.
Sirius: But we're not making the argument – that's all that matters.
James: Well, then who bloody is?
Sirius: Peter.
Remus: I should have known.
Sirius: You did know, what are you talking about?
Remus: Obviously nothing that would keep you from endangering the life of Severus Snape.
Sirius: Oh, don't worry. I have no intentions of killing the bloody git. That part comes later.
James: That's it, I'm done with this.
Sirius: You can't! You have to dump in the eye of newt!
James: Make me.
Remus: Ooo….
Sirius: Don't make me make you.
James: I'm making you make me. Deal with it.
Sirius: Fine. Be that way. Oh, Lily!
James: What could you possibly tell her that would sway me into your diabolical plots? Honestly, Sirius – you're losing your touch.
Sirius: Let me see…have I told Lily about that time in second year, yet?
Remus: Yes, but I never heard this one.
James: And you bloody-well never will!
Sirius: Hm…well, there goes that idea. What about…oh, I know. What about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? That has quite an interesting story behind it.
Remus: You've quelled my curiosity. I hope you're happy.
James: You wouldn't.
Sirius: Ho! Look who's under-estimated the Great Padfooted One once again!
James: No, you wouldn't. Because I would have to counter-attack.
Sirius: James, no offense, but what could you gain by telling embarrassing stories about me to your girlfriend? If anything, she might be attracted to me for my brave sense of adventure and never-ending wit. Where does that leave you?
James: I never said that I would tell Lily.
Sirius: Whom would you tell? If you were seen speaking to another girl, you'd just be even worse-off.
James: What makes you say that?
Remus: Well, James…Sirius has a point. Lily does seem to have you under her thumb.
James: I reiterate: What makes you say that?
Sirius: Hah! As if you don't know. "James, you're cheating on me!" "James, you don't really love me! You like Clarice more!" "James, I hate you!"
James: That has never happened. Lily trusts me.
Sirius: That's what you think.
Remus: I hate to be the one to tell you this, James…but Lily's bugged our room.
James: I don't believe you.
Remus: It's true. She charmed the ants that live in the walls to report any suspicious behavior to her.
James: That's preposterous.
Sirius: He's not kidding. She showed me the charm. Watch. *points his wand at a chair* Revelus Totalus!
James: If you think that's actual Latin, you really are a slow-minded, overgrown house-elf.
Sirius: So it's trashy. It means "Reveal the Whole Truth."
James: Yeah, and "Sirius" means "Dances with Wolves."
Remus: Well, actually…
James: Not a word, Wolf-Boy.
Sirius: *leaning an ear against the seat of the chair* My, my…old Bilius Weasley certainly has gotten the best of us…
Remus: What do you mean?
Sirius: My good friend, Chair, here, seems to think that Bilius has already gone to tell McGonagall about our Snape-Improving Potion.
James: There went my Head Boy nomination…
Sirius: Now, now…all we have to do is use up the potion, and then nobody can prove a thing.
Remus: And just whom do you propose we use it on? Snape isn't exactly at hand.
Sirius: Imagine. Of all times that we actually want him here, he's off snogging some fifth-year Ravenclaw…
James: Seeing as how that Bugging Charm actually works…
Sirius: I do believe James is having a Mean Thought. Hallelujah!
Remus: I smell revenge.
Sirius: How can you tell?
Remus: It's sweet.
James: As I was saying…
Sirius: Use it on Lily, right?
James: Well, you have to admit. She deserves it.
Sirius: Right-o, then. Dump in the newt eyes, and we'll be on our way.
James: Just as long as it isn't permanent.
Remus: Are you crazy? Nothing could be strong enough to last permanently on Snape.
James: But we're using it on Lily.
Sirius: Right, but if it wouldn't last on Snape, of course it wouldn't last on Lily.
James: I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.
Sirius: Good choice.
Remus: Well, gentlemen, shall we?
Sirius: We shall. Marauders – Away!