Author's Notes: This piece was actually written the same day as the story
it is a prequel to, "My Yuki". The latter was written in the morning, and
this piece was written around 9:00 in the evening. Where was "My Yuki" was
told from Toya's point of view, this one is told from Yuki's perspective
and explains the evening that lead to the events of "My Yuki". The two
stories are interwoven, like the thread that binds Toya to Yuki and visa
versa. "I Remember" is much longer than its sequel, but that is partially
due to the fact that this piece explains in much more detail Yuki's
feelings and generally takes place over a longer period of time. I hope
that you will read this after you read "My Yuki", since I think this story
is much more powerful if read second.
In this one I tried hard to make Yuki's voice different from Toya's, and I hope I was successful in doing so. This is a story of unrequited love that finally sees the sun, and there are some of my own thoughts interwoven in this story. If you are reading this, Yumeko, you should know what I mean by that.
~AA
I Remember
I remember. I remember both the pain I felt, and the joy that followed afterwards.
It was a cold December night, but no snow covered the earth just yet. The sky was full to bursting, and snow had been forecast for later that night after midnight.
I had grabbed my old soccer coat as I left, hoping it would be enough for the night. I glanced for just a moment at the dark house before I left, deciding I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself tonight about the fact that my grandparents were away.
As soon as I shut the door behind me I wished I had brought a warmer jacket. Oh well, I was keeping you waiting as it was. So I simply zipped it up and stuck my hands in the pockets while I hunkered down deeper into the folds of it as I walked down the street towards your house and you.
It was moderately cold, the kind of cold that eats into your bones and makes you feel like a block of ice despite the layers you have on. I couldn't see the stars, or the moon for that matter. The clouds gave the illusion that the sky had just burned out, and it frightened me for some reason.
As I approached your house I could see you leaning against the mailbox. You had obviously thought about the weather before leaving the house, for I could see even from a distance that you were dressed warmly.
As soon as you saw me you stepped away from your post and waved to me.
"Yo, what took you so long?"
"Sorry," I said as I waved back. "I didn't want to end up being so late."
You smiled at me and punched me lightly in the chest. "And you say you're in college? Everyone knows that college students are never supposed to be late."
I smiled. "I just hope your sister learns more quickly than me."
At the mention of Sakura your face changed to a somewhat sadder one. I felt like hitting myself when I realized that your house was also dark. I had forgotten that your father and sister were in England, and I almost winced for bringing up something that you were obviously upset about. There I go again, I thought. Speaking before thinking.
You snapped out of it quickly, though. You grinned and started walking.
"The monster's gotten better. C'mon, let's go."
I nodded and followed after you. We walked in silence for several minutes under the black sky. You seemed to notice my discomfort, so you engaged us both in conversation.
"So what's so great about this new place?"
Your voice startled me for a second. I snapped out of it and smiled slightly. "Professor Nagoi told me about it. He says they serve good food, and he said their sake is better than most." I giggled slightly. Professor Nagoi was also the resident drunk on campus.
I paused when you didn't laugh with me. I looked up at you, puzzled. You had a somewhat stern look on your face, which only confused me more.
"You're not going to be drinking tonight, right?" It was odd how you said that, making it sound more like a statement than a question.
I blinked. "Oh, of course not. When I was a kid I accidentally had some of my grandpa's sake." I made a face to illustrate my point. "I vowed I would never touch the stuff again."
This seemed to put your worries to rest.
"Good," you said with a sarcastic smile. "Because the idea of carrying you home isn't too pleasant."
I wrinkled my nose. "Hey, I'm not that irresponsible."
You smiled back at me and rumpled my hair. The feel of your hand on my head sent an electric shock through my mind. You obviously felt me tense for a moment, since you kept it there just a moment too long.
When we arrived I realized that the Professor hadn't been lying. Several people stood at the counter to order drinks, and some of them stood on the porch outside sipping their hot sake.
Just like kids and cocoa, I thought to myself.
We got a seat at the counter, where you, much to my surprise, ordered some expensive American draft under some name I can't pronounce. I just ordered some appetizers; I don't remember what they were.
After some time you spotted our professor in the corner with some other people from the campus. You looked over to me, but I shook my head, indicating that I would rather stay where I was.
You walked over to them and waved to the Professor, who had obviously had a few drinks himself. I couldn't hear what you were saying, but I saw you laugh and clap him on the shoulder.
As I watched you I remembered something from when I was in high school. We had been in Literature Class together, and you had given a report about a book where one character had killed herself because she would only be able to be with her lover in death, even though he still lived. I remembered your words as you gave your report.
"...so she chose to take her own life rather than to be alone," you had said. "What she felt for him was unrequited love, which is both eternal joy..." your eyes had met mine as you said this.
"And constant agony."
I frowned. What you had said had stuck with me. Suddenly my heart almost skipped a beat. Was it possible you felt the same way?
As I watched you I thought, that maybe we could tell each other how we felt, that maybe, just maybe, we could be together...
Another thought hit me like a lightening bolt before the first could be completed. My eyes widened as I thought about you, how miserable you would be and how...
...and how it might just cause you to hate the fact that you had ever met me.
I suddenly started to tremble. I felt the emotion building in my chest, and I knew that I would not be able to contain it. I watched you as tears welled up in my eyes and I knew that I could never do that to you. No, I would not, and could not ever make you suffer so.
My emotions needed to escape, so my body did it for them. Before I knew it I was out the door and running, running away from you, and running away from myself. I heard you call my name, but I refused to listen.
My legs carried me away from where I had left you, as tears streamed down my face and turned to ice in the cold winter air. I didn't care. My sobs raked my chest as the cold air caused my lungs to scream in pain.
I couldn't run forever. My body could not keep up with my emotions, so eventually I chose a park bench to park my sorry self on. I sat and took off my glasses, which were already fogged up from my tears. I fixed my gaze on a patch of moss on the sidewalk, as my body remained stationary while my mind screamed in pain.
Naturally, you found me. You weren't the best player on the soccer team for nothing. I heard your footsteps and forced myself further into my shell. You couldn't know. You could never know how I really felt.
I felt the bench shift slightly as you sat down on my right side. You sat in silence as I tried to contain my emotions within me. I heard you sigh.
"Yuki..."
"It's nothing!" I screamed. I put my head in my hands. "Please, it's nothing."
I heard you sigh.
"Yuki, you are the worst liar I have ever met."
You reached your hand towards mine.
"Yuki..."
"Don't touch me!" I cried as I pulled my hand away sharply. You were silent as I felt you draw you hand away. My body trembled as I spoke.
"Toya, please... just forget about me. I'm of no use to you."
You blinked. "Yuki, what are you talk..."
"Please, forget you ever met me." I interrupted.
"Toya, erase me. I can't bring you anything but pain."
Tears welled up in my eyes as I cupped my face in my hands. When I next spoke it was in a pained, soft voice.
"Please, just forget me."
You inhaled sharply, but then you exhaled slowly. You suddenly pulled me towards you and into your chest. This time I didn't resist. I stayed there, sobbing into your shirt while you held my trembling body.
"Yuki, how could you bring me pain?"
I closed my eyes and forced back a sob. "Toya, I can't help you in any way. If I... If I were to let you know... how I felt..." I squinted my eyes shut. "It would be the end of everything!"
You were silent for a moment before you tried to hold me closer. I pushed away from you and finally met your eyes.
"No! I can't do that to you! You'd lose everything, and I'm just not worth it! I won't let you give up everything you love just for me!" I broke down then. Nothing could stop the flood of emotion as it surged out of me. No. I wouldn't let you give up all you had for me.
I sobbed for several minutes as you thought. You might have done other things while I cried, but I was too caught up in my own emotions to notice. After what felt like an eternity you finally spoke.
"Yuki..."
"Forget me Toya! I can't..."
"Stop it with the bull shit!"
I looked up suddenly, for the first time I really saw your eyes. They looked angry, but then they relaxed, and your voice lowered and became more like it usually was. "Stop it. You're not thinking clearly."
"I'm thinking more clearly than I ever have in my life!"
You grabbed me by my shoulders and glared at me. "Yuki, look at me."
I didn't.
"Look at me!"
I did.
You sighed. "Yuki, don't you know by now that it doesn't matter." You pulled me into your arms. "I don't care about that. I'm not that selfish. I don't care what happens as long as I'm with you."
There was never a doubt in my mind that you spoke the truth. I trembled in your arms. I finally couldn't contain it and fell apart. This was the ocean compared to the past flood. My tears soaked into your cotton shirt, but you paid no mind. You just held me as I let it all come out.
I don't know for how long we sat like that. But eventually it all was gone, my eyes were dry, and all my energy had left me. I collapsed onto you and felt you lift me onto my feet. You placed my arm around your shoulder as you wrapped your other arm around my waist. I felt my heart flutter again at the touch of your hands. You talked me into walking with you, for somehow my feet still moved.
I became dimly aware of brightness, followed shortly after by the sensation of being lifted onto something soft. I heard your voice but didn't understand any of the words you spoke, and eventually I passed into the sweet nothingness of darkness.
I awoke what must have been hours later to the sound of your breathing as you too slept. I opened my eyes and found myself to be in your living room on your couch, and you were dozing in a chair next to me that you had obviously brought from the kitchen.
It took a moment for me to remember what had happened, but when I did it all came back with quite an impact. My eyes had not yet dried completely, so the tears were not as many as they had been. My chest quivered and I let out a single, sorrowful sob.
You were beside me in an instant. You placed your hand on the side of my face. I blinked away my tears and looked into your eyes. You smiled at me, and I couldn't help but smile back at you.
You helped me to my feet and helped me upstairs. I was so out of it I don't even remember going up the stairs. I fell gratefully into the folds of your bed and felt as if I were in the safest place on earth. I lay there and let my mind go blank. I could feel you near me, but something tugged at my heart when you made as if to leave.
"Toya..." the sound of my own raspy voice startled me. I heard you turn around.
"What is it?"
The sound of your low, comforting voice made my heart seem to warm within my chest.
"Could...could you lie down next to me?"
You were silent for a moment.
"Sure."
I felt you lie down on my right side. My heart was fluttering as I felt you run your hand down the side of my face. I felt you lean closer, and I remember the tickle of your breath on my face as you whispered in my ear. It was then I heard the words I had wanted to hear for so long finally meet my ears.
"Yuki, I love you."
I opened my eyes to find that yours were closed as you stroked my face with your hand. I wanted to sing, I was so happy. But my body would not listen to the rest of me, so all I could do was lie still as your face approached mine.
This is a dream, I thought as your lips approached mine. This is too good to be true.
I told myself this just as your lips were an inch from mine. The second before they touched was the longest moment of my life, but when they ended the joy I felt blew away all the doubts that were in my heart.
No, I thought as I gave myself to the kiss and released all the passion that had been dormant inside for so long. This isn't a dream.
I gave everything that was me to you then, and I have never, no, I will never regret it. And you gave me yourself, which is the greatest gift either of us could ever give to one another.
Toya, I will always remember that moment, and I will always remember you and the love that you gave me. Nothing can ever change that.
My unrequited love was finally returned, and I thank you for that, always.
End
In this one I tried hard to make Yuki's voice different from Toya's, and I hope I was successful in doing so. This is a story of unrequited love that finally sees the sun, and there are some of my own thoughts interwoven in this story. If you are reading this, Yumeko, you should know what I mean by that.
~AA
I Remember
I remember. I remember both the pain I felt, and the joy that followed afterwards.
It was a cold December night, but no snow covered the earth just yet. The sky was full to bursting, and snow had been forecast for later that night after midnight.
I had grabbed my old soccer coat as I left, hoping it would be enough for the night. I glanced for just a moment at the dark house before I left, deciding I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself tonight about the fact that my grandparents were away.
As soon as I shut the door behind me I wished I had brought a warmer jacket. Oh well, I was keeping you waiting as it was. So I simply zipped it up and stuck my hands in the pockets while I hunkered down deeper into the folds of it as I walked down the street towards your house and you.
It was moderately cold, the kind of cold that eats into your bones and makes you feel like a block of ice despite the layers you have on. I couldn't see the stars, or the moon for that matter. The clouds gave the illusion that the sky had just burned out, and it frightened me for some reason.
As I approached your house I could see you leaning against the mailbox. You had obviously thought about the weather before leaving the house, for I could see even from a distance that you were dressed warmly.
As soon as you saw me you stepped away from your post and waved to me.
"Yo, what took you so long?"
"Sorry," I said as I waved back. "I didn't want to end up being so late."
You smiled at me and punched me lightly in the chest. "And you say you're in college? Everyone knows that college students are never supposed to be late."
I smiled. "I just hope your sister learns more quickly than me."
At the mention of Sakura your face changed to a somewhat sadder one. I felt like hitting myself when I realized that your house was also dark. I had forgotten that your father and sister were in England, and I almost winced for bringing up something that you were obviously upset about. There I go again, I thought. Speaking before thinking.
You snapped out of it quickly, though. You grinned and started walking.
"The monster's gotten better. C'mon, let's go."
I nodded and followed after you. We walked in silence for several minutes under the black sky. You seemed to notice my discomfort, so you engaged us both in conversation.
"So what's so great about this new place?"
Your voice startled me for a second. I snapped out of it and smiled slightly. "Professor Nagoi told me about it. He says they serve good food, and he said their sake is better than most." I giggled slightly. Professor Nagoi was also the resident drunk on campus.
I paused when you didn't laugh with me. I looked up at you, puzzled. You had a somewhat stern look on your face, which only confused me more.
"You're not going to be drinking tonight, right?" It was odd how you said that, making it sound more like a statement than a question.
I blinked. "Oh, of course not. When I was a kid I accidentally had some of my grandpa's sake." I made a face to illustrate my point. "I vowed I would never touch the stuff again."
This seemed to put your worries to rest.
"Good," you said with a sarcastic smile. "Because the idea of carrying you home isn't too pleasant."
I wrinkled my nose. "Hey, I'm not that irresponsible."
You smiled back at me and rumpled my hair. The feel of your hand on my head sent an electric shock through my mind. You obviously felt me tense for a moment, since you kept it there just a moment too long.
When we arrived I realized that the Professor hadn't been lying. Several people stood at the counter to order drinks, and some of them stood on the porch outside sipping their hot sake.
Just like kids and cocoa, I thought to myself.
We got a seat at the counter, where you, much to my surprise, ordered some expensive American draft under some name I can't pronounce. I just ordered some appetizers; I don't remember what they were.
After some time you spotted our professor in the corner with some other people from the campus. You looked over to me, but I shook my head, indicating that I would rather stay where I was.
You walked over to them and waved to the Professor, who had obviously had a few drinks himself. I couldn't hear what you were saying, but I saw you laugh and clap him on the shoulder.
As I watched you I remembered something from when I was in high school. We had been in Literature Class together, and you had given a report about a book where one character had killed herself because she would only be able to be with her lover in death, even though he still lived. I remembered your words as you gave your report.
"...so she chose to take her own life rather than to be alone," you had said. "What she felt for him was unrequited love, which is both eternal joy..." your eyes had met mine as you said this.
"And constant agony."
I frowned. What you had said had stuck with me. Suddenly my heart almost skipped a beat. Was it possible you felt the same way?
As I watched you I thought, that maybe we could tell each other how we felt, that maybe, just maybe, we could be together...
Another thought hit me like a lightening bolt before the first could be completed. My eyes widened as I thought about you, how miserable you would be and how...
...and how it might just cause you to hate the fact that you had ever met me.
I suddenly started to tremble. I felt the emotion building in my chest, and I knew that I would not be able to contain it. I watched you as tears welled up in my eyes and I knew that I could never do that to you. No, I would not, and could not ever make you suffer so.
My emotions needed to escape, so my body did it for them. Before I knew it I was out the door and running, running away from you, and running away from myself. I heard you call my name, but I refused to listen.
My legs carried me away from where I had left you, as tears streamed down my face and turned to ice in the cold winter air. I didn't care. My sobs raked my chest as the cold air caused my lungs to scream in pain.
I couldn't run forever. My body could not keep up with my emotions, so eventually I chose a park bench to park my sorry self on. I sat and took off my glasses, which were already fogged up from my tears. I fixed my gaze on a patch of moss on the sidewalk, as my body remained stationary while my mind screamed in pain.
Naturally, you found me. You weren't the best player on the soccer team for nothing. I heard your footsteps and forced myself further into my shell. You couldn't know. You could never know how I really felt.
I felt the bench shift slightly as you sat down on my right side. You sat in silence as I tried to contain my emotions within me. I heard you sigh.
"Yuki..."
"It's nothing!" I screamed. I put my head in my hands. "Please, it's nothing."
I heard you sigh.
"Yuki, you are the worst liar I have ever met."
You reached your hand towards mine.
"Yuki..."
"Don't touch me!" I cried as I pulled my hand away sharply. You were silent as I felt you draw you hand away. My body trembled as I spoke.
"Toya, please... just forget about me. I'm of no use to you."
You blinked. "Yuki, what are you talk..."
"Please, forget you ever met me." I interrupted.
"Toya, erase me. I can't bring you anything but pain."
Tears welled up in my eyes as I cupped my face in my hands. When I next spoke it was in a pained, soft voice.
"Please, just forget me."
You inhaled sharply, but then you exhaled slowly. You suddenly pulled me towards you and into your chest. This time I didn't resist. I stayed there, sobbing into your shirt while you held my trembling body.
"Yuki, how could you bring me pain?"
I closed my eyes and forced back a sob. "Toya, I can't help you in any way. If I... If I were to let you know... how I felt..." I squinted my eyes shut. "It would be the end of everything!"
You were silent for a moment before you tried to hold me closer. I pushed away from you and finally met your eyes.
"No! I can't do that to you! You'd lose everything, and I'm just not worth it! I won't let you give up everything you love just for me!" I broke down then. Nothing could stop the flood of emotion as it surged out of me. No. I wouldn't let you give up all you had for me.
I sobbed for several minutes as you thought. You might have done other things while I cried, but I was too caught up in my own emotions to notice. After what felt like an eternity you finally spoke.
"Yuki..."
"Forget me Toya! I can't..."
"Stop it with the bull shit!"
I looked up suddenly, for the first time I really saw your eyes. They looked angry, but then they relaxed, and your voice lowered and became more like it usually was. "Stop it. You're not thinking clearly."
"I'm thinking more clearly than I ever have in my life!"
You grabbed me by my shoulders and glared at me. "Yuki, look at me."
I didn't.
"Look at me!"
I did.
You sighed. "Yuki, don't you know by now that it doesn't matter." You pulled me into your arms. "I don't care about that. I'm not that selfish. I don't care what happens as long as I'm with you."
There was never a doubt in my mind that you spoke the truth. I trembled in your arms. I finally couldn't contain it and fell apart. This was the ocean compared to the past flood. My tears soaked into your cotton shirt, but you paid no mind. You just held me as I let it all come out.
I don't know for how long we sat like that. But eventually it all was gone, my eyes were dry, and all my energy had left me. I collapsed onto you and felt you lift me onto my feet. You placed my arm around your shoulder as you wrapped your other arm around my waist. I felt my heart flutter again at the touch of your hands. You talked me into walking with you, for somehow my feet still moved.
I became dimly aware of brightness, followed shortly after by the sensation of being lifted onto something soft. I heard your voice but didn't understand any of the words you spoke, and eventually I passed into the sweet nothingness of darkness.
I awoke what must have been hours later to the sound of your breathing as you too slept. I opened my eyes and found myself to be in your living room on your couch, and you were dozing in a chair next to me that you had obviously brought from the kitchen.
It took a moment for me to remember what had happened, but when I did it all came back with quite an impact. My eyes had not yet dried completely, so the tears were not as many as they had been. My chest quivered and I let out a single, sorrowful sob.
You were beside me in an instant. You placed your hand on the side of my face. I blinked away my tears and looked into your eyes. You smiled at me, and I couldn't help but smile back at you.
You helped me to my feet and helped me upstairs. I was so out of it I don't even remember going up the stairs. I fell gratefully into the folds of your bed and felt as if I were in the safest place on earth. I lay there and let my mind go blank. I could feel you near me, but something tugged at my heart when you made as if to leave.
"Toya..." the sound of my own raspy voice startled me. I heard you turn around.
"What is it?"
The sound of your low, comforting voice made my heart seem to warm within my chest.
"Could...could you lie down next to me?"
You were silent for a moment.
"Sure."
I felt you lie down on my right side. My heart was fluttering as I felt you run your hand down the side of my face. I felt you lean closer, and I remember the tickle of your breath on my face as you whispered in my ear. It was then I heard the words I had wanted to hear for so long finally meet my ears.
"Yuki, I love you."
I opened my eyes to find that yours were closed as you stroked my face with your hand. I wanted to sing, I was so happy. But my body would not listen to the rest of me, so all I could do was lie still as your face approached mine.
This is a dream, I thought as your lips approached mine. This is too good to be true.
I told myself this just as your lips were an inch from mine. The second before they touched was the longest moment of my life, but when they ended the joy I felt blew away all the doubts that were in my heart.
No, I thought as I gave myself to the kiss and released all the passion that had been dormant inside for so long. This isn't a dream.
I gave everything that was me to you then, and I have never, no, I will never regret it. And you gave me yourself, which is the greatest gift either of us could ever give to one another.
Toya, I will always remember that moment, and I will always remember you and the love that you gave me. Nothing can ever change that.
My unrequited love was finally returned, and I thank you for that, always.
End