OUTTAKES AND MISTAKES – FINAL FANTASY VII
(City of the Ancients. Famous Death of Aeris scene)
(Sephiroth begins coming down)
CLOUD: -Looks up- Seph, your fly's down!
SEPH: It is? –Fumbles with it, losing his sword-
(Seph lands on Aeris, knocking her out)
SEPH: -Looks up to Cloud- Hold on a second, I'm wearing sweat pants you bastard!
(CUT)
(Rocket Town. Party VS Palmer)
PALMER: -While fighting- What the heck is goin' on? The script doesn't mention this!
CID: Does the script mention you getting hit by a truck?
PALMER: A what?
(Truck hits Palmer, sending him across the horizon)
DIRECTOR: CUT CUT! That was all wrong! –Walks up to truck driver, fuming.- See the script? You hit him at TWO HUNDRED miles an hour, not one! A hundred miles never killed anyone! Now we have to pay him MORE!
(CUT)
(Bar in Wall Market)
AERIS: See…he said he'd like to dress up like a girl, just once!
MANAGER: -Blinks, looking up at Cloud- A tough guy like him?
CLOUD: -Hesitates, then nods-
MANAGER: -Blinks, taking another shot of tequila- *Hic* Watch out Rupaul! There's two himali elephants performing a mating ritual on your head!
CLOUD: -Shakes his head-
MANAGER: Noooo! Don't send them towards me! –Runs away, trips over a chair, lands onto the all-you can eat buffet, scalds himself on a burner, then runs circles around Cloud and Aeris screaming "Noo! Mating dance on my hand!"-
AERIS: -Blinks, then looks to waiter- What's in this man's tequila?
WAITER: Ah, the Five Alarm Moisson. Tar, LSDee, Pure Mako, shredded newspapers…
AERIS: -Peers into the drink, pulling out a slip of paper- Sonny Bono died?
(CUT)
(OUTAKE)
(Vice President Rufus looks to Reno and Rude as they guard the captured Aeris)
RUFUS: -To Reno and Rude- Guard her, and make sure she doesn't escape, until I come and get her –Turns to leave-
RUDE: Not to leave the room, even if you come to get her. Gotcha boss.
RUFUS: -Blinks- No. I want you two to STAY in here, and make sure, SHE doesn't leave, until I come back and get her!
RENO: Can she come with us?
RUFUS: No! She stays in here, and doesn't leave until I come and get her!
RUDE: But if she HAD to leave, like an emergency, could she –
RUFUS: -Points- No, you guard HER, and she DOESN'T leave, until I come and GET her!
RENO: Ooooh! I thought you meant him! –Points to Rude- Seemed kinda weird to me, guard him when he's a guard…
RUFUS: -Takes a deep breath- So you understand now?
RUDE & RENO: Gotcha boss
RUFUS: -Goes to leave-
RUDE & RENO: -Follow-
(CUT)
(Ending sequence. Cloud snaps back into reality)
TIFA: Cloud!
(Cloud, rushes towards her hand, she falls as well, Cloud catches, and holds onto a ledge. Tifa then loses her grip.)
TIFA: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee
CLOUD: -Blinks- There's a net down there right?
(Sound of rock meeting flesh)
CLOUD: -Blinks again- Never mind
DIRECTOR: Oh why did I turn down that cat food commercial for this?
(CUT)
(Final bout between Cloud and Sephiroth)
(INSERT: Fancy camera angles)
CLOUD: It's you and me Sephiroth…
ALOUISOUS PIG: Cut cut cut! Cloud?
CLOUD: Alouisous? Aren't you on the Garfield show?
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Ahem- I'm from (Sound effect: Da dun!) The Network.
SEPH: (*Dun dun*) The Network?
ALOUISOUS PIG: Precisley. I've been hired by the director to keep you on budget!
CLOUD: Budget? But? –He looks at his Ultima Weapon-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Snaps his fingers- Gimmie the sword, we have to sell it until Square sets aside more money.
CLOUD: -Forks it over- What am I using now?
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Tosses Cloud a butter knife-
SEPH: ^_^
ALOUISOUS PIG: Seph, gimmie yours too
SEPH: x_X –Forks it over-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Hands Seph a butcher knife- Same deal with Cloud
SEPH: ….-Butchers Cloud with it-
(CUT)
(Inside Cloud's mind)
TIFA: –Wanders around for a little bit, seemingly getting ready to sing- "Oh Cloud…" –There is no music to go with it. She stops.- Hey, I thought I was gonna do my big solo!
ALOUISOUS PIG: We fired the orchestra! They wanted overscale!
TIFA: What!??!
ALOUISOUS PIG: -While walking away- The oboe alone gets six dollars an hour…
(CUT)
(Party is involved in an ordinary battle. Vincent is on the far right)
VINCENT: -Pulls back to fire his magnum-
ALOUISOUS PIG: Cuuuuuuuut! Cut cut cut!
VINCENT: Huh? –Scratches head-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Examines Vince's gun- Excuse me? You're using a VERY violent weapon!
VINCENT: -Blinks- Bu, but Barret's got a Gattling Gun! Rufus has a shotgun!
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Ahem- Barret has a prostetic arm. What HE does with it is none of our business!
VINCENT: Then why does Rufus get a shotgun?
ALOUISOUS PIG: Because he's evil, and you're not. –Snatches his pistol –You may use this –Hands Vincent a rock-
VINCENT: Thanks…
ALOUISOUS PIG: I'll take that arm guard too, it's solid gold, and Square needs the money so we can give Tifa some decent clothes.
VINCENT: -Mutters as Alouisous walks offstage-
ALOUISOUS PIG: ACTION!
VINCENT: Screw this, I'm barricading myself in my trailer until the director sends a chick after me!
(CUT)
(Characters imprisoned in the ShinRa Building.)
SOME REPORTER PERSON: Oh, I have the key officer. But I'm not coming out of here…
LEON KENNEDY: Look, if you want to leave, you have to go NOW, with me!
CLOUD: -Blinks- Who the hell are you two?
LEON KENNEDY: I'm Leon S Kennedy of the RPD, who are you?
CLOUD: -Sweatdrops- Er…you guys are Resident Evil 2 right?
LEON: -Nods-
CLOUD: We booked the cell right now, you get it at two!
LEON: But that can't be!
CLOUD: Why?
(Blood curdeling scream is heard off in the distance)
LEON: Because we already released the G-Virused William!
CLOUD: What? GET US OUT OF HERE! –Yanks at bars-
DIRECTOR: No! This is splendid! Use it!
LEON: -Shrugs, walks past Cloud- Well, you're fucked up now!
(CUT)
(Flashback involving Vincent, scene where he is shot)
HOJO: -Pulls the trigger, nothing happens- What the…? Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom!
-He pulls the trigger again, just a click-
HOJO: The hell is wrong with this prop? –Holds barrel to eye to examine, pulls trigger again
-Insert: Earth Shattering Kaboom-
(CUT, Cue medics)
(President ShinRa's office. Turks have captured Cloud and co. They don't face the president)
SHINRA: Spectactular stunt my friends, but all for not! Turn around please? (Looks up)
(They turn around. Tifa is smoking a cigar, Cloud's hair isn't right, Red is a small dog, Aeris weighs about two hundred pounds extra, and Barret's about two hundred pounds light)
SHINRA: (Continues) What a pity! So my friends, you thought you could outwit the nefarious forces of- (He takes a good look at them. He turns to the Turks) You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their STUNT DOUBLES! Find them! CATCH THEM!
(CUT, stunt doubles talk with each other)
(Mako Reactor, during boss fight)
BARRET: (Hits Boss with Limit break, accidently shoots the self destruct button. Boss blows up)
(Cloud hangs onto ledge)
ALOUISOUS: Cut! Cut!
DIRECTOR: Nono! Keep filming!
CLOUD: !#$@ You guys!
(Scene continues)
(Escaping from the ShinRa Building, cutscene. Cloud drives down the stairs)
CLOUD: (Vibrating) E-e-e-e I th-ink I'm go-oona pu—uu—ke
(Bike smashes into wall, rolls over, knocks Cloud off, Cloud gets crushed by motorbike by the time they reach the bottom)
DIRECTOR: Why god, why? STUNT DOUBLE?
(Scene with Don Corneo)
DON: Wait? Why do you think I've told you all this?
CLOUD: Er…because you expect to win?
DON: Exactly! (Pulls a switch)
(Trapdoor turns out to be two feet to the left of the party. Don scowls)
DON: God damnit! I'll be in my trailer!
(Near end of disc two. Cloud and Tifa)
TIFA: Sometimes you can express your feelings with actions…
Meanwhile, up in the Highwind…
CID: Get the !$#!@$# camcorder!
BARRET: I'll take da pictures!
DIRECTOR: (Peers over the edge) Er…cut! Guys! Cut and wrap! CUT IT OUT YOU TWO!
(City of the Ancients. Famous Death of Aeris scene)
(Sephiroth begins coming down)
CLOUD: -Looks up- Seph, your fly's down!
SEPH: It is? –Fumbles with it, losing his sword-
(Seph lands on Aeris, knocking her out)
SEPH: -Looks up to Cloud- Hold on a second, I'm wearing sweat pants you bastard!
(CUT)
(Rocket Town. Party VS Palmer)
PALMER: -While fighting- What the heck is goin' on? The script doesn't mention this!
CID: Does the script mention you getting hit by a truck?
PALMER: A what?
(Truck hits Palmer, sending him across the horizon)
DIRECTOR: CUT CUT! That was all wrong! –Walks up to truck driver, fuming.- See the script? You hit him at TWO HUNDRED miles an hour, not one! A hundred miles never killed anyone! Now we have to pay him MORE!
(CUT)
(Bar in Wall Market)
AERIS: See…he said he'd like to dress up like a girl, just once!
MANAGER: -Blinks, looking up at Cloud- A tough guy like him?
CLOUD: -Hesitates, then nods-
MANAGER: -Blinks, taking another shot of tequila- *Hic* Watch out Rupaul! There's two himali elephants performing a mating ritual on your head!
CLOUD: -Shakes his head-
MANAGER: Noooo! Don't send them towards me! –Runs away, trips over a chair, lands onto the all-you can eat buffet, scalds himself on a burner, then runs circles around Cloud and Aeris screaming "Noo! Mating dance on my hand!"-
AERIS: -Blinks, then looks to waiter- What's in this man's tequila?
WAITER: Ah, the Five Alarm Moisson. Tar, LSDee, Pure Mako, shredded newspapers…
AERIS: -Peers into the drink, pulling out a slip of paper- Sonny Bono died?
(CUT)
(OUTAKE)
(Vice President Rufus looks to Reno and Rude as they guard the captured Aeris)
RUFUS: -To Reno and Rude- Guard her, and make sure she doesn't escape, until I come and get her –Turns to leave-
RUDE: Not to leave the room, even if you come to get her. Gotcha boss.
RUFUS: -Blinks- No. I want you two to STAY in here, and make sure, SHE doesn't leave, until I come back and get her!
RENO: Can she come with us?
RUFUS: No! She stays in here, and doesn't leave until I come and get her!
RUDE: But if she HAD to leave, like an emergency, could she –
RUFUS: -Points- No, you guard HER, and she DOESN'T leave, until I come and GET her!
RENO: Ooooh! I thought you meant him! –Points to Rude- Seemed kinda weird to me, guard him when he's a guard…
RUFUS: -Takes a deep breath- So you understand now?
RUDE & RENO: Gotcha boss
RUFUS: -Goes to leave-
RUDE & RENO: -Follow-
(CUT)
(Ending sequence. Cloud snaps back into reality)
TIFA: Cloud!
(Cloud, rushes towards her hand, she falls as well, Cloud catches, and holds onto a ledge. Tifa then loses her grip.)
TIFA: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee
CLOUD: -Blinks- There's a net down there right?
(Sound of rock meeting flesh)
CLOUD: -Blinks again- Never mind
DIRECTOR: Oh why did I turn down that cat food commercial for this?
(CUT)
(Final bout between Cloud and Sephiroth)
(INSERT: Fancy camera angles)
CLOUD: It's you and me Sephiroth…
ALOUISOUS PIG: Cut cut cut! Cloud?
CLOUD: Alouisous? Aren't you on the Garfield show?
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Ahem- I'm from (Sound effect: Da dun!) The Network.
SEPH: (*Dun dun*) The Network?
ALOUISOUS PIG: Precisley. I've been hired by the director to keep you on budget!
CLOUD: Budget? But? –He looks at his Ultima Weapon-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Snaps his fingers- Gimmie the sword, we have to sell it until Square sets aside more money.
CLOUD: -Forks it over- What am I using now?
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Tosses Cloud a butter knife-
SEPH: ^_^
ALOUISOUS PIG: Seph, gimmie yours too
SEPH: x_X –Forks it over-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Hands Seph a butcher knife- Same deal with Cloud
SEPH: ….-Butchers Cloud with it-
(CUT)
(Inside Cloud's mind)
TIFA: –Wanders around for a little bit, seemingly getting ready to sing- "Oh Cloud…" –There is no music to go with it. She stops.- Hey, I thought I was gonna do my big solo!
ALOUISOUS PIG: We fired the orchestra! They wanted overscale!
TIFA: What!??!
ALOUISOUS PIG: -While walking away- The oboe alone gets six dollars an hour…
(CUT)
(Party is involved in an ordinary battle. Vincent is on the far right)
VINCENT: -Pulls back to fire his magnum-
ALOUISOUS PIG: Cuuuuuuuut! Cut cut cut!
VINCENT: Huh? –Scratches head-
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Examines Vince's gun- Excuse me? You're using a VERY violent weapon!
VINCENT: -Blinks- Bu, but Barret's got a Gattling Gun! Rufus has a shotgun!
ALOUISOUS PIG: -Ahem- Barret has a prostetic arm. What HE does with it is none of our business!
VINCENT: Then why does Rufus get a shotgun?
ALOUISOUS PIG: Because he's evil, and you're not. –Snatches his pistol –You may use this –Hands Vincent a rock-
VINCENT: Thanks…
ALOUISOUS PIG: I'll take that arm guard too, it's solid gold, and Square needs the money so we can give Tifa some decent clothes.
VINCENT: -Mutters as Alouisous walks offstage-
ALOUISOUS PIG: ACTION!
VINCENT: Screw this, I'm barricading myself in my trailer until the director sends a chick after me!
(CUT)
(Characters imprisoned in the ShinRa Building.)
SOME REPORTER PERSON: Oh, I have the key officer. But I'm not coming out of here…
LEON KENNEDY: Look, if you want to leave, you have to go NOW, with me!
CLOUD: -Blinks- Who the hell are you two?
LEON KENNEDY: I'm Leon S Kennedy of the RPD, who are you?
CLOUD: -Sweatdrops- Er…you guys are Resident Evil 2 right?
LEON: -Nods-
CLOUD: We booked the cell right now, you get it at two!
LEON: But that can't be!
CLOUD: Why?
(Blood curdeling scream is heard off in the distance)
LEON: Because we already released the G-Virused William!
CLOUD: What? GET US OUT OF HERE! –Yanks at bars-
DIRECTOR: No! This is splendid! Use it!
LEON: -Shrugs, walks past Cloud- Well, you're fucked up now!
(CUT)
(Flashback involving Vincent, scene where he is shot)
HOJO: -Pulls the trigger, nothing happens- What the…? Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom!
-He pulls the trigger again, just a click-
HOJO: The hell is wrong with this prop? –Holds barrel to eye to examine, pulls trigger again
-Insert: Earth Shattering Kaboom-
(CUT, Cue medics)
(President ShinRa's office. Turks have captured Cloud and co. They don't face the president)
SHINRA: Spectactular stunt my friends, but all for not! Turn around please? (Looks up)
(They turn around. Tifa is smoking a cigar, Cloud's hair isn't right, Red is a small dog, Aeris weighs about two hundred pounds extra, and Barret's about two hundred pounds light)
SHINRA: (Continues) What a pity! So my friends, you thought you could outwit the nefarious forces of- (He takes a good look at them. He turns to the Turks) You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their STUNT DOUBLES! Find them! CATCH THEM!
(CUT, stunt doubles talk with each other)
(Mako Reactor, during boss fight)
BARRET: (Hits Boss with Limit break, accidently shoots the self destruct button. Boss blows up)
(Cloud hangs onto ledge)
ALOUISOUS: Cut! Cut!
DIRECTOR: Nono! Keep filming!
CLOUD: !#$@ You guys!
(Scene continues)
(Escaping from the ShinRa Building, cutscene. Cloud drives down the stairs)
CLOUD: (Vibrating) E-e-e-e I th-ink I'm go-oona pu—uu—ke
(Bike smashes into wall, rolls over, knocks Cloud off, Cloud gets crushed by motorbike by the time they reach the bottom)
DIRECTOR: Why god, why? STUNT DOUBLE?
(Scene with Don Corneo)
DON: Wait? Why do you think I've told you all this?
CLOUD: Er…because you expect to win?
DON: Exactly! (Pulls a switch)
(Trapdoor turns out to be two feet to the left of the party. Don scowls)
DON: God damnit! I'll be in my trailer!
(Near end of disc two. Cloud and Tifa)
TIFA: Sometimes you can express your feelings with actions…
Meanwhile, up in the Highwind…
CID: Get the !$#!@$# camcorder!
BARRET: I'll take da pictures!
DIRECTOR: (Peers over the edge) Er…cut! Guys! Cut and wrap! CUT IT OUT YOU TWO!