Disclaimer: Is the name ParanoiaIn2005 on the bottom of your copy of Harry Potter? I didn't think so.
A/N: I should be working on the fifth chapter of my other fic, but this popped into my head early this morning and couldn't resist writing it. It's pretty much just a lot of Harry angst that you've probably seen lots of before, but like I said- I couldn't resist.
Just so ya' know, even though there is a song running through the course of this fic, it's not actually a songfic. At least, not in the way I define a songfic. I just thought that the lyrics could be like a cool little way to sort of voice the thoughts that both Snape and Harry share in this situation. Isn't it nifty how the lyrics are so perfect for it?? Well, anywho, on witht he fic!
All or Nothing
I hope you can hear this
A song for the way that I feel tonight
We're tired and fearless
And run out of places left to hide
So come along
We're better off dead
If we can't live for something
We're better off dead if we can't live for something. I'm not sure what I've been living for, but it must be something if I'm not dead yet. Maybe it's because she's still alive. In the cell next to mine, I can still hear her labored and faint breathing, and I wonder not for the first time how she can do it. She was here already when Pettigrew and Avery threw me unceremoniously into my 'new home', as they loved to call it. I remember, she was sick even then, no fight left in her. Another prisoner of this Hell for reasons I do not know. What brief glimpse I got of her, she was small and frail- young looking, even. Merlin, if she's still a child...
It's always dark. There is never any sunlight to tell me when it's day and when it's night, but it doesn't matter anyway. I've been here so long, I don't want to know. At the very least, it' been months. They keep me alive to see my pain. They know 've all but given up, and they revel in it. Harry bloody Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, Savior of the Wizarding World has given up. They keep at it, though. They know I haven't given in. Voldemort is saving me for something, I know it. I'm not that stupid. I'd rather die than do anything for him, and if it comes to that, I will. They know it just as well as I do. Unfortunately, so does he.
That git just won't let me die. He can hardly ever get down to me, to her, but when he does he makes sure that we both live to see him come again. He knows I want to die, that we both do, but he presses on. I tried to tell him at first that it was too dangerous, that he would suffer if he were caught, that it's just not worth it for me, but he wouldn't listen. I gave up on that too. So did she. Even being so much worse off than myself, she's just as stubborn, but there's only so much fight in a person. We both reached the end of it, and now we take his water and potions and food without protest. We listen to him whisper small comforts in our ears, promises of seeing home again. Things I never thought could possibly come from the mouth of the cold Potions Master.
I'm in all or nothing
I might be going under
But I'm not going back
This time, all or nothing
Never stop to wonder
No turning back
As he gently wipes cold sweat from my brow, brushes my matted and filthy hair out of my fevered eyes, he tells me to hold on. He's there to help. A change has come over him in the time I've been here. At first, he began to pity me, but as he continued to come, bringing me my life in those tiny vials and bottles, his voice and demeanor were entirely different. He now speaks to me as someone who understand the pain and humiliation I know so well now, someone who may even care. He told me once that at first he did it only for the Light so that the world would still have it's savior, and for Dumbledore simply because he asked it, but it's different now. I think he needed to confess, and that's just what he did in not so many words. He apologized for never seeing me as the child I was, and swore to me that he was in this all or nothing. In too deep to go back, not that it mattered. He said he doesn't want to go back, and for all the animosity and pure hatred in our past, I believe him.
Who knew I'd come to trust my life to Severus Snape? I can just imagine how Ron and Hermione would react if I told them that- Ron especially. They'd look at me as though I'd just declared myself to be Voldemort's brother or some such thing before trying to commit me to St. Mungo's. But just because I trust my life to him doesn't mean the same thing for my freedom. He can keep me alive so long as he himself remains being, but I know that freedom will never come. I won't ever see home again. It's been so long, I can't even remember what colors look like. I remember blue and green and gold, but for the life of me I can't picture them. All I know now is black. Black, and the occasional red when torchlight will leak through in thin strips on the stone floor, falling onto the pools of blood- my blood- that litter it. He keeps telling me that it will happen, though. Damn persistent about it. Says that we'll make it home and I'll get to see colors again. That he's not keeping me alive so that I can only see the darkness of this prison. When did he become so deep? So articulate? So bloody caring?!
I'm all out of reasons
For keeping it all locked up inside
There's no use in waiting
I'm laying it out there on the line
So bring it on
Right or wrong
There's nothing left for me to lose, so
For the longest time I've mostly been sleeping. The only time I awoke was when they'd come to- to do what they do, and I'd keep awake to try and offer what comfort I can to the girl next to me. When Snape came, he would wake me up himself, and put me right back to sleep when he was done because rest helps the healing. At least, that's what he kept saying. Now, though, my fever has gotten dangerously high and I've been living in a haze. I'm guessing that it's been a few days. Im not awake, but I'm certainly not asleep, either. I'm just there- delirious, trembling, panting for breath that won't seem to come, and extremely how and cold at the same time. The Death Eaters come and go, and I'm all but oblivious to it. They don't bother to do anything to me anymore, for fear of accidentally killing me. They've finally realized that letting me be the way I am is the worst they could do. I'd rather they just cast the Cruciatus and be done with it. In the state I'm in, a few seconds would do it. Instead, they stand there and whisper to each other for a while before moving onto her cell. Come to think of it, I haven't heard anything from her cell in quite a while. The silence agonizing and eery. Why can't I hear her breathe?
In and out of the thick haze in my mind for what seems like an eternity. I've opened my eyes again, for reasons I can't fathom when there is nothing for me to see, and my awareness begins to kick in. There is a soft click down the hall and the sound of footsteps approaching. I'd cringe if I had the strength, but I have to settle for making the effort of closing my heavy eyelids.
Closer the footsteps come- long, purposeful strides that seem to be anxiously slow and carefully measured. Almost soft, as if dreading what they were about to face down in these dungeons. The closer they get, the more I recognize them. Snape. Why can't he just leave me alone? There's nothing left to save, Professor...
The dungeon door creaks open and he strides in to kneel down beside me, the breeze from his robes making me shiver and realize that my face is wet. Merlin, I've been crying. I still am. I've been crying, and I didn't even know it... Strangely, I'm not disgusted that Snape of all people is seeing me this way. In fact, his presence makes me cry all the harder. It's comforting and warm, and I know that he would never use it against me. Not now. After all he's done for me, I know that he won't mock me with it, call me weak, tell me to buck up and be a man. Yet, I am still surprised when I feel his rough and calloused hands, worn from years of potion making, gently wipe away the offending tears.
"I know, Harry. It's alright..." he whispers ever so softly next to my ear. "It's time. I told you this day would come- I promised you, and I am a man of my word. It's time to go, Harry. You just need to be strong for a little while longer. Just a little while, and it will be over. There is nothing left to lose anymore." I just lay there as he lifts my head up and tips vial after vial of potions to my lips, whispering to me in the darkness. I know what he's saying, but my tired brain can't full comprehend it. We're going? Is that what he's trying to say? But- but that's not possible...
"I'm sorry I have to do this, but it's the only way. This will hurt no matter how careful I am, but I will try to spare you as much pain as possible. Just be prepared. Do you understand?" He asks. His voice is so strained, so anxious and... concerned? ...that my heart pounds even harder in my chest. I try to nod my head, but I'm too weak. It moves barely a fraction of an inch, but apparently it's enough. Slowly, he places one hand in the middle of my back, another behind my knees, and lifts me as though I weigh nothing. As he cradles me to his chest, I remember just how much it hurts to move. It's been so long since I could do anything but lie still on the ground, I'm amazed at the intensity of it, and nearly pass out.
Gradually, the pain fades nearly back to what it had been, and I lean fully into the warmth my teacher is radiating. As I do so, he holds me a bit tighter, and I realize that we're moving. Vaguely, I wonder why the girl is not with us, but I clamp down on that thought before I can get too far with it, knowing what the answer will be. She shouldn't have been there...
Through winding tunnels, up and down slopes and stairs we go, professor Snape whispering reassurances in my ear the entire way. Telling me how everyone will be so relieved to see me again. The past year has seemed like eternity, even to him. A year?! That's all...? I have no excuse for not taking his Advanced Potions class and becoming an Auror like I'd wanted to so badly before I ended up here. I'm needed by more people than I'll ever know- does he mean himself? And the most surprising of all- Sirius would be proud. My parents wold be proud. Merlin, I must be worse off than I thought if I'm having such wild halucinations... But no. He meant it. He reassures me that they would proud I was so strong and brave. Someone under polyjuice, maybe... That he's really proud of me and I'd better start believing all this because he'll remind me every day at Hogwarts. He must be saying all this just so I won't die on him...
I'm in, all or nothing
I might be going under
But I'm not going back
This time, all or nothing
Never stop to wonder
No turning back
All the way through the maze of tunnels and stairways, I still continue crying. It is a different kind of release than back in the cell, though. It is almost one of... relief, maybe? Happiness that he came for me after all, no matter the danger to himself? Whatever it is, I welcome it, knowing that this is really the end.
I can feel Professor Snape's heart pounding furiously against the side of my face, and it's really rather comforting. It's rhythm is relaxing my weary body despite every jolt and jostle he can't help as he runs along, and as we tear out of the stone corridors and into the night- but Gods, have I missed fresh air and being outside...- I realize that with this one singular act, he's delivering both of us from Voldemort. This act of betrayal will undoubtedly mark the end of his career as a spy, and he'll no longer have to risk his own life for a cause that would never have known it.
That thought makes me smile for the first time in a year, and even though he tells me we have to take a portkey back, though I do shudder a bit at the thought, my eyes slip closed and I fall asleep truly happy.
So come along
We're better off living like
It's all that we've got
I'm in, all or nothing
I might be going under
But I'm not going back
This time, all or nothing
Never stop to wonder
No turning back
All or Nothing, by Lit
A/N: So, how was it? Hhmmm... It came out a lot different than I had thought it would, and I'm not sure if I really like it. But, it's your opinion that matters. The button is just down at the bottom of the page. You know what to do. winks