Warnings: Extensive nightmare descriptions, a bit of body horror, implicit and brief sexual content, potentially triggering content for people with arachnophobia.
Arthur was running away. From what exactly, he wasn't sure. In the back of his mind, he knew that myriads of hungry, glowing eyes were following him. He panted as he ran as fast as his feet could go.
The low, bony branches scratched his skin like sharp claws, leaving red trails on his body, and high roots seemed intent on making him stumble and fall. Arthur felt like the forest had a soul of its own and tried as hard as it could to slow him down and hand him over to the monstrous beasts hounding him. But he wouldn't be caught by those dreadful things following him through the woods, even though the forest seemed to grow thicker and darker with every stride he took – this was the thought that gave him the determination to keep going despite the shortness of his breath and the ache of his legs.
Despite the burning of his lungs in the cold winter air, he ran faster and faster. Even when he started to sink in the damp mud, even when the forest itself seemed intent on swallowing him, he forced his feet to carry him farther away. He couldn't give up. Hot tears of panic and anger streamed down his cheeks, despair rose in his heart and blocked his throat, but he continued to run. There was no exit, this forest was endless, and Arthur knew he was lost. But he didn't allo
w himself to give up, he couldn't afford to even take a break.
There was no choice. He didn't want to die. He refused to even think about it.
If the monsters should catch him, Arthur wanted to know that he did all that was in his power to save his own life before closing his eyes for eternity. He wanted to be proud of himself as he took his last breath. And so, he kept on frantically moving his legs. Going forward, always forward, without looking at the demons lurking behind every tree, whispering threats in a language Arthur didn't know but could still understand.
However, the time came when Arthur's knees buckled, and he fell face first on the muddy ground. His eyes widened with fright, as he knew what would happen to him. No escape was possible now. He was small, lost and vulnerable. So vulnerable. And scared.
Mud in his mouth and nostrils prevented him from breathing properly, choking him with the taste of humus and the heady scent of the earth. A scream came out of his gaping mouth. It was wild, primal, desperate. Arthur knew the lurking shadows had caught up with him and soon, they would enclose him in their unforgiving arms, and mercilessly claw at his skin until nothing more than bones remained. Until he was but a useless skeleton left to roam in the space between the worlds. The taste of iron and bile invaded his mouth, he couldn't swallow his thick saliva. The stench of blood rose to his head, making his vison blurry and his thoughts confused. This was the end. A shrill noise suddenly pierced his ears, hammering through his skull.
Arthur opened his eyes but all he could see was black nothingness. He frantically looked around him, trying to discover where he was. His breath was short and loud, reverberating in the external silence as the repetitive, high-pitched sound kept ringing in his skull. There was a small light on his left side, coming from a screen. It was a phone, his phone, ringing furiously to extricate him from the depths of sleep.
Arthur turned up the light and looked around, trying to steady his erratic heart. He was in his room, and everything seemed normal. It was only another one of those dreadful nights from which he woke up with the feeling of not having slept at all. He felt old and tired, as if he had run a marathon in those four hours of tormented sleep. And he hated it.
Arthur was walking down a little street, under the sun that shone in the bright blue sky. It was a beautiful day, like there were only a few in autumn. Despite the strong wind making fallen leaves fly in an orange-brown swirl, it was warm enough to take a comfortable stroll through the city. However, Arthur wasn't in the right state of mind to properly enjoy such a lovely afternoon.
During the day, dark thoughts were plaguing his mind and as soon as he closed his eyes to sleep, nightmares assailed him. It had been days since he last slept more than a couple of hours and he was starting to feel it. Fleeting thoughts, too fast for him to catch them, were running endlessly through his head, making him want to hit his skull against a wall until he finally lost consciousness.
Arthur was a serious man, and as such, he just carried on with his daily routine, without according himself any time to think or breathe. He made a point to ignore his tiredness, to put a fake smile on his face in order to hide the dark circles under his eyes and the wrinkles that had appeared on his forehead. Still, he couldn't help the eternal deep frown that knitted his brows.
Arthur was scared, but he preferred telling himself that he was only slightly worried. The voice in the back of his head told him he was slowly but surely losing his mind, but Arthur constantly replied that he was only a bit tired and maybe slightly burnt out. Certainly, he wasn't the only one who sometimes saw things that didn't really exist. They weren't hallucinations, it was only Arthur's mind playing tricks on him. All he needed was a little bit of sleep and everything would be alright.
As Arthur was lost in his thoughts, he crashed into a young man. His eyes were as blue as the sky, brightened by the joyful smile he wore on his full lips. He extended a hand to help Arthur get up from where he fell on the pavement, which caused a blush to creep on the Englishman's cheeks. He was embarrassed by this situation, certainly, but he also had to admit, if only to himself, that he found the young stranger rather attractive. As he took the hand offered to him, Arthur couldn't help noticing the smoothness of the tanned skin.
As he finally got back on his feet, Arthur remembered he was supposed to apologise in such situations.
"I… hum… Thank you for your help." Arthur stumbled on every word, internally berating himself for being such a fool. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I wasn't paying attention, I'm sorry. I was lost in my thoughts and didn't realise I was going to… you know, bump into you…" Arthur laughed and looked down to hide his burning face.
The man took advantage of the short break in Arthur's words to speak.
"You don't look very well. Pale face, dark circles under your eyes, dull irises… I'd say you lack sleep." He looked at Arthur with a benevolent smile, but he stared at the green-eyed man with cold scientific interest. "I think you could use some help." He said, putting his business card in Arthur's hand.
"Thank you" He said without even looking at the piece of paper. "And, hum, sorry for the inconvenience. I'll let you go on with your day!" Arthur quickly said before running away without giving the blue-eyed man any time to reply.
Even after he ran away from the embarrassing encounter, the young man's eyes and his charming smile kept haunting Arthur. He couldn't forget those blue irises, deeper than the ocean, piercing through his soul as if their owner knew all of Arthur's secrets.
He dreamt about those eyes, distorted by fear and darkness. The glimmer of happiness Arthur had seen in them on that sunny day had been replaced by mischief. They frightened him. Under the man's intense stare, he felt naked, vulnerable. Weak. Like a mall insect under the light of microscope, waiting to be dissected.
The light was blinding him, piercing through his forehead, making him completely unable to move and forcing him to close his eyes. He opened them again when the blinding glow had finally dimmed to find himself in a tiny, dark room, surrounded by four mirror-covered walls. Arthur frantically turned around, trying to find an exit, but he was only met with his own reflection.
His head started to spin, and he felt the urge to throw up. He couldn't stand on his wobbling legs and was soon forced to kneel on the cold white marble floor. Taking quick, shallow breaths, Arthur tried to think. However, his head was full of fleeting thoughts, conflicting, fighting each other to gain his attention. He couldn't concentrate, not with all that noise inside his skull, this loud ringing in his ears and the dark laugh echoing in his brain. He was losing his mind.
The day had come when he couldn't control his thoughts anymore. Suddenly, he got an impulse to raise his gaze and stare at his reflexion, and what he saw in the mirror took his breath away. He was there, crouched on the ground, livid and bony. This wasn't his body, it was simply impossible, this wasn't him.
A few seconds ago, his body was still perfectly normal, he couldn't have changed so drastically in so little time. Arthur repeated the sentences in his head to convince himself that what was in front of him wasn't true, but when his hand touched his leg, there was only skin-covered bones. When he raised his shirt, he noticed with horror that he could distinctly see his ribs under the paper-like skin. Tears were now running down his hollow cheeks, warm under the coldness of his body.
He wiped the place just below his eyes, and when he looked at is fingers, they were covered in red stains. Red tears. His face was covered in salty blood. Arthur wanted to scream, but no sound came out, he couldn't even breathe properly now. Suffocating in the cramped space that let him no respite. He was surrounded by the reflexion of his agony. In despair and exasperation, Arthur pulled at his blond locks until he ripped them off. Fair hair stuck to his sticky fingers as he tried to throw it away. He repetitively hit the ground with his fists until the bones broke with an awful sound. It hurt so much that it blinded Arthur.
The poor man lay on the ground in a foetal position, weeping silently. This was only a nightmare, he wasn't really dying, his body wasn't slowly decomposing. This whole situation was completely absurd. Finding what was left of his resolve, he got up, determined to find an exit. He scratched at the mirror, hoping to find a way out in the spaces between two mirrors. But all he succeeded to do was loose fingernails. They got stuck in the glassy surface or fell on the mirror-like floor. His fingers bled, which added more pain to his already wounded hands. Despite the physical ache, he kept relentlessly scratching at the mirror, leaving thick red lines on the cold surface. No way out, there was no way out, never. He was dying alone in this place.
When he raised his head, Arthur caught sight of the microscope looking right at him. He was trapped, a simple toy for a mad scientist. This was the end. His body was going to slowly digest itself under the impassive stare of a researcher. Arthur screamed. He was human, he had rights, he couldn't be treated that way. The light intensified again forcing Arthur to close his eyes once more.
Arthur sat up, erratically looking around him as he reopened his eyelids, in an attempt to find out where he was. He felt damp bedsheets around his waist, a soft surface under his ass and legs and as he turned his head, he noticed the blue sky outside his window. He had forgotten to close the blinds the previous night, again. He fell back on the mattress and lay his head on the comfortable pillows. And he stayed there a long time, looking aimlessly at the white ceiling. When he turned his head to look at the clock, a small card caught his attention. It was white with dark blue printed words on it. It simply said 'dr. Alfred F. Jones, medical institute for hypnotherapy'. Maybe Arthur would give this man a call. He had nothing to lose at this point anyway.
That afternoon, Arthur stepped into the research centre. He didn't have to wait long in the waiting room for Alfred to arrive. The man still had the same charming smile that reassured Arthur as soon as he saw it. It was completely irrational to be reassured by a smile from a man he didn't even really know. Yet, there was something so honest in that youthful face, in those eyes and smile.
Arthur followed the doctor in a white room, furnished with a desk with two chairs and two black armchairs facing each other. The wide window let the clear daylight penetrate. The wooden floor gave the room a homey and familiar feel. Arthur had to admit he felt at ease in this atmosphere. So much that it almost loosened his eternal frown.
The Englishman was still slightly anxious about what would happen, he didn't exactly know what this therapy would consist in. He hated not knowing, not being in complete control of the situation.
Alfred guided him to one of the chairs at his desk and took place on the other side of the table. From a drawer he took a document and asked Arthur to read the papers before signing them. Arthur quickly glanced through the sheets and signed in all the places where it was required, always under the vigilant blue eyes of the hypnotherapist. Then, Alfred guided Arthur to one of the armchairs and instructed him to sit down in the most comfortable position.
"We can begin the session then, if you're ready and don't have any other question, Mister Kirkland," said Alfred in a calm and low voice. "Please, close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose. That's good. Relax, let go of all your problems. Nothing can reach you but the sound of my voice."
Alfred intently stared at Arthur as the man tried to ease the tension in his muscles. He would probably need more time and some help to become completely serene.
"Feel how your feet are anchored in the floor, their heaviness, the sensation of your shoes around your feet. The muscles of your legs are getting heavier and relaxed, there is no tension in them anymore. The armchair under your thighs and behind your back is soft, you feel your body sinking in the leather. You feel safe and comfortable. Now feel the tranquillity travel up your spine, undoing all the knots caused by stress in your spine as it goes. You can breathe even deeper now that the tension in your back subsides, you feel like the weight obstructing your lungs is gone. Release the tension in your shoulders, that's good, now let it go up to you neck. Your head is heavy, you feel its weight against the comfort of the armchair. Let all your stressful thoughts go, focus exclusively on my voice. Your arms are getting heavier too as the muscles lose their tension, you feel the texture of your shirt against your skin, it is soft, like a fluffy cover, all over your chest. Feel the chair under the palm your hands, the softness and the slight roughness of the leather under your fingertips." Alfred smiled slightly at seeing the green-eyed man's frown loosen on his forehead, it looked as if he was asleep, without any tension in his body, taking deep, regular breaths. He was gorgeous.
Alfred shook his head, this wasn't the moment to have such thoughts about a patient, he had to stay focused and professional. Even though he had to admit the sight of Arthur didn't make that task easy.
"That's good, I can see how relaxed you are. Keep taking deep breaths. Now I need you to imagine a peaceful landscape, anything, anywhere. A place you feel safe and comfortable. A place where you can release all the stress and frustration of your bad days." Alfred stopped talking for a few seconds, giving Arthur some time to imagine that safe place. After a quiet moment, he continued, "In this peaceful place, there's an object or an animal you love. It helps you feel calm, it takes all the distress, the anger, the fear and the sadness you have in you and it replaces it with love, serenity and joy. This is your safe place, there are only things you love in here. The outside world can't reach you while you're there. You have nothing to fear, and you can stay there for as long as you'd like. Being there makes you feel stronger and calmer, and when you'll go back to the outside world, you'll take that strength and tranquillity with you."
Alfred took some time to admire Arthur while he was still in this blissful place. The small smile that had crept on his lips told Alfred that he was enjoying this moment and Alfred was enjoying the sight. He could feel his heart speed up a little every time his eyes stayed a bit too long on his patient.
"Take your time to enjoy this moment, and when you feel ready, you can slowly open your eyes."
Arthur blinked a few times, he felt more rested after this short session than after hours of sleep.
Alfred looked at Arthur with a patient smile and observant eyes. "How do you feel?" he asked when Arthur seemed to have regained full consciousness of his surroundings.
"I feel… good. Rested, as if I had slept for eight hours. I haven't felt this calm in years." Arthur said with a mix of satisfaction and disbelief. He couldn't understand how a man who was usually so loud could suddenly speak so calmly, with a rich and suave voice. It felt like honey or thick velvet to his ears. He could listen to it for hours.
Arthur had fixed an appointment with Doctor Jones for the next week, but as the vibrant lights of sunset let place to a dark blue, almost black, sky, Arthur wondered how he would get through those seven days. Already, apprehension created knots in his stomach, there was a pounding in his head and his eyes burnt and watered. He was tired, there was no way to deny it. However, despite what the doctor had told him during their session, Arthur didn't feel any tranquillity nor strength. He felt like a small raft lost in the middle of a hostile sea. He looked at the sky only to see it darken under heavy, grey, threatening clouds, promising an inexorable storm for the night.
There was no way out, he was trapped among the high waves, already feeling water creep down his throat and into his lungs. There was no escape in this unforgiving world and Arthur was alone, defenceless against the elements.
Arthur fell on his carpet, kneeling on the soft ground with his head in his hands. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably, and tears ran down his reddened cheeks. He got up with difficulty and went to the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea to calm his nerves. Sitting down at the dining table, he watched the kettle as the water boiled. The familiarity of the situation appeased him. It was routine, and however boring it might seem, it made him feel safe. He fit into this small universe, sheltered from any aggression from the world. Here, in his kitchen, holding a cup of tea and having a slice of cake in front of him, he was in control.
Arthur wasn't brave, he wasn't strong. He didn't want to be either. He had accepted the fact that he was full of insecurities and irrational fears. It didn't matter, it wouldn't matter if he could just close his eyes and sleep for eight hours without being haunted by night terrors.
Alfred was woken up by the insistent ringing of his telephone. The damn thing wouldn't let him go back to the bliss of sleep. With a groan his took his cell phone from the bedside table and took it without looking who was calling him at this ungodly hour.
"Doctor Jones! Thank God you replied!"
The voice on the telephone sounded distressed and disoriented. Not unlike that of a child who just woke up from a terrible nightmare and sought the reassuring embrace of his parents.
"Arthur?!" Alfred couldn't even believe his ears. He didn't know what to feel anymore. Of course, he was still upset at being called so late at night, but the fact that it was Arthur, well, Mister Kirkland, somehow made it better.
At this exact moment, Alfred realised he had called Arthur, a man he barely knew, by his first name. He felt his cheeks redden and was grateful for the fact that he was alone in the dark at that moment.
Arthur, however, seemed too panicked to notice that detail. "I'm so sorry, I know it's late. But I needed to hear your voice… I…"
Alfred could tell the man was hyperventilating and probably crying too. He felt a pang in his heart at hearing such a distressed voice. He imagined Arthur alone in his dark room, bedsheets wet with sweat gathered around his waist. He could almost see the red cheeks, blurry, wet eyes, dishevelled hair. He wanted to be there, at Arthur's side. He wanted to be able to take the man into his arms and whisper reassuring words to his ear as he tried to prevent him from shaking. He had only seen Arthur twice, and yet he already felt so close to him. Alfred might not have been able to take the distraught man into his arms, but he still had a telephone to whisper reassuringly into his ear.
"Arthur," he said in a firm but soothing voice. "I need you to focus on my voice. Go make yourself a cup of tea or anything you like to drink. Something to help you calm your nerves. Then go back to your room and lie down in bed." Alfred waited as Arthur followed his instructions.
"It's done, doctor." Arthur's shaky reply came after a few minutes.
"Call me Alfred, at least for now. Please." Alfred didn't know what took him, it was highly unprofessional, he was completely breaking the doctor-patient barrier with Arthur. Still, he wanted both of them to feel comfortable around each other. That was all, there was no other reason behind this. "Now close your eyes Arthur, breathe deeply. Listen to me, focus on my voice. You are still in control Arthur. Your nightmares can't reach you, they only exist in your head, you still have power against them. There's no danger, you are safe. If you feel scared during the night, don't forget you can still reach your safe place anytime you need to. You just have to think of a door and push it, enter in this safe place. Do it with me, now. Focus on my voice and do what I say, it will all get better. You are stronger than those images in your head, they can't materialise, they can't hurt you. Now, get in your safe place. You feel all the fear leave your body and mind, you are comfortable and safe. There's no threat here, you are in control. You feel peacefulness and serenity. Remember that you can stay here for as long as you want, and when you'll feel ready, open your eyes. Your calming drink will be waiting for you just beside your bed." Alfred stopped talking for a few seconds and then, on impulse, he added "and I'll be waiting for you to go back to sleep."
They had established a little ritual. Every night, Arthur would call Alfred before going to sleep and talk to him. Sometimes it was just a casual conversation, as if they were nothing more than two old friends. Sometimes it was a session of hypnosis to help Arthur calm his apprehension of the night and the terrible nightmares it would bring. Sometimes their conversation turned more personal and they even flirted once or twice.
Alfred loved those short moments of proximity with Arthur, and Arthur must have liked them too since he kept calling every evening. Arthur's nights were less tormented, sometimes he even slept six hours without any nightmare and, yet, as time went by, both men needed more and more time together. They called each other in the morning before work, sometimes at lunch and each evening their calls got longer.
Until one evening, Arthur made a proposition Alfred was too weak to deny.
"Alfred, come to my place. I need you here, now. I can't spend one more second without you. Your voice isn't enough."
There was such an intense longing in his tone, a longing that Alfred felt too. He too wanted to have the other's body against his, to feel his warm skin under his fingertips, to feel his warm breath, to drink his words and moans. He wanted to possess Arthur and to be possessed by him. completely. This was the first night they spent together, but it was far from being the last.
From that day on, almost each night was spent together in each other's arms. Arthur was reassured by Alfred's presence, he felt safe in those strong arms, with his head laid on that muscular chest. Alfred was his safe place, he didn't need anything else.
Alfred smelt like warm cocoa on a winter evening, like freshly washed sheets, like a pine forest in autumn. Alfred smelt like home. Alfred's hugs were comfortable and warm like a duvet. Alfred's arms were the cocoon that protected him from that outside world and sheltered him from the terrible nightmares that played behind his closed eyelids. Alfred's voice was soothing, like warm milk with honey. He always knew the right words to calm Arthur. He spoke in a calm tone as his hand stroked Arthur's tousled hair. Alfred was perfect. Alfred was home. It didn't keep him from having nightmares though.
One night, Arthur had one of those awful dreams. He was trapped in a dark room, there was no window, no door, no way out. He wanted to scream, to ask for help, but no sound came out of his open mouth. He felt like there was something down his throat, preventing him from even breathing. When he coughed to get that thing out, a big spider cam out, covered in blood and saliva.
The arachnid was disgusting, its hairy legs moving slowly, its numerous eyes glowing in the dark. Soon Arthur felt more creatures creeping up his throat, walking out of his mouth. Progressively more and more spiders got out of his mouth and then they got through his nose too. They covered his whole face, forcing him to close his eyes. He felt their thin legs all over his body, walking slowly across his skin, until there were too many arachnids on him for them to move at all. Then they started walking on each other, traveling on his body, enveloping him in cobweb.
It was disgusting, frightening. Arthur felt his heart speed up as spiders crawled under his cloths, reaching the most intimate parts of his body. Bile flooded his mouth, but he didn't dare open his lips to let it out, not with so many spiders on his face. Every expense of skin was covered with spiders. Those awful, disgusting animals. Black spiders, with their eight hairy legs and their eight glowing eyes, weaving their web around him. He was trapped, they were going to eat him. dissolve his entrails with their acidic saliva and drink him from the inside. Perhaps they would even lay eggs under his skin.
He couldn't breathe through his mouth because he didn't want to open it, couldn't breathe through his nose because some of those filthy creatures were still in his nostrils. He was going to die, die alone, in pain, suffocating under the weight of hundreds of spiders, those creatures he hated and feared the most.
He was panicking, but who could blame him. Who wouldn't panic in such a situation? Arthur fainted, from lack of air, from his heart stopping to beat, he didn't know.
When he woke up, he was glad to feel Alfred's chest against his back. He sat up and looked for any spider under his pillow – a habit he had taken when he was younger. Then, he ran his hands all over his body, trying to chase away the feeling of those legs on his skin. Every time his hair brushed his face made him jump and touch the place where he had felt the sensation.
Alfred steady breath didn't help him, so he turned around and sought the comfort of his arms. Moving around so much, he ended up waking Alfred up. With his eyes filled with concern, he took Arthur's cheek in his palm and forced the older man to look at him.
"Shhh," he whispered. "It's only a bad dream. I'm here now, you don't have anything to fear now. Come closer babe. Close your eyes and breathe. It's okay." His words were slightly slurred by sleep, but his voice still calmed Arthur's beating heart.
"Thank you, Al." Arthur simply murmured, getting comfortable between his boyfriend's arms and going back to sleep.
During the next weeks, Arthur had less and less nightmares. Alfred and he progressively grew closer and after a few months, they almost lived together. Their lives were quiet, they were happy together. Arthur was sleeping a lot better with Alfred's warmth beside him, he wasn't afraid of the night anymore because he knew that with Alfred he could dream again. Alfred felt happier than ever before, having found the love of his life, he felt complete now, Arthur had filled that empty spot in his heart and in his life. It was heaven. Everything was perfect, from the intense sex they had at night to the lazy kisses they shared in the morning. However, perfection can't last forever, not on Earth in the real world. All good things have an end, and Alfred would learn it the hard way.
One Saturday morning they were in bed together, basking in each other's embrace. This was one of those perfect mornings on which none of them had any appointment, no obligation, no one waiting for them. They could just stay together and enjoy those fleeting hours of happiness. The weekend always went by too fast. Arthur got up, feeling thirsty and asked Alfred if he wanted anything from the kitchen before leaving the room. Alfred closed his eyes feeling so satisfied of his life at this exact moment. He couldn't wish for a better life, for a better lover. Everything was just as it was supposed to be. Only, when Arthur came back into the room, his scowl had deepened, his cheeks were red with anger and his green eyes looked thunderous. He firmly held a magazine in one of his hands, pointing an accusing finger at his lover with the other.
"Would you please explain to me what this means!" He seethed, opening the magazine on a certain page that he showed to Alfred. "Doctor Alfred F. Jones will soon be able to publish his research on hypnosis to help sleeping disorders? What's this research, you never told me about it? Was I just another one of your test subjects? And how come I didn't know about it, heh?" Arthur was screaming at a lost-looking Alfred.
"Art, please calm down." Alfred tried, only to receive Arthur's wrath.
"Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down? You lied to me, you hid all that to me! How long did you intend to hide the truth from me? How long? You're going to leave me now that you don't need me for your research anymore, won't you?" Arthur asked, letting the magazine fall to his feet. When Alfred didn't immediately answer, his anger flared up. "Say something! Anything! Tell me I'm wrong, or say sorry, I don't know, anything. Don't look at me like that, speak, you coward!" Arthur shouted before falling on his knees, tears streaming down his face. When he felt Alfred's strong arms around his shoulder, he couldn't resist the temptation of burying his face in his chest.
"Art, you have to listen to me, please. Please, trust me." Alfred pleaded with tears in his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you, I never, never meant to trick you or anything. I swear Arthur. I love you, I need you in my life, can't live without you." A sob escaped his lips as his fingers got tangled in Arthur's blond hair. "The research was mentioned in the file you signed. It's true that I should have talked about it more explicitly at the time. I should have explained all the implications it had, but you were supposed to have read it, and since you didn't have any question, I just didn't talk more about it. I admit I shouldn't have done this, it wasn't very ethical. I am guilty on that account. But I desperately needed to see you again, and I was so afraid that you wouldn't agree to have those sessions with me if I told you that they would serve for my research, I was too afraid to lose you." Alfred took a break, he felt his voice wavering, threatening to break if he said one more word.
Arthur took this opportunity to raise his head and look into his eyes. "But when you gave me your card, you clearly had the intention to use me as a test subject, didn't you?" he asked accusingly.
"Yes, it's true." Alfred admitted. "You looked so distraught, you clearly needed help. So, I thought 'why not helping him and use the results for my research? It would be a win-win situation'. By signing the documents, you agreed on this, and the results are anonymised anyway. There was nothing wrong with doing that. It's true that I should have spoken about it with you more clearly, but as I said, I was scared of losing you, of never having the opportunity to see you ever again. I'm sorry if my actions hurt you, my dear." Alfred kissed Arthur's forehead. "And I swear that all that happened between us had nothing to do with my work. I promise you Arthur, my love for you is real. What we have is real, trust me please." He looked into Arthur's sceptic eyes and sighed. "I didn't use your data in my report. I couldn't after all we lived together. I couldn't be your therapist anymore, I don't have the required distance and objectivity. Why do you think we haven't had any session at the medical institute for so long? Now we are involved too personally. I don't regret any of this, don't misinterpret my words, this is the best thing that could have happened. But I can't be your therapist anymore and I can't use any data I got from our sessions, it wouldn't be correct ethically. I hope you'll forgive me."
Alfred stopped talking, he had said everything he had to say. He started biting his lower lip in apprehension. Now it was up to Arthur to take a decision. If he wanted, he could put an end to their relationship right now. Alfred would be broken, but he wouldn't resent Arthur. The silence was heavy between them, despite their tight embrace, Alfred felt like a whole ocean separated them.
Arthur laughed lightly.
"It's a good thing I didn't need your services anymore then, doctor Jones." He said the words in a flat voice, his face emotionless. When he saw how Alfred's face decomposed, he gently took his cheeks in his hands and kissed his forehead, his nose and then his cheeks. A playful smile crept on his thin lips. "I love you, idiot. I'm sorry, I was so afraid all of this was fake, that it was all just for the sake of your research. I was afraid you had used me to advance in your career. I realise how stupid I've been." He kissed his boyfriend's lips before continuing. "I should have just talked to you about it, instead of starting to shout like I did." The dark blush that covered his face caused Alfred to chuckle and kiss his lover. "I love you so much, Alfred. I love you."
They shared a deep kiss. It tasted like salt from their tears and like iron from Alfred's torn lip. It was clumsy. It was a kiss marked by urgency, but it was passionate. It was a kiss of love, joy and forgiveness. From this moment on, they knew that whatever happened to any of them, they would be there for each other, and things would always get better.