by Aditu
Mercurial. The Spectre repeated the name in their head. Mercurial.
It was their name, at least now. They were afraid they'd forget the name one day, as they had already forgotten everything about themself. They weren't really sure if it was their real name but it had been in their head when nothing else had remained from their life. No memory of anything. They were a spectre. The Spectre because they were the strongest of all, but still a spectre. Only half present in life with a body and forever on the search for themself, for what they had been before and why they had become a spectre.
They thought they were searching forever now, couldn't remember ever doing anything else. But they forgot a lot, sometimes not even knowing what they had done the previous day.
If they could only find something, the tiniest shred from their past life, their memory might return. They hoped then they would remember everything.
Of course nothing would give them back their former body, whatever it had been, but they didn't want a different body anyway, didn't need one. They only wanted to remember.
…
When the Spectre woke up, nothing was left. The name was gone, too. Until this moment they had been different from the other spectres, being the only one with a real name, but now they were just like them. The Spectre stared at the sky above them, bright blue in the late morning, no cloud disrupting the perfect expanse. They tried to remember but it was all gone. A huge emptiness remained and the Spectre felt lost. They had always been alone but had never felt lonely like they did now. Like they had lost themself.
But since they had, the feeling was a logical consequence.
They wandered over the hills aimlessly. There was no place they wanted to go, so they just kept walking. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
…
"Hello Spectre." A beautiful dark spirit had addressed the Spectre. They looked at the creature, examined her and tried desperately to remember who this was. They thought they knew her but didn't know from where, or when, or even who it was.
The spirit approached them, not really smiling but with a hint of delight on her features. Her eyes were completely red and underneath black stains marked her cheeks, as if from tears. The marks seemed to be permanent, so maybe they were just a reminder from the spirits past. Her white hair flowed around her head, even though there was no wind, and it glowed slightly. Her skin was purple, or blue, or something in-between, and remains of wings, a few dark feathers, sprouted from her back. Only a few scraps of cloth covered her body, the Spectre wouldn't even call them 'clothes'. They clung to her skin as if they were stuck there.
She was a very beautiful spirit and the Spectre appreciated beautiful things.
The Spectre stilled. This thought, they had thought it before, the exact same thing. The first memory returned in a rush, including their name!
Mercurial. The Spectre repeated the name in their head. Mercurial.
Mercurial. They looked at the man in front of them, an old human who sold lots of stuff, weapons, armour but also potions. The Spectre took a few things they needed. They'd come back later when they had gained more gold.
The Spectre was currently in a town war, still in the few minutes before the actual battles would begin. Town wars were a blessing. They consisted in a different part of the world, were only loosely connected through some kind of teleportation platforms. But because they were apart from the world like that, Mercurial was free of the urge to find herself here. Was free of almost every bodily discomfort. Of course they were still a spectre here but they were more like any other spectre, just a creature. Just one hero who fought for a town.
While they were here they felt almost free. Of course they wanted to find themself but they had been searching for centuries now and they were tired. They had been taking part in more and more town wars over the last years. They weren't giving up their quest in the real world but they had found nothing. Centuries long they had found nothing. They supposed it wasn't long before they'd stop searching entirely.
They didn't know what would happen then. Would they forget their name then? Would they become a spectre like any other spectre? Would they be truly lost then? They didn't know and they were afraid of it.
Well, at the moment it didn't matter. They were in a town war and everything else could wait. Mercurial took a look at their allies, four other heroes who came from the real world like them. All for their own reasons taking part in a town war.
A female appeared next to the Spectre, closely followed by a male. Mercurial had seen both in a town war before. They had done so many wars they knew almost every hero who came here on a regular basis.
"Shendel, I love you!" The voice of the male, the Skywrath Mage, was pleading. He sounded almost desperate. But the female, the Vengeful Spirit, didn't care.
"Go away. I don't have time for stuff like that. And I don't care. Be glad my vengeance doesn't include you at the moment and leave me alone." She ignored him as she browsed through the wares of the merchant.
The Mage bit his lip. Then he reached out for the female. Before his hand touched her shoulder he stopped, then pulled back. "I can't." Pain clearly audible in every word he said. "I love you with everything I have. I'm nothing without you." He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead and took a deep breath. "I won't give up on you." Then he left the safe zone and headed out for the battles soon to start.
Mercurial watched him go, watched how the Vengeful Spirit closed her eyes, her hands trembling slightly as she reached for an item from the merchant. There was clearly a long story behind this encounter and the Spectre was strangely curious. Maybe it was because they couldn't remember their past that they liked to hear about others'. This seemed to be a tragic one and they wondered what might have happened. The Vengeful, she definitely cared more about the Skywrath than she admitted.
Was her vengeance, as she had said, more important to her then the male? Obviously. But why?
There was no time to think about this now, no time to ask the Vengeful Spirit, because the war would start, and soon. They had to get to their places but since Mercurial would be accompanied by the Spirit, maybe they could ask the female later. They weren't sure they'd get an answer because as the Spirit turned away from the merchant she looked fierce and untouchable. Her hands had stopped trembling and her red eyes were almost burning from inside. Her white hair stood in stark contrast to her blue skin and her dark clothes. Not that she was wearing much, but as a spirit she probably didn't need armour or anything to protect her body. A few long feathers protruded from her back, probably the remains from the wings she'd had and definitely not enough to fly with. She must've been a skywrath, like the Mage. How did one become a spirit, and one seeking only vengeance, when one had been a skywrath before?
She was a beautiful spirit and the Spectre appreciated beautiful things.
…
"How nice to meet you here. I didn't think I'd find you this far out. How have you been? Doing some more town wars without me?"
The Spectre hesitated. Had they been friends? They remembered what a town war was, but not if the two of them had taken part in more than one together.
They didn't remember why they had taken part in one to begin with. The town wars had no goal, fighting in one gained them nothing in the real life. But maybe they had known that before they had joined and that had been the reason they had taken part in it. "I…" they stared at the Spirit, unsure if they should tell her the truth. Since there was nothing to lose from it, they decided to do so. "I don't remember anything. Just, that we met, once."
Now the Vengeful frowned a little and cocked her head to the side. "We met more than once." The frown deepened. "Yet you told me this could happen." Long moments passed in silence, the Spectre not knowing what to say and the Spirit obviously lost in her thoughts. Then she smiled. "Come with me, it doesn't matter if you remember anything. You said once that you liked me, so we could just spend some time together. It has been rather boring without you and Dragonus has been persistent as ever."
They didn't know who Dragonus was but the thought of going with this beautiful spirit made Mercurial strangely happy. They nodded. "I'd very much like to join you. Where are you headed?"
"Nowhere in particular." A shrug. "I had hoped to find you here. I wanted to get away from everything and everyone for a while and around you I always felt calm. So…." Another shrug. "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't remember any places. I think I have been wandering these hills in circles for quite a while now. Just getting away would be nice. Have…" They desperately tried to remember but there was nothing. "…have we been friends?"
"We are friends." Another smile. "Spectre and spirit. How fitting, Dragonus said. Come."
Mercurial floated next to the Vengeful Spirit, who led them down the hill and into a forest. They walked forever in silence but the Spectre felt less restless, less forlorn, and the Spirit less agitated and less vengeful somehow.
…
"Why are you called Vengeful Spirit?"
"Because I will avenge my betrayal and death."
"What happened?"
"I was a princess. I was betrayed. I was killed. I sold my soul to be able to take revenge. I was made a spirit and I'm killing everyone involved in my betrayal."
…
A flash of memory. Just a tiny piece. Mercurial looked at the Vengeful Spirit. "Did you complete your vengeance?"
"No. Even though I'm quite powerful it isn't easy. And I'm still not sure what to do with Dragonus. He was a part of my betrayal but it wasn't really his fault or his intention to hurt me."
"But he did, hurt you I mean." They weren't sure if it was a memory or just them sensing the logical implication behind the words.
The Spirit nodded. "He did. But to see me like this," she gestured down her body, "it is hard enough for him. The way he constantly apologizes when he sees me, how he always offers to help me, I can't make myself hurt him. He's already hurting enough as it is. I just don't think my vengeance will ever be over as long as he is alive."
"Does it matter?"
A deep sigh. "I guess so."
It was the same with their memories and their search for themself. Did it matter if they ever found who they had been? Did it matter if the Vengeful Spirit ever completed her vengeance? It wouldn't change who they were now. They had become different creatures and they could never go back.
But for the Spirit it was different, because if she had sold her soul to be able to avenge her past she would change when she had fulfilled the pact. She couldn't be the same from before she had been betrayed, but she wouldn't have to stay a spirit forever.
"Why did you lose all of your memories?", the Vengeful Spirit asked. "Did something happen?"
"I wish I knew. But I don't think so. I began to forget about my life since the moment I turned into a spectre. It was just a matter of time before nothing was left. But I think…" they hesitated. Since there was no reason not to say it, they continued. "I think you are good for me. I begin to remember some things, from our time together, now that you are with me."
The Vengeful Spirit smiled, though it was a sad smile. "Me, being good for someone. Who would've guessed that?"
"Don't belittle yourself like that. You said we are friends, isn't that what friends are there for? To be good for each other?"
The look the Spirit cast at the Spectre was strange. They couldn't decipher it, didn't know what she was thinking. Had this been the wrong thing to say? Then the Spirit did something completely unexpected: She hugged them. It felt unreal somehow but at the same time it was the most awesome experience Mercurial could remember. Having this beautiful spirit pressing her warm body against them, her arms slung around their neck and her face lying against their cheek. She was soft all over, her almost everywhere exposed skin in full contact with the Spectre. It felt amazing.
Mercurial was sure they hadn't been touched like that since becoming a spectre. And since they couldn't remember anything from before, only this time of her life counted, anyway.
They wrapped their arms around her waist, careful not to touch the remains of the wings sprouting from the Spirit's back.
…
The Vengeful Spirit hissed as their ally passed her and accidentally brushed her wings in the process. The male frowned at her but continued on without saying anything.
She shot daggers at his back as he walked on. "Fucker." she muttered.
At Mercurial's questioning look she explained: "My wings are very sensitive. They have always been like that but it got even more extreme when I turned into a spirit. I don't like to be touched there. Even less by strangers or creatures I don't like. It's too personal."
...
The Spectre was almost ashamed to ask. But she had to. "What is your name?"
"Shendelzare Silkwood, skywrath princess of the Ghastly Eyrie." Her features softened as she looked at the Spectre. "You may call me Shendel."
…
"You may call me Shendel." the beautiful Spirit said with a smile.
It was their second town war together and Mercurial thought they had formed a lose bond of friendship. But exchanging names, it was something special. It wasn't common to know the names of the allied creatures in the wars and only seldom did someone care enough to ask. Mercurial hadn't asked, but it seemed the Spirit had decided it was time. They felt honoured.
"I'm Mercurial."
The smile on the Spirit's face deepened and without conscious thought, the Spectre smiled back. When had they done that the last time? To smile? They couldn't remember so it had been too long. But there had been no reason to smile, before.
...
"I remember." The Spectre stared ahead. "The longer you are by my side, the more I remember. It's all coming back, our time together."
"That's good, isn't it?" Shendel's voice was soft and she touched Mercurial's hand briefly with the tips of her fingers. It was such a normal thing to do, between friends, but the Spectre was astonished by the readiness of the Spirit to touch them at all. They weren't some normal creature, weren't beautiful or cute or fluffy or something like that. No one else dared to touch them.
They wanted to hug her again, to take her hand, to grab her. They wanted to never let her go. What a strange thing to want.
Side by side they walked on in silence while pieces of memory came back to the Spectre, one after the other. There were still huge parts missing but they didn't feel so lost anymore. They had an anchor. They had a name. They were not alone.
"Why did we stop going on town wars together?" This was something she didn't remember, yet. They had been friends, so why had they parted at all? It seemed so illogical.
"Well, it isn't as if we can fight in these wars all our remaining lives. I wanted to make progress with my revenge and you wanted to make progress with searching for your lost memories and your lost self."
Well, they didn't know about the progress Shendel had made, but they themself hadn't made any progress at all. They had ultimately lost more than they had gained. But the Spirit was right, they couldn't only live in the town wars. But, after they had lost all their memories, had lost their name and everything that had remained, Mercurial didn't want to be alone again. They didn't want to be without the Vengeful Spirit again. So, how to proceed from here? And what did it say about themself that they weren't able to be alone? Was it a sign of weakness?
Mercurial was lost in thoughts. They were not weak, at least not their body. But maybe their mind was so. They were not sure if they wanted to be this dependant on another creature. The Spirit said they were friends but friendships didn't last forever. Especially not when one of the two was a spirit of vengeance. They tended to be unpredictable, not only in their actions but also in their lifespans. What would happen once Shendel was gone?
In the worst case, the Spectre would forget everything about their life, again. They'd be roaming the world as a true spectre. No memories and no goals. In the best case, Mercurial supposed, nothing would happen. No impact of their friend being gone. They almost grimaced. That wasn't realistic at all. To lose a friend would always have an effect. Even only reconsidering otherwise was stupid. But then maybe they should use the time the two of them had together. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Don't part ways until it was absolutely necessary.
…
"She…"
"It's 'they'", the Spectre interrupted.
"What?" The Vengeful Spirit frowned at them.
"My pronouns. I'm not female, so 'she' is wrong. Please refer to me as 'they' and 'them'."
"You are not female?" Her gaze wandered up and down their body once, taking their appearance in. The Spectre knew that they looked vaguely feminine but they didn't feel female in any way and therefore didn't like to be referred to as a 'she'.
The Spirit shrugged. "Okay, no problem." And resumed her conversation with their ally, this time actually using the correct pronouns.
That was new for the Spectre. Usually other creatures didn't understand their wish not to be seen as female or male. Most times they ignored it. Sometimes a creature tried to adapt but they often didn't grasp the concept, or forgot about it constantly. Since Mercurial had no friends, all creatures they met were unknown to them, which meant they had to tell them all about their pronouns. They had to explain or point it out over and over again, so this immediate implementation of the correct wording into the talking of the Spirit was a pleasant surprise. Mercurial almost smiled.
The Vengeful Spirit wasn't only beautiful but also clever and considerate. No wonder the Skywrath Mage was pining for her even after all these years.
…