AN: drabble here. Attempt at being funny. There's some off hand references which will probably be only funny to the people who get them. Since it makes me feel special to publish this online and also every so often people review me... I guess we'll move on to story time now…7/31- fixed few grammar errors.
Draco Malfoy's Guide to Pureblood Stuff
(Transcribed by Miss. Pansy Parkinson)
On Hair:
"Firstly, the meaning of life, above all other meanings, is good hair care.
"You should begin each day with proper grooming, and proper hair care.
"Hair should be groomed for the obvious reason of making a good impression on strangers. They [the strangers] will be able to see that you wash your hair and are therefore: a clean person.
"Remember: 'Cleanliness is pureliness, and pureliness is goodliness and goodliness is a good first impression'.
On Meeting People:
"When meeting people and unsure of their status a slight sneer/smirk should be used. I like to call it the "snirk". The use of this will show the person that: I'm better than you, but, hey, I'm smiling at you, in a round about way.
"The smirk itself should not be used. When Malfoy's wear it, we look gorgeous, and one does not want others to bask in the beauty their eyes see, while they are already in euphoria by the hair. Therefore, any endearing facial expression that can (and has) caused fainting should not be used.
"When one is meeting a person of uncertain heritage, observe their hair and clothing. If their hair is red, than disregard the "snirk" and sneer instead.
"If the person that you are meeting dons the horrible attire of Jeans, the snirk should be attempted, but if you are in a bad mood, or the Jeans are ripped, it is perfectly acceptable to sneer. (Note: use a mild sneer, incase the person turns out to be important or of use)
On Dating:
"Malfoys do not date: red-heads, relatives closer than third cousins, vampires, veelas, mud bloods, gold diggers…
"Romeo and Juliet was not romantic, it was a TRAGEDY! Hence, the TRAGEDY of Romeo and Juliet, Not the, hey, this could work out, of Romeo and Juliet
"Malfoy heirs are forbidden to 'come out of the closet'. Heirs are needed to populate. (Of course, they are free to sleep around with as many boy-toys as they please…)
On Money:
"There are several rules for money.
"One, never under any circumstances do you tell a date the exact amount in the Gringotts account. If the date makes more than three, no more no less, not four, not two, but three references to the account, then dump the gold-digger.
"It is not appropriate to make a robe out of money. That is stupid. You are subject to loss of inheritance if you do so.
"It is fine to pick up the bill for friends, but Malfoys do not have 'friends' only allies, so be weary of those who make you pay for every thing. If possible, you should ditch them, unless they are of use to you in some way."
On Allies:
"A general mistrust of humanity should be adopted at all times, even when in infirmaries. Always ask for the old, ugly nurses… do not, under any circumstances, decide to screw around with the sexy bitch nurse, as she DOES have access to drugs and will force one into wizard's oaths.
"Encourage dorm mates to think you are a light sleeper, that way they won't try any fishy business, also, lead them to believe a Malfoy on the war path is quite scary."
Draco paused in his speech. He really didn't know what to add. He was sure there were countless other things to speak upon but he was getting a mental block. After all, he'd been working with her for an hour.
Pansy looked up at him.
"Draco?"
"Yes Pansy?"
"My arm hurts. Exactly, why, again, do you need me to write this?"
"PANSY!!!"
"Draco, I'm tired, can't we go to Hogsmeade already?"
"We will, later, I promise."
"It's almost three P.M., and this is the fifth version you've made me write down!"
"Pansy..."
"Draco…" Pansy whined.
Draco sighed. "Fine, we'll go to Hogsmeade already!"