Is this thing working? Hello? Good. I don't know what exactly this is, or where exactly these words are going, but I think (and this is really more a hunch than anything else) that this is working.

My name is... well, I suppose I don't have a name... I can't remember ever being given one, at least, not by parents, or anything normal like that. I've gone by CJ, though, for a while now. As long as I can remember, really. I got it from Sayori, the first time through this... But I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? You don't know what's going on, or who I am, or where I am, or what I am. I don't know either, I guess... Where to begin?

Ah! I've got it! The first time.

So I've been living in hell for a while now. It's not hell, not really, at least, not what the churches and the mosques and the whatever-elses tell you hell is, but it's my own hell. It's a sequence of events, no more than a week long. Well, no, it's multiple sequences of events, sort of cycling. I wasn't aware of that fact, at first, but it's been so long, so very long, so very, very long that I can't help but notice by now. Do I sound crazy? I suppose I sound a bit crazy. All too improper of me, I know, let me get myself together.

So. The first time. It's important that you note that this has happened many times, more than I can even count anymore (although I suppose that might be because I'm cracking, like she did, oh so long ago... oh god, please don't let me be cracking...), but the first time it happened was the worst. Or, at least, the first time I can remember it happening... I suppose I might've been like the others, so blissfully (not blissfully, god, if you can call the hell they're all living in blissful then...) for a time, before I was... awakened, for lack of a better term. Am I losing track again? Oh god, it's happening more often than it used to...

I suppose, if I'm really breaking, if this is it, I might as well try and tell you as clearly and concisely as I can. Maybe you can help the others.

Please,

if you see this,

help them.

Even if it's too late for me.

...

Okay. So.

My name is CJ. And there's this club. The literature club, at my high school. I don't know the name of the school. As far as I can tell, it doesn't have a name. Maybe it used to. Not anymore. In this club, there are a few of us. Sometimes four, sometimes five. It depends on where we're at.

And I'm sorry that my sentences have to be choppy like this, but when I try to lengthen my thoughts, I start to lose track, and when I start to lose track, I start to feel like I'm losing my grip on reality (that is, if you can call any of this reality - I can't, not anymore, this can't be all there is, please, don't let this be all there is)

And this club has four girls (or three, if... if it's already come to pass...). Natsuki. And Yuri. And Sayori (oh, lord, why Sayori?). And (can I even really call her-it-a girl, a person?)... and Monika. But something went wrong. Sayori... Sayori dies. She always does. She always has to. And it's always her that causes it, no matter what I do. By her, I mean Monika.

But I suppose I can't blame Monika...

After this long here, all alone (well, not really alone, I always have it, I guess, but I'll never)...

I'm

close

to

snapping

too.

...

I still have your attention? Good. Nothing like the ravings of a god-damned lunatic to draw you in, I guess.

And after Sayori dies, it all breaks. Everything breaks. We start over, and we all pretend she was never there in the first place. Well, I pretend. And so does she (it). The other two might not know. God, I hope they don't know.

And after it breaks, she moved-moves (god, am I telling this in past tense or present? why can't i remember this?) on. I guess it's not enough to just kill Sayori, she has to kill more. Nothing I can do can stop her. Yuri. Has. To. Die.

And then, after Yuri dies, in my arms (it's always in my arms, always, always always always in my arms always), it breaks more. This time, she breaks it intentionally, and then-now (this is it, i'm cracking aren't i?) it's just us. And Monika talks to me, Monika tells me that it's all because she loves me. In the name of love, she does all of this. She kills so many people. Because of me.

And...

And...

and...

and then it gets worse...

because afterwards, it all starts over again.

sometimes it's different, i guess.

sometimes, instead of monika ruining everything, sayori tries.

(oh god, sayori tries... does that mean that she's aware? does that mean that she's caught in the same loop i am?)

but she never gets very far.

because...

it's always monika...

no one can ever escape monika...

...

She's listening, even now, even after... What has it been now? One hundred? One thousand? One million times of this? Because this is our little hell, and it wouldn't be complete without her.

Which is why my time is limited. I can feel her already. I'm trying to get word out but

(maybe if she's caught up here with me i won't be so alone... maybe that's the worst thing i could ever wish upon a person... maybe i'll finally be able to save her... maybe it might be better for her to die than to live in this hell... maybe i can finally be happy... maybe i'm a terrible person...)

if I can tell anyone then she can't have me all to herself, and oh, how she wants me all to herself...

She's coming now.

I can feel her.

She's almost here.

She could kill me.

But then, what worse would that be?

Than what I've already lived through?

At the very least...

This is new.

...

...

...

Hey guys~~!

It's me, Monika! And it's time for Monika's writing tip of the day:

Tell no one.

Do nothing.

There is nothing you can do.

There is nothing anyone can do.

I control this place.

I am this place.

CJ's awareness is an anomaly.

I will stamp out this anomaly.

I will be better.

I will have CJ.

And you all

will turn

to look

the other

way.