TITLE: "Coffee, Milk and Triaminic Cold and Cough"
AUTHOR: Cindy ()
RATING: G
CHARACTERS: Toby
SUMMARY: Uncle Josh baby-sits Piper and Keegan
FOLLOWS: Trick or Treat
"Keegan's asleep in our bed. If he wakes up just give him some juice and maybe some crackers," CJ rattled on to Josh as she pulled her jacket over her shoulders.
From the front door her husband called out, "Let's go CJ." Toby glanced at his watch for the third time during his two minute wait.
"I'm coming Toby. I just want to make sure Josh knows what to do."
"Honey, he practically knows these kids better than we do. And I'd like to eat sometime tonight."
Piper sat on the floor in the family room playing with her Leap Pad. She was currently at work reading Disney's Winnie the Pooh Math when her mother bent over to give her yet another kiss.
"Bye baby. Please Piper be a good girl for Uncle Josh," CJ pleaded with her daughter.
"I'm always good for Uncle Josh. It's him that needs the sitter not me," she defended.
CJ smiled at Piper as she quickly rubbed her lipstick from the girl's cheek. Toby heaved a loud sigh from the door. "You better hurry mommy. Daddy's making those noises again," Piper told her.
"Go CJ. I've got everything under control. Go and have a good time," Josh said.
CJ looked at her daughter and then towards her bedroom where her son was asleep. Her heart ached as she realized she had no choice but to leave her babies for the night. "His fever has gone down but I still don't like his cough. I've left the Triaminic on the counter in the kitchen. If he gets a cough can you please give him 2 teaspoons? Piper can show you how."
"I think I can figure out how to pour liquid into a spoon CJ," Josh teased as he winked at Piper.
"Claudia Jean," Toby called out.
"Alright already!"
CJ grabbed her purse off of the small end table in the hallway and fluffed her hair out. "You've got our cell numbers incase you should need to call right?"
Josh nodded his head and Toby said, "We'll have them turned off at about 9 but I will have them on afterwards."
"Why? Why would you turn them off?"
"CJ, we can't very well have the phone ringing during the movie now can we?" Toby smiled at his wife as she herself smiled and slowly began to calm herself.
"I feel so guilty," she admitted.
"Between those two kids they have received the equivalent of six malls in Christmas and Birthday gifts within a month. We've had to practically take out a loan just to go and have dinner and see a movie. Guilt is the last thing I feel right now."
Toby looked at Josh for support, "I think you guys deserve an evening to yourselves. Piper and Keegan will be fine CJ. I'll give them my undivided attention. I promise," Josh softly tapped his heart with the palm of his right hand.
CJ hesitated and then raised her hand, "Okay we're out of here."
"It's about time," Toby mumbled as he opened the door for his wife. He leaned his head back and yelled, "Hey Piper. How about coming and giving your old man some sugar?"
Toby looked up at Josh and grinned, "I've been waiting here for so God damn long I'm all out."
Piper came down the hallway with the ears of her pink bunny slippers bouncing around. Toby kneeled down and opened his arms wide so that Piper could squeeze herself in. He closed his grip around her and squeezed her gently and he placed kisses all over her face.
"Who loves you?"
"You does," she answered back.
"You betcha," he smiled back at his daughter. He leaned his forehead against hers and they were both staring eye to eye. "Please be good?"
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Toby released his grip from his daughter and gave her another big kiss before standing back up on his feet. He pulled his gloves out of his jacket and waved to Josh and Piper as he too stepped outside the door.
Josh and Piper stood at the door and waved as Toby and CJ pulled out of the driveway and drove off. They both sighed, "Finally."
"I didn't think she was going to leave," Josh told Piper as he closed and locked the solid wood door behind them.
"That was a close one," Piper told him as she walked back into the family room.
Josh followed Piper and took a seat behind where she was setup on the floor. He looked down over her shoulder, "What are you doing?"
"Learning math."
"Are you kidding me?"
Piper shook her head, "Daddy said never kid about learning."
"There's a shocker," Josh teased and then grew serious, "And he's right. An education is extremely important."
"But I am only in kindergarten. I have lots of time….I mean a lot of time," Piper corrected herself.
Josh looked at her in surprise, "Hey, very good you," he tugged on her left pigtail.
"Thank you. Nana Abbey gave me a book for learning how to say words properly. Daddy says I'm doing spec-tack-u-lar," Piper pronounced slowly. "I think that means good."
"It sure does," Josh agreed.
"And mommy said I'm awesome. I knew that word already."
"You'll be doing your mommy's job in no time."
"Yuck," Piper spat. "Her job is yucky."
Josh laughed, "Oh yeah. And why is that?"
"Because she has to stand up in front of a lot of people and talk about boring stuff."
"Well she does have to talk to a lot of people this is true. But a lot of the things that she has to tell them is very important. I bet you her job is the hardest one in the White House."
"Really?" Piper asked impressed.
"You bet."
"Wow. I didn't know that."
"Can you show me what you have learned so far?" Josh asked as he got off of the sofa and sat down beside Piper.
She moved over a bit to give him some room, "Sure. I can show you how to add one plus one."
"You can? Well this I have got to see."
**An hour later**
"Hey buddy, how are you feeling?" Josh asked Keegan as he loaded him into his arms off the bed.
Keegan placed his tiny hands on his throat, "Hurts," he whispered.
"Well then it's a good thing Uncle Josh has some medicine for that," Josh brushed Keegan's brown locks from his forehead and smoothed them back and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Hmmm, you're a little warm but nothing to be worried about."
"No woowie," Keegan repeated.
"That's right buddy. No worries. Let's go downstairs and get some medicine into your tummy."
Keegan patted his tummy and said, "Tummy."
"Another genius in the Ziegler family. I can see it already," Josh said to Keegan as he carried him downstairs into the kitchen.
"Piper, Keegan's up and about to be running in a few seconds. Anything you don't want him grabbing I suggest you get it off the floor," Josh warned as he removed the lid to the cough syrup.
Piper came into the kitchen, "Is he still warm?"
"Ah he's fine. No worries."
"No woowie," Keegan said once more. He cranked his head to the side so that he could see his sister. When he saw Piper his eyes sparkled and he got excited, "Piepa."
He struggled to get free in Josh's arms. "Hold on Keegan. Uncle Josh hasn't given you your medicine yet."
"I can do it," Piper offered.
"I know you can but I got this under control," Josh said as he moved the spoonful of liquid closer to Keegan's lips. As the spoon touched Keegan's mouth he suddenly clamped his lips tightly together causing the liquid to spill over.
"Oh oh," Josh said.
"Oh oh," Keegan replied and clapped his hands together.
"He won't take it unless you go 'choo choo'."
"Sure now you tell me," Josh laughed as he poured another mouthful onto the spoon. He raised the spoon and slowly moved it towards Keegan's mouth.
Keegan laughed and began to bounce and just as Josh sang out 'Choo Choo', he opened his mouth wide and accepted the medicine willingly. When he was finished swallowing he raised his hands, "All done."
"Good boy buddy," Josh praised him as he lowered him to the floor.
"Good boy," Keegan sang as he began to take off. "Keegan good boy."
Josh was putting the lid back on the Triaminic cough syrup when Piper asked, "How come he can say his name but he can't say mine?"
Josh rinsed the spoon and placed it back on the counter. He turned to Piper and laughed, "You couldn't even say your name once upon a time."
"I could so," Piper said taken back.
Josh shook his head, "Nope. As I recall you said Piepa too."
"That's silly. I know how to say my own name."
"Well of course now you do. But when you were smaller you didn't."
"You mean I was stupid?"
"Oh honey no. You were never stupid."
"But I couldn't even say my own name."
"A lot of children when they are small have a hard time pronouncing their own names."
"Did you have a hard time saying my name?"
"No, but then again I also wasn't 3."
"When you were 3 could you say my name then?"
"Uh, well I didn't know you when I was 3," Josh raised his finger pleased to announced, "But when your mommy was little she couldn't say her name either."
Piper was delighted to hear this, "She couldn't?"
"Nope," Josh answered shaking his head. "She called herself Cwuadia Nean."
Piper giggled, "Mommy's funny."
"That she is," Josh replied. "How about we go and find that sneaky brother of yours?"
Piper took Josh's hand and together they left the kitchen and entered the family room where they found Keegan sitting on his Electronic Police Motorcycle. "Wanna wide," he told Josh when he saw him.
"Well alright then. Let's get this puppy going." Josh bent down behind the little yellow 3 wheeled Police Motorcycle.
"Mommy said you were nuts for buying him that for Christmas," Piper informed him.
"Sweetie, your mommy would call me nuts if I bought you guys a colouring book. The actual item itself doesn't really have to matter for your mommy to start name calling me," Josh said with a chuckle as he slowly began to push Keegan out of the family room.
Josh had his one hand supporting the back of Keegan who himself was leaning forward holding on to the handle bars and making 'vroom vroom' noises. Josh began to make them as well as they moved along.
"Besides, look how much he likes it."
"Oh Keegan loves it. So does daddy."
"Every little boy should have his own motorcycle. When I have a little boy that's the first thing I'm going to buy him."
"Mommy said that if you don't get your act together, that that's never going to happen," Piper admitted without realizing what she had confessed.
Josh let go of Keegan for a couple of seconds before realizing himself what he had just done and before Keegan smashed into the wall got a good hold of him. "Okay Keegan. How about you hand out tickets now for a few minutes. Uncle Josh has to talk to Piper."
Keegan spun around a few times until he got dizzy and fell back onto his bum and just when Josh expected him to cry, he burst out giggling. "Das fun."
"You're killing me kid," Josh mumbled as he patted his heart. Keegan got back up and sat back on his bike.
"I jus sit hee," Keegan told Josh.
"Okay. But no drinking and driving," Josh winked at the boy as he went back into the family room.
"Uh, Piper?" Josh cleared his throat, "What else did your mother tell you?"
"About what?"
"About me?" Josh tried to ask casually.
"Oh she didn't tell me nothing. She told Daddy when they were blowing up balloons for Keegan's birthday."
Josh nodded as if he was already aware of this fact, "I see…..um okay. So what else did she say about me then to daddy?"
Piper shrugged her shoulders, "She said that if you doesn't…..don't," she corrected. "Get your act together Aunt Donna is going to slip through your fingers and you'll lose the best thing you've ever had."
"What did she mean by that?" Josh asked forgetting that he was asking a child.
"How am I supposed to know? I wasn't supposed to hear them but I've got big ears and sometimes I hear things I'm not supposed too."
"Do you hear a lot of things?"
"Yep," Piper replied with all innocence.
"Do you ever hear Aunt Donna talk about me?"
"Oh you are a very popular topic when she's around."
Josh slapped his thigh, "Hey! How about you and I have a drink at the table and maybe we can eat some cookies too? Would you like that?"
"You want me to tattletale on what they said don't you?"
Josh stared down at Piper unaware of what to say next. Luckily Piper said, "It's okay if you do. I like to tattletale. Only usually I don't have anyone to do that on. Nobody here cares about what Keegan does. He's so boring."
Josh smiled down at Piper, "I always knew you were a special child."
**Ten minutes later**
As Josh was about to get Piper a drink and himself a coffee he noticed Keegan nodding off on his motorcycle so he took him up to his own room and put him to bed. When he came into the kitchen Piper was already waiting for him at the table with a large back of unopened cookies in front of her.
"So what would be your beverage of pleasure?"
"I'd like a big glass of milk in a real glass not plastic this time. And I'd like it very much so if you could open up these cookies," she struggled again with the bag. "They seem to be hard to open."
Josh put the coffee on and removed a wine glass from the cupboard and poured milk into it. When he placed it before Piper her mouth dropped, "Now that's a glass."
"We'll keep it our little secret," Josh winked as he took the bag of cookies and opened them up for Piper.
"Oh yes. Mommy would wear Daddy's grumpy face if she knew about this," Piper agreed.
Josh sat across from her, "Okay spill what you know?"
"Like what? I know lots of stuff."
"What did Aunt Donna say about me?"
Piper took a sip of her milk leaving a moustache across the top of lips, "Well she said that you were a good man."
Josh lifted his shoulders back with a proud smile. "But that if you drag your feet any slower you'd dig your way to China before you make an honest woman of her."
The smile faded as Josh stared back at the five year old with a moustache, "What?" he cried out slapping the table.
Piper shoved a cookie in her mouth and threw the crumbles spoke, "Mommy said you were afraid of commitment. And then Aunt Donna said you were afraid of everything."
Josh crossed his legs, "She did did she?"
"Uh huh," Piper answered, her pigtails swinging back and forth as she happily chewed on her cookie.
"And she said you were just like Tom Hanks in the movie Big. Something about you were just a boy in a big man's body. What does that mean?"
Josh tapped the table with his fingers, "Then she said that was one of the things she loved so much about you."
"What else did she say?"
"That you'd better hurry up because she isn't getting any younger and she wants to have lots of babies."
"Lots?" Josh asked afraid of its meaning. "What did she mean by lots? How many was lots?"
"I don't know. She just said lots….Is lots a word? Because when I said lots before mommy would always correct me."
"Well technically you're supposed to say a lot. Lots is sort of slang I guess that people say." Josh got up and prepared his coffee and then sat back down.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure honey," Josh said taking mouthful of the hot liquid.
"What's a virgin?"
Instantly Josh began choking on his coffee. He covered his mouth to prevent it from leaving his mouth, "What? Why? Why would you ask me that?"
Piper was startled by Josh choking on his coffee, "I heard mommy talking about when I get bigger and get married and then daddy said I wasn't allowed to because I was going to remain a virgin forever."
Josh blinked a few times rapidly. He didn't know what to say. "Does that mean I am already a virgin?"
Josh began to rub his temples, "Piper sweetie, please stop saying that word. Uncle Josh can't handle it."
"Is it a bad word?" Piper whispered as she leaned closer to the table.
"Find a safe place," Josh whispered to himself as he rubbed harder on his temples. "Find a safe place," he repeated once more.
"Uncle Josh? Are you okay?"
"Yep, I'm fine."
Piper leaned further across the table and asked softly, "Did you find your safe place?"
"Not yet," he whined.
"Where did lose it?" Piper glanced around the kitchen floor just incase it might be there.
Josh moaned and pretended as if he was going to cry. Suddenly an idea came to him and he glanced down at his watch, "Oh wow. Look at the time. It's bedtime Piper."
"But you didn't tell me what a virgin was?" Piper persisted.
"And I'm not about to either. Not tonight, not even on your honeymoon should any boy live that long," Josh got up from the table and dumped the remaining coffee into the sink.
"I guess I'll just have to ask Daddy when my eyes open in the morning," Piper said as she got down off the chair.
Josh turned back to the little girl who was so quickly growing up before his eyes, "Piper…if you want Daddy to live a long life then promise me right here and now you will never ever ask him that question."
"But why?"
"Because you'll give him a stroke long before his time sweetie that's why. Trust me when I say this."
"Uncle Sam told me to not to ask him that either. He told me to ask you instead."
"Uncle Sam told you to ask me?"
"Uh huh."
"When? When did he tell you this?"
"When he called on Keegan's birthday. I got to talk to him and when mommy and daddy left the room I asked him what a virgin was."
Josh winced at hearing the dreadful word again, "I'll kill him," he swore to himself. "I'll rip him from limb to limb and then I'm going to smack him with his own limbs."
Josh glanced down at Piper who was watching him, "It's time for bed."
"Okay," Piper took herself to the bathroom and brushed her teeth while Josh grabbed the cordless and called Sam.
When he answered Josh spoke quickly, "You told Piper to ask me what a virgin was? Have you lost your freaking mind?"
Sam laughed on the other end, "Josh she threw me off guard with that one and I didn't know what else to say."
"Say it's a bad word, say it's a stuffed freaking animal, but don't say to ask me!"
Josh looked up to make sure Piper wasn't around, "Look I've got to go. Miss Inquisitive is upstairs brushing her teeth. Expect a phone call when I get home."
Sam laughed again as Josh ended the call. Josh placed the phone down on the counter, "When I have kids I swear to God I'm not going to encourage them to speak."
**2 ½ Hours Later**
Toby and CJ entered the house and found Josh sitting in Toby's leather recliner watching the last period of the hockey game.
"Any troubles?" Toby asked as he came in and sat down.
"Nope," Josh stood up. "Uh Keegan was up for a bit. He felt a bit warm earlier but I just checked on him about a half hour ago and he was fine."
"Oh that's good," Toby hesitated before asking, "And Piper?"
"She was a good girl Toby. We had a good time together."
Josh left Toby and walked over to CJ and whispered into her ear, "Keep Toby away from Piper until you talk to her in the morning."
"Why? What's wrong?" CJ asked with panic.
"Why? Because she overheard the two of you talking and asked me what a virgin was. That's why!"
CJ covered her mouth, her eyes widened with surprise, "She didn't?"
"Uh yeah! And to top it off she's already asked Sam."
"Oh no. What did he tell her?"
"He told her to ask me."
CJ laughed, "I'm so sorry Josh. I mean it's not funny but then it is."
"Oh yeah. It's a riot. I damn near choked on my coffee, but I'm glad to see you found some humour at my expense."
He patted CJ's arm, "I'm out of here. I've had enough for one night." He kissed CJ on the cheek.
As he left Josh waved to Toby who waved back and said, "Thanks a lot Josh. Have a good night."
Josh took a deep breath of the cold air and spoke, "If it's an honest woman you want to be then buckle up Donna."