Double Entendres
Disclaimer: Only my horrible humor is mine.
WARNING!! The jokes and double meanings in this fic can get very dirty. Very, very, very, very, very dirty…so if you guys don't like the slapstick-ish vulgar humor, then you shouldn't read this. I'm going to be safe and say that no one under fifteen should read this. If you are under fifteen and you read it and find it offensive…please don't flame me. I warned you. That's all I can do.
A/N: So, I came up with this at…an ungodly hour. I was very tired and nearly laughed myself to tears when I came up with this. Pathetic, I know. Laughing at my own damn idea. LOL.
This is just little snippets of what we didn't see in the show. Not from any particular episodes…most of the situations were created in my…uh, mind. A bunch of those uncomfortable little moments where we wish we could literally eat our words. Even our perfect SG-1 has those imperfect, yet perfectly hilarious moments.
So…I suck at funny, but I hope I get a few giggles. Ha! May even make a few people blush! I certainly did…and I was the one writing it!
BTW: Moments are unrelated; sorry if they seem a little…discordant.
ENJOY!! (We'll start off a little tame, kay?)
SG-1 sat at the briefing room table waiting for General Hammond to join them. They could see him in his office talking on the phone. Not the red phone, mind you, but the regular old black phone. Yeah…no presidential damning today.
Jack surveyed the other occupants at the table. They worked well together…even if they'd only been on five missions. Jack shook his head slightly, his eyes landing on his second in command and the only other military officer on the team. Captain Samantha Carter.
Her chin was resting gently on the back of her hand and her eyes were focused on the report in front of her. For the first time since he'd met her she looked relaxed. The familiar straight-back posture she usually had was replaced with a less severe, but still respectable posture. A few stray pieces of her hair tickled her brow and she absently blew them back into place.
Damn, she was adorable.
As if feeling his gaze she glanced up. Instead of straightening up and clearing her throat as she often did when he looked at her, she remained in her current position and gave him a small, lazy smile. One, he recognized, that he gave her often.
Oh, boy.
Jack had known he was hosed the minute she had stepped up to the table, all fire and passion. But, it would pass…right? Unfortunately for him, he didn't think so. Life seemed to like playing cruel jokes on Jack O'Neill…and Captain Carter was the next one.
Damn.
Still smiling softly, Sam tore her gaze from the colonel's and reached for the water pitcher. Sighing, she realized that it was on the other side of the table. Standing half-way up, balanced on her toes her hand barely grazed the handle. She saw the amused smirk on her CO's face and groaned inwardly. Expecting him to lean back and watch her struggle with the pitcher she was utterly surprised when he shooed her hand away; fingers lightly brushing her own. Ignoring the completely inappropriate thoughts that sprang to her mind she glanced at him, confused.
He gave her a genuine smile. "I'll fill you up, Carter." He spoke slowly, still amused.
Sam froze and Daniel glanced up sharply from his report, staring at Jack in disbelief. Teal'c cocked his head and raised an eyebrow…which could mean anything. He raised his eyebrow at almost everything and SG-1 had yet to sort out the various meanings.
Jack paused sensing the sudden heavy silence in the room. He glanced at his teammate and, gulping, turned to look at the General's office door.
Which was wide open.
With a very red-faced general standing on the threshold.
Looking back at Sam's surprised blue gaze, his words caught up to him. 'I'll fill you up, Carter.' He blanched. While very tame as far in the way as double meanings go…they were two Air Force officers. And the frat regs clearly stated against anything sexual in meaning…no matter how innocuous.
Crap.
"Carter…" he started, then looked back at the still cherry-faced general. "Sir, I…that wasn't what it…what I mean is that I…" he took a deep breath, forcing himself back into his cool, composed military persona. Smiling slightly, he leaned back. "General, sir. Didn't see you there."
Whether it was Jack's lack of remorse or his lack of standing as a superior officer entered the room…the general's face turned a dangerous shade of purple.
"General Hammond." Teal'c stated calmly. "I believe it would be wise if you inhaled."
The general glanced at Teal'c and slowly turned back to a normal shade, as though the big man's sedate demeanor had worn off on him. Turning to give the colonel one last glare he stopped midway. The colonel was looking at his second; no hint of an apology in his eyes. A 'cat ate the canary' grin played across his lips and Sam was flushing quite noticeably.
The general shook his head and seated himself at the head of the table. 'I have a feeling that those two are going to be a handful…'
………………………………………………………………………………………………
A/N: This is a new segment. I probably won't put two together in one chapter again, but since this is the first chapter…I really gotta sell it. LOL. Uh, this ones pretty tame too. I wanna kinda ease you guys into this…LOL. They also probably won't be as long as the first either, but…knowing me, they could end up being longer.
ENJOY!!
Jack felt himself jerk as he realized that he was falling asleep again. Normally, he wouldn't have a problem with dropping off, but…the briefing room table probably wasn't the best place to do that. Especially when a certain general was watching. Glancing around wearily, he saw that the General was the only one completely awake.
Besides Teal'c, of course. But, then again, he always looked alert.
Daniel was still talking about the mission, but his voice was thick with exhaustion. His eyes were half-lidded and his words were slightly slurred. Jack completely understood. The mission had been a doozy. They managed to make friends with the local people…and turn them into bloodthirsty enemies all in the same day. They had tried to resolve the conflict peacefully…but had ended up tranquilizing half the village just so they could run the seven miles back to the stargate. The tranqs hadn't been Jack's idea…but Daniel and a slightly more hesitant Carter had argued. They had won eventually…though he knew that once Carter got involved there was no way he could say no.
'Speaking of Carter…' Jack's eyes wandered to his second. He was surprised to find her looking back at him. Her blue eyes were dark with fatigue and heavy-lidded. They also held a certain amount of pleading in them. Jack would have smiled…if he had had the energy. Instead, he continued to look in her eyes, mustering up all of his strength so he wouldn't drown in them. 'Man…I must really be tired. I really shouldn't be staring at Carter like this.' Jack laughed silently. 'Hell, forget staring. I'm flat-out gawking.'
Sam cocked her head, an unreadable expression filling her eyes. He smiled at her reassuringly before turning his head to the general.
"And we all lived happily ever after. Right, Daniel?" Jack said with more strength than he felt. Daniel nodded gratefully, uncaring that he had been interrupted. General Hammond looked at Jack, unsurprised.
"Alright, colonel. Seeing as Dr. Jackson has been telling me the same information for the last ten minutes," Daniel flushed, embarrassed. "I think it would be in your team's best interests to continue this briefing tomorrow."
They all nodded gratefully and stood up as he dismissed them. Jack glanced back at his second and smiled in amusement. She was literally swaying on her feet. Her eyes met his again and she blushed, immediately straightening.
Jack was caught between wanting to laugh and wanting to shout. After a year and some, one would think she would stop feeling the need to prove herself to him. Lord knew, he respected her more than she could understand. He could never think she was weak.
Stepping away from the table he turned back to his brilliant 2IC. "Come on, Carter. Let's go to bed."
Daniel spluttered on the water he was drinking and Teal'c raised an eyebrow, clearly telling O'Neill that he was an idiot. General Hammond paused in his doorway, but kept walking after a moment; deciding it would be best just to ignore that.
Sam, however, blushed a deeper shade of pink and averted her eyes. A barely suppressed smile fought to gain control of her mouth.
Eyes widening, Jack looked between all three of them, eyes lingering on Carter. "That…didn't come out right." He didn't bother apologizing. He knew it would come out…wrong. Instead, he offered Sam a bright smile.
She smiled back and a glint of mischief flashed in her eyes. "Yes, sir."
Daniel shook his head and wondered at his two friends. Sometimes they could be so…dense.
TBC
A/N: Please R&R!! And…they get dirtier after this. (Insert evil laugh here.)