TITLE: "All for One and One For All" (1/2)
AUTHOR: Cindy ()
RATING:
CHARACTERS: The whole gang
SUMMARY: The President's Birthday
DISCLAIMER: The characters used from the West Wing do not belong to me; they are the property of Aaron Sorkin.
Leo McGarry was just wrapping up his meeting with the President of the United States when Charlie entered. The President was making his way back behind his desk so he didn't catch Charlie winking at Leo.
Leo caught on to Charlie's attempt of his attention and rose from where he was sitting. "Well I guess that just about covers it. I'll tell CJ she can reveal what we know so far and we'll get the ball rolling."
Looking down through his glasses Bartlet eyed Leo. "Okay," he watched Leo head for the door. "Uh Leo?"
Leo turned back to his old friend, "Yes Mr. President?"
"When are you going to stop pretending today is just another day and wish me a happy birthday?"
Leo's expression soon changed. "I'm sorry Sir I thought I wished you a happy birthday already."
Bartlet didn't go for it. "No you didn't."
"Well then Sir. Happy Birthday," Leo waited to be excused. Bartlet kept eyeing him for a few more seconds before speaking again. "What does the gang have planned for me?"
Leo tried to give the President a look of confusion. "I don't follow Sir."
"Come on Leo. You always were a terrible liar and you're getting worse with old age," Bartlet released a small grin. He knew that they had something up his sleeve. And this year he was determined to find out beforehand.
"Really Mr. President I don't have any idea what you are talking about."
"Alright Leo. I'll pretend to believe you. I guess I'll just have to find out for myself," Bartlet sat behind his desk and waved Leo off. "Please have Charlie come in here if you don't mind."
"Sure thing Mr. President," Leo opened the door and stepped out. Charlie was waiting for him in front of his own desk.
"Leo the price just went up again by five dollars. What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to bid whatever you have to bid in order to win that item Charlie," Leo sighed with great distress. He wiped his brow slowly.
"By the way The President wants you to go in there."
Charlie nodded his head and stepped in front of his computer to do his bidding. He typed on his keyboard and then sat back. "Well I've done it. Let's see how it goes."
"How many bids have there been on this so far?" Leo leaned closer to Charlie's monitor.
"Excluding yourself there are atleast three other people bidding as well."
"Three!" Leo exclaimed in complete surprise.
"Yep," Charlie said nodding his head once more. "I was pretty shocked myself. I mean who would really want something old and useless?"
Leo patted Charlie on his shoulder, "The President that's who. Okay Charlie keep bidding until these suckers give up."
"What's the limit?"
"Winning," Leo winked at Charlie and then straightened up. "Oh and Charlie. No matter how much he cries, begs, pleads or threatens, do not, I repeat do not tell him anything."
"I don't have anything to tell. You still haven't told me."
"Trust me. It's better for you if you don't know."
"Hey as long as I'm invited I don't care about being left out in the dark."
"I owe you Charlie."
"And I'm going to hold that to you Leo," Charlie smiled up at the Chief of Staff who glanced at his watch.
"Okay you better get in there and see what he wants. I have to go and find Toby."
***Toby***
Toby had just finished signing the birthday card he had purchased during his lunch for the President. He made a face of disgust while licking the envelope to seal it. "That's disgusting," he said to himself when he was done.
He taped the envelope to the gift he had bought a few days earlier. It was a book about National Parks. Considering how much of a fanatic the President was over the Parks, Toby thought this would be a perfect gift for him.
When finished taping the card Toby sat back in his chair and admired the gift that sat before him on his desk. He was very proud of what he had bought. He thought he did well.
"Son of a bitch."
Toby sat straight up in his chair. "What the hell," he said as he began to stand. He opened his office door and poked his head out. Bonnie and Ginger glanced up at him.
"Something wrong Toby?" Bonnie asked as she paused from typing.
"I thought I heard someone say son of a-"
"Bitch?" Ginger whispered. Toby nodded his head. Ginger pointed to the office adjoining Toby's.
Toby stepped out of his office and knocked on Sam's. When he wasn't invited in he just walked in. Sam was behind his desk mumbling into his laptop.
"Sam? Is everything okay?"
Sam didn't look up but he shook his head. "No. I just got out-bidded by someone named Lion King."
Toby was confused. "I'm sorry did you just say Lion King?" Toby gripped his left elbow with his right arm as he waited for Sam to respond.
"That's their username," Sam finally answered. He clicked his mouse and then shouted out, "Ha! Take that Lion Loser." He now looked up at Toby with a look of victory on his face.
"You're not in those chat rooms are you because we've talked about this?"
"No Toby. I'm on eBay and I am trying to bid on an item but this idiot keeps outbidding me."
"eBay Sam? It's-" Toby glanced at his watch. "It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Shouldn't you be, oh I don't know? Perhaps working?"
Toby rocked back on his heels.
"I am working. I'm working on winning this damn thing."
"I don't think that's part of your job description Sam."
"I've got to get this thing Toby. I didn't have time to buy the President anything for his birthday. I've been avoiding him all day."
"Why am I not surprised Sam?"
"I was actually bidding on something different but I got too many threats so I changed my mind."
"Someone threatened you on eBay?"
"Yeah," Sam answered with too much energy. "Whoever it was is mentally unbalanced. And mean too."
"Why would someone threaten you?"
"Because I kept bidding on it after they did. I guess they didn't like the competition."
"And so you quit? What are you afraid of the eBay G-Men?"
"The slander was beginning to hurt my eyes after awhile. I thought it best to just move on," Sam looked at Toby with so much innocence.
"Have you got him anything?"
Toby took a seat on the edge of Sam's desk. "As a matter of fact I have. I just so happened to have bought him a lovely book on National Parks."
Sam snickered. "What?" Toby said defensively.
"What?" Sam repeated.
"You snickered."
"Did I?"
"Yes you did. What you don't think he'll like it?"
"No I'm sure he'll love it."
Toby wasn't convinced. "But?"
"Well I was just going to say, doesn't he know everything there is to know already about National Parks. I mean the man's a walking encyclopedia when it comes to that subject."
Toby hadn't really considered this. He got off of the desk and said, "He'll love it." He turned his back to Sam and walked to the door.
"I think it's a good gift Toby," Sam said.
"He'll love it," Toby shouted before slamming the door behind him. He paused outside of Sam's office. He was beginning to doubt his gift. He left for CJ's.
***CJ***
"Hey Pokey," CJ greeted Toby as he came into her office.
"I got the President a gift," Toby said in a depressed tone.
"Well don't sound too enthused," CJ teased.
"He's going to love it CJ."
"I'm sure he will Toby," she replied not understanding why he was so depressed then.
"It's a book about National Parks," Toby waited for CJ to snicker the same way Sam did. She didn't.
"You're right. He is going to love it. He loves anything to do with National Parks," CJ put her attention to her computer. "God damn," she cried out.
"What?"
"This asshole just beat me out again. I swear he's getting on my bloody nerves."
"Are you on eBay CJ?"
"How did you know?" CJ glanced up at Toby who had taken a seat on her sofa.
"Sam's doing the same thing."
"His name isn't chestnuts roasted by any chance is it?"
"I highly doubt it."
"Good. Because this guy's going to a lot more than his chestnuts roasted when I get finished with him."
"What is it your bidding on anyways?"
CJ started to get excited as she explained the item to Toby. "It's a booklet of the speech that President Thomas Jefferson gave as his farewell address to the senate in March of 1801."
Toby raised his eyebrows. "Wow, that really is a cool gift."
"I think so. Only this jackass keeps out bidding me."
"How much is it?"
CJ looked at the price, "$185.00"
"A hundred and eighty five dollars CJ? Are you insane?" Toby questioned raising his voice.
"Well I know how much he appreciates things like this. I wanted his gift to be special."
"Yeah but a $185 dollars special. That's a lot of money CJ. Even if it is for the President of the United States."
"What is Sam bidding on?" CJ asked changing the subject.
"I don't know. He was bidding on one thing earlier but his opponent began threatening him. Scared the hell out of him so he backed away."
"Really?" CJ asked with interest.
"Apparently so," Toby replied.
"Did he mention what the username was?"
"I don't know. He said something about the Lion King. That's all I can remember."
CJ shook her head. "Lion King, don't know him."
"Were you honestly expecting to?"
"No but I thought that maybe he might be one of the guys that was on here earlier." CJ put her attention back to the computer. She hit the refresh button and waited for the page to load.
"Good. It looks like I scared of the twit," CJ smiled at Toby. "Have you had lunch?"
"It's after 2 CJ."
"Is it? I've been somewhat preoccupied," Carol appeared at the doorway. CJ looked up at Carol as she swiveled in her chair.
"CJ, Leo would like you to see him in his office."
"Okay. Thanks Carol." CJ turned to Toby. "Do you mind staying here and watching my bid?"
Toby rose from the sofa. "Actually I do mind. I unlike you have a job to do."
"Oh really?" CJ herself stood up revealing her true height. "Is that why you're moping on my couch?" She smiled at Toby.
"I wasn't moping," Toby argued.
"Whatever," CJ replied.
***Josh***
"Donna!"
Donna emerged before Josh Lyman. "You bellowed?"
"I need you to look someone up for me and then burn down their house."
"I'll get right on that Josh." Donna paused and then said, "Have you gone mad?"
"Almost. I'd say I'm about three quarters of the way," Josh answered.
"Uh, more like all the way Josh."
"Donna I'm so close. This particular item closes in twenty minutes and I am determined to win it."
"Why can't you be like everyone else Josh and go to a mall?"
"Because this is easier."
"Easier Josh? You've done nothing for the past two hours but complain and scream at your computer."
"Yeah?" Josh replied looking up at Donna as if she was from another planet.
"I thought you said you were going to stop?"
"I can't stop now Donna. I'm so close."
"Too insanity Josh that's about it," Donna walked up beside Josh who was leaning over his computer screen. "Oh my God Josh you're at $190.00."
"That's not bad really," he defended.
"You were at $65 the last time I was in here."
"Well this idiot keeps raising it."
"Who are you to call them an idiot Josh? Have you heard yourself lately?"
"I think I scared them off."
"Scared who off?"
"Legs2kill."
"You're scaring me Josh," Donna told her boss.
"Donna I'm fine," Josh said raising his arms and smiling.
Josh refreshed his page. "Oh oh," Josh said grabbing his seat now and sitting down.
"What?" Donna asked in a panicked voice.
"Snoopy's back."
"Snoopy Josh?"
"Yeah. This bugger is persistent too I'll give him that."
"You're competing for people whose names are Snoopy and Legs 2 Kill?"
"I didn't name them Donna."
"What's yours?"
"Chestnuts Roasted."
Donna laughed. "What?"
"Chestnuts Roasted," Josh repeated not understanding what was so funny.
"Where did you come up with that one?"
"It's the Christmas song. The radio was playing it when I signed up. You know, Chestnuts roasted on an open fire," Josh sang the line quickly and out of tune.
"Chestnuts Roasted?" Donna repeated once more.
"Yes Donna."
"Josh, the line is chestnuts roasting. Roasting Josh not roasted."
Josh stared at Donna and then jumped around in his seat. "So what."
Donna was still laughing as she left him alone in his office to fight the war with Snoopy and Legs 2 Kill.
***Leo***
"Come on in CJ," Leo said as he stood just inside his office holding the door open.
He walked to his desk while CJ took a seat before him. "I just finished talking to the President and-"
Margaret poked her head in. "I'm sorry Leo. Charlie is on line three. He says it's important."
Leo waved Margaret off. "I'm sorry CJ. This will just take a second."
CJ nodded her head while Leo picked up the phone. "What?" He practically shouted. "How did it go that high?" "Well just keep on bidding." Leo listened and then said, "Make sure we get this Charlie."
He hung up the receiver and looked at CJ. "I'm sorry CJ. Where were we?"
CJ smiled. "You wouldn't be having Charlie bid for you on eBay now would you?"
Leo tried to hide his surprise. "What?" He ended up smiling revealing the truth.
"You are," CJ gasped. "Oh my gosh Leo."
"Let's just keep this between us okay CJ?"
"Sure Leo. Can I ask what it is you're bidding on?"
"It's an antique Ulysses S. Grant and Schuyler Colfax presidential campaign button from 1869," Leo said impressed that he was able to come up with such an idea.
"Wow, that sounds impressive," CJ said nodding her approval.
"Yeah," Leo smiled. "I just hope we get the damn thing. Charlie says there are three other people trying to bid on the same thing."
"Really? There are other people who want an old button?"
"It's not just an old button CJ. It's from a Presidential race. It's extraordinary."
"How much?"
"The button is in excellent condition."
"How much?" CJ asked again.
Leo hesitated. "Charlie said it was going at $377.00"
CJ took a deep breath. "Ouch," she said.
"Tell me about it. But it's something I know he would appreciate. If only this other guy would drop dead so I could win it."
"I know the feeling. I've got some loser named Chestnuts Roasted who keeps outbidding me as well."
"Chestnuts Roasted?" Leo repeated trying to remember why that sounded familiar. He couldn't recall. "What's the item CJ?"
"It's the booklet of the speech Jefferson gave at his installment. Why?"
Leo snapped his fingers. "Josh."
"What about him?"
"He's Chestnuts Roasted."
"You're kidding me? Leo please tell me you're kidding," CJ moved forward in her seat.
Leo shook his head. "I knew that id was familiar. Josh told me about it earlier that he was bidding on it. I take it you are Legs 2 Kill?"
CJ stood up, "I'll kill him."
"When you're done doing that can you tell him it's chestnuts roasting not roasted. That always bothered me. I don't know why."
CJ stormed out of Leo's office. He got back on the phone and called Charlie for an update.
***Sam***
"Come on you cowardly Lion. Give me your best shot," Sam spoke into his laptop.
He hadn't taken notice of Toby standing in his doorway. Finally Toby coughed to announce his presence. Sam looked up.
"Hey Toby. How long have you been spying on me?"
"Long enough to realize that you've officially lost your mind."
"I'm running out time Toby," Sam said alarmed.
"So what Sam. Just go out and buy him something. He's not going to care that you didn't win something on eBay."
"But I will Toby. I'm determined to get this."
"I don't know who's more insane. You or CJ?"
"CJ's eBaying too?"
"eBaying Sam? You have your own lingo for an online auction?"
Sam ignored Toby's sarcastic remark. "What is she bidding on? It's not a button is it?"
Toby shook his head and sighed. "No Sam she's not bidding on a button." Toby paused. "Sam are you going through all of this for a button?"
"It's not just A button Toby. It's from Grant and Colfax's presidential campaign from 1869."
"It's a button!" Toby said raising his voice.
"It's an antique."
"It's a metal button Sam." It was Sam's turn to shake his head. "How much are you at Sam?" Toby asked not really wanting to know.
"$400.00," Sam said with much hesitation.
Toby almost choked. "Four hundred dollars for a piece of metal?"
"It's more than that Toby. I told you it's a-"
Toby raised his hand to stop Sam. "Yeah yeah I know. It's a button." He left Sam's office shaking his head. Who were these people? He thought to himself as he went into his own office.
***Josh***
"Joshua!" CJ screamed as she walked down the aisle to Josh's office.
Josh looked up just as CJ entered. "Hey CJ what's up?"
"What's up?" She repeated in a loud voice.
Josh stared at CJ not knowing what was wrong. "Get off eBay," she ordered.
"How did you know I-"
"Get off eBay," CJ growled as she leaned over the desk into Josh's face. "Chestnuts Roasted," she snarled.
Josh's eyes grew larger. He raised himself out of his chair and leaned towards CJ. "Legs 2 Kill," he snarled back.
"That item is mine. I bid on it first."
Josh titched CJ off. "You're delusional."
"I've moved past that to beyond pissed off Josh. That's my item."
"Uh, I'm sorry but right now it's mine," Josh looked down at his computer. He scrunched his face. "Or atleast it was."
CJ moved behind Josh's computer and they both stared down at it. "Who the hell is this Snoopy?" CJ hollered.
"I don't know. He came out of nowhere and started over bidding me. I thought you had given up because you stopped bidding. For the last five or ten minutes it's just been him and I."
"I had to go see Leo," CJ explained for her departure from bidding.
Josh started clicking and he kept clicking until he was satisfied. "There we go. It's mine again," he moved his head to see CJ and he quickly removed his smile from his face when he saw her expression.
"Not for long it isn't," CJ ran out of the room. "And by the way Josh. It's chestnuts roasting not roasted you idiot."
"You've only got a few minutes left," Josh called out after her. He sat back down at his computer. "So Legs 2 Kill is CJ Cregg," Josh smacked his lips together. "That sounds about right for her."
***8:34 pm that night***
Toby entered the hall carrying a gift bag in his left hand. He scanned the room for Josh or Sam. He found Sam.
Still carrying the bag he walked over to Sam and tapped him on the shoulder. Sam turned around and smiled at Toby.
"Hey Toby. Want a drink?"
Toby glanced behind him and looked around before replying to Sam. "Sure, a rye and ginger."
Sam ordered himself a drink and one for Toby. Josh had just entered. "There's Josh," Toby pointed out. Sam turned and looked and then glanced down at Toby's bag.
"That bag looks to big to be carrying just a book," he observed.
Toby looked down at the bag himself and wiggled it. "Yeah well with all the madness going on I decided that maybe a book wasn't enough."
"Ah Toby. You're gift was great."
"My gift cost twenty one dollars Sam. That's nothing in comparison to yours and CJ's."
"Well," Sam began. "Actually mine only ended up costing about forty dollars."
Toby was confused. "I thought it was at $400."
"Try 481 dollars to be exact," Sam said sipping the drink he had just received.
"481 dollars," Toby whispered to Sam who nodded.
"Yep. All in all I have to admit I lost. I wasn't spending that much. I don't care who it is, that's out of my budget."
"I wonder who the schmuck was that actually paid that much?"
Sam shrugged his shoulders. "I hope the Lion King is happy. The lousy bastard," he swiveled the ice around in his glass.
"Hey guys," Josh greeted as he made his way to the bar. "Scotch and soda please," Josh said to the bartender.
Josh leaned against the bar. "Big turnout wouldn't you say?"
Sam and Toby took sips from their drink as their eyes roamed around the room. "When are we supposed to meet with him?" Sam asked. He glanced at Toby who didn't answer and then to Josh who shrugged.
"I heard quarter to nine," Josh replied.
Toby looked at his watch. "It's quarter to now."
"Has anyone seen CJ or Leo yet?" Josh asked taking his drink from the bartender.
"Nope," Sam and Toby answered in unison.
"What did you guys get him?" Josh asked.
"I got him a book on parks but I didn't think that was enough so I wound up buying him a set of classic films on DVD," Toby answered.
Josh stopped drinking and closed his eyes as Sam spit his drink out of his mouth. "You what?" he shrieked at Toby.
"What?" Toby asked as he wiped some of the liquid that landed on his arm all thanks to Sam.
"I bought him a set of classics too."
Toby stopped wiping and stared at Sam. "You didn't?"
Sam shook his head six times almost getting dizzy. "I did. Toby!" Sam screeched.
"Maybe they are different," Josh suggested.
Sam turned to Josh. "You didn't too?"
Josh made a face. "Ahh Josh not you too."
"Hey I tried to buy him something on eBay but I kept getting out-bidded by CJ and some wanker called Snoopy."
Toby and Josh downed their drinks while Sam fought not to lose his mind. Toby spotted CJ waving them over. "Time to go," he said as he placed his glass back on the bar.
"Great. The three of us are all going to show up with the same flipping gift," Sam whined.
"My book isn't looking so bad after all," Toby said walking away.
***Sitting area***
Sam, Josh and Toby followed CJ into a small room where Leo, Charlie, Abbey and the President were gathered. "Here they are," Bartlet announced.
"We thought you three got lost."
"We tried," Josh mumbled.
"Happy Birthday Sir," Sam said to the President.
"Thank you Sam." Bartlet clapped his hands together. "Okay we've waited long enough. It's present time. I've got to get back out there," he motioned to the hall that was on the other side of the room they were all in.
Sam and Josh took a few steps back leaving Toby standing alone. He glanced back at the other two. "Chicken Shits," he whispered.
"What's that Toby?" Bartlet asked.
"I said," Toby began in a loud voice. "I hope you like it Sir. Happy Birthday." He handed the gift back to the President who accepted it with glee.
"I just love presents," he said as he opened the bag. He removed the book first. Toby held his breath.
"Oh Toby. This is amazing," Bartlet opened the book and leafed through its pages. "I love it. Thank you."
Toby exhaled and smiled. "Jed. Read the card," Abbey shouted out.
"I will I will," he replied as he began to open the DVD's. "Oh these are great. Toby, again thank you. These are fantastic," Bartlet was reading the sideline of the case that held the movies.
He held them up and shook them. "I can't wait to get into these."
Bartlet extended his hand for Toby and he accepted it. "Thanks a lot Toby. I truly appreciate it. They're great. Just great."
Bartlet looked at Sam and Josh who were pretending to be interested in the beige walls. "Which one of you would like to go next?"
Both pointed to one another. Bartlet looked annoyed. Finally Josh came clean. "Uh Sir. We have something to confess."
"If it starts with we forgot Josh you can just shove that bullshit."
"Uh no Sir. We didn't forget. We uh, we."
"Spit it out Lyman," Bartlet demanded.
"We bought the same thing as Toby," Josh said quickly.
"Oh," Bartlet said smiling. "Well that's okay."
"No Sir it's not. You see I tried really hard to get you this awesome gift," Josh glared at CJ and then looked back at the President. "But CJ kept out-bidding me and then this asshole calling himself Snoopy swooped in and stole it from me," Josh said all in one breath.
The President eyeballed Josh. "An asshole called Snoopy you say?"
Sam stepped forward. "The same thing happened to me too Sir. Only I was bidding on something different. I was trying to get a beautiful antique button from Grant's campaign."
"Oh," Bartlet said looking at Leo.
"Yeah and the jerk that was bidding with me, well he beat me Sir. I'm sorry."
"Jerk?" Charlie shouted out from where he was sitting. Leo gave him a look as if to say 'be quiet.'
Bartlet walked over to a small table and picked up a small package. He brought it over to Sam. "This wouldn't be that same button would it?" He displayed the same antique button from 1869.
Sam felt his knees go weak. "How did you, how did you?" he repeated. Sam looked around the room.
"Leo and Charlie gave me this for my birthday."
Sam looked at Leo. "You're the Lion King?"
CJ and Abbey chuckled. "Robin," Charlie growled. "You've been nothing but a pain in my butt all day."
"It was you?" Sam cried out at Charlie. "You're the one who kept cheating me?"
"Cheating YOU?" Charlie yelled out. "You tried cheating me."
"I'd like to go back to Josh and Snoopy for a moment if I may?" Bartlet interrupted Sam and Charlie.
"Sir, I swear I tried. When I found out it was CJ giving me a run we had our words. But Sir I have a whole set of different ones for that moron."
"So let me guess," Bartlet paused and then pointed to Josh. "You're Chestnuts Roasted," he turned slightly to CJ. "And you must be Legs 2 Kill?"
Neither answered. They were too confused to figure out how he figured that out. "I guess that makes me the asshole," he announced.
The colour drained from Josh's face. Toby tried his best to keep his laughter stifled. "Oh Boy," Charlie said from his seat.
"I-I-I," Josh stuttered.
"I-I-I," Bartlet mimicked Josh. "I bet you feel like a big asshole yourself right about now don't you Josh?"
"Oh you have no idea Mr. President," Josh replied softly.
Bartlet smiled. "By the way Josh, the line goes, chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not roasted."
"Oh for the love of God," Josh cried out. "How many times do you people have to tell me that?"
Everyone laughed. "I bet there's a lot of vacancy in your world isn't there Josh?" Bartlet asked as he put his arm around him.
The End!