Eve Neville opened the door looking better than ever. Jean let her know as much as she entered carrying a casserole. "Thank you. I feel much better, all things considered." She took the casserole and invited Jean to come through.
Jean had gone to see her a few times while she was still in hospital. She and Lucien were both trying to make sure the kind woman did not feel alone. But more than helping someone out, Jean genuinely enjoyed spending time with her, she was so open and honest about everything she had gone through. She had no guilt or embarrassment about any of it, "I don't have the time or patience to consider the judgement of others anymore." She had practically laughed the words at Jean, who marveled at the confidence of the ailing woman. And she knew Eve would get even stronger at home, so she had been especially happy to hear she was back there.
After a bite of lunch and a bit of chit chat about some things and people they had in common, Eve moved them to the parlor for some tea.
"Please tell me if I'm overstepping, but I'd like to ask you about the church if I may." Jean asked with wide eyes and a soft smile.
"Well I'm not quite sure what you mean exactly, you know I haven't been there in weeks. I should be asking you I suppose." She said with a humorous smile.
Jean pressed on apprehensively, "Well yes, I guess that's what I mean, about your decision to leave."
"I didn't decide to leave the church. I decided to not be made to feel unworthy of God's love for the rest of my life, what's left of it that is." She smiled and continued, "You know your words when you came to see me at the hospital that first time stuck with me. About your God not turning away anyone who needs him, well that's my God too. And I do have a good heart, a very good heart. So when I meet him I believe that is exactly what he'll see, and I will be rewarded. Focusing on that God is helping me through the toughest time of my life. Maybe you should focus on that too." And she gave a sweet knowing nod.
Jean smiled and nodded in return. She had been honest about the difficulty she was having letting it go. Not of the people, but of the actual church… its traditions and beliefs that had shaped her for over forty years. She teared up recounting some of the pivotal events that had happened there over her lifetime, pausing after telling her about the child she had lost, and the fear she had lived with because of it. A fear that, even now, was affecting her ability to fully move forward with Lucien.
Eve listened to Jean through a whole pot of tea. Letting her new friend verbalize and work out how she was feeling, mostly on her own. Eve had chimed in a few times, but for the most part Jean worked through it herself. Ultimately, they agreed that their God was a loving God and that if they were all made in his image, then the imperfections must have been part of him too. They laughed over the amount of sinning they knew went on Monday through Saturday. "But confess some version of it and take your Communion on Sunday, and all is forgiven. A fresh start to begin to sin again." Eve said with a laugh. "Nothing, not even religion, can live in a vacuum because no one is perfect, not even Christ himself."
"Look Jean, I believe in God, I'm just not so sure that God looks the same for everyone anymore. I believe there is a right and wrong. I just refuse to believe there is only one right and wrong way to believe in any God. And I refuse to believe he would abandon me now, when he is all I have." She was smiling honestly and hoping Jean had gotten some clarity from their visit. Talking through her own sins, and her sisters had certainly brought her some today.
"Well, you are definitely not alone, but I do know what you mean. I've struggled with much of our, their, doctrines for months now really. How can I believe that Henry will go to hell because of who he loves, if I am also to believe God made him that way? Because I refuse to believe he has the devil in him. Or that the children of unwed mothers don't deserve to be blessed. That you lost your seat beside him because great loss and sadness brought you to want to be in that place sooner than later. That my marriage to Lucien won't count because we won't make the 'choice' to be miserable without each other. Quite the contrary, I believe he sent us to one another. We came from such different places. We've had our own life pains that could have taken us out, but we stayed strong, survived it all and found each other. And we're stronger together. That can't be wrong."
Eve let Jean sit with that last bit. She was clearly lost in it. She had seen that same look on Lucien's face when she would ask after Jean on his visits to check up on her. His answers floating off, going on forever. They were a lovely pair. Two of the kindest people she had ever known and she regretted not standing up to the gossip about them over the years. It was mostly fueled by jealousy, she had thought that even then. The uppity men and women of the church, ever blind to their own transgressions while tallying them for everyone else. A truly sour lot for the most part, frustrated with their own unhappiness and therefore casting shadows on the happiness of others. She hoped she would live to see them wed.
"You know, I believe I fell in love with Lucien shortly after we met." She said still lost in thought. "He was strong and handsome and so very much his own person. He had no boundaries, and I found that both exciting and frustrating at the same time. It all felt very confusing though, at first. He didn't need me the way his father had. But then he let me know he did need me. And that need became a life source for me. Giving him the stability he had craved since he was a child became my own stabilizer. The next thing I knew, we were holding each other up, without touch. And then came the touches... and kisses." She blushed and gave a glowing smile to her friend. Thankful for the space and time she was giving her now.
Jean apologized for getting lost in thought, with a little giggle. Eve let her know it was not only okay, it was appreciated. Most who came into her orbit these days were focused on her failing health. They dared not speak of happiness, fearing it would remind her of her own pain, or perhaps what she was missing. But she wasn't dead yet, and felt she had a lot of life and fight still in her. She needed days like this to energize and forget. She was thankful for Jean, and their friendship. If only it had begun sooner, but she would relish in it now and thank their own private God for bringing them together.
Jean cleaned up the dishes as they continued their comfortable, open conversation. And as she left they planned their next visit. With a lingering hug, they said their goodbyes and Jean knew. Knew she was blessed far more than she was cursed. Knew all the rules she had followed in her life had brought her right to where she was today. Knew that place was the best place she had been in her whole life. Knew Eve would see her sister in heaven. Knew she didn't know everything. And most importantly, knew she would become one with Lucien before the sun rose again.
She smiled to herself as she walked home, face in the sun, warming her in more ways than one. She couldn't stop smiling. The more she thought of Lucien and what his reaction would be to her giving herself to him, the wider the smile became. Would he be shocked? Serious? Perhaps try to talk her out of it, for fear she would have regrets? Would he be playful? Over eager? She knew whatever his reaction, it would be charged with love. The greatest love she had ever known... not seen in any movie, nor read about in any book.
She thought she would be nervous when she made this decision. She certainly was as she readied herself to go to him just weeks before. But it wasn't time then. It was time now. It had been so long since she felt a man want her, it took some processing. And then to also get out from under the weight of the churches judgement. A judgement she no longer feared, at all. She had found a God who loved her, all of her. She was now free to revel in how her body responded to the want of a man, instead of fighting it. Touching that feeling again, as a grown woman in love with Lucien, gave her more joy than she had as a young girl falling for the handsome farm boy. Truth was, the trouble she had gotten herself into with Christopher Sr. was as much her doing as it was his. Their marriage was fraught with problems, but love making was not one of them. One of her greatest strengths was her ability to love. She felt everything so deeply, she always had. Even as a curly haired little dreamer of a girl, she had an empathy that stunned and charmed the grownups around her. Bringing food to the stray animals and people she came across. Giving her own things (of which she did not have much) to the kids who had nothing. Her sensitive heart had been protected her whole life by those around her. She had always had someone to lean on. That's perhaps why she, more than anyone else, was surprised at how she had supported herself for so long. She had grown to love the feeling of standing on her own. She felt so much stronger for it. But it's because she was waiting. Waiting for Lucien. She knew that now, without a doubt.
As she opened their front door she heard his voice before she could even enter, "Jean, is that you?" He was reaching for her instantly, like he always did. To touch her, kiss her, talk to her, hold her, just be with her. He wanted her, always. Any part of her she would give. And now she was free. Really free to share in his love, completely.
She smiled and would swear her feet left the ground as she closed the door behind her, flying free. "Yes, it's me. I'm home."