"We accept the love we think we deserve"
It was a quote that had always rung true with Allen. Love was a thing that he tried desperately to avoid. Yet, he craved it. He craved it more than anything.
To be held.
To be wanted.
To be needed.
To be adored.
But love was frightening. For one could stop loving you at any time. Could drop you and leave you with heartbreak and silence. The horrible silence...
Allen always doubted anyone even cared for him. Even his own family. It was obvious his Dad and Pa had always loved Matt more. That even Matt barely had the time to spare a moment for his brother.
And no one ever showed him exceptional kindness. Or even average kindness.
No one really smiled at him. Or asked him how he felt, how his day had gone.
He'd always enjoyed sex. Sex was fuelled by lust. Harmless, in the moment, forgettable lust. With sex he could safely get close to people, experience that wonderful, skin tingling contact.
He could loose himself in moment, in the blinding ecstasy.
For that short amount of time he could pretend. Pretend this was something more, something warm and permanent.
But then it would end and he would be left with a feeling of emptiness and self pity.
Then he met Alfred, a man who looked strangely like himself. Though his skin was much lighter, as was his hair. Not to mention his eyes... They were so full of life and wonder. A bright, sapphire blue that sparkled like the jewel itself.
Allen found himself instantly attracted to him. With his genuine, Hollywood smile. His kind nature, the drive to help others in need. His upbeat attitude, his overwhelming love of life. His innocence, his dreams...
So unlike himself.
Alfred stuck to him like glue. Al was never sure why. It made little to no sense.
It was clear the other felt no attraction towards him. After all, he rebutted all his advances. Was it some sort of twisted affection then? The brighter American often showered him with hugs and buckets of attention. Positive attention, even! No one paid such attention towards him.
Many months passed and their friendship only grew. Alfred, an avid lover of meat, with burgers being his favourite food ever, actually stopped eating such things around Allen. He still struggled with animal bi products but Allen didn't really care. The fact that anyone would try to go vegan for him was something he still found hard to believe. And yet, he was touched.
Allen's booty calls went from 'roughly ten times a week' to 'about maybe once a week'. The need for another's touch was no longer as strong. Not when Alfred held him so tight and close. His embrace full of warmth and love.
Love. In the time that had passed his ideas on love had changed too. A slight sliver of hope had risen, a hope that maybe, just maybe, he could be loved. That maybe he could love in return.
That a warm, gentle love was something he deserved.
So when Alfred came to him one day, cheeks flushed and voice full of stutters. When he took Allen's hands with his own, despite how they shook, and babbled and stumbled over his words for the next five minutes.
When he paused, going silent as he squeezed his hands, before a look of bravery set over his face.
When he leaned in, eyes squeezed shut, and kissed him, so nervous and frightened, and yet full of love, a fluttering, shimmering love, Allen returned it in full force.
He was still afraid. So afraid of being hurt. Of being left once the other grew bored of him, leaving him alone once more. Yet he trusted him, despite how much more frightening that was. And for once, he allowed someone in.