This chapter has been updated. I reread New Moon and realized my timeline was off. I've updated to correct that.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but alas I don't.
This is just a little ditty that jumped in my head about something that could have happened in book two after Edward left. While the fic is Bella/Edward, it isn't a happy – yay, we're back together kind of fic. My intention exists that the beautiful New Moon book could continue just as was after reading this story. It's mostly designed to fall into the month pages of the book where we don't get a real idea of what's been going on. Except, of course, that Bella's been miserable. This is my take, and a little more, about Charlie's comments to Alice that they'd thought of sending Bella to Jacksonville but that she'd thrown a temper-tantrum. And, then, what happens after is all me as well. Please review. All comments are welcome. I'm a writer and I'm used to both negative and positive. Please don't hold any punches.
Now, on with the story…
It's been a week now since my world came apart at the seams. While it seemed like almost yesterday, a full six days had passed since I lay on the floor of the forest, wishing the ground would simply open up and take me into its warm embrace. I had never wanted so badly to become one with something. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. I had wanted to be one with him. And I was -for all to brief a period of time. That's why, now, laying here cocooned in my pale yellow comforter, I know nothing will be alright again. I feel hollow, empty, joyless in his absence. How can joy possibly continue to exist in a world devoid of meaning? I'm still surprised that my heart has found the will to continue beating. It has no reason to anymore.
Like I never existed.
His words filter back into my mind as I pull the comforter tighter to me still. He had taken everything when he left. Every little token, every memento I had to hold. But he hadn't taken my thoughts. Honestly, if it weren't for the looks, the concern, the random mentioning of his name by Charlie while he spoke to my mother on the phone, I would have thought I'd made everything up. Some deep seeded fantasy created by my mind.
I wasn't all too surprised when my mom came into Forks. I knew Charlie had been worrying. Honestly, I knew that he had reason to worry. Other than my zombie like movement around the small house when I needed to use the restroom or shower, I hadn't left my bed since that day. I had stopped going to school, stopped eating – except when Charlie forced me to – I'd stopped caring. I couldn't help it. If I allowed myself to care, I'd have to let my heart feel again. I knew that feeling would be my unraveling. At least here, in my room, I could shut out the world; draw my pale yellow curtains tightly against the prevailing daylight day after day. Wrap myself tightly in my protective cocoon and shut out the world.
Even here though, locked away from the world outside, his presence was everywhere. I could feel the tears well in my eyes as my gaze landed on the rocking chair in the corner, memories of his open and loving arms waiting to embrace me. I grasp the sheets tightly in my hand as I remember the feel of his lips on mine, the way he would hold me as I slept, the feel of his hand on my lower back pulling me closer to him, gently beckoning me toward him. No, he definitely hadn't been able to take my thoughts, my memories, and it was these memories that were slowly going to be my undoing.
It wasn't until the door of my room opened and I saw the concerned look on my mother's face that I realized I was crying…again. Charlie stood behind her, his face a mask of grief and concern. Truth be told, they both looked rather terrified. I had never been fragile before. Had never been so devoid of life, so broken. Neither of them knew how to respond to me, how to comfort me, how to interact with me at all.
A part of me knew I should have been happy to see my mother. I couldn't seem to bring that joy to the surface, however, so I just sat and watched as they both started moving around my room. It wasn't until my mom went to my closet and pulled out my suitcase that I finally found the will to speak.
"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice weak and lifeless. I'm not even sure I cared what their answer was. Yet, part of me was curious.
My mother moved away from the small dresser and sat gently on the bed, her hand reflexively moving to brush some of my hair away from my face. She stopped just short of touching me however, and tentatively pulled her hand back, placing it on top of the blankets near my side. Charlie was still fidgeting with something in my closet as she finally spoke. "Oh, sweetie. I've come to take you home. We're going to get you some help. We're going to get you through this."
I played the words through my mind for a few moments, not entirely sure what they meant. I've come to take you home. I sat up suddenly then, causing both Charlie and Renee to jump slightly, taken by surprise. This was probably the most movement Charlie had seen from me since Sam Uley brought me back from the forest. "What do you mean home?" These words came out stronger, almost biting at the air around them. Both of them seemed quite taken aback.
"To Jacksonville, baby" my mom answered. "There are some really good facilities there. " Renee took a step away from the bed toward Charlie as she saw the wild look in my eyes. So, this is what they were planning? They were going to ship me off to some facility. Honestly, this part didn't sound so bad. At least no one there would expect anything from me. I wouldn't have to smile, I wouldn't have to feel, I wouldn't have to care. I could just disappear in some room and no-one would have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn't be anyone's problem.
But, in Jacksonville? Even as the rational part of my mind started arguing with the emotional side, I felt myself moving off of my bed in a flurry. I wasn't honestly very aware of my actions as my brain raced a mile a minute. Jacksonville. Where the sun always shone and he would never be able to come find me. At least here, in Forks, he could find me again if he ever came back. He's not coming back! A part of my subconscious screamed at me, but I couldn't listen to that. The hope that maybe, some day, he would return was all that I had left right now. It was all that I could hold on to.
"No, no, you can't" I yelled at them, grabbing the items they had already packed into my suitcase and throwing them back out into the room. I had never really been one for melodramatics, but I couldn't seem to contain myself. "I won't. You can't make." The words seemed unable to escape my thoughts completely. They were coming at me so quickly. A true tidal wave of emotion I hadn't felt since the day he left. I was overflowing now, breaking in a very different way than I had that day. Everything was finally crumbling.
My mom took a tentative stop toward me but my hands flew up reflexively, palms out to keep her away. I didn't want her caring comfort. I didn't want her sad eyes. I wanted her to understand that I couldn't leave. Everything that I'd had as a reminder of E- him was taken the day he left. All I had left was Forks. If I left here, I will have lost everything I have of him.
I hadn't realized I collapsed to my knees until suddenly my mom and Charlie were both standing over me. A part of my brain recognized their concern as I knelt on the wooden floor boards of my bedroom haphazardly grasping at the wood beneath my palms. Seemingly desparate to grasp at something unseen. Like a lifeline were somehow hidden below the floor boards. My sobs were coming out in great heaves now and I wasn't quite sure how long I would be able to keep breathing.
And I was shaking. Everything I had tried so hard to contain started assaulting my mind. His face, his eyes, his voice, everything about him was invading my every sense- his sweet words, his intoxicating smell, his loving family I had hoped to call my own some day, and Alice, the best friend I'd ever had. Then, finally, that day in the forest as his words took away my very will to live. In the briefest of moments, everything I'd come to love - all of it was gone and yet still here, overflowing, pushing me to the brink of finally breaking.
I'm not sure how long I sat there, shaking and crying; loosing every ounce of control I had tried to maintain over the last week. Once everything started to subside, I could feel my mom grasping me under one arm and lifting me to sit on my bed. And still I cried. I know she was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't seem to focus on her voice. My eyes had locked on Charlie standing across the room from us and I could see his resolve starting to fade. Finally, his eyes met mine and I felt everything within me start to plead with him, "Please don't send me away."
With the slightest nod of his head, I felt relief begin to wash over me. Unfortunately, this seemed to directly coincide with my mother's form stiffening beside me. She knew I had won. "Bella, baby," she started. It was her motherly instinct to want to protect me. She would never understand that there was only one protector I needed anymore.
"Mom," I cut her off, my voice sounding the strongest it had since that fateful day. "I need to stay here" Where he can find me "I'll get past this. I will." And the thought I'd been toying with for the last week popped into my mind. If ever there was a time I would have been able to get away with it, this was the time. Of course, they couldn't know the real reason I need to go. I'm not even sure I know the real reason I need to go. I just knew, above all else in that moment, that this was something I had to do.
"Mom, Dad," I started. "I know I haven't been the easiest to live with lately." They both watched me with caution in their eyes as a slight laugh escaped my lips. Of course it would be difficult to live with someone who had no life remaining. I was the undead of the un-undead. Knowing about the existence of vampires, I couldn't help but see the sudden irony that I'd become even more lifeless than they were. And they were already dead.
In that moment, I could only imagine what I looked like to Charlie and my mom. I could see some of it mirrored in their eyes, the concern they held for their only daughter's sanity. I knew I had to figure out a way to reassure them I would be fine. Problem is - I've always been terrible at lying.
"There's somewhere I need to go." I started once the ironic laughter had subsided, waiting momentarily for any sign that they were going to interrupt me. Once none came, I continued. "I know you won't understand this. I need you to trust me that this is something I need to do."
"What is it Bells?" My father asked, speaking for the first time since they'd entered the room. From the look on his face, I realized that he would believe me. We were far too similar in some ways. We both dealt with things in our own way. Never really handling things or dealing with things the way others expected.
Stealing one more glance between them, I unconsciously pulled the comforter around me again and took a deep breath. However, stealing one last glance at my mother, I realized maybe now wasn't the best time. I'd need to prove to them I'm doing better. Even if I was only creating a façade, I had to make them believe it. There really is something I need to do. I just know they'll never let me go until they believe I'm on the road to recovery. Now, how the heck am I going to do this?