The Struggle with Awareness
Author's Note: My perspective on who struggles with awareness- might be a bit different from the typical thoughts on this subject. Written from Sweets' POV- and as per usual, I own nothing except the situations I create for them.
Now that I have noticed it, I find it impossible not to see. Every time Agent Booth and Dr. Brennan are in my office, or I meet with them in the lab, or bump into them at the diner the situation is glaringly clear. The confidence I have in my own observation skills has faltered slightly in the realization that it has taken me so long to see what was so obviously always there. I am grateful to Dr. Wyatt for drawing my attention to the matter since this new information changes everything that I had previously assumed about their relationship. When I watch them now, I study the nuances of their connection to each other in a different light and I feel like I have grasped the insight I was missing until this point.
Right now, they are sitting at across from me, bickering in that way they do in an attempt to distract me from my questions during our sessions. As they engage in their patented style of friendly verbal sparing, I find myself admiring Dr. Brennan even more than I previously had. She handles Booth's flippant remarks with great skill and manages to steer the conversation into a spiral of frustration for him. At last, he sighs a huff of capitulation and turns his attention back to me.
"Anything else we need to cover today Sweets?"
"No Agent Booth- I think our time is up."
"Excellent. Come on Bones, let go!" Booth springs to his feet and ushered Dr. Brennan towards the door. As they depart, their shoulders brush against each other and I see it again. There is a subtle shift to greater rigidity in a spine in reaction to the closeness. It is a symptom of an intense struggle with the awareness of attraction that causes an actual corporeal reaction as they walk out into the hallway. After they walk away, I sit quietly for a few minutes thinking about the two of them before I begin to update my file.
The next day I have to go to the lab in order to provide some profile information to Booth about the latest case. As I enter the lab I scan the platform and note that neither Booth nor Dr. Brennan is in sight. Progressing along to Dr. Brennan's office, I am surprised to hear her laughing when I am a few steps away from the door. When I glance around the corner of the doorframe, I see Booth leaning over her shoulder while they both stare at something on her computer screen. Dr. Brennan begins to giggle and Booth also chuckles- their laughter mingles together in a type of melody. I cannot help but smile at the two of them as I watch their interaction. Their emotional attachment is so evident to everyone around them and they have the type of connection that we all hope to find. At times like this I find myself filled with both fondness and envy towards them.
Despite my attempts to be silent, Booth's sniper instinct must sense my presence because his eyes snap up to my face. He moves slightly in order to put some small amount of distance between himself and her. It is only when he has shifted that I notice his hand resting on the back of her neck in a gesture which is both casual and intimate. Clearly, the battle against their mutual magnetic pull that started as they exited my office yesterday is still raging.
"Can we help you Sweets?" Booth interrupts my internal note taking.
"I just came by to provide you with my thoughts on the suspect in the case," stepping forward into the room as I speak, I hand him the file folder.
"Great- thanks." His reply is short and I sense that he wishes I would leave them alone again.
"Sure, absolutely…you know I am always happy to help with cases," babbling an acknowledgement, I back up towards the door. Before I even fully exit the room, I see Booth adjust his position again to regain the physical proximity they shared just before I arrived. She turns her face up towards him and says something that I cannot hear. He smiles and the hand that still rests on the back of her neck gently flexes in an affectionate reaction to her comment. Her own smile radiates back to him and I marvel at their ability to enclose themselves in an emotional bubble where there is only room for the two of them. Just as I turn to leave, I see Booth lean even further forward and whisper something in her ear. That rare Temperance Brennan laughter fills the air again and I depart with it echoing behind me.
More than a week goes by before I see them again and I use the time to edit my manuscript in order to incorporate my new comprehension of their unique interpersonal dynamics. Our next encounter is at the diner where I have stopped for coffee and the two of them are having lunch together. They appear to be lost in thought as they stare into each other's eyes and I don't even bother to make my presence known. I watch them for the five minutes it takes to get my coffee and it is long enough to confirm my new hypothesis of their relationship. As they finally break their gaze, Agent Booth turns his head to glance out the window, but Dr. Brennan's eyes remain focused on him. I sense that he has just revealed something to her that is making him feel vulnerable and she is concentrating all her energy on making sure he knows that he, and his past, are safe with her. Her hands are folded tightly together on the table and her jaw is clenched- she is engaged in the daily struggle that Dr. Wyatt referred to when we talked several weeks ago.
All this time I thought I knew who would be the first to admit their feelings and I was confident that I understood their personalities enough to foresee the way their relationship would unfold. Ever since the visit from Dr. Wyatt, I have chastised myself for my arrogance and the mistake I made in thinking that the apparently obvious version of events was the real one. It is not Booth who understands his feelings, it is Dr. Brennan. The trained anthropologist must have recognized long ago the intense pair bonding that was occurring between herself and her partner. Booth still thinks he is not good enough for her and he still believes that she could never have feelings of non-platonic love for him. She is patiently waiting until he realizes that he is good enough and that the feelings she has for him are genuine and deep. Booth gives off the appearance of being more cognizant of his emotions, but he hides his heart more than she does and talks himself out of admitting that it is true and powerful love they share. He just cannot allow himself to risk it yet. She knows and she is waiting. It all became clear to me that night in my office when they showed up to invite me to dinner with Dr. Wyatt. After our shared confessions of traumatic pasts, she gave Booth back his handkerchief. The telling moment was when she did not just hand it over to him, but instead tucked it into his left jacket pocket and gently patted it into place. I could see then how much she struggled with her desire to be able to touch him- and to be free to rest her hand upon his heart in an effort to heal it.