Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
AN: Beware, this is parody of fanon without any real plot.
Warning: Some swearing up ahead and probably some slight grammar mistakes.
Despite his young age Harry Potter managed to devise defeat of most powerful dark lord of the age. Whole wide wizarding world worshiped Harry as messiah who had rescued them from Lord Voldemort's reign of terror. Surprisingly Dumbledore, another Hero of the Wizarding World, managed to get his sticky little fingers on baby Harry Potter on the night of Voldemorts fall. Harry Potter's parents had given their lives so Harry could live, even if for just a moment longer, and was left orphan and Dumbledore placed him with Lily Potter's sister Petunia Dursley. Harry was not the only thing that Dumbledore had left on the Dursley family's dorstep. The other thing was a single letter. The letter however was read only partially, the part Petunia read before throwing the letter away told the name of the boy on her doorstep. The rest of the letter of course must have encouraged abuse of the boy. Why else would he have been left on a doorstep on cold night?
However the Dursleys soon noticed that breaking young baby Potter's will and mind was not going to happen. The child had powers beyond mortal mind's comprehension. And soon the role they intended for Harry to have in their lives, as servant, was pushed on to them. Forced to do Toddler Potter's bidding the Dursley Family rose to power as Britain's most powerful criminal organization. Although the Dursleys were fairly incompetent Harry's sharp wit and precise instructions kept the organization running smoothly.
Finally when Harry's eleventh birthday came one of Harry's closest accomplices, Hagrid, brought Harry the long waited Hogwarts letter. Harry read the letter and asked Hagrid to get Dudley to his throne room. Few minutes later pathetic scrawny child in too big clothes was groveling on Harry's feet. "M'Lord, What does the Celestial Emperor ask of me, a pathetic little worm on your feet." Harry kicked Dudley on the face and walked away, leaving Dudley to bleed on the floor of his throne room.
"Hagrid!" Harry shouted. "Let's go get my things!" Hagrid simply nodded and followed Harry out of the magnificent mansion Harry called home. The young criminal mastermind had devised fearsome plan years ago, a plan to conquer whole magical Britain. And maybe even the whole world if things went well. Now Hagrid and Harry just had to follow the plan precisely and nothing could go wrong.
A bit later Harry and Hagrid arrived at the famous Leaky Cauldron pub and Harry was immediately mobbed by the customers in the pud. Many witches and wizards wanted to shake their saviors hand and to welcome the child hero back to the wizarding world. Harry, who was already very used to groveling fools, kept the attention of the masses whilst Hagrid snitched many purses and even few wands from the customers of the pub. Hagrid then noticed a pure blooded filth, Lucius Malfoy, drinking a cup of tea near the counter. Hagrid implanted the wands on Lucius like Harry had instructed him and begun yelling. "I saw what you did Malfoy! Do you think you can just steal wands from common law abiding folk like that!?"
Every head on the pub turned to Hagrid and soon after to where Hagrid was looking at, on Lucius Malfoy. "I can guarantee I know not what you are talking about. My person has never been insulted so. I demand apologies. For I am pure blood." Lucius said calmly. But soon many of the folk crowding the pub noticed their wand missing and soon after Lucius Malfoy was searched for the missing wands. It did not take long for the DMLE to arrive and Amelia Bones herself took Malfoy into custody. After the excitement at the Leaky Cauldron was over Hagrid and Harry managed to buy Harry's school supplies without any further hiccups.
Few weeks later Harry was pondering his plans for wizarding world whilst sitting in the Hogwarts school train. The train had just departed and a ginger haired young boy, probably another first year student, barged in to the compartment. "Hey Harry! Mate! Best Buddy! Show me your legendary scar! We are so good friends, right!? Right!?" The boy yelled loudly and turned around sticking his head out of the compartment door. "Hear that everyone! Harry Potter is now officially my best friend! He is paragon of light and Dumbledore's number one supporter!" The boy was still sticking his head out of the compartment and Harry decided that enough was enough and cursed the git on the back. The curse harry used was peculiar version of dance curse called 'dance dance revolution' which made it's target wiggle and waggle around pointlessly looking extremely stupid. In this particular case it was Harry's cover up for what he had planned for the next thing he had planned for the boy. "Depulso!" Harry whispered and hit the ginger boy with banishing charm. The ginger haired idiot plunged out of the compartment wobbling all around the corridor and in the end fell out of a open window. Harry shrugged, he hadn't intended to kill anyone but no one would connect the 'great Harry Potter' with a homicide.
Few hours later, after Harry had shooed off heir of Longbottom family, a bushy haired girl opened Harry's compartments door. "Have you seen a toad? A boy named Neville has lost one." The girl then stopped for a moment and stared at Harry. "You are Harry Potter! I've read all about you in Harry Potter and the Harem of Pureblood Princesses and Harry Potter and the Dirty Mudblood Sluts." Harry blinked slowly, clearly confused why such a young girl would have read such books but soon realized the girl must be the 'silent bookworm' type who stereotypically were all huge perverts. "Yes of course, those are hundred percent accurate accounts of my heroic actions. If you desire to know more you can always buy the rest of the books and I will be happy to 'discuss' them with you." Harry said, wiggling his eyebrows at when he said discuss. The girl blushed, nodded and then ran away from the compartment.
The train had finally arrived at the Hogsmead station and students were streaming out of the train in to the platform. Harry then heard familiar loud voice yelling. "First years, gather around, first years here!" Hagrid lead the first year students to board decently sized boats. The boats glided on crystal clear surface of calm lake and soon magnificent sight of Hogwarts castle was revealed to the students. Harry felt something coming towards him and erected invisible shield to block what ever it was. He then felt spells take hold of every other students wands and Harry realized he had just blocked the trace being placed on his wand. The students passed shallow underground passage and where they landed from the ships. Hagrid then led them to big wooden gates of the castle and knocked twice. The door was opened by elderly witch dressed in emerald green robes. Hagrid cleared his throat and said. "Firs' Years, Professor McGonagall."
"Thank you Hagrid." The witch said dismissively. "First years, follow me!" The witch lead the students to lounge and spoke again. "The sorting ceremony will soon begin. You will all be sorted in to one of four Hogwarts houses. Gryffindor, where all proud and proper witches and wizards come from. Ravenclaw, a decent second choice after Gryffindor. Huffelpuff for those who probably are lost causes. And finally Slytherin. For those who are obviously dark." McGonagall looked around the first years and then continued. "Your houses will be like your families for your time in this school. Although if you get sorted in to Slytherin you will probably be stabbed on the back and left to die." The witch then left and after a commotion caused by several ghosts passing by she returned. "The sorting will now begin, follow me."
Harry had already heard about illustrious charmed roof of the Hogwarts great hall. The roof truly looked like the sky outside. He heard a brunette, the grill from the train Harry noted to himself, whispering to other girl next to her. "The roof was enchanted by Harry Potter. I read about in Harry Potter and Naughty Ravenclaw Head Girl." Harry shook his head. The books he had made Hagrid publish worked a little too well as propaganda to advance his plans to over take Wizarding Britain.
Some of the students were sorted and it was now Harry's turn. "Harry Potter!" McGonagall read from the scroll of parchment on her hands. Harry walked forwards and sat down on the stool where the sorting hat was placed on his head. "SLYTHERIN!" The hat shouted immediately. The great hall was suddenly completely silent. And soon Dumbledore stood up to stand. "Unfortunately, for the first time since the sorting hat was made, there has been a mistake in the sorting." Dumbledore said but the Sorting hat begun yelling. "I surely have not made any mistake here! This boy is the most ambitious person I have ever have placed on. His place is in -" Dumbledore interrupted the sorting hat by using silencing charm on it. "As I was saying Harry Potter is not dark wizard who would be placed in Slytherin and as paragon of light will be part of Gryffindor House!" Harry just shrugged and walked to the Gryffindor table. He didn't care where he was sorted or what the old codger wanted of him. It would probably be easier to accomplish his plans from Gryffindor house.
AN: I hope no one took this seriously. I have warned twice already that this is parody of fanon.