Cardin Winchester chewed on some Old Spice at the cafeteria. His teammates were not present with him.
For some reason, he felt so lonely. Ever since Jaune Farce proved that he was manly by decapitating a Ursa Mayor, politics at California spiraled out of control, and Cardin felt like shit. He felt bad for making fun of Jaune's lubricant, so when he tried to give Jaune back the elephant he stole from him so many months ago, he felt shittier when Jaune said that even Velvet Scarlatina looked a little better than the elephant.
Why? Why did he feel so not-nice?
Suddenly, Nora barfed out Cardin Winchester, who chewed on some Old Spice at the cafeteria. His teammates were not present with him. For some reason, he felt so lonely. Ever since Jaune Farce proved that he was manly by decapitating a Ursa Mayor, politics at California spiraled out of control, and Cardin felt like shit. He felt bad for making fun of Jaune's lubricant, so when he tried to give Jaune back the elephant he stole from him so many months ago, he felt shittier when Jaune said that even Velvet Scarlatina looked a little better than the elephant.
Why? Why did he feel so not-nice? And why were there two Cardins?
"Dafuq," the first Cardin muttered, his eyes wide in surprise. "Dad, what're you doing here."
"What're you talking about, big brother," the second Cardin muttered back, his eyes also wide in surprise. "I'm not your father."
"Am I an illegitimate child, then?"
Cardin No.2 shrugged as he lay on the table covered in Nora's saliva.
"Maybe."
At this, Cardin No.1 began to cry, only to look up from his sorrow. Right when he looked up, he saw Cardin No.2 exploding into a bunch of Faunus ears, revealing an armored truck with the word "Winchester" glittering on its windshield.
It was beautiful. Cardin fell in love with Winchester.
"MINE!" Cardin shrieked as he somehow jumped into the truck from above. Turning the car on by sticking his finger into the key hole and twisting it, Cardin felt life roar into the truck.
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Because guess what? He did not need to apologize to no Faunus. He was an strong, independent man who made even Andrew Jackson cry over his patriotism. Doing a barrel roll inside his truck, Cardin hit the gas as hard as he could, driving straight into a bunch of students.
The gore was fantastic. Guts splattered all over the Winchester, and he even saw an Adam's apple. The Winchester was amazing! It had the capability of showing what the insides of a Faunus looked like! Only when a Faunus's head collided against the windshield, however, did Cardin realize that Faunus had four freaking ears for some reason.
But there was no time to think about four-ears or the two-faces he was making with the truck. He just needed to keep moving on.
No need to apologize, and no need to think about the crying children! Just the Carmageddin mattered in Cardin's world.
He laughed as one of the truck's wheels got stuck on Nora's stomach, making her scream in volumes he did not imagine to be possible. Soon, he got a paint job for the Winchester! Magnificent! He even got extra credit on his Grimm Studies exam by making a much bigger scar on Weiss's scar! The accuracy was real, raw and uncut.
And when he accidentally let the Winchester utterly tear apart a black-and-red dressed girl, he found the Winchester get itself a new windshield-wiper. Turning on the wiper, he watched a Rose's intestines carefully clean every single corner of the windshield. Now, the letters that spelled out "Winchester" shined red!
Red like roses.
He ran over a couple Faunus. One dark-haired Faunus with a bow on her head had two weapons pointed straight at him, but the Winchester was so awesome, it turned her into a red pancake plastered with ketchup. The pancake's arms twitched.
"Well, that was flattering!" Cardin exclaimed, making a pun that would make even Yang cringe.
Oh wait. He flattened her eyes, so she probably wouldn't be able to see the flattening of the black and red pancake, anyway.
Soon, the Carmageddin came to an end by the time he ran over tiny little Jaune Arc himself. Stopping right in front of your computer screen, Cardin made a shit-eating grin as he lifted Pyrrha's (slightly severed) head, announcing,
"Carmageddin! It's good for your soul. Hitting shelves (literally) after fifty more years of development. Only on the Atari Jaguar."
Ozpin suddenly entered the cafeteria. Looking at the mess Cardin made, Ozpin put up a thumbs-up as well.
"You're doing well as a Huntsman, Cardin. Good job."
Cardin ran over Ozpin as well, which Ozpin approved of as well. Meanwhile, Glynda Goodwitch finally got married with a Ridley Scott.
Sky Lark bolted up from his bed, his eyes wide in surprise as he pondered over what he just dreamed of.
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"...That was fucking stupid."