It was raining. The sound like a murmur, a humming regret. Rin was already soaked in remorse. She was shivering in sky's repentance. She didn't ask for this and yet she was given this, shoved at her arms as if she could find a solution. But life seemed to be known by this, by its randomness. Just an ordinary day, making their way from one point and another and then suddenly destiny was there, asking for directions. Rin wanted to confess that she wasn't one to indicate such things when she was just going about as such, just as lost. Though before she could utter a sentence it left, leaving behind a wet trace of tears.
Now they were in a cave, sheltering themselves before they could catch any of the regret. And even though the fire burned fiercely, warming very inch dry Rin felt some symptoms, she felt like biting her lips, like backtracking, like thinking things over again and again.
It felt like a sign from fate, telling her she made a bad decision. Because how can you explain that just when she made the verdict to join Sesshomaru the skies were already groaning in protest. Was not the thunder and lightning whispering her 'you did wrong', 'you're stupid', 'you're naïve' any indication enough?
And, yes, yes Rin already felt very sick and she was very scared to tell this to Sesshomaru, afraid tell him she had suspicions, presumptions, symptoms of regret.
Their third companions, Jaken, had left when Sesshomaru told him to "look for a more comfortable refuge" because it appeared this bad weather would be staying with them for a couple of days. And that felt like a rock had drown in her stomach acids. She felt like vomiting.
Rin shivered, biting back her tears, trying to ignore the voice that told her 'you wouldn't be here if you stayed behind.' She swallowed ten more rocks.
Rin was looking at the fire as if there in its fiery cord was all her answers, all her prayers, all her wishes and if she looked more closely, more deeply she would find them. But three things hit her when she thought for a moment of reaching out, of grabbing the solution, of not waiting any longer. One: She would go completely blind if she waited, if she kept looking for a solution. Second: she would burn searching for a solution. Third: she cannot thrust her problems on other and expect them to solve them as the rain did to her; she must learn to carry it all.
Rin shivered again, never expecting she'd be so alone.
"Are you cold?"
Rin snapped her eyes at Sesshomaru, shocked that he even spoken to her; it seemed that he had not directed a word to her until now.
It took her a moment to analyze his words. Hypothetically speaking she was cold. She felt empty and sad even though she thought that this moment would be the most happiest in her life. But she guessed that in all sense of the word she was cold too. Just like the monsters hiding inside come out and play at night, so does your sadness and sorrow. If she was cold inside it just made sense that she would be outside too.
Rin didn't know if she should nod or shook her head.
But it wasn't like she could make a decision before Sesshomaru wrapped his mokomoko around her shoulders. He then sat across from her.
Rin was even more shocked, she didn't know how to compute this situation. The only logical thing to do was to thank him, to nod, then to remain mute after as if she left, as if her body was just a vessel and her soul decided to travel for a million seconds.
"My Lord," Rin said.
And this is the bad thing about traveling, somebody else takes control. Something darker, more sinister. Rin feels like she's watching it from a stand point. Like a nightmare where you can't move but things still keep happening outside of your control.
He looked at her as if saying 'go on'.
"I'm cold," Rin said, shrinking back, drowning in mokomoko. The only thing that calmed her was that this thing smelled like him, she felt like she was close to him, like he was taking care of her. "I'm scared." Then something hit her.
But it was like a war was raging inside of herself. Apart of her was telling her to stop, to not say anything. She had already made a fool of herself why would she will herself to be more ridiculed. But there was something inside her, stronger than any of her strengths and even though she didn't want to it was like she was punched in the face when her lips curved the words, when the sound escaped her mouth.
"Hold me."
Sesshomaru looked her directly in the eyes not missing her pupils. He looked almost disgusted. Yet Rin doesn't understand why she had expected a different answer.
"No."
She was even surprised that he didn't spit venom as he answered. With or without she felt the effects as if it did. She was dying but at the same time she was yet to find her end, as if staying alive was punishable as it was.
By the look that painted in her face he explained. "You are being unreasonable, Rin. You are completely irrational. I see that staying in that village tough you nothing."
Rin was amazed she took control of her feeling so quickly even though she really wanted to sob. "I apologize My Lord. You are right."
After, they stayed in complete silence until nightfall. Or at least Rin thought it was nightfall it was hard to tell with this weather.
"Lord Sesshomaru Jaken is yet to come. Should we not look for him?" it was also clear that he wouldn't be arriving soon. The rain had turn from bad to worse; if he had found shelter somewhere he had probably stayed there for the night as to not risk going outside any longer but if he hadn't found anything he was probably struggling out there. Rin hoped for his sake that he was out somewhere save. But she wasn't that concern, Master Jaken was intelligent and could come up with some smart solution. Though it didn't hurt to ask and be if a little concern for her friend.
"No," was his answered. "If he weren't to come back we would search for him tomorrow or when the weather clears."
"Oh, okay," she said silently.
After Rin couldn't distinguish night from dark she laid down and accommodated mokomoko as to have it as a cushions and blanket, whisper a quick goodnight and tried to fall asleep. It took her a while before slumber reached her entire body, conquering her slowly. Then suddenly it was like a chain was tied around her waist and at the end was a big bolder drowning her. It would take much for her to wake up clearly.
Rin conjured a dream.
She knew that it was a dream, her imagination manifesting itself in her subconscious and yet she could feel the suspense as if she knew something horrible was about to happen, felt the dread tapping at her shoulders and when she turned around there was no one there. There was laughter, as if all the voices and teasers who always took her admiration for her lord as a joke thought she had lost her mind. 'Some hopeless fool you're being' they said. 'Love, don't ever think he'll care for you, he's a monster' they said. 'You might as well grow old waiting for the moment he'll take you away' they said. 'Things like that never happen' they said.
Yet yet yet yet yet yet
Rin wanted to tell them "Yet I'm here."
Rin wanted to tell them "You're right."
Rin found herself in a vast space surrounded by darkness, there was nothing in sight or around or up or down. She couldn't quite figure out if she had her eyes close or if they were open. But she couldn't move her hands to find out.
A sudden terror over took her. The scariest part was that she didn't quite knew why. It reminded her of when she used to go to the fields outside the village and though she was supposed to gather herbs she'd just sit and stare at the clouds as they swam by, sadness taking residence in her heart. As much as she wanted to remember she couldn't recall when she opened her doors and let it in. So she did what she always did when she caught herself like this. She whispered his name.
Rin felt like something clawed at her side, as if trying to rip her skin off. She started to breathe rapidly, her heart trying to run away from the person tearing her to pieces yet to realize it was caged forever. Now it was inside her head, ripping the cities and kingdom, a whole reality and a whole truth with a single touch. A tear ran down her face and it burned like they were torching her face. She screamed.
She woke.
Someone was shaking Rin's shoulder. Was calling her name. She snapped her eyes opened and gasped, breath heaving.
"Rin!"
Rin sat, finding that Sesshomaru was gripping at her shoulders way to tightly, his brow furrowing. Her eyes stung. She blinked as she made eye contact than broke away, grabbing both his hands. "Please, it's hurting me"
It took him a second to understand what she meant before he pulled away. There was awkward silence. "Are you alright?"
Rin looked at her hands. She swallowed, feeling her throat rough and tired. Had she been screaming?
"I don't know," she whispered. "What happened?" and she looked up at him. He looked at her quizzically as if he was trying to figure something out.
"You had a nightmare," he answered, matter -of -factly as if it were a normal thing like stepping on Jaken.
"Oh." Of course.
"You sounded like a dying animal," he added.
"Oh." She felt her face hot, her eyes burning, remembering all too quickly.
"You were calling my name," he added, looking at her as if trying to find an explanation. "Why?"
Rin wished she didn't have to answer and as an alternative could just stick her head in the ground, if that's even possible. But she had no chose and if she didn't he would insist. She felt like something was boiling inside of her. "Because I knew you wouldn't answer."
Sesshomaru took his time to consider her words, let them sink in. He looked at the ground for a second than back at her. "What do you mean by that?"
Rin wiped at her eyes and then sighed. "I'm tired my lord, I want to find rest again."
"Very well," he said than retrieved to the far side of the wall and sat down. Rin turned the other way as to give her back to him.
Rin stayed awake as she pretended she was asleep, keeping a relax breathing as her thoughts ran breathlessly inside her head. This was what she wanted since she was small and even before he had dropped her off at the village. To be by his side always. But then he stopped visiting her altogether within a couple of years, each visit taking longer than the last. She wondered constantly if time could truly erase memories, if with a few million minutes more she forget her lord too.
She wondered if he would ever come and take her.
Not that she hated the life on the village but she always knew her life was bigger than tending to the sick and caring for the young. Rin knew she would always be curious and sort of nosy, the world around her hiding so many mysteries that she wanted to unravel and solve and she felt like a prisoner of her own freedom that she begged- prayed that one day she find her outlet, her release and she'd finally be free.
But one day she overheard her lord's brother arguing with his wife about something she'd forgotten altogether when she heard her say. "It doesn't matter if you don't want to anymore you made a promise and if you don't want to you know you have no other choice, you can't break it. You know that."
A promise. Sesshomaru had made a promise to ask her a question regarding her stay or departure of the village. She had known the answer the very day he had left her there but did he? Did he regret what he promised? Was that why he didn't come visit her? He was trying to prolong the moment in which the decision would be made because he didn't want her there even though he knew he had no other options because he promised.
It was a very scary thing for her to think about but never the less very real and possible. The more she thought about it the more it made sense. The more it fit together the more dread she felt. All this time she waiting for her lord, falling in love with his absence and here he was regretting it all. It was breaking her heart all over again like the very day she realize it.
But she was the stupid one because when he had asked her "Do you chose to go with me or stay here?" she could have said no, spare him any more regret and misery. And rather she said "Yes" and repeated until the rain inside her manifested itself into the outside world.
Yes, of course. Yes yes. Yes, you might have forgotten me but I haven't forgotten you. Yes, yes I will go with you. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
"Rin?" Sesshomaru's voice was low, concern.
Rin started to sob as silently as she could, without opening her eyes for fear of seeing his face contorted in disgust. "Yes yes yes yes"
"What's the matter?"
Rin took a deep breath. She was making a scene and a stupid one at that. She can never show this to him again. She has to suck it in, take control.
Rin opened her eyes, her vision blurred and she smiled at the white figure kneeling in front of her. "I'm fine. Go rest my lord. I'm fine."
He didn't say anything and stayed where he was, calculating invisible problems as always. She was about to tell him to leave her alone when he spoke first. "Is this all because I didn't hold you when you ask me to? This Sessho-"
"No," she said quickly, sitting up. She wiped her face clean with her sleeve. "No, that's not it."
Then what? his silence seemed to say.
She tried to look him steady in the eyes without feeling like her heart was about to break. "I want you to take me back. To the village."
Rin should have known that adventures such as sailing a number of seas or climbing the tallest of mountains, finding a secret kingdom buried a million aways down the ocean and catching a rabbit with its ears where silly things she had imagine she would share with Sesshomaru. She should have known her place, where she belong and will always belong. There was no place in his life for her. He had all eternity while she had a couple of decades.
"Is that what you wish?" he asked her, as if he knew that deep down she was lying.
This, she thought, could be a perfect way to fix it. She could say no it's a joke and everything would be fine. But then she'd wake every night crying.
"Yes," she said.
"Tomorrow morning when the weather clears I shall return you your to the village." It felt like the last words a murderer would tell its victim before it stab them in the heart.
And for the third time he retreated to a corner and she tried to rest her head, even though she knew that was the last thing she will ever do.
Even though she felt like she'd been punched in the stomach she felt at peace, relieved. Maybe now she won't feel the heavy guilt killing her, telling her to run as far away as possible. Or the impending sensation that she wasn't wanted. Sure, it be a little shameful returning to the village and feel their burning stares that say they told her so but at least that wouldn't matter as much as feeling alone.
"Why?"
His voice surprised her, there was so much silence it was almost palpable. She thought perhaps she had miscalculated and she could find sleep after she had cleared everything as to dream this time. She was wrong, horribly.
It was hard for Rin to decipher the monotones of his voice because she could feel something underneath it. Irritation? Annoyance? Hurt?
"What do you mean?" Rin knew what he meant.
"Why do you want to return to the village?"
It was a single question. A heavy question that sank deep in the depths of her mind. Another slap to the face. Did he had to make everything so excruciating?
"Because." She said lamely.
A beat-beat of silence.
"That's not an answer."
She stood slowly, mokomoko sliding off as she did. She took a deep breath before she turn around to him. "My lord, must you make everything so painful? I don't want to be a bother, that is all." She couldn't catch her tongue before she added, "A fool would have gotten that."
One look at his face and she threw herself on the floor. "I want to sleep now. Would you let me for once?"
Sesshomaru looked annoyed, disgusted. This is the second time he has done it in less than 24 hours. This must be another sign that it was all wrong.
"By all means do," his voice sounded angry, "I have not stopped you before."
Rin couldn't bite back the sarcastic laugh that escaped her and she didn't regret it once she saw his face. Shocked, disgusted again. Of course she had only dare to give him genuine smiles and laughs in the past. This, she thought, must be a surprise to him.
"Truly, Sesshomaru?" she didn't want to add 'lord' to her sentence. She can only go as falsely about as she can. "Do not tell me that! I have yet to sleep today because of you."
"That has not been my fault," he sounded outraged.
"And the last nine years," she said at the same time. He looked at her surprised and Rin wondered if he will ever stop using his appearance so loosely. It just goes to show that he doesn't know her at all. "Because you've kept me waiting and waiting… and waiting."
He seemed to want to say something but thought against it. "And now that the waiting is over I have to wait some more because apparently now I'm disgusting…"
His eyes flashed and he opened his mouth. "Rin-"
"My lord!" shrieked a voice at the entrance of the cave.
Rin didn't know whether she should be glad or disappointed. Jaken rushed to them dripping wet, trying to dry with the fire.
"Jaken."
"My lord I found shelter not so far away. It took me a while to discover it with the wind and the rain but it will be sufficient-"
"It does not matter," Sesshomaru interrupted as he closed his eyes, resting his head at the wall of the cave, "tomorrow we will try to return Rin to her village."
"But but but-"
"Apparently she changed her mind," he said as way to end the conversation.
There was a stretch of silence that Rin interpreted as the final words they say to each other for the night-or morning. Maybe in a few more hours she would have enough dignity for a final formal goodbye.
This time sleep found her in the interval at a corner of her head.
In the morning the skies were a scowling gray but the rain had stopped, the air was chill. Rin gather what little she had brought and waited until they would head out to bring her back.
In a second she watched Jaken rushing out, his small legs carrying as hard as they could.
"Wha-"
"Jaken left to find breakfast," Sesshomaru said behind her as a way of explanation.
"Oh." But I'm not hungry she wanted to add but it was still too awkward to try and be witty again. That's what happens when you are in the dark. It makes you brave.
Rin looked up at the sky. Could she wait a few hours more?
"Rin."
"I'm sorry," she sighed the words. There was silence as if he were weighing what she said. It surprised her that their life revolved around silence lately.
"Stay."
Rin heard a bird singing and her heart keeping a steady beat to the song. It took her a million seconds to find her voice. "What?"
"Stay." He said as easy.
"Why?"
"Because."
She blinked. Then she refocused her eyes. "That's not a real answer."
"Well, it seems senseless to make a decision believing you've made the correct one when you haven't."
"But you're annoyed with my presence."
"Who said I was?"
"My lord!" Jaken came running back. "There isn't anything eatable around here. The rain must have washed away-"
"Good news, Jaken," Rin said. "Looks like I'm staying after all."
"What?" Jaken gasped, out of breath.
"What?" Sesshomaru said.
Rin smiled at Sesshomaru. "I guess I was wrong." And she looked at him as if he tell her no, daring him to.
A/N: one shot I do not own Inuyasha or their characters r &r