Warm. Too warm.
Hinata shifted in his bed, sighing in annoyance and running fingers through his hair, now messy and greasy from sweat. His insomnia had struck again, making him lie there for what seemed like a small eternity, his limbs uncomfortably tangled in the bed sheets and thoughts wandering restlessly. Everything felt so hot, even his pillow was disgustingly warm when he tried to bury his face in it. He muttered a curse under his breath and rolled over, but it turned out to be pointless, as much as every single position he'd tried by now. Still, he really needed sleep. His eyelids felt very heavy, but as soon as he closed his eyes, Hinata's thoughts would start getting crazy, making him question things and jump to disquieting conclusions instead of letting go and drifting peacefully off to sleep. Too much had happened the day before, he figured. Still, now was not the time to investigate or analyse facts. He needed to let his body and mind rest and gather energy for the next day of work... (If attempts to survive an abnormal mutual killing program could be called that.)
Or at least that's how it should be, he thought bitterly.
Hinata groaned and decided that yes, he was giving up at this very moment. He untangled his legs from the sheets and left the bed, almost tripping over a chair. He quickly restored his balance, though, and picked up his shirt from where he had left it the day before. But as he was about to put it on, he thought that maybe taking a quick, cold shower would be a nice idea.
Hinata let out a sigh of comfort, enjoying the feeling of cool drops of water travelling down his spine and getting rid of annoying sweat. It felt a bit cold, but he didn't mind it, since it was still better than the warmth of his room. After getting dressed he hurriedly towel dried his hair and left the bathroom. His room looked dark and inviting, but he could feel the hotness of the atmosphere there which he didn't feel like experiencing again. Instead he decided to go out for a while. Considering the recent events it didn't sound like the safest idea, but he brushed off the thought as soon as it appeared. He wanted to taste the air of the night, expecting to find it calming and refreshing. After all, weren't beach strolls generally considered a healthy and enjoyable experience? Especially late at night. Hinata knew he was ignoring the most crucial part of the plan, the "I can easily get killed if I act recklessly" part of it, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to care. He just needed to rest and put his troubled thoughts at ease. What could possibly be better than admiring the calmness of the sea at night? Damn, he really needed to stop sounding so cliché.
The night was beautiful. The sand felt warm under his bare feet, but nonetheless Hinata could feel the light touch of a gentle breeze on his face. He closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling of the cool wind nuzzling his cheeks. It was so calming that he wanted to lie down on the ground and fall asleep right there, right then. He glanced at the sea, almost invisible in the soft darkness, and found himself unable to avert his gaze. It wasn't like he could really see the reflection of sparkling stars or waves gently caressing the sand by the seashore. But he knew all these elements were there. They were all present in the darkness and therefore they were also part of himself. The night swallowed him thoroughly, but he didn't mind it, to be honest, he enjoyed the feeling. It finally put him at ease. He listened to the gentle hum of the sea, his unsettled thoughts finally slowing down and gradually disappearing. Hinata knew his doubts and fears would eventually return again, presumably sooner than he'd expect. But as for now, he didn't want to remember. The darkness' embrace was sweet and alluring and for once he felt whole and entire, as if his memories hadn't been erased.
"Hinata-kun?"
Hinata wanted to scream, or die from a heart attack, or preferably both at once. He yelped and turned back to glare at the person who spoke, a part of him already aware of who it was.
"Ko-Komaeda!" he said accusingly, trying his best not to show how fast his heart was beating from the shock. God, this guy was going to be the death of him one day.
Maybe even... In more ways than one, he thought bitterly. He quickly shrugged off the uncomfortable thought. It was not a right moment to be suspicious of Komaeda.
Wait. He just met him in the middle of the night, walking on the beach for no particular reason. If that wasn't suspicious, then he could as well return to the sauna of his room and hit himself with the air conditioner he didn't have.
"Wha-what the hell are you doing here?" he asked, shooting him a reproachful stare.
Komaeda was smiling brightly, looking as unreadable as always. Hinata sometimes really wondered what he was hiding behind his carefree expression. It was so hard to determine which of parts of the boy's cheerful babbling were lies, and which were not. Now when he thought about it, there was also a possibility that all of them were fake. Go figure, with this guy anything could happen. That's why he decided not to care too much. Komaeda's chattering didn't bother him at all though, it was nice to have someone to talk to. Still… Sometimes Hinata really felt he didn't know his companion at all, and doubted if he should trust him. He wasn't even sure when exactly he started trusting Komaeda, but apparently it must've happened at some point. Or rather, it might've not been trust, it resembled more something like a silent agreement between the two of them. Komaeda was the first person he met here, after all. Who would he believe, if not him in the first place?
Even though that was how the things were supposed to be, recently Hinata had been finding it harder and harder not to be doubtful of Komaeda. Something was slightly off… There were times when he could feel that he was just touching the surface, that the real shit was about to happen… soon. Also, the very same something gave him the feeling Komaeda would play a big role in what was about to occur.
Nonetheless… Whenever the pale boy flashed him a gentle smile, Hinata found it really difficult not to believe him. He didn't know why, but he felt somewhat connected to him. Or even responsible of him. He felt obliged to pay the debt, since he wouldn't have found his place on the island if it wasn't for Komaeda, who showed him around and helped him accommodate. No matter how annoying the white-haired boy could be, Hinata still was grateful. And he genuinely wished that in the end Komaeda would prove he's worthy of everyone's trust and care. It was clearly visible how the other students looked at him. But, surprisingly to Hinata himself, whenever someone glared at Komaeda or gossiped about him, deep inside Hinata felt bad for him. He didn't want to admit it, obviously, since he didn't know why it bothered him. But, even though he was determined not to show anything to Komaeda, he couldn't deny the fact that, to some point, he cared. And, maybe, maybe he could call the weird, skinny boy his… his friend.
"Hinata-kun? Are you listening?"
Hinata suddenly realised he'd zoned out for a while, lost in thoughts again. He focused his gaze and found out he'd been staring at Komaeda's skinny collarbone. He felt his cheeks redden a little as he quickly averted his gaze, glancing at the sea instead. He really should eat more.
"What made you come here at this hour?" he said, regaining composure. The dark, calm mass of water sure was really helpful at times like this.
Komaeda was by his side, holding his shoes in one hand and ruffling his messy white hair with the other. His lips were again widened in a sheepish smile.
"I guess I just came here to gather my thoughts. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping."
"Oh."
Hinata couldn't not notice the way he looked in the moonlight. His skin seemed even more pale, but his grey eyes were bright and glittering and that made him look not as worn-out as he would in the sunlight that usually brought out the unhealthy colour of his skin, his eye bags and boniness. Now there was something indescribable and mysterious to his appearance, in the way his flashing gaze contrasted with the darkness surrounding them. Hinata was under the impression that Komaeda's smile held a second, deeper meaning. For a moment it was so sweet that it looked almost painful. Hinata blinked, realising he was staring again.
"Me too." He muttered. It came out a bit harsh, but apparently Komaeda didn't mind.
They stood there for a while, both of them silent. Hinata didn't know what to say, since usually it was the other boy who couldn't wrap his mind around the concept of shutting up.
But now it was different. Hinata would expect it to be awkward, but surprisingly it felt somewhat natural. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of fulfilment spreading in his heart.
"It's a pity we can't see the sea." He said finally, breaking the silence. He sat down on the beach, facing the coast. His feet were starting to get cold, so he buried them under the sand. After a minute Komaeda joined him, sitting on his legs, leaning towards the same direction.
"Does it bother you, Hinata-kun?" his voice was quiet, barely louder than a whisper.
Hinata hesitated.
"No."
"Actually, I don't mind it at all this way" said Komaeda, and Hinata glanced at him only to see that he closed his eyes and dropped the usual smile. He still seemed positive, but more distant. "I mean… Even if you can't see it, the sea is still there, right? So for you it doesn't make a difference."
The stars were dusky and barely there, but the moon was making up for it that night. Hinata almost forgot he was supposed to be sleeping, not to mention all the troubles that had happened and had yet to come. He forgot that he wasn't supposed to completely trust Komaeda and feel safe in his presence. He forgot that even moonlight didn't excuse certain things and certain proximity.
Is he talking about hope again? The question crossed his mind, but he didn't voice it aloud.
"But… if the sea disappeared, we wouldn't know. We would still sit here like a pair of idiots" he said lightly, and Komaeda chuckled. Hinata realised he's smiling, and didn't know what to do about this fact.
"Maybe. Still, Hinata-kun. Would it change anything in this moment? As long as you hope the sea is there, everything else is meaningless. Even if it really did disappear, your hope remains as bright as always. It's not about whether the sea is there or not, it's your hope that matters the most."
I knew it, was all Hinata could think before Komaeda laughed again and it stung him directly in the heart, because the boy sitting next to him didn't feel like a part of the familiar darkness anymore.
The night was beautiful, but now it hurt. He didn't know why, but looking at Komaeda's tender smile also hurt, something in his chest shifting uncontrollably and painfully. It felt nostalgic and Hinata looked up at the half-visible stars to make sure the moment was as ephemeral as he thought. He surely didn't want to admit it, but the melancholy of now made him want to scream, to shout into the void of the dusk, to fill it with his voice and retrieve the intoxicating feeling of completeness he enjoyed so much.
And then he noticed Komaeda looking at him.
"What?" he whispered, a bit embarrassed, as if the boy could read his mind. Was he trembling? Were his palms sweating? Did he look as small and pathetic as he felt?
"Don't be scared, Hinata-kun." Komaeda smiled. "You won't be killed, at least not in a while. I sincerely hope I'll be killed next. It would be amazing to be a stepping stone for all of you, especially Hinata-kun. By the way, this is a perfect opportunity for you to-"
"Shut up." Hinata kicked the sand above his feet and shifted on the ground, changing his position. Now he was facing Komaeda, not entirely sure why the sorrow in his heart was accompanied by anger and why it still was so hard to breathe. "Shut up, stop… Stop mentioning it. "
"I'm sorry" Komaeda smiled again, and now Hinata felt like punching him just to get it off his face. "I thought it would make you more comfortable with what we're about to deal with tomorrow."
"It… it didn't."
"Sorry."
Komaeda was again staring at the sea, smiling silently. He looked so vulnerable in the moonlight, as if he were miles away, forever beyond anyone's reach. He pulled his legs up to rest his ankles on his knees. His currently dark grey coat was spread on the sand behind his back, and for some reason it seemed even lonelier to Hinata's eyes.
"ryu 'ld?"
"Did you say something, Hinata-kun?"
Hinata groaned internally, then repeated, his cheeks warm, but for once it wasn't uncomfortable. He felt feverish, and for a second he wondered if he was going to be sick tomorrow.
"Are you cold?" he said, glaring at the boy next to him.
Komaeda's eyes widened, suddenly reflecting more of the stars than before, but then Hinata remembered there were no stars that would shine so brightly that night. They were close, he noticed, he could almost touch his hair, fluttering in the gentle wind. His skin looked really pale and soft and almost transparent. Would it hurt if he touched it?
Hinata leaned back instantly, horrified, and let out an uneasy cough. He glanced back at Komaeda, but his shocked expression made it impossible to avert his eyes again.
"Are… are you cold, Hinata-kun? Do you… Do you want to share my coat?"
Hinata felt warmth spreading on his cheeks, and also felt like punching himself in the face with one of the rocks next to him.
"Wha-what are you… Komaeda, it wasn't funny!"
"Your face was priceless, Hinata-kun! Though, I know you wouldn't want to share a coat with garbage like-"
"You've got that wrong." He fixed him with a death stare and without thinking wrapped his arms around his back, pulling him into an awkward hug. He heard Komaeda gasp, but he didn't say anything. It was stupid, so stupid, but he realised he just needed to hug Komaeda, and wanted to think Komaeda needed it as much.
He breathed in his scent, and suddenly it felt so right, more calming than the sea, and the night, and the darkness. He rested his head against Komaeda's and focused on his quick heartbeat, so close to his own. He certainly did have a fever, but he gave it little thought.
Komaeda shifted in his arms, but it was only to return the embrace, his hands resting against the back of Hinata's neck. It was weird. It was with Komaeda. Why. Why of all people…
Hinata ignored his thoughts again, closing his eyes and enjoying the new feeling of closeness. Whatever the reasons were… He wanted to explore it. He wanted to help Komaeda, to show him it wasn't like nobody cared about him. Hinata cared. Only to some point, obviously. But he did.
The sea was probably still there, but he couldn't care less. The darkness was again sweet and tender as they held each other and Hinata could've sworn he heard Komaeda whisper a muffled "thank you" against his shoulder. He blinked, white, soft hair getting in his eyes, but he didn't reply. It was warm, but not too warm, and the only thing left to do was hoping for the sun to never rise.
A/N So there it is, my first posted fanfic in English! I hope I didn't make too many mistakes, and if I did, sorry! It took me a long time to make my mind and post a work in my non-native language, so I'd much appreciate it if you didn't kill me X3 Thanks for reading and I HOPE you have a nice day (or night, which, I suppose, is more likely).
