Written by: Roland Chang (e-mail: prayudhi@uninet.net.id)
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
[Scene: A public library, Ross enters and heads to the desk with the young male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. I'm looking for an old book called "Introduction to Paleontology". It was published in 1923, if I'm not mistaken.
The Librarian: (sarcastically) Well, that book is one of our most wanted books, you know!
Ross: Really??!! (smiling) See? I knew my students would actually read a book I'm suggesting.
The Librarian: (annoyed) Can't you just check on the computer? We have a complete catalog.
Ross: Yes, I know—but some students are still using it after I wait for 35 minutes, so I don't wanna disturb them.
The Librarian: (sarcastically) Because they're hard-working students.
Ross: (shyly) No-no. It's mmm….it's because one of them is really really big.
The Librarian: Fine. What's the name of the book again?
Ross: "Introduction to Paleontology".
The Librarian: Wait a minute.(he types into his computer.) It's on stack 907.
Ross: Thanks. (waits) Hey, isn't uh-isn't somebody going to help me find it?
The Librarian: Oh, don't worry, I'll help you personally. But after I finish with my important task over here, okay? (shows Ross his Archie's Double Digest. Ross is not smiling anymore.)
Opening Credits[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Rachel are there.]
Phoebe: Damn, I still can't believe that you guys engaged!
Monica: Why, Pheebs? You're not being jealous, are you? Oh my God, you were in love with Chandler too, don't you!!
Phoebe: How did you know?!! (Monica panicked) Just kidding, Monica! (pause) I lost a bet with Rachel.
Chandler: Ooh, a bet? How much, how much?
Rachel: Just a little over three hundred and fifty dollars. (to Phoebe) I told you they were gonna last.
Phoebe: Yeah. (pause) Damn, I knew I should have done something in the last minute. (makes a kissy face and winks at Chandler, and Chandler makes a kissy face too. Monica glares at Chandler.)
Chandler: What??!
Monica: You never make kissy faces at me!!!
[Scene: Paleontology section. Ross is searching for his book.]
Ross: (while walking) Stack 903, 904, 905, 906, 908, 909… (stops) Hey!! Where's 907? (turns around) This is 908, and this is 906… (stops and then pointing the top of the rack.) Hey! 907! But I can't reach it. Oh, here's a ladder. (starting to climb up the ladder.)
Old Woman's Voice: Excuse me sonny, can you tell me where you keep the sex books?
Ross: (answering without turning around) I think it's upstairs next to the biology section.
Old Woman's Voice: Thank you. (pats Ross on the butt.)
Ross: Hey!! Excuse me…. (turns around) Phoebe?! That's not funny!
Phoebe: (still mimicking an old lady) Don't you want a little geriatric lovin'?
(Ross is not amused.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, and Rachel still sitting around as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey you guys.
All: Hey Joey!
Chandler: So? How the audition goes?Joey: It sucked. Another rejection again. You know what, I think now I'm seriously going to consider Estelle's idea this time.
Rachel: Really? What is it? Uh, is it to write your own movie?
Chandler: Teach a soap-opera class again?
Monica: Oh, I got it, I got it! She told you to do a radio show, didn't she?
Joey: No. (pause) She wants me to do gay porn.
Rachel: Attaboy. (taps Joey in the head.)
Joey: (seductively) You like that, don't you Rach? (gasps) I mean…. I don't wanna do gay porn! I'm straight!!
Rachel: (seductively) Well, you never know until you try it, don't you stud?
Chandler: (angrily) Yes Joey, now bend on your knees and do your job!
Joey: (scared) Monica, I'm scared.
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, don't scare Joey with your personal experience.
Rachel: (gasps) What?! Chandler?? Have you…. (Chandler glares at Monica.)
Monica: I mean, don't scare Joey with your dad's experience.
[Scene: Paleontology section. Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Ross: (climbing down the ladder) Pheebs, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, you know me. I really really like books. A lot.
Ross: Pheebs, look at you, you're lying! C'mon, tell me the truth.
Phoebe:Okay, it's the free porn.
Ross: (loudly) Free porn?!!
(Everyone's staring at Ross).
Ross: (loudly) Oh, you mean free phone!!
(Everyone's shaking their heads.)
Ross: (in a more normal voice) I didn't know you can get that kind of stuff here.
Phoebe: No, not stuff. The real-life action!
Ross: Phoebe?!! I can't believe you! You're watching people making love at the library? You are a freak! You're sick!!
Phoebe: You did it too, didn't you?
Ross: (shyly) Yeah, sometimes.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are still there.]
Chandler: (reading a newspaper) Hey hey, check this out! Here Joey, read this! (giving Joey the newspaper.)
Joey: Ashley Judd's married? Come on dude, you're making me more miserable here! I don't have a job, and now my future wife's gone! (to the newspaper) I still love you Ashley.
Chandler: No, you sick man! Read the news under it!
Joey: (reading) "The sequel of Basic Instinct is on the brink of being cancelled because the producer can't find a leading man." Hm, that's strange. I don't think those National Geographic movies need a leading man.
Rachel: National Geographic?! Joey, what're you talking about?
Joey: (making a quote sign) It's "Basic Instinct". I thought it was a movie about animals… and how they mate and stuff. Is it?
Monica: Close enough. But it's not about animals.
Chandler: It's not?!
Monica: Chandler! How can you forget our first make-out movie! (Chandler mouths, "I'm just kidding!")
Rachel: (confused) Make-out movie? What's that? Some movie that you watch while you….. (realizes) oh.
Monica: Yeah, it's about a detective and his suspect…. (shyly) and how they mate and stuff.
Joey: Really?! (excited) How come I didn't know about it?
Chandler: Well, it's not really your kind of movie. (Joey looks confused.) Well, this one has a story, and there are people talking too.
Joey: Oh yeah, definitely not my kind of movie.
Chandler: But they must be desperate right now. I bet if you talk to Estelle, she will try to get you an audition for it!
Rachel: Oh my God honey, I can't believe you're going to star in this huge movie!
Joey: I know! Okay, I gotta go! Thanks, Chandler, you're the greatest friend.
Chandler: You're welcome. (Joey exits.)
Monica: That is so sweet, Chandler.
Chandler: Nah. I just want to hear how he got dumped by Sharon Stone.
Commercial Break[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, the next day. Everyone is having breakfast, except Joey.]
Rachel: Did anyone hear what time Joey comes home last night?
Monica: No. Why?
Rachel: Well, it's not normal for him to stay up so late.
Phoebe: Oh, Rach, you don't take those Excedrin P.M. again do you? You know, it's not good to take them every day.
Ross: How did you know?Phoebe: Well, I kinda try it myself.
Chandler: Wow, that explained all the weirdness about you, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Chandler, I did it years ago, you haven't even met me!
Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry, Pheebs. Because you know--when we met, I thought you are very normal.
Phoebe: (not realizing it) Thanks!
Rachel: No honey, I didn't take anything. But Joey must've coming home really late, because I didn't hear a thing.
Chandler: Well, you know, he only comes home really late when he hooked up with someone.(realizes and pointing to Joey's door) Oh my God! He's in there with someone! Someone from the audition!Rachel: Oh my God!! Joey's in there with Michael Douglas!!
Monica: Rachel! Joey's not gay!
Rachel: Well, he must've been trying my advice then. I told you, you never know it until you try it. I know it doesn't work on me.
(Everyone looks at Rachel funny.)
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Okay, okay. I'm very very curious right now! Who wants to volunteer and peek through Joey's keyhole?
Chandler: (shocked) Monica! (pause) That's a very good idea!
Phoebe: I think Ross should do it.
Ross: Why-uh-why-uh, why me?
Phoebe: Because you went to the library the whole time.
Ross: (not amused) Hey, I thought you went to the library the whole time too.
Phoebe: But these people don't know that you are a…. (Everyone's listening.) A nice person.
Ross: (gives up) All right, all right. I'll do it. (Walks to Joey's door.)
Rachel: All right, Ross. Tell us all. Tell mama all!
Chandler: Tell papa too!
Ross: (crouching and not amused) Hmph…. okay, there's a foot, a thigh, and… oh dear God!
Monica: What, what? Is it really Michael Douglas?Ross: No, but I think I just saw Joey's mmhhm…. (shyly) royal subject.
Phoebe: Come on Ross, you don't have to act so innocent.
(Everyone except Ross was trying not to laugh. Ross is shocked.)
Ross: Phoebe did it too!!
Rachel: No-no-no, don't worry honey… now we all know why you love to spend a lot of time in the library.
(Everyone laughs now.)
Monica: Come on Ross, don't be so upset. Now go back to that keyhole and peek some more!
Ross: (dejectedly) Okay. (Ross crouches and peeks again.) Sorry guys, I can't see anything. Maybe if I try to…
(The door opens slowly, and Joey finds Ross crouching behind the door.)
Ross: (standing and turns to everyone behind him) I told you my finger couldn't fit the keyhole!Phoebe: Won the bet!
(Joey oddly tries to close the door really fast.)
Chandler: (teasing) Hey Joe! Why do you have to close the door so fast? Is there something you're hiding back there?
Joey: No. (pause) There is nobody in my bed.
Monica: Joey….
Rachel: It's Michael Douglas, isn't it?! See? I knew you would listen to my advice.
Joey: Michael Douglas?! No, Rach! I told you, I'm straight!
Chandler: Then who is it Joey?
Joey: Well… it's uh—it's uh-
(Joey's door opens and a beautiful woman wearing a robe comes out. Yeah, you're guessed it right. She's Sharon Stone!)
Sharon: Oh—I didn't know so many people live in this apartment.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The library's Paleontology section. Ross climbs a ladder, still trying to find his book.]
Old Woman's Voice: Excuse me sonny, can you tell me where the books about sex are?
Ross: (smiling and shaking his head) How about I take you home and teach you what you need to know.
(Ross turns around, expecting to see Phoebe again. He looks down to see an elderly woman standing behind him.)
Ross: (Gasps) Oh God, I am so sorry ma'am.
Old Woman: It's ok dear, but I think I could teach you a thing or two.
(The elderly woman grabs Ross' butt and winks. Ross stands completely frozen. The woman walks away, laughing. Ross is still unable to move.)
Ross: (thinking) Oh no, this is high school all over again!
End