Thoughts
By: hitomi-kun
Summary:
What is Aoshi's psyche like? If given a chance to look inside his mind…what would we find?
I can't help but think how much of a difference you stepping into my life would have made. A lot of things would've changed, that's for sure. You could have helped to reform me into something else…something much more pure than what I am today. Something more deserving and worthy. Worthy of what? you might ask.
Well, that would be none other than you.
I do not wish to taint you with the darkness in my black soul. That would be unforgivable of me were I to do so. To drag you from the light and submerge you in murky waters is unthinkable. The mere thought of sullying your innocence is enough cause for me to stay away from you. I know that my leaving on that rainy night has done so much more than mar your naïveté. An apology would be insufficient. To return would be shameless.
I have put too much at stake already. I must avenge the deaths of my comrades. Duty and my loyalty to them compel me to do so. They gave up their lives – their future – to me when I was at my weakest moment. Have you any idea how that feels? To be helpless. To have no power in you to do anything in order to alter fate. Of course not. If there's one thing Okina is good at, it is shielding you from the harshness that is reality.
You could not possibly understand my need to be the strongest. For what it's worth, I am not doing this for myself. No. It was never about that since the beginning. Gaining that title is my tribute to them; I owe them my life. I was a disappointment to them when they were living, their deaths will not be for naught. I will make sure of that.
God knows that I have done a lot of things I'm not exactly proud of in the past few years of my bleak existence. I've done things that you wouldn't even dare to imagine let alone conceive me to be capable of…things that would definitely make your blood run cold.
Some people might think me a monster because of my cold exterior and the frank brutality which I handle matters concerning me. Some even say I am inhuman. Incapable and devoid of emotion. How wrong they are…
You see, I was not always the emotionless bastard that I let other people perceive me to be. In the back of my mind is a person – a child, really – that hungers for love and laughter. A child that wishes to experience what it's like to really live. I know that he exists along with memories of you and the life I've lead before I turned into an abomination of mankind.
Even if I wanted to – and I really do – I can't just forget everything that's happened in the past and start off with a clean slate. That's not how it works in my world, I'm afraid. It takes more than that. A lot more.
But then again, I long to set the child in me free.
I want my innocence back.
I crave for freedom.
I yearn for change.
I seek serenity and deliverance within and without me.
I really do…but…I'm scared…
I need someone to help me through all of this.
I need…you.
Misao…
I need you…