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Polemos
War
"Is that what it feels like when you phase?"
I don't answer. I bite my tongue to keep from snapping at her. I'm taking it too personally, I know.
She was afraid; she was just pushing me to get my ass in gear and save us all. But it hurts. God, it hurts. Every cell of my body seems on fire. The Helix feels like a black hole, pulling at me to disintegrate and merge with it. I thought I'd never be able to pull myself free and, even now, it takes all my energy to stay solid and not let go.
That's what it feels like when I phase, Shal. It feels like dying, like losing myself in a world of static, like falling apart and burning, every molecule burning.
You'll feel nothing but a buzz and a sense of detachment. You float while I crash and burn.
I can only hope that if you knew what it's like for me, you'd never have pushed me into a situation that could've so easily killed me.
Shalimar. We've known each other for such a long time now. I don't understand why you feel the need to subscribe to Brennan's low opinion of me. I'm happy you found someone you seem to be falling in love with but I resent that you put me down just to get in his good graces. There's no real need to order me around, you know; I follow your lead most of the time anyway.
"Do it, Jesse!"
Fuck you, Shal. You weren't the only one afraid.
We're back at Sanctuary now. I'd still rage if I weren't so fucking tired and empty. I still hurt, even the blast of a hot shower and a couple of painkillers don't ease the pounding in my head and body.
Stretched out on the bed, I stare at the dark.
"You can try!"
There you go, Shal. I tried; I actually succeeded though it nearly killed me. But thanks to you, I know now that I have more power than I ever taught. So, thanks.
"Is that what it feels like when you phase?"
No. That's what it feels like when your friend cuts the safety-rope to save herself.