What is this feeling?
It was vast, all-consuming; comforting and terrifying at the same time. She tried to examine her thoughts and feelings—to come up with a concise and logical explanation for everything, like she always did. But the knowledge slipped through her fingers every time, just when she was on the brink of comprehending. She struggled fiercely with it, and yet she knew in her heart what was plaguing her. She was in love; deeply, hopelessly, and impossibly in love.
It was a selfish love; selfishness was not something Lettuce Midorikawa was accustomed to. Being in love with the greatest foe she would ever encounter was not good, not by any means. Time and time again, she had let her friends down, her fellow Mew Mews, because of her selfishness. Howcould she be expected to put her heart into fighting, into winning, when it was already so securely in the hands of the enemy?
Every time, she chose him. It was not a voluntarily choice, not a conscious one. She couldn't bring herself to hurt him, to raise her weapon against him, even though that meant he could succeed time and again in hurting the people and the things she loved, in hurting her. She was choosing him over her planet, over her whole species.
Lettuce bent her head against the angry wind, pulling her sweater tightly around herself. She glanced up worriedly at the ominous, roiling storm clouds. Why hadn't she brought an umbrella? She'd meant to grab one before leaving home, but for some reason she'd forgotten. This kind of incident wasn't new; even her cheerful, optimistic parents had been expressing concern for her health lately. She was preoccupied and anxious; she had trouble sleeping and eating. Her grades were dropping, too, a fact Lettuce did not take lightly. She was falling apart.
And now she was outside, alone on the streets of downtown Tokyo, far from shelter, about to be caught in a thunder storm. Her errands had taken longer than expected. She kept forgetting things and having to double back for them. She hurried, anxious to get indoors before the storm really started. She was running along the outer edge of the park now, the first raindrops already starting to splatter on her glasses. She rounded a corner, nearly slipping, and then skidded to a halt.
His presence struck her like a bolt of lightning; she stood there, taking him in, just as the first flash of visible electricity split the sky in two. He was hovering in an upright position in mid-air, facing away from her, calmly overseeing a large, black avian kirema anima. The monster was flapping its large wings into oncoming traffic; people ran screaming from their cars as vehicles began to slide backwards, some tipping over and rolling due to the wind the giant bird was generating.
Lettuce stood frozen for a few seconds more, before a horn honking angrily at the delay in traffic snapped her out of her trance. She reached for her cell phone, only to discover she'd forgotten it at home along with her umbrella. She jumped as another flash of lightning lit the sky, covering her ears to block out the crashing thunder that followed. There was a low whining sound, and all at once the lights in the surrounding buildings went out.
She felt her knees start to shake as she realized what this meant: she wouldn't be able to contact any of the other Mews. She knew for a fact that Ryou hadn't installed a backup generator in the café; everyone but her was oblivious to the attack. She was completely alone.
Why did it have to happen like this? With no one else there, she'd be forced to direct all her attacks at him, and take the full force of all of his. She felt her eyes begin to water. She'd never had to fight alone before. She wasn't strong like Zakuro, optimistic like Pudding, determined like Ichigo or self-assured like Mint.
And she loved him so much. Her heart ached at the thought; she was pathetic. Every blow exchanged between them would tear her apart; surely she could not survive that. But people would die if she didn't act quickly; was she really contemplating shirking her responsibility as a protector of Earth? Could she be that selfish? Could she be that weak? Another terrified scream made her decision for her. Dashing quickly behind a tree to avoid being seen, Lettuce fumbled in her pocket for her power pendant, grasping it tightly, bringing it to her lips to activate it.
"Mew Mew Lettuce, metamorphosis!" The rain drowned out her voice, but the transformation took hold nonetheless. Lettuce closed her eyes and let the warm light envelop her and lift her off the ground, feeling her senses sharpen, her limbs grow stronger; shedding her weak, human skin to become powerful and confident.
Only now, she was filled with fear and dread and piercing sadness. Her feet touched the ground once more, dry now inside her boots. She felt terribly unbalanced. Usually being a Mew made her feel so sure of herself, so fearless, as though she had the power to make everything okay. But today, in the pouring rain, in the worst situation she could possibly conceive for herself, she just felt like Lettuce; helpless and inept. The howling wind masked the sound of her approach as she crept toward him. Forcing her limbs to move was hard. It was even harder to summon her castanets into her hands.
Lettuce stopped a safe distance away by a tree and stared up at him, her vision not impeded in the least by the rain streaming into her eyes. She both rejoiced and despaired at this fact; she was free to gaze at him in perfect clarity, to take in every detail: his dark blue hair, looking almost black now because of the rain; his strong, athletic body and smooth, pale skin; the way he carried himself so seriously, with such calmness and dignity, even in the middle of a raging thunder storm. She was completely mesmerized by the sight of him and more than a little afraid.
He was facing away from her, arms crossed, absorbed in his work; his exposed back was a perfect target. She had a direct shot, a chance that might never be offered to her again. If she acted now, she could bring down their most intelligent, most experienced, most formidable enemy; she could finally do something useful.
But she couldn't hurt him. Not him. She couldn't make herself say the words that would destroy him, couldn't raise her weapon against him. Lettuce cringed as her heart ached again, more painfully this time, her fingernails digging into the wet bark of the tree. She yearned to do what was right for her friends, what was right for her planet. But she couldn't. She was going to ruin everything.
It was always her fault.
Her hands shook – having nothing to do with the cold air – and her castanets chattered together, small bolts of energy sparking from them. She stood there in the rain, feet slowly sinking into the muddy ground, taking him in. She was fighting her madly pounding heart with every beat and steeling herself to speak, to make her presence known, to attack, to do something.She whimpered quietly, and then gasped in horror as his ears twitched and he turned slowly to face her.
The world crashed to a halt. The chimera anima dissolved suddenly in a burst of light and feathers, leaving the large black crow that had hosted the parasite to fly away. The pouring rain and the growling thunder were silenced as his eyes locked onto hers. All the raging typhoons in the world could not have had the same affect on her as his eyes - his cold, intelligent, stormy, beautiful eyes. Lettuce cowered.
All at once he came to life, almost falling out of the air as he swooped toward her. She didn't have time to scream, to react in any way. And then his arms were around her. They tightened swiftly and commandingly around her shoulders, pulling her tight to his chest. He hugged her so hard her feet left the ground. He pulled away slightly then, his hand lifted to cup her cheek with surprising tenderness, his lips found hers, and they were kissing.
There was no time to be shocked, or self-conscious. There wasn't time to think. How could she even dream of wasting time floundering with her emotions, with her foolish thoughts and worries like the helpless wretch she had been for so long now, when she could be feeling things like this? Pai's touch electrified her, sent her senses colliding into each other, and brought her to life. Every thought that had been reeling through her head came to a screeching halt; all of her fear, her worry, uncertainty and self-doubt were blown away by the fire his skin ignited on hers.
In a rush of adrenaline and passion she threw her arms around him, an almost automatic reaction to the desire that was burning in her heart, pulling herself closer to him. She stood on her tiptoes, now running her fingers through his hair, down his face. She trailed her fingers across his smooth chest as his lips moved with hers and she melted into him; not thinking, not forcing herself to care about anything but that moment. It was bliss.
Then his body tensed in her arms and she found herself suddenly leaning into the air; she floundered wildly, trying not to fall over. She looked up in shock to see Pai materialize a few feet in front of her, hovering in the air again. His face was hard as he raised his fan above his head, a wild, terrifying emotion Lettuce couldn't quite place burning in his eyes.
"Fuu Rai Sen!" Lettuce's survival instincts kicked in just in time for her to lurch clumsily out of the way of his attack; the white-hot electricity crackled past her, missing her by an inch. She felt it heat the rain water on her costume, scalding her skin. She clutched her side in pain, struggling to understand what had just happened, the reason for his unexpected show of passion and tenderness, and now this even more unexpected attack.
Tears began to form in her eyes as she studied his face, leaving warm tracks on her already wet cheeks. She had let herself hope. She had actually believed, for a few blissful moments, that everything was going to be alright. That she could find a way to save the earth and love Pai at the same time. She had believed she could be loved. She fumbled numbly at her feet for her dropped castanets, hindered by the renewed shaking in her hands. Her lips burned.
"Why?" She found herself asking. The word resounded in her mind and in her ears as she repeated it over and over. She jerked backwards as he raised his fan again, her feet slipping in the mud, shuddering as she tried to force herself to focus, to fight. She continued to back up, holding her castanets before her, trying frantically to summon the rushing, crackling energy into them like she'd done so many times before. She stopped trying to see him as her tears obscured her vision, going through the motions of defending herself in a stupor. Her feet dragged across the ground, moving her ever farther away from him.
"Retasu!" She froze, swaying where she stood, as his voice rang in her ears, painfully clear; she flinched as she felt him collide violently with her, his arms wrap around her tightly and the ground disappear from beneath her feet. The distant sound of screeching tires and a honking horn faded away below her.
Frozen out of shock for a few long moments, Lettuce began to worry when her feet did not return to the ground. Tentatively, she opened her eyes, and nearly screamed as she saw the streets and buildings of Tokyo sprawled out far below her. It looked as though the entire city was blacked out.
The wind was far worse up here; rain drops stabbed her skin like needles. Cringing into Pai's chest, she looked up at him in a bout of wild fear. Was he going to drop her to her death? And then she saw the look on his face.
Never had she seen a pair of more tortured eyes than the ones that were now gazing deep into hers; rage warred with hope, fear with desire, and tenderness with cold, analytical indifference. She gasped as she felt his arms loosen their hold on her, and then tighten around her convulsively. Her breath caught in her throat and she stared wide-eyed at his conflicted features, nearly slipping out of his grasp again and again as he continued to war with himself.
A thought struck her, the first coherent thought she'd had all day. They were flying high in the air in the middle of a thunder storm. He could be killed if he stayed aloft much longer. "Pai-san!" she shouted through chattering teeth. "P-pai-sain, the l-lightning!"
Everything dissolved into pitch-black silence and the air was squeezed from her lungs. Lettuce wondered if she'd died. Then the world came crashing back into existence; the wind resumed its ceaseless roaring, cold rain pelted her skin, and mud spattered her clothes as she landed feet-first in it. They were in the heart of the park now, standing beneath a secluded tree, far away from the streets of the city. She was acutely aware of Pai; arms still wrapped around her, pulling her tight to him, cheek now resting on the top of her head. He was shaking.
Lettuce felt her knees begin to weaken; his embrace made her feel so safe, so warm. Her hands balled into fists at her sides and she squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to control the shuddering sobs that were beginning to wrack her body. He was going to kill her. She was trapped in his arms, powerless to fight him even if she was free to move, powerless to save herself or fight in the absence of her friends.
Powerless because she loved him, with all of her heart. And now he was going to kill her.
"Just do it." She whispered. She knew he would hear her. "Just do it and be done with it." She sank to her knees as Pai suddenly released her, and cringed instinctively away from the killing blow she knew would soon follow.
The rain continued to fall; nothing happened. "What are you waiting for?" she cried, tears once again blurring his face as she looked up into it. "Kill me, do it now!"
"No." His voice rang out clearly, some unknown emotion boiling in it. Lettuce blinked at him, and flinched again as Pai sank to his knees as well. He caught her hands in his, gazing into her eyes with a fire that burned into her very soul.
Suddenly he lunged forward, placing his hands on the ground on each side of her, forcing her to lean back; his face was inches from hers. "My entire life, I've been able to find every answer to every question I've ever had. But you, Retasu, you've changed that. I've never been more confused than the first time I laid eyes on you. You made me feel emotions that were completely alien to me; your modesty, your quiet drive to prevail against us, and at the same time your constant pleas to make peace with us. You confused me to no end. For the first time in my life I questioned my goals, wondered if what I had always striving towards was the right thing after all."
Lettuce felt her heart pounding in her chest as she stared at him staring at her. What was he saying? Was this even possible? She knew it had to be a trick, but she couldn't bring herself to believe that the tenderness in his eyes wasn't real.
"It was tearing me apart, this uncertainty," Pai continued more tenderly, taking Lettuce's hands, pulling her into a sitting position. "And it terrified me. With each passing day, I had new thoughts, new hopes, of a world where your race and mine walked this planet together in peace. I was terrified because I was sure this was impossible. I was afraid I was eventually going to do something rash, something that would require thinking for myself instead of following Deep Blue's orders blindly, mechanically, as I'd been doing my entire life without a second thought. And every time I saw you, I felt myself more and more drawn to you, started thinking of you more and more; I was falling under your spell and you didn't even realize it." He trailed his fingers across her cheek lightly, painting a rosy blush across her skin.
Lettuce sat perfectly still, entranced. If he meant these words that he was speaking now so urgently, so passionately… Her heart fluttered in her chest and she was struck by the depth of her feelings for him. She hadn't realized how much she'd really loved him; hadn't realized how much she'd yearned to be with him just like this, until this very moment.
"I decided to kill you." Lettuce froze as his voice grew cold and the hand that had been caressing her cheek clenched into a fist. "I vowed that the next time we met, no matter the circumstances, I would erase the source of confusion, the source of my dangerous new revelations. I would end your life." His brow furrowed, eyes moving to the place on her side where his attack had scalded her skin. Lettuce followed his gaze; his fingers shook as he touched the burn marks lightly.
"But I didn't expect that when next we met, we would face each other alone. You looked so vulnerable, standing there in the rain, so innocent." There was a note of desperation in his voice now, his words becoming more frantic. "I couldn't hold back my desires any longer – and when you returned my kiss, when it seemed like you felt all the same things I did, I despaired all the more. I almost killed you, injured you even though my heart wasn't in it. I teleported you out of the path of that vehicle, the thing that would have done the job for me; and even after that I couldn't decide, couldn't bring myself to deviate from the battle plan. I was about to drop you, from all those miles up. I almost-"
"Pai." Her voice rang out, loud, clear, and confident for the first time in her life. She marvelled at this briefly, rejoiced in how light she suddenly felt, how free. He was staring at her, taken aback that she'd broken her long silence. She felt a wild surge of fear in her chest as she prepared for her next words, the sensation of standing at the edge of a cliff. "Pai," she repeated, "I- I love you."
The world stood still again as she waited for his reaction; her cheeks began to flush and her throat constricted as he continued to stare at her silently. She counted the beats of her heart; two, then four, then six. And then - Pai smiled. It was glorious to behold, awe-inspiring, the way his features transformed. His face was no longer cold and alien, but radiating with tenderness and joy. Lettuce was breathless as he stood up, pulling her to her feet as well. He cupped her face in his hands. "You must know by now, dearest Retasu, that I love you too," he whispered, and brought his lips to hers.
Her arms encircled him, holding him to her tightly, now trailing her hands across his back, running her fingers through his hair. They revelled in each other's warmth as their lips and bodies moved in perfect synchronization, each trying to delve into the other's soul. Lettuce smiled against Pai's lips as his joy flowed into her, savouring the feeling of every line of his body on hers, memorizing the curve of his lips, the deep resounding beat of his heart.
Lettuce pulled away first, flushed, holding back a giggle as Pai leaned with her, unwilling to end the kiss. "All I ever dreamed of was peace, you know." She smiled at him shyly, grasping his hands tightly. "Every time we would fight, I felt like dying, because I knew there was something better. And…" She trailed off, staring at her shoes. "I always knew I loved you. But I never dreamed that you could love me, too."
"You think too little of yourself, Retasu." Pai hugged her to him tightly. "You are beautiful, intelligent, selfless and kind. You have a heart purer than any angel or saint. You are all of these things and you don't realize it. You are perfect." Lettuce pressed her cheek tight against his chest, trying to hide how deeply she was blushing.
They stood like that for many minutes more, content to hold each other, to listen to each other's hearts beating. The rain continued to fall around them, pattering quietly now, gently washing the mud from their hair and clothing.
Pai pulled away only when Lettuce shivered, holding her at arm's length. "Standing in the rain like this isn't good for either of us." He smiled at her warmly again, making her chest swell with happiness. "Shall I take you home?"
Lettuce pondered this for a second. "No, I think I'd like to walk. My house isn't very far from here, and I'd like some time to think." She smiled.
Pai nodded, suddenly serious. "But before we part ways, I must promise you something. Before today, I believed that peace between our races was impossible, even though I wanted it for myself so badly. But if you want for it Retasu, I vow to find a way to give it to you. Kisshu and Taruto, their hearts have long belonged to two of your fellow Mews." He smiled. "I think you know which ones. They won't be hard to convince; I've suspected that they wanted this for a long while now. I was the only thing standing in the way.
"If we unite our forces and work together, we will find a way to save my planet and yours. I promise, Retasu, from this day and forever after, your people and mine will be at peace." He placed his hands on her shoulders, kissing her first on the forehead, then softly on the mouth one final time. Lettuce smiled wonderingly and touched her tingling lips lightly as he disappeared. She felt like she was flying; hardly believing how completely her mood, her whole life, had changed in the last thirty minutes.
Under the current circumstances, she knew it was impossible for them to be together, but she could be patient. Pai would fulfill his promise no matter how difficult the task seemed; she was sure of it. She would never have to fight him again. His people would soon walk the earth in harmony with hers; and then they would be together. Everyone would be friends; there would be no more battles, and they would be happy. She smiled again as the rain began to let up, the sun breaking serendipitously through the clouds, making the whole world glitter and sparkle.
Lettuce breathed in deeply and threw her arms wide, turning her smiling face upwards into the sun. She would wait for him.