Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: A collaboration between Spaztic Arwen and the Almighty Mimbi. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Once upon a time there was a friar named Carl. He wished that he could be a squirrel. Why a squirrel? You may ask. We still are not sure. Regardless, ever since he had been a little alter boy Carl had dreamed of becoming a squirrel. So one day, Carl went out to forest to find his squirrel friends. On the way, he bumped into his human friend, Van Helsing.

"Damn it!" said Carl.

"Carl!" said Van Helsing. "You're not supped to curse, you're a monk!"

"Actually I'm just a friar so I can curse all I want." And he did.

"Sorry to break it to you, Carl, but you've just been promoted. You are officially a monk."

"Damn it!" Carl screamed and stormed off. Now he really wanted to be a squirrel. They need not worry about being a monk and not being able to curse.

At last, he came upon the home of his squirrel friends.

"FuFu!" he called. "Where are you?" FuFu was the great and regal, not to mention cuddly King of Squirrels. But the great Lord of Rodents was no where to be found.

"May I help you?" asked a high-pitched and heavily accented voice. Standing high above in a tree was a black squirrel that might have frightened Carl less did it's eyes not glow an evil red.

"What have you done to FuFu?"

The black squirrel laughed maliciously. Suddenly, Carl's squirrel friends slid out from the trees and crawled towards him slowly with a strange look in their eyes. Carl let out a scream which resembled that of a five year old girl. He looked about for an escape found that he could not move. The squirrels were closing in, their buck teeth bared. They launched themselves at Carl, moving in for the kill!.. ... ...

It was at that moment that the friar awoke drenched in sweat.

"Wow, and I thought I had nightmares." said Van Helsing, who had broken down the door of the lab to see what was causing the screams within. "Squirrels?"

"Yes, squirrels. And it sucks that I can't be one."

"Carl, you're a monk now, you can't…"

"I AM A FRIAR!!!!! Jezum Crow, can you at least get that right?!"

"Um, sorry to disappoint you, but you've kind of just been promoted."

Carl paused. The strangest sense of Déjà vu came over him.

"I have to go talk to FuFu!" and with that, he raced out of the lab.

"FuFu?" Van Helsing decided that perhaps he would rather not know.

At that moment the lab filled with the regal…or perhaps just annoying presence of the Cardinal.

"Where is Brother Carl? He has yet to appear for his monkly duties."

Van Helsing shrugged.

"He said something about a FuFu or perhaps it was F-you."

The cardinal was aghast.

"He is a monk now! He should not be cursing."

"Well," Van Helsing defended, "Technically, Your Eminence, F-you is an abbreviation."

"He should not be abbreviating either!"

Poor Carl, thought Van Helsing, can't even abbreviate.

"Now my son, we must get down to business. The Forces of Evil have employed a series of strange new tactics…"

Due to a short attention span, Van Helsing lapsed into a fit of silent angst, and all that he heard after that was, "Bladdie Blaa Blaa Blablabla bladie blabla squirrels."

It was 'squirrels' that had caught his attention. Hadn't Carl been rambling about squirrels earlier?

"What was that last part?"

The Cardinal muttered something about monster hunters with ADD before resuming.

"The Forces of Evil have employed a new kind of minion, one whose guile is only surpassed by its agility."

"Squirrels?"

"Must I repeat everything?"