A/N this story is purely humor, I had help on the story from my good friend Witch of Darkness. It's high quality cocain, very crazy, very random. But the ending of it... well, you'll see. All started with my pity of Havoc, Roy always gets Riza so I decided to switch it around for once.

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, this would be part of the story, not bad fanfiction.

Dear Roy,

I've left with Havoc. It never would have worked out between us, please don't

look for me.

Sincerely,

Riza

The paper slipped out of the colonel's hands and lightly fluttered to the ground. The office door opened and Hughes walked in, second to come in that morning. "Hey Roy- wait, are you okay?" Hughes stopped, walking over to Roy. The man sat down, his mouth agape. "You know it's creeping me out how you're not saying anything or moving," Hughes said, hovering over him, "You aren't going to turn your head around in a three-sixty and start puking are you?" Roy shook his head slowly from side to side, as though not quite sure that he wouldn't. Hughes frowned, noticing a piece of paper on the floor and picking it up.

Hughes's eyes darted over the page, doing a double take, triple take, and eventually just rereading the whole thing. "Is… did… Roy, is this some sort of sadistic, twisted, well thought out joke?" Roy's head continued shaking in the same manner, the manner that said; could be, I couldn't remember. Please tell me if you find my brain, I think its just jumped out of the window and committed suicide. "But… Havoc?"

Roy nodded.

"With Riza?"

Roy nodded.

"When you two were-"

"You're not helping Hughes!" Roy finally yelled, emerging from his daze. "You know what? Fine! She can go out with him, we all have free will, and I don't need her!" Roy said, pulling on one of his alchemy gloves. "It's her loss," Roy said, snapping his fingers and burning the paper into cinders in an instant. "I swear, Havoc finally found someone to go out with," he continued, laughing, "I'm happy for them both! Even though Riza could have been with me, I mean-"

"Sorry to rain on your denial parade Roy," Hughes interrupted finally, "But your desk is on fire." The cinders from the paper had indeed caught the wood on fire, and they continued to spread.

"Shit!" Roy yelled, jumping up and pulling off his coat to beat out the flames. Edward was the next to walk in the door.

"I. Don't. Need. Riza!" Roy yelled furiously, kicking over the desk as the fire grew, spreading to the carpet. Ed took a step inside before seeing this scene, immediately stopping.

"I don't even want to know," he relayed, before stepping back out and closing the door.

"Ah, now you've scared off Ed," Hughes said, "Be back in a second Roy." He walked to the door, opening it and stepping out. In the time it took for the door to pen and close, Edward's vocabulary of swear words had been doubled. "Hey Ed. Cover your virgin ears; I swear I don't know where he learned that phrase."

"What the hell's going on in there?" Ed asked, joining Hughes in being utterly oblivious to the fact that the room was on fire. Or at least pretending to be.

"He's in denial," Hughes replied knowledgably, "Riza ran off with Havoc and he just found the note this morning."

"And remind me, how did this lead to him setting his desk on fire?" Ed replied, making no move towards the door, where said fire raged on in plain view through the window. Roy tripped over a chair, spreading it.

"Long story," Hughes replied, rubbing the back of his neck. They both looked inside of the office where Roy was running around, yelling something they couldn't quite hear. "Do you want to go get some breakfast?"

Ed watched Mustang fall to the ground, rolling about in a rather funny looking way, trying to put out his shirt. "Sure, I haven't eaten yet," Ed replied, smiling as he looked back to Hughes. In all truth he had eaten just minutes ago, but those croissants looked so good, one or two more couldn't hurt.

Back inside the office, the fire alarm finally went off, and the ceiling sprinklers began to pour out water, soaking Roy. He yelled something undoubtedly very profane, getting to his feet pulling off his boots to pour out the water that had gathered in them, continuing to yell. He tripped over a chair again. Hughes covered Ed's ears as the noise of the frustrated yell made it out of the door. "Come on," Hughes said, unplugging Ed's ears after about a minute. They walked down to the cafeteria, lost in thought. Roy had been outdone by Havoc. This was news.