Title: A Simple Request
Author: Fulinn28
E-mail: fulinn28@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Archive: SJ yes, Jackfic yes, all others please ask.
Pairings : Jack / other AND Jack / Sam
Category: Romance , some angst
Season : none this is AU
Content Warnings : None
Summary: Jack tries to move on with his life, only to find it much harder than he expects.
Spoilers: None
Status: This story Complete. First in a Series.
Sequel / Series : Seasons of my Life Series
Size: 45 kb
Disclaimer: "All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."
Copyright: (c) 2003 bonnie rose
Authors Notes: This is my first posted Stargate Fanfic. All feedback and suggestions welcome. I wrote this because my muse
would not leave me alone. My muse has many more stories in store for us. Thank you to Su Freund, the best beta
I could ask for, this story is so much better for her efforts and suggestions. All remaining errors are mine and mine
alone.
Seasons of my Life Series
Book 1 - A Reason to Hope
Chapter 1 - A Simple Request
It was a simple thing, really. General Hammond's request to me – just escort a visiting
general's daughter to dinner – simple really. Her father, General Myers, and General
Hammond would be accompanying us as well.
I joined them, General Hammond, General Myers and his daughter Karen – all of us
dressed in our finest – me in my dress blues. We had a wonderful dinner at the Officers
Club at Peterson Air Force base, then a few after dinner drinks. Karen was lovely, very
different from my usual companions; long black hair framing the most vivid green eyes
you could ask for.
Although we seemed to have little in common, we got along just great and found
ourselves a quite little spot away from the "generals". Just to talk, mostly about current
events and local sightseeing.
After a while, when the conversation slowed to a stop, I inquired if she'd like to get away
from the "O" club, and she readily agreed, so we said good night to her father and
General Hammond. Both men shot me stares that screamed O'Neill, behave your self!
After a quick stop off at the VIP quarters at Peterson so that Karen could change her
clothes, we headed back to my house to allow me to do the same. Karen wondered
around my living room looking at the various items on display.
We were soon on our way to O'Malley's, a local bar 'n grill with good food and live
music on Friday evenings. To our mutual delight we found we enjoyed the same light
style of music and shared a certain amount of grace on a dance floor. Soon our evening
drew to a close and I took her home at a respectable hour.
As I walked back to my truck, I thought about my "love life". I'd had such high hopes
about Sam. As my 2IC, we couldn't have a romantic relationship, but I had hopes that
we might in the future. However, she had shut all those feelings away in that little room,
so long ago, that as time passed I rarely even saw glimpses of it anymore. Hell, after all
we'd been through it was likely that Sam no longer cared for me anyhow.
So with a light heart, I drove home, smiling and congratulating myself on moving on and
looking to the future. I hadn't actually looked forward to seeing someone in a very long
time, and I have to admit it felt good. Despite the outward appearance I project, I really
do enjoy having someone in my life. Guess that's why I'm so close to my team; in a very
real way they have replaced the family I so carelessly lost so long ago.
Over the course of a couple of weeks Karen and I spent most of our free time together,
doing some sightseeing in the area. I even took her up for a flight over the "Springs"
flying in a beautiful clear blue sky with few white clouds to block our view of the earth
sliding away below us.
After our return to earth we headed back to my place. After such a wonderful day spent
in each other's company, the evening held promise for even greater things.
It was such a simple thing really. We shared dinner and a fine red wine, with a nonsense
movie on in the background; sitting comfortably on the couch and chatting about our day.
We'd been seeing each other just about daily and had certainly progressed beyond the
hand holding stage! Our kisses and small touches had become more and more intimate as
our confidence in the relationship grew.
We sat together on the couch our kisses becoming increasingly heated hands moving up
under clothing, touching and caressing knowing with certainty that more delights awaited
us. It was such a simple thing; she ran her hands up under my shirt, trailing gently over
my chest and back, but I felt the hesitation, the tension, in Karen's body. Pulling back
sharply, I asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, really. I just need a minute." Karen responded with a faint smile.
After this things seemed a little "off", although we continued on, our bodies heating up
and eventually heading off to my bedroom. As we approached, I sensed her doubt again
and began to worry. I thought about how long it had been since a beautiful woman had
graced my bed. Would I remember what to do? We all know that sex is easy. It's making
her feel special and wonderful that can be tricky. As our clothes began to fall to the floor,
I felt her hands on my chest, smoothing their way up my back, but, again, that strain and
uncertainty.
"Karen" I asked, " what's up? Why are you pulling away from me each time you touch
me?"
"Jack, " she replied, "you know that I care for you. I was just surprised at the amount of
scarring on your body. Haven't you ever wanted to have them repaired? You know they
are doing marvelous things with plastic surgery these days."
Well, let me tell you, I was completely flummoxed. I had no idea what she was talking
about, but I had to admit it hurt. It's funny, ya know, I never thought of myself as a
particularly vain guy. After all my job requires that I be in good physical condition and
I've been told that my silver hair and dark eyes are a striking combination, so this really
came out of left field for me. And it hurt. I laughed it off, of course, told her something
about it making me look more like a war hero and all…it got a polite smile from her, but
I could see her heart wasn't in it.
After a bit of awkward small talk it was quite obvious that she had lost interest in me,
looks meant way too much to her. She politely reminded me that she had some early
appointments to attend to and should be on her way. We rose from the bed, adjusting our
clothing in silence. I walked her to my front door, where she repeated that she'd be busy
all day tomorrow so she might not be in touch. I felt a pain deep in my chest as I watched
her car pull out of the driveway, I had put so much of myself into this fledgling
relationship, I had opened up to her, really talked with her only to lose it due to my body.
I slid down the door, back and my knees protesting all the way, and rested my head on
my folded arms, and remembering all the fun we'd had together until I screwed it up. My
body betrayed me, in both in looks and age. Why was I surprised? Surely, I understood
that I could never maintain a relationship with someone so young and beautiful as Karen.
What is it with me, my eye always caught by women ten or more years my junior.
I don't know just how long I sat there in my front hall, my mind torturing me with visions
of what might have been. Eventually, I rose with creaking knees and aching back, to
head to bed. As I entered my bedroom, alone, I decided a shower would help ease the
stiffness in my back and knees. While I was waiting for the water to get warm enough I
undressed, throwing my clothes in the general direction of the hamper, and looked at
myself in the mirror.
I got a whole new perspective on what Karen saw when she looked at me. My chest and
back were covered in small criss crossing lines, old indicators of how often I'd been
stitched back together. Then a few holes and ridges showing how many times the bad
guys had won the fight when trying to shoot or stab me. Finally for good measure the
more recent staff weapon burns showed pink against the tan of my body, and I
understood how offensive my body must have been to her. I sighed, hanging my head
thinking that every wound on my body was honorable, acquired in the service of my
country.
Stepping into my shower, I let the hot water beat on my torso, hoping to wash away the
hurt from the last few hours. Hot water is not endless and, as it ran cold, I stepped out,
toweled off and returned to my bed. Settling down against my pillows and turned to
check the time; just turning 0300, only three hours till I had to get up. I was expected in
the mountain by 0800. A restful three hours of sleep was not to be mine' the focus on the
wounds brought back the horror of them to me in Technicolor nightmares. I awoke just
before 0600 trembling in fear, covered in sweat and all alone.
At 0800 that morning, I reported for duty at the mountain, a message from Gen.
Hammond awaited me. I knew with a certainty that it was about Karen and I was right.
Her father, requested I meet him for lunch this afternoon. I was so not looking forward to
this conversation. I wondered why the General had called and not Karen. I hoped
nothing had happened to her last night after she left my house.
So, noontime finds me once again in dress blues, meeting with General Myers at the
Officers Club at Peterson AFB for lunch. However, to my surprise his aide met me at the
door and redirected me to the waiting staff car. The aide remained outside after closing
the door behind me.
The General got straight to the point. I was no longer welcome to call on his daughter.
Although she had enjoyed my company, it was time for her to move on. Apparently, a
battle scarred, soul weary colonel 10 years her senior was not a suitable escort. He
warned me against making any further contact "for the good of my career", and left no
room for doubt that he'd make good on the threat if necessary.
I understood, and even agreed. I didn't have much to offer anyone. I just wanted a simple
thing really, someone to care. Care if I came home from a mission or not, if I was well or
not, if I was happy or not. I know that saving the world for 6.3 billion people should be
enough reason to carry on, but it wasn't. I wanted to save the planet for someone who
cared about me. Selfish, huh? Well, maybe it is, but it was the truth and as we all know
the truth can really suck. Just like it sucked that Karen had sent her father to do the dirty
work. What did she think that I'd fly off the handle and hurt her? What childishness was
this that a two star general did her bidding, so she could avoid doing the right thing and
ending our budding relationship herself?
So, with a heavy heart I squared my shoulders and looking straight ahead, returned to my
truck and watched as the staff car pulled out of the lot.
"Remember Jack", I said to myself "the old saying 'never let them see ya hurting'."
I started my truck and headed back to the mountain driving faster and faster, taking turns
increasingly reckless as I neared the town of Colorado Springs. After all, if no one cares
about you, why be careful? Thankfully, I came to my senses before I had gone too far.
What would I have done if I had injured someone else, another innocent on my soul? I
pulled to the side of the road banging my hands on the steering wheel in frustration; that
she could so hurt me, in such a short space of time,; that I would be so reckless. When I'd
calmed down, and continued in an orderly fashion to my base.
I spent the rest of the day trying my best to avoid everyone. As the afternoon wore on,
the word spread "leave Col. O'Neill alone, for your own health and well being." Of
course, my team could not follow this simple rule and soon Daniel appeared at my office
door and wanting to talk with me. I didn't want to feel better, I wanted to hurt; it proved
to me that I could still feel something. So it was that I was alone, just as I convinced
myself that this was what I wanted, all that I could have.
Although the base never really shuts down, the 3rd shift time was the quietest. Teams
generally did not depart or return during these graveyard hours so I had the gateroom to
myself. Word got out that I was there, so the routine maintenance duties were delayed,
no one brave enough or foolish enough to ask me to leave.
I sat, my head bowed, behind the great naquada circle in the far shadowy corner, alone
with my thoughts and fears. So many opportunities lost, never to return and so few in
front of me. I looked back to the time when I was married to Sara and remembered how
much I liked marriage. . It didn't bother me to help around the house or to take care of
my son. My son. Gone now, of course, due to my negligence, but not forgotten, never
forgotten. I missed the emotions of marriage as well, knowing that someone loved me,
wanted me and was proud to say "he's mine, he married me". Just because I hide the
gentler emotions doesn't mean I don't have them.
Now sitting in the gateroom I became overwhelmed with a sense of failure and shame.
How could I have ever thought that Sam would want a long term relationship with me? I
was such a mess, both physically and emotionally; twelve years her senior, at the end of
my career. A failed marriage behind me and virtually nothing in front of me.
Sam had been a fantasy, which now, in the light of recent events, had turned to smoke
and gradually drifted away.
As I sat there the picture of misery, I realized that someone had entered the room and was
approaching me quietly, trying not to disturb me. It must be Daniel, trying yet again to
help me; only Daniel would approach where even angels feared to tread. To my great
surprise it was not Daniel, but another general. Go figure! Must be my month for
generals!
General Jacob Carter carefully lowered himself to the floor beside me. No words were
spoken, just a companionable silence between us. I often had contact with Jacob. Not
only did I respect him as a retired AF General with a pretty impressive record of service
similar to mine, but he was also my 2IC's father and the ambassador to the Tok'ra, an
important ally in the war against the Goa'uld. Finally, after many minutes of silence, I
looked up and saw that his eyes were closed. He seemed to be resting.
"Uhhh" I said looking at Jacob " can I do something for you? I didn't know you were in
town, sir."
Jacob slowly opened this eyes, turned his head to look at me and said " I'm not surprised
Jack, you were out to lunch when I arrived and then, of course, you're sending out pretty
strong "do not disturb" signals everywhere you go."
I sighed and closed my eyes. " Then why are you here 'disturbing me?' "
It got a small laugh, "cause I'm the only one brave enough? Also, they figured you
weren't too likely to yell at me; not much anyhow"
"My team's worried?" I asked
" Uh, well just about the entire base, I'd guess. But mostly it's your team Jack; just
outside the blast doors. They're concerned about you and when Daniel failed to get you
to talk, I volunteered to try"
"So, why ya sitting in the gateroom at 0300 in the dark, alone?" Jacob finally asked, after
it became obvious that I wasn't going to volunteer any information.
I gave away nothing; I didn't want to talk to him about it. How could I tell him that my
'problem' was that I hated being alone? Or that the one woman I wanted more than
anything, his daughter at that, was beyond my reach.
Jacob could wait with the best of them; so alike, he and I. We sat there saying nothing,
but strangely enough I began to feel better just having someone beside me, not wanting
me to do anything for them, not judging me and finding me lacking.
Eventually he broke the silence.
"Ya know Jack, you're a good man and a fine leader but you need to cut yourself some
slack." Jacob said without opening his eyes or looking towards me. " You're too hard on
yourself. We all have our faults and failures, but you wouldn't be where you are today
without a damn fine share of successes as well."
" I know, " I said with a sigh "it just seems like the failures are so much bigger than the
successes, ya know. Sometimes I just don't have the strength to take another risk."
Jacob nodded in understanding " I can imagine that it must feel like the weight of the
world is resting on your shoulders, Jack. Maybe, you need to find a life outside of the
mountain and someone to share it with."
I looked at him in puzzlement " Just who do you think that'd be? It's not like I have a
whole lot of choice, here." I knew my voice was getting louder and louder as the anger
and hurt in me took control. "Look around you Jake, no one wants to spend any time with
me. You got the short end of the stick when you had to come in here to talk to me!" My
face was flushed with anger and I lashed out " I know you came in here to "Move" me
along. The maintenance crews need to get in here, get their work done. So I'll save you
the rest of the speech."
And with that I got up and launched myself out of the gateroom, still putting out those
'stay away from me' vibes. As I barreled out the gateroom, I was met by a chorus of
voices; my team my family really. I pushed past them ignoring their offers of
companionship. I couldn't face them, my shame and inadequacies still haunted me. I
wondered around the base, to places no one ever goes, trying to find some peace. No
luck. All I found in my wonderings was dust and long forgotten rooms filled with
memories no one wanted to uncover. Kinda reminded me of, well, me. Eventually I
signed myself out of the base, noting as I did so, that my team had left just shortly after I
began my base bound wanderings. I hoped they were off somewhere together, safe and
happy.
I drove away from the base, towards my house thinking I'd talk with General Hammond
in the morning about taking some leave, maybe head to my cabin in Minnesota. I always
felt safe there, it was my one true home filled with happy childhood memories of my
grandparents, and latter with Charlie and Sara. I laughed ruefully as I glanced at my
dashboard clock; it was already 0530 and no doubt General Hammond was well aware of
the goings on in the gateroom during the past few hours.
As I pulled into my yard, I was surprised to see a car already there, one I know well. My
2IC stepped from the driver's side to meet me as I parked alongside her. We glanced at
each other and I sighed.
"I don't suppose you just dropped by for a quick visit, did ya?" I said to Carter as she
reached my side.
"Nope" she replied quietly. As I looked at her for the first time in many many days I
realized how unhappy, tired and worried she looked. I hoped with all my heart that I was
not the sole cause for that world-weary stance I saw in her. We walked to the front door
side by side, my ally through so much of my life. We shared an incredible story of
adventure and danger, of understanding the stresses and fears inherent in our jobs. We
entered the house in silence. Had it been just a little over 24 hours since I was last here? I
had been filled with such hope then, and now it was gone, dead and buried.
I poured us both some O.J. from my refrigerator as we passed through the kitchen. It was
a beautiful day as we looked out into my backyard, watching the sunrise over the trees. I
sat back and waited, knowing that Sam would want her chance to try and "make me feel
better", just as both Daniel and Jacob had tried, and failed.
To my surprise Sam began talking about herself. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the
warmth of her voice. That was until what she was saying actually sunk into my brain.
She was leaving me. Her transfer had been approved. What transfer, I asked myself as I
hurriedly tried to catch up with the conversation? How could this be happening now?
How could I lose her smile, her understanding of me now?
Just this morning in the gateroom I had acknowledged that I had lost any hope of a
romance with my major, but I held on to the comfort that she'd still be in my life. I could
still talk with her, pester her in her lab and yes, protect her to the best of my sorry
abilities. Now she tells me her transfers approved. How could it have happened so fast?
A few weeks ago we had sat in my office on base discussing her yearly evaluation –
perfect as usual, she was after all, one of a kind! The major had voiced some concerns on
where her life was taking her, how she had wanted more. However, she had only spoken
of it in vague terms not in immediate transfer; a transfer that would remove the last bright
spot in my life, the last good thing I had.
She stopped talking then, and sat looking at me, a slight smile on her lips.
"Sir, Jack!", she said "I've been trying to tell you for a while now, that I wanted more
than just work in my life."
"I know," I said "I was listening. You want the family, 2.4 kids and a dog, all surrounded
by a white picket fence."
"Well," she laughed " you got it partially right. I know I can't quit working altogether,
I'd go crazy."
I sighed softly to myself. Well what did I expect, that she'd sit on the sidelines and wait
for me? After all, I'd just spent the better part of a month trying to move on, find some
laughter and love for myself, so why wouldn't Sam do the same? I hoped that whoever
she'd found treated her well, that he was worthy of her. I thought that I'd have to find
out who it was so I could investigate him , make sure he knew that I was watching him
and that he'd better never, never hurt my major.
"So, what did you do to solve your problem?" I asked.
"It really was pretty simple, once I stopped 'over thinking' it," she replied " I've been
transferred to Area 51. However, I'll be posted here to the Stargate Command doing in-
depth investigation of the alien technologies you bring back. I won't be assigned to any
particular SG team. I will be reporting my finds to General Thomas at Area 51. Of
course I'll continue to advise the SG teams, here in Colorado"
In the silence my brain worked over this new information. She was assigned to Area 51
and reported to General Thomas, not assigned to any SG teams so not in my chain of
command.
"So," I said "when is the transfer effective?"
"I have to spend approximately six months at Nellis AFB to bring them up to speed on
the technologies that we've already brought back, and on the experiments I currently
have going on." Sam said looking directly at me, her blue eye's meeting my brown ones
for the first time in a long, long time.
"So, maybe we could go out for dinner?" I asked waiting with a trembling heart, to be
shot down once more. After all, who knows me better than Sam? She has certainly seen
me at my worst over the past three years. Who knows how many times my nightmares
have woken her up during our off-world missions?
"You mean when I get back?" came her tentative response.
"Hmm. No." I mumbled, nervously "like maybe I can catch a hop from Peterson AFB to
Nellis, when I get the downtime, and you visit me when you have leave. We'll take it
slow, see where this leads us."
"You know Jack," Sam said, her blue eyes bright and shining "that sounds like a plan to
me!"
To be Continued in "All About Family" Coming Soon.
Author: Fulinn28
E-mail: fulinn28@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Archive: SJ yes, Jackfic yes, all others please ask.
Pairings : Jack / other AND Jack / Sam
Category: Romance , some angst
Season : none this is AU
Content Warnings : None
Summary: Jack tries to move on with his life, only to find it much harder than he expects.
Spoilers: None
Status: This story Complete. First in a Series.
Sequel / Series : Seasons of my Life Series
Size: 45 kb
Disclaimer: "All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."
Copyright: (c) 2003 bonnie rose
Authors Notes: This is my first posted Stargate Fanfic. All feedback and suggestions welcome. I wrote this because my muse
would not leave me alone. My muse has many more stories in store for us. Thank you to Su Freund, the best beta
I could ask for, this story is so much better for her efforts and suggestions. All remaining errors are mine and mine
alone.
Seasons of my Life Series
Book 1 - A Reason to Hope
Chapter 1 - A Simple Request
It was a simple thing, really. General Hammond's request to me – just escort a visiting
general's daughter to dinner – simple really. Her father, General Myers, and General
Hammond would be accompanying us as well.
I joined them, General Hammond, General Myers and his daughter Karen – all of us
dressed in our finest – me in my dress blues. We had a wonderful dinner at the Officers
Club at Peterson Air Force base, then a few after dinner drinks. Karen was lovely, very
different from my usual companions; long black hair framing the most vivid green eyes
you could ask for.
Although we seemed to have little in common, we got along just great and found
ourselves a quite little spot away from the "generals". Just to talk, mostly about current
events and local sightseeing.
After a while, when the conversation slowed to a stop, I inquired if she'd like to get away
from the "O" club, and she readily agreed, so we said good night to her father and
General Hammond. Both men shot me stares that screamed O'Neill, behave your self!
After a quick stop off at the VIP quarters at Peterson so that Karen could change her
clothes, we headed back to my house to allow me to do the same. Karen wondered
around my living room looking at the various items on display.
We were soon on our way to O'Malley's, a local bar 'n grill with good food and live
music on Friday evenings. To our mutual delight we found we enjoyed the same light
style of music and shared a certain amount of grace on a dance floor. Soon our evening
drew to a close and I took her home at a respectable hour.
As I walked back to my truck, I thought about my "love life". I'd had such high hopes
about Sam. As my 2IC, we couldn't have a romantic relationship, but I had hopes that
we might in the future. However, she had shut all those feelings away in that little room,
so long ago, that as time passed I rarely even saw glimpses of it anymore. Hell, after all
we'd been through it was likely that Sam no longer cared for me anyhow.
So with a light heart, I drove home, smiling and congratulating myself on moving on and
looking to the future. I hadn't actually looked forward to seeing someone in a very long
time, and I have to admit it felt good. Despite the outward appearance I project, I really
do enjoy having someone in my life. Guess that's why I'm so close to my team; in a very
real way they have replaced the family I so carelessly lost so long ago.
Over the course of a couple of weeks Karen and I spent most of our free time together,
doing some sightseeing in the area. I even took her up for a flight over the "Springs"
flying in a beautiful clear blue sky with few white clouds to block our view of the earth
sliding away below us.
After our return to earth we headed back to my place. After such a wonderful day spent
in each other's company, the evening held promise for even greater things.
It was such a simple thing really. We shared dinner and a fine red wine, with a nonsense
movie on in the background; sitting comfortably on the couch and chatting about our day.
We'd been seeing each other just about daily and had certainly progressed beyond the
hand holding stage! Our kisses and small touches had become more and more intimate as
our confidence in the relationship grew.
We sat together on the couch our kisses becoming increasingly heated hands moving up
under clothing, touching and caressing knowing with certainty that more delights awaited
us. It was such a simple thing; she ran her hands up under my shirt, trailing gently over
my chest and back, but I felt the hesitation, the tension, in Karen's body. Pulling back
sharply, I asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, really. I just need a minute." Karen responded with a faint smile.
After this things seemed a little "off", although we continued on, our bodies heating up
and eventually heading off to my bedroom. As we approached, I sensed her doubt again
and began to worry. I thought about how long it had been since a beautiful woman had
graced my bed. Would I remember what to do? We all know that sex is easy. It's making
her feel special and wonderful that can be tricky. As our clothes began to fall to the floor,
I felt her hands on my chest, smoothing their way up my back, but, again, that strain and
uncertainty.
"Karen" I asked, " what's up? Why are you pulling away from me each time you touch
me?"
"Jack, " she replied, "you know that I care for you. I was just surprised at the amount of
scarring on your body. Haven't you ever wanted to have them repaired? You know they
are doing marvelous things with plastic surgery these days."
Well, let me tell you, I was completely flummoxed. I had no idea what she was talking
about, but I had to admit it hurt. It's funny, ya know, I never thought of myself as a
particularly vain guy. After all my job requires that I be in good physical condition and
I've been told that my silver hair and dark eyes are a striking combination, so this really
came out of left field for me. And it hurt. I laughed it off, of course, told her something
about it making me look more like a war hero and all…it got a polite smile from her, but
I could see her heart wasn't in it.
After a bit of awkward small talk it was quite obvious that she had lost interest in me,
looks meant way too much to her. She politely reminded me that she had some early
appointments to attend to and should be on her way. We rose from the bed, adjusting our
clothing in silence. I walked her to my front door, where she repeated that she'd be busy
all day tomorrow so she might not be in touch. I felt a pain deep in my chest as I watched
her car pull out of the driveway, I had put so much of myself into this fledgling
relationship, I had opened up to her, really talked with her only to lose it due to my body.
I slid down the door, back and my knees protesting all the way, and rested my head on
my folded arms, and remembering all the fun we'd had together until I screwed it up. My
body betrayed me, in both in looks and age. Why was I surprised? Surely, I understood
that I could never maintain a relationship with someone so young and beautiful as Karen.
What is it with me, my eye always caught by women ten or more years my junior.
I don't know just how long I sat there in my front hall, my mind torturing me with visions
of what might have been. Eventually, I rose with creaking knees and aching back, to
head to bed. As I entered my bedroom, alone, I decided a shower would help ease the
stiffness in my back and knees. While I was waiting for the water to get warm enough I
undressed, throwing my clothes in the general direction of the hamper, and looked at
myself in the mirror.
I got a whole new perspective on what Karen saw when she looked at me. My chest and
back were covered in small criss crossing lines, old indicators of how often I'd been
stitched back together. Then a few holes and ridges showing how many times the bad
guys had won the fight when trying to shoot or stab me. Finally for good measure the
more recent staff weapon burns showed pink against the tan of my body, and I
understood how offensive my body must have been to her. I sighed, hanging my head
thinking that every wound on my body was honorable, acquired in the service of my
country.
Stepping into my shower, I let the hot water beat on my torso, hoping to wash away the
hurt from the last few hours. Hot water is not endless and, as it ran cold, I stepped out,
toweled off and returned to my bed. Settling down against my pillows and turned to
check the time; just turning 0300, only three hours till I had to get up. I was expected in
the mountain by 0800. A restful three hours of sleep was not to be mine' the focus on the
wounds brought back the horror of them to me in Technicolor nightmares. I awoke just
before 0600 trembling in fear, covered in sweat and all alone.
At 0800 that morning, I reported for duty at the mountain, a message from Gen.
Hammond awaited me. I knew with a certainty that it was about Karen and I was right.
Her father, requested I meet him for lunch this afternoon. I was so not looking forward to
this conversation. I wondered why the General had called and not Karen. I hoped
nothing had happened to her last night after she left my house.
So, noontime finds me once again in dress blues, meeting with General Myers at the
Officers Club at Peterson AFB for lunch. However, to my surprise his aide met me at the
door and redirected me to the waiting staff car. The aide remained outside after closing
the door behind me.
The General got straight to the point. I was no longer welcome to call on his daughter.
Although she had enjoyed my company, it was time for her to move on. Apparently, a
battle scarred, soul weary colonel 10 years her senior was not a suitable escort. He
warned me against making any further contact "for the good of my career", and left no
room for doubt that he'd make good on the threat if necessary.
I understood, and even agreed. I didn't have much to offer anyone. I just wanted a simple
thing really, someone to care. Care if I came home from a mission or not, if I was well or
not, if I was happy or not. I know that saving the world for 6.3 billion people should be
enough reason to carry on, but it wasn't. I wanted to save the planet for someone who
cared about me. Selfish, huh? Well, maybe it is, but it was the truth and as we all know
the truth can really suck. Just like it sucked that Karen had sent her father to do the dirty
work. What did she think that I'd fly off the handle and hurt her? What childishness was
this that a two star general did her bidding, so she could avoid doing the right thing and
ending our budding relationship herself?
So, with a heavy heart I squared my shoulders and looking straight ahead, returned to my
truck and watched as the staff car pulled out of the lot.
"Remember Jack", I said to myself "the old saying 'never let them see ya hurting'."
I started my truck and headed back to the mountain driving faster and faster, taking turns
increasingly reckless as I neared the town of Colorado Springs. After all, if no one cares
about you, why be careful? Thankfully, I came to my senses before I had gone too far.
What would I have done if I had injured someone else, another innocent on my soul? I
pulled to the side of the road banging my hands on the steering wheel in frustration; that
she could so hurt me, in such a short space of time,; that I would be so reckless. When I'd
calmed down, and continued in an orderly fashion to my base.
I spent the rest of the day trying my best to avoid everyone. As the afternoon wore on,
the word spread "leave Col. O'Neill alone, for your own health and well being." Of
course, my team could not follow this simple rule and soon Daniel appeared at my office
door and wanting to talk with me. I didn't want to feel better, I wanted to hurt; it proved
to me that I could still feel something. So it was that I was alone, just as I convinced
myself that this was what I wanted, all that I could have.
Although the base never really shuts down, the 3rd shift time was the quietest. Teams
generally did not depart or return during these graveyard hours so I had the gateroom to
myself. Word got out that I was there, so the routine maintenance duties were delayed,
no one brave enough or foolish enough to ask me to leave.
I sat, my head bowed, behind the great naquada circle in the far shadowy corner, alone
with my thoughts and fears. So many opportunities lost, never to return and so few in
front of me. I looked back to the time when I was married to Sara and remembered how
much I liked marriage. . It didn't bother me to help around the house or to take care of
my son. My son. Gone now, of course, due to my negligence, but not forgotten, never
forgotten. I missed the emotions of marriage as well, knowing that someone loved me,
wanted me and was proud to say "he's mine, he married me". Just because I hide the
gentler emotions doesn't mean I don't have them.
Now sitting in the gateroom I became overwhelmed with a sense of failure and shame.
How could I have ever thought that Sam would want a long term relationship with me? I
was such a mess, both physically and emotionally; twelve years her senior, at the end of
my career. A failed marriage behind me and virtually nothing in front of me.
Sam had been a fantasy, which now, in the light of recent events, had turned to smoke
and gradually drifted away.
As I sat there the picture of misery, I realized that someone had entered the room and was
approaching me quietly, trying not to disturb me. It must be Daniel, trying yet again to
help me; only Daniel would approach where even angels feared to tread. To my great
surprise it was not Daniel, but another general. Go figure! Must be my month for
generals!
General Jacob Carter carefully lowered himself to the floor beside me. No words were
spoken, just a companionable silence between us. I often had contact with Jacob. Not
only did I respect him as a retired AF General with a pretty impressive record of service
similar to mine, but he was also my 2IC's father and the ambassador to the Tok'ra, an
important ally in the war against the Goa'uld. Finally, after many minutes of silence, I
looked up and saw that his eyes were closed. He seemed to be resting.
"Uhhh" I said looking at Jacob " can I do something for you? I didn't know you were in
town, sir."
Jacob slowly opened this eyes, turned his head to look at me and said " I'm not surprised
Jack, you were out to lunch when I arrived and then, of course, you're sending out pretty
strong "do not disturb" signals everywhere you go."
I sighed and closed my eyes. " Then why are you here 'disturbing me?' "
It got a small laugh, "cause I'm the only one brave enough? Also, they figured you
weren't too likely to yell at me; not much anyhow"
"My team's worried?" I asked
" Uh, well just about the entire base, I'd guess. But mostly it's your team Jack; just
outside the blast doors. They're concerned about you and when Daniel failed to get you
to talk, I volunteered to try"
"So, why ya sitting in the gateroom at 0300 in the dark, alone?" Jacob finally asked, after
it became obvious that I wasn't going to volunteer any information.
I gave away nothing; I didn't want to talk to him about it. How could I tell him that my
'problem' was that I hated being alone? Or that the one woman I wanted more than
anything, his daughter at that, was beyond my reach.
Jacob could wait with the best of them; so alike, he and I. We sat there saying nothing,
but strangely enough I began to feel better just having someone beside me, not wanting
me to do anything for them, not judging me and finding me lacking.
Eventually he broke the silence.
"Ya know Jack, you're a good man and a fine leader but you need to cut yourself some
slack." Jacob said without opening his eyes or looking towards me. " You're too hard on
yourself. We all have our faults and failures, but you wouldn't be where you are today
without a damn fine share of successes as well."
" I know, " I said with a sigh "it just seems like the failures are so much bigger than the
successes, ya know. Sometimes I just don't have the strength to take another risk."
Jacob nodded in understanding " I can imagine that it must feel like the weight of the
world is resting on your shoulders, Jack. Maybe, you need to find a life outside of the
mountain and someone to share it with."
I looked at him in puzzlement " Just who do you think that'd be? It's not like I have a
whole lot of choice, here." I knew my voice was getting louder and louder as the anger
and hurt in me took control. "Look around you Jake, no one wants to spend any time with
me. You got the short end of the stick when you had to come in here to talk to me!" My
face was flushed with anger and I lashed out " I know you came in here to "Move" me
along. The maintenance crews need to get in here, get their work done. So I'll save you
the rest of the speech."
And with that I got up and launched myself out of the gateroom, still putting out those
'stay away from me' vibes. As I barreled out the gateroom, I was met by a chorus of
voices; my team my family really. I pushed past them ignoring their offers of
companionship. I couldn't face them, my shame and inadequacies still haunted me. I
wondered around the base, to places no one ever goes, trying to find some peace. No
luck. All I found in my wonderings was dust and long forgotten rooms filled with
memories no one wanted to uncover. Kinda reminded me of, well, me. Eventually I
signed myself out of the base, noting as I did so, that my team had left just shortly after I
began my base bound wanderings. I hoped they were off somewhere together, safe and
happy.
I drove away from the base, towards my house thinking I'd talk with General Hammond
in the morning about taking some leave, maybe head to my cabin in Minnesota. I always
felt safe there, it was my one true home filled with happy childhood memories of my
grandparents, and latter with Charlie and Sara. I laughed ruefully as I glanced at my
dashboard clock; it was already 0530 and no doubt General Hammond was well aware of
the goings on in the gateroom during the past few hours.
As I pulled into my yard, I was surprised to see a car already there, one I know well. My
2IC stepped from the driver's side to meet me as I parked alongside her. We glanced at
each other and I sighed.
"I don't suppose you just dropped by for a quick visit, did ya?" I said to Carter as she
reached my side.
"Nope" she replied quietly. As I looked at her for the first time in many many days I
realized how unhappy, tired and worried she looked. I hoped with all my heart that I was
not the sole cause for that world-weary stance I saw in her. We walked to the front door
side by side, my ally through so much of my life. We shared an incredible story of
adventure and danger, of understanding the stresses and fears inherent in our jobs. We
entered the house in silence. Had it been just a little over 24 hours since I was last here? I
had been filled with such hope then, and now it was gone, dead and buried.
I poured us both some O.J. from my refrigerator as we passed through the kitchen. It was
a beautiful day as we looked out into my backyard, watching the sunrise over the trees. I
sat back and waited, knowing that Sam would want her chance to try and "make me feel
better", just as both Daniel and Jacob had tried, and failed.
To my surprise Sam began talking about herself. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the
warmth of her voice. That was until what she was saying actually sunk into my brain.
She was leaving me. Her transfer had been approved. What transfer, I asked myself as I
hurriedly tried to catch up with the conversation? How could this be happening now?
How could I lose her smile, her understanding of me now?
Just this morning in the gateroom I had acknowledged that I had lost any hope of a
romance with my major, but I held on to the comfort that she'd still be in my life. I could
still talk with her, pester her in her lab and yes, protect her to the best of my sorry
abilities. Now she tells me her transfers approved. How could it have happened so fast?
A few weeks ago we had sat in my office on base discussing her yearly evaluation –
perfect as usual, she was after all, one of a kind! The major had voiced some concerns on
where her life was taking her, how she had wanted more. However, she had only spoken
of it in vague terms not in immediate transfer; a transfer that would remove the last bright
spot in my life, the last good thing I had.
She stopped talking then, and sat looking at me, a slight smile on her lips.
"Sir, Jack!", she said "I've been trying to tell you for a while now, that I wanted more
than just work in my life."
"I know," I said "I was listening. You want the family, 2.4 kids and a dog, all surrounded
by a white picket fence."
"Well," she laughed " you got it partially right. I know I can't quit working altogether,
I'd go crazy."
I sighed softly to myself. Well what did I expect, that she'd sit on the sidelines and wait
for me? After all, I'd just spent the better part of a month trying to move on, find some
laughter and love for myself, so why wouldn't Sam do the same? I hoped that whoever
she'd found treated her well, that he was worthy of her. I thought that I'd have to find
out who it was so I could investigate him , make sure he knew that I was watching him
and that he'd better never, never hurt my major.
"So, what did you do to solve your problem?" I asked.
"It really was pretty simple, once I stopped 'over thinking' it," she replied " I've been
transferred to Area 51. However, I'll be posted here to the Stargate Command doing in-
depth investigation of the alien technologies you bring back. I won't be assigned to any
particular SG team. I will be reporting my finds to General Thomas at Area 51. Of
course I'll continue to advise the SG teams, here in Colorado"
In the silence my brain worked over this new information. She was assigned to Area 51
and reported to General Thomas, not assigned to any SG teams so not in my chain of
command.
"So," I said "when is the transfer effective?"
"I have to spend approximately six months at Nellis AFB to bring them up to speed on
the technologies that we've already brought back, and on the experiments I currently
have going on." Sam said looking directly at me, her blue eye's meeting my brown ones
for the first time in a long, long time.
"So, maybe we could go out for dinner?" I asked waiting with a trembling heart, to be
shot down once more. After all, who knows me better than Sam? She has certainly seen
me at my worst over the past three years. Who knows how many times my nightmares
have woken her up during our off-world missions?
"You mean when I get back?" came her tentative response.
"Hmm. No." I mumbled, nervously "like maybe I can catch a hop from Peterson AFB to
Nellis, when I get the downtime, and you visit me when you have leave. We'll take it
slow, see where this leads us."
"You know Jack," Sam said, her blue eyes bright and shining "that sounds like a plan to
me!"
To be Continued in "All About Family" Coming Soon.