Should I Be Worried: Chapter 1
Author's Note: The characters all belong to E.L. James. Thanks to her for allowing us to use them. All errors are mine….forgive me, but I don't know where this story is going. It's just something I felt compelled to write.
APOV
Sitting on the exam table, I waited as patiently as I could for Dr. Woolard to join me. I've never been a big fan of a visit to the gynecologist and so I confess that I've actually been putting it off for a few years now.
The whole procedure just always seemed so invasive even if the doctor is a woman. All of the touching and probing and the questions about periods, discharges and how my sex life was just always made me apprehensive to go. But Christian finally convinced me that I should get a check-up since having our big baby talk. So here I sit swaddled in my cloth gown, naked as a jaybird underneath, trying my hardest to stop moving around which only causes the odd white sanitary paper to crinkle more beneath me.
My feet are freezing and all I want is to go home. Christian is waiting for me to call to let him know that everything went alright, and I want to climb into a hot tub and just relax.
I'm debating if I have time to grab my socks when the door opens and Dr. Woolard walks in, greeting me with a kind smile and the offer of a lukewarm handshake.
Why are doctor's hands always so cold?
"Ana. Good to see you again, it's been a while," she says while looking over my chart.
I feel sufficiently scolded even if she worded it kindly.
"Yeah, life has been pretty busy lately. I got married you know," I added with a huge grin on my face, flashing her my three carat diamond engagement ring with diamond encrusted wedding band. Christian had wanted to go bigger, somewhere in the 6 to 7 carat range but I put a stop to that quickly. It was bad enough that my hand was essentially insured with what I currently wore, much less if I wore something twice as big. I loved Christian's choice and needed nothing more.
"That is lovely, Ana. I'm so happy that things seem to be going well for you."
Putting my chart down, she walked to the sink to wash her hands before asking me what I had come to see her for today.
"Christian and I have started talking about the possibility of starting a family and well," I looked down at my folded hands, a bit embarrassed to state the next part, "I want to make sure that everything is alright. That we won't have any problems once I stop getting my birth control shot."
"There's certainly nothing to be embarrassed about with that Ana. In fact, that's very good, proactive thinking on your part."
Her warm smile put me more at ease that I had made the right decision to have the exam even if I wasn't a big fan of the intrusiveness of it all.
"How about you lie down and we'll start off with what everyone seems to hate first and go ahead and get that out of the way, okay?"
As I lay down, getting myself as comfortable as possible, Dr. Woolard stuck her head out the door and called another nurse in to join us. That nurse went about setting out exam equipment that would have had even Christian blushing.
"Okay sweetie, just scoot down a little further and I'll help you get your feet up into the stirrups."
A large paper cloth was draped over my lap before my legs were hoisted up and my heels touched the cold metal of the stirrups.
Dr. Woolard's head emerged from in front of my closed knees to tell me everything she was about to do. Granted that made me feel marginally better, but I still was not looking forward to this part.
"Deep breaths, Ana. I'll make this as quick and painless as possible."
Yeah, painless. Tell that to my vagina that was about to be wedged open to almost twice the size of my husband's rather impressively sized cock, all before a small wand is inserted to clip a piece of tissue from inside of me.
"And here's the snip," she said right before I cringed at the stinging feeling.
The nurse helping Dr. Woolard handed her the specimen tray and everything was sealed away neatly to be shipped off to the lab.
"Alright, hard part is over. That wasn't so bad, now was it?" I tried hard not to give her the stink-eye at her comment. Let me rummage around in your honey pot with a bristle brush and we'll see if you agree that it's 'not so bad'.
"Now, I'm going to help you scoot up further onto the table and we are going to do a breast exam, alright?"
This part I was alright with. Granted I didn't like other people playing fast and loose with my breasts, but I knew it was the last part of the exam. Christian really didn't like the idea of someone else messing with his favorite play toy, but once I explained why it was necessary he seemed at least tolerant of it.
Dr. Woolard rubbed her hands together to warm them up a bit before untying my gown top and sliding the right side open.
I was grateful for her at least attempting to warm up her icing digits before she proceeded, but her efforts didn't help much. She still caused me to gasp a little at her touch to which she apologized before she continued on with the exam.
Slowly, she rotated the tips of her fingers from the furthest edge of my breast in towards my nipple, palpating here and there as she went. Finishing with the right side she covered me back up before revealing the left side and starting the same procedure.
I knew that questions were the norm during examinations, but I couldn't help but wonder if the questions weren't just used to break the awkward tension the silence was creating in the room.
"Ana, do you do normal breast exams of yourself?"
Normal breast exams? Christian would be the best person to ask about the texture and feel of my breasts, he was constantly fondling them. He was definitely a boob man. The thought made me blush slightly as I answered the doctor.
"I admit I probably don't do it as often as I should. Why? Is there something wrong?"
She wasn't staring at me as she did the exam. She was staring at the wall as she once again started over massaging and rotating her fingers along my left breast.
Covering me back up, she grabbed my hand and helped me to sit back up before she retook her seat on the rolling chair.
"It's probably nothing, Ana but I want to send you to have a mammogram done."
Mammogram? That must mean she felt something. Is something wrong with me?
I closed my gown and gathered it around my body. The air in the room suddenly seemed much colder than it had started off and my mind was beginning to spin as I thought of all the horrible things that could be wrong with me.
"Ana," Dr. Woolard said as she took my free hand in hers, "don't over think this. Young women often will have small lumps form in their breasts and they end up being nothing. Believe it or not your body is still growing and changing and women can develop small cysts that turn out to be completely harmless."
Completely harmless. A cyst. How can an abnormal growth in your body be completely harmless?
"I'm going to check with the office next door and see if they can go ahead and see you that way you aren't left worry about it for several days before another appointment can be made, okay?"
I shook my head completely at a loss for words. All I could think was that something wasn't right, I could just feel it. Everything was going too perfect for Christian and I right now. We had finally gotten rid of that witch, Mrs. Robinson, we were married and blissfully in love, our house was being finished and we were talking about starting a family. Of course a major catastrophe was going to happen, good things just don't happen to us for too long.
Doctor Woolard came back and told me that they could see me in twenty minutes and to go ahead and get dressed and head on over. I dressed on auto pilot putting my bra and panties on, shirt and short, socks and shoes. Christian said I looked comfortable this morning before he left for work. I told him that I wanted to dress comfortably if someone was going to be torturing my lady bits. He just laughed and kissed me goodbye.
As I slowly made my way over to the other section of the women's clinic and gave my name at the window I kept thinking what I was going to tell Christian.
If God forbid something was wrong Christian would go to hell and back trying to fix it. He would turn over every stone to make sure I had the best of everything to make me better if I were sick.
Sick.
God, how can I be sick?
I tried to give myself a mental shake. Stop it Ana, you don't know anything yet. This could all be precautionary and turn out to be absolutely nothing. You are making Kilimanjaro out of a mole hill right now.
I was quickly called back to yet another examination room where the nurse instructed me to take everything off from the waist up. She also told me to use the wet wipes to wash off any deodorant I might have on so that the machine didn't pick that up.
I couldn't help but think how odd and funny that was. A several thousand dollar machine might be fooled by my Secret deodorant, but I did as I was told.
I once again found myself sitting in a waiting room wrapped in a tacky gown with less coverage than should be allowed to remain decent.
Two other women were already waiting and one of them could see my apprehension about what I was about to do and attempted to draw me into a conversation.
"Have you had this done before, dear?"
She was a kindly woman well up in years in comparison to me, so because of sheer common courtesy I decided I should answer her.
"No, this is my first time and I'm a little nervous to be honest." I'm not sure if the smile I cast her was a real one or a grimace but she attempted to set my mind at ease that it wouldn't be as bad as I probably was imagining.
The only thing about this procedure I had reference to were the old stories my mom used to tell me about how they would flatten her like a pancake and that all you could do was hold your breath and pray it was over soon.
I caught her one time putting Neosporin underneath her breast one time where she said that the machine had broken the skin because it pulled so hard. I was horrified and swore I'd never have one done until it was absolutely necessary.
Well apparently that necessary day was today.
The woman proceeded to tell me all about how it wasn't as bad as giving birth. I held off on telling her that I hadn't done that either for fear that she might break into a detailed description of labor pains and nipple leakage.
It wasn't long before she was called back and I was left alone with my thoughts.
What do I do if I am sick?
That very question scared me to death.
To some it might seem silly. I mean come on, breasts. They are just two blobs of flesh that hang from your chest. Granted mine entertain Christian, but beyond that they hadn't really done much else for me. So what was I so worried about? Women have boob jobs every day. Christian would buy me a hundred boob jobs if that made me happy.
As I tried to talk myself out of the dark places my mind was suddenly wandering my hand fell over my chest where my cross necklace lay.
"Please God, help me on this one. I don't know that I deserve it, but please, don't leave me right now," I found myself quietly praying.
The nurse called my name and I rose from my seat and followed her out.
The exam room where the 3-D mammogram machine was at was small in comparison to some of the other rooms. Looking at the machine, I'm not sure what I was expecting but it didn't look nearly as scary as I had pictured it.
The technician was a kind looking woman who greeted me with a smile and a positive attitude. I found that I liked her immediately and so when she told me that we were going to start in a moment after the machine reset I found I didn't mind waiting with her.
Once the machine was ready she explained that she was going to put tiny sensors over my nipples so that the machine would use them as reference points. It was kind of funny having these tiny metal chips over my nipples but all of the humor was gone once we actually began the procedure.
My mom's description of the procedure had me fearing the worse but in actuality it wasn't as bad as I had feared.
Was it the most comfortable thing in the world? No, of course not. Was it as bad as the pelvic exam and internal vaginal exam? Absolutely not!
Yes, she pulled and tugged me here and there. Yes, I was standing in a few awkward positions, but overall it wasn't that bad plus it went quickly.
Before I knew it, I was finished. The technician told me how to get back to the changing area and I was given freedom to change and go.
Before I left the nurse told me that I'd be receiving a call soon to let me know how everything went. I confess that I left a bit more positive than I went into the office.
After getting into my car I picked up my cell phone and pulled up Christian's number, ready to call him. Something inside of me just couldn't press the send button though.
I adore my husband and I treasure every moment I could share with him, but right then and there I just didn't want to talk…to anyone. I wasn't sure what I could say to him. I couldn't tell him everything was fine because in all honesty I didn't know if everything was fine. I didn't want to tell him about the appointment because he would ask me more questions than I probably had answers for which would just frustrate him. So instead I texted him that I was finished with my appointment and was headed home. I would see him tonight when he got home and that I loved him.
He must have been busy because I received a text shortly afterwards telling me he loved me too and that he would see me at home around six.
After arriving home, I told Gail that I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to take a hot bath and lay down for a little while before Christian arrived. She said she would make sure dinner was ready for us around 7 so that Christian would have time to change once home.
Going upstairs to our room, I took off my clothes as I turned on the faucet to fill the tub with water. After adding some bubbles I stepped into the hot water. I probably shouldn't have run the bath so warm, but the bite of the water was a welcome change to the numb feeling I was currently experiencing.
As I lay there thinking, different possibilities kept racing through my head. I knew I was stressing about something before there was anything really to worry about, but I couldn't help the negative thoughts that were flying through my brain.
I must have been soaking there for longer than I realized because I eventually heard Christian as he entered the room. After a moment he came strolling into the bathroom, his dress shirt untucked from his pants, tie cast off earlier and the sexiest smile I'd seen in a long time on his face as he rolled up his sleeves.
Kneeling down beside the tub he leaned over and kissed me as though he hadn't seen me for months. It was the kind of kiss that took your breath away and left you wishing it would never stop. I felt dizzy and lightheaded, but in a good way.
As he pulled back from our kiss, I watched as the tip of his tongue swiped over his bottom lip as if he were tasting me on his lips.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Grey," he said, looking deeply into my eyes. He always greeted me this way. He once told me that he loved the fact that I was marked with his name and it did something to him inside whenever he was reminded of it.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Grey," I answered, reaching up with my wet hand to softly caress the sexy five o'clock shadow that now graced my beautiful husband's face.
"How did your day go?" He asked as he got up and walked to the vanity to get a sip of water.
I knew that I needed to tell him about my appointment. I knew he needed to know so that if it did turn out to be something that we would be able to face this head on. I knew that once Christian knew, he would do everything in his power to put my mind at ease. But somehow, saying it all out loud scared me.
He turned to look at me as I silently thought of how to start the conversation I knew I needed to have with him.
Christian has always been able to read me like a book and today was no different. He sat his water cup down on the counter and came back to the tub, pulling a short stepstool over to sit on so that he was close to me.
"Baby, what's wrong?" He reached into the water and grabbed my hand, pulling it into his own.
"Christian, you know I went to get a check-up at the gynecologist today right?"
"Of course, you texted after it was over to say you were headed home but you didn't say anything more. I figured you'd tell me about it once I got home."
I bit my lip as I turned my head from him. I couldn't look at him as I said this. My worry about what could be was enough, I couldn't handle watching fear of the unknown cross my strong husbands face.
"Christian," I took a deep breath before I continued, "while I was there Dr. Woolard mentioned some concerns she had regarding something she thought might be irregular when she did my breast exam. She didn't want to alarm me, but she also wanted to be sure of what she was feeling so she sent me next door to have a mammogram."
You could literally feel the tension in the room rise as Christian absorbed what I could possibly be telling him.
Reaching over he gently tilted my chin until I was looking directly into his eyes once more. As his stormy gray eyes met my blue I suddenly could feel my emotions and worry catching up to me and my eyes began to fill with the unshed tears I had been fighting back all day.
"Baby," he paused as he placed his hand free hand against my neck, "should I be worried?"
Author's note: I have no idea how long this story will be…and in all honesty I don't know right now where it's going. Some say writing is cathartic, for me, right now, it has been. I'll update again soon.