She doesn't like it.
As a matter of fact she hates it.
Not that she'd ever admit that to herself, and it's not like anyone else could know.
The only mind reader she knows has no access to her mind and she hasn't seen the one person that can read her like a book in a while now.
Her sun. She wants to feel that warmth again. Even though she's around cold creatures, the pain has not been numbed. It sears through her chest like dry ice, but she doesn't go see him. It would make Edward unhappy. It's not like she could anyway.
She's not allowed to. It's for her safety, of course. He's just concerned for her well being. She's better when she's not near them, he says. He never really mentions him.
In theory...
It works, sort of. Because it would just be too ridiculous to have her hanging around with werewolves. Two different types of mythological creatures, and enemies at that, is far too much. She can only have one, so she stays with the one that provides her with the most safety. After all, who cares about happiness, and sunshine, and smiles, and family, and babies, and jokes, and dreams, and cookies and muffins,and lo... right??? In any case, it is much safer for her to be around overbearing, blood lusting vampires. Duh.
In practice...
In practice she's dying inside, but she takes it. She's not really sure why. Maybe it's just the fact that subconsciously she knows that if she does anything about it, if she does what she wants to, it will mean the end of something. And she's worked too hard on that something, telling herself and everyone around her that she's nothing without that something. She convinces herself, carries it in her mind like an anchor. Ending that something would be like committing suicide. That is how she keeps herself in place, how she takes the pain and keeps it hidden. But she was never a good actress. Everyone knows that.
And perhaps she is safer, physically, in theory. She knows they would never attack her. After all they have done so much for her, what a waste it would be if they slipped. Not to mention the effects that would have. Almost the entire family loves her, almost. They love her very dearly so.
The only exception doesn't entirely hate her either. She just strongly dislikes her. Not that Bella is a bad person, well….no, not that. Although, Bella has shown herself to be a rather selfish person, but then again almost everyone is, so Rosalie doesn't really hold that against her. It's just that Rosalie is the only one who sees things as they are. And so she knows how stupid Bella is. She tried helping, it was hard for her, but she tried. She figured she would have wanted somebody to try to save her. She never wanted this, to this day she wishes she could die- a real death. But perhaps her purpose for still being here is so Bella can live. Or so she thought. Because she tried. She really, really tried. Now she just thinks that maybe some people like to be treated like crap and maybe some people really enjoy the idea of dying a really eternal and miserable non-death. Maybe that's just Bella's thing.
'Yeah', Rosalie thinks, 'Maybe it is her thing. Maybe she enjoys being watched, patronized, and controlled. I bet she'll enjoy being lifeless, cold, and hard, too.'
But Rosalie knows better, she can see that even the stupid little human is starting to grow a brain. Perhaps one day soon she'll grow enough to figure out what they are really doing to her. She might see that they are taking her life away, and they haven't even murdered her yet.
But then she'd have to grow some guts, too. Rosalie isn't so sure Bella is capable of those.
After all, everyone can she how much she worships them all, but dear god, she really idolizes Edward. Rosalie doesn't get it, but then again she doesn't get a lot of human things anymore, but she wants to. Even if she doesn't get human things that much anymore, she gets them the most, out of her family that is. And it really gets to her to watch Bella offer her life away. No, not even that. She just throws it away, as if it wasn't worth anything. It's worth everything.
But even if Bella grew a brain and some guts, it might not be enough. She would need something else too. Perhaps if she would stop being so self-deprecating and thinking a little more highly as herself instead of wanting to kiss the floor Edward walks on. Yeah, some self-esteem would do Bella some good.
That's why Rosalie likes the dogs. Bella always acted different when she was with the dogs, especially with Jacob. Like a real person who was worth something. Irony. 'It's fitting, only for Bella though', she thinks, 'Massive, built, lively, oddly graceful, shape-shifting supermen give awkward, clumsy, plain Bella a boost in self-esteem. Hurray.'
Rosalie likes him. Not Jacob himself, per se, but the idea of him. Although, she must admit the dog isn't really bad at all, he's actually a lot like Emmett. So she likes him. He represents everything she yearns for, he is everything. He is life. If only she were Bella, if only she had the choice.
But Bella doesn't have a choice, or so she keeps telling herself.
And that's what she'll say till the end, even if the pain and her dreams and her thoughts and her heart scream otherwise.
So she'll die.
And when she does she too will wish with all her unbeating heart that she had grown a brain, some guts, and perhaps a little self-esteem. She'll wish she could go back, back to her best friend. And she'll try, she'll try several times.
But then she'll remember that her heart stopped beating.
A/N: Okay so, with this being my first piece ever and all, how would you guys like to be so kind as to let me know what you though about it. Please, I'm kinda freaking out here.
Also, I know this one ends a little on the 'ouch' side, but I think I might just write a multi-chapter fic where Bella does indeed grow a brain, some guts, and perhaps a little self-esteem. What do you think?
Thank you and review... pretty please! =D