And So It Goes
Lorelai resigns herself to the fact Luke is gone. Post-'Say Something' but no spoilers
L/L, or lack thereof to be more precise, as seen from Lorelai's side of things. One part.
I'm sure this will get lost in the shuffle of the million and one additions to this episode that will inevitably turn up out there… But it was just something I had to write. Not only was that episode depressing, but I'm essentially leaving civilization for a month and that episode it the last Gilmore Girls I get to see until sometime in March. Not exactly the way to leave things, if you ask me.
Anyway, the title, as some may recognize, is from a Billy Joel song by the same name. Now I'm not a huge Billy Joel fan by any means, nor do I ever use songs in my stories, but I do love this particular song. And it just seemed so perfectly melancholy and bittersweet, and so fitting for the way I saw Lorelai in that episode. I know a lot of people will probably just skip even reading thelyrics, but if you've the urge and haven't heard it before, I'm certain that it's an easy enough song to find, either on a downloading service, or somewhere in someone's CD collection. Hopefully at least some readers will hear it or read it and understand how I see it as appropriate for this story and episode.
Please let me know what you think of it. Good or bad, feedback is always helpful :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls, except for the Season 1 and 2 dvd sets, and this little tangent to an episode. Everything else is the WB's and the Palladinos'.
And So It Goes
In every heart there is a room I spoke to you in cautious tones And every time I've held a rose But if my silence made you leave And this is why my eyes are closed So I would choose to be with you And so it goes, and so it goes
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And you're the only one who knows
Lorelai closed her office door behind her and unceremoniously collapsed into the chair behind her desk. The tears were due any second now, she lamented morosely as she bit her lip, trying to muster up any shred of dignity for herself. It was no use. Her eyes welled up on cue, and the sniffles kicked in not long after.
God, she was such a liar. Such a fucking liar.
Even after everything that had started the whole debacle, she still found herself lying to Luke. To everyone. She so was that girl. The one who cried and fell apart.
Over the past week, she'd managed what seemed to be a believable façade of stoic resignation. For the town, for Rory, for those goddamned ribbons, since she'd first done it for Luke as she handed him his answering machine tape, she'd kept her head held high and walked with that same air of confidence that Lorelai Gilmore had always possessed. Everyone around her was none the wiser, save perhaps for Sookie, who'd had the privilege of waltzing into Lorelai's office unannounced, only to find her best friend puffy and sniffle-y, complete with teary, bloodshot eyes and damp mascara-streaked cheeks.
For that was what happened to Lorelai behind closed doors. She turned into that girl. She fell apart. She completely and utterly shattered. Every time. Of course, she mused to herself, Lorelai Gilmore never did anything at less than one hundred percent, complete with fanfare and marching bands. Why should her falling apart over Luke be anything different?
But of course she pulled herself back together every time. She had to. Though she knew as well as anyone, knew that the pieces never quite add back up to the whole. Whether it was sticking a kid's chipped playdough sculpture back together with glue, or sewing over a popped seam, no matter how good it looks, it's never quite as strong as before. Things always gave way again at those spots of weakness. It was the same for her. She knew that it was only a matter of time. She knew there was only so much putting back together you could do. She just didn't know how much more she could take.
Staring blankly out the window, not even fighting the tears, she recalled her words to Rory that first day. He could have been the one.
She snorted in self-deprecation. Bullshit. Could have been…
No wonder she was alone again. She was a miserable, wretched, selfish, manipulative, lying shell of a person. Apparently she'd even taken to lying to her own daughter. There was no Luke could have been the one. He was the one.
And now he wasn't.
And he wouldn't ever be again. He didn't want to be. He didn't want her.
And it was killing her. Slowly eating her alive.
This was nothing like anything she'd ever done before. Other breakups were rarely about the person. Other breakups left her stewing over a cup of coffee at Luke's, lamenting the fact that her marital status had once again returned to pathetically single. Luke would pour the coffee, lecture her about drinking too much coffee, allow her a little time, and eventually tell her whatever guy it had been wasn't worth it, she was better than him, and she should forget him and move on.
She couldn't do that this time. Sure she'd tried, in the midst of what she liked to think was the absolute weakest moment of her entire life. She tried calling Luke and… Well, it just didn't work.
This time there would be no moping over coffee at Luke's, bemoaning her fate of being terminally single, hoping to find a new guy. She didn't want a Larry. She knew, in the deepest depths of her soul, the she could never force herself to look for a Larry. In her heart, Lorelai knew it was Luke or nothing.
It was looking to be a long forty years ahead of her.
With a sigh at that overwhelmingly depressing thought, Lorelai slipped out of her coat and booted up her computer.
Step one of trying to feign a normal existence as proprietor of a successful new inn – check.
Step two, checking phone messages and emails and such would wait. As had been her routine since returning to work earlier in the week. Days dragged on for Lorelai, as every little thing in her normal schedule that she did was punctuated with a drift off into melancholy contemplation. Sometimes she ended up crying again, sometimes she didn't. It was all a blur, really. Sometimes something would jar her back into reality, and she'd realize it had been two hours since she'd done anything productive. Other time the daze would be short-lived, as the painful memories she'd happened to hit upon at that given time were too much to bear for more than a few minutes.
And such was Lorelai's new life. Of course everything took longer, things didn't always get done quite on time… But it also meant that it all required her to stretch her days from a normal nine-ish hour day into fifteen or sixteen hour days. Which was fine by her. Yes, she certainly wasn't winning any medals when it came to escaping her thoughts and tearful breakdowns while at the inn, but at home, with nothing to do but stare at all the places Luke had been, all the things Luke had fixed…. That she couldn't take.
It was all working out fairly well actually. Long hours at the inn meant that every meal could be eaten there. Rory's sustenance stash from that first day had been plowed through in no time, and the food groups at home were once again diminished to tap water and the same moldy bread. If it could be considered bread anymore at all…
Lorelai gazed out the window, wondering halfheartedly if the mold could actually take over the whole loaf of bread to the point that no actual bread remained. She'd just been coming to the conclusion that she couldn't care less about old bread at all when she heard a soft knock at the door to her office.
"Lorelai?" Sookie's voice was muffled through the thick wood, but the timid undertone came across clearly. She knew the fragile state Lorelai had been in for the past few days, so she tread cautiously.
"Yeah Sook," sniffled Lorelai, as she quickly swiped at her damp cheeks with her sleeve. "I'm here." She mustered up a wan smile as Sookie entered the small room.
"Hey you," Sookie retuned the smile sympathetically. "How're you doing sweetie?"
At that question, Lorelai let out a feeble sigh, followed by a facetious "Swell." She knew Sookie was only trying to help… There was just no helping the situation.
Inching her way into the room, Sookie held out a large mug as a peace offering, "I brought you some coffee…" She trailed off, eliciting no response from Lorelai other than an empty stare. "I hadn't seen you in the kitchen yet, I thought you might want…"
"Sure Sookie, thanks." Lorelai reached for the mug, though she didn't really want it. Yet another testament to the complete unrecognizable nature her life had taken on in recent days. She didn't even want coffee.
In any case, it was just easier to pacify Sookie by taking the stupid cup than to have to rehash the entire emotional ordeal out loud once again. Because of course, that's where it would lead. And Sookie, sweet as she was, was just too scatterbrained and would just end up telling another horribly depressing tale, courtesy of Katie Couric.
Her first sip had barely passed her lips when she knew.
Loreali forced herself to swallow before she gave an icy glare to her friend. "Sookie."
"What honey?" Sookie fidgeted, never one to hide a lie or a secret well.
"This is not inn coffee Sookie." Lorelai kept her tone flat as she rested the offending mug on her desk.
"Uh huh," Sookie protested in earnest, wide-eyed. "I just tried adding a little…"
Lorelai cut her off. "This is Luke's coffee."
Sookie's face fell. "Yeah," she groaned dejectedly. She should have known she'd know. "Jackson had berries to bring there, and then some to bring here, so he figured he'd… Since he was there… And you hadn't… In a while…" Her babble trailed off as she caught sight of Lorelai's eyes growing shiny and red again. "He was just trying to do something nice for you…" She rushed to Lorelai's side and embraced her just in time for this latest round of sobs.
"I know Sookie," Lorelai sniffled over he friend's shoulder, "I just… I… I don't know, I just can't."
Sookie's heart ached for her broken friend, "I'm so sorry Lorelai…" She rubbed Lorelai's back, trying her best to soothe her cries.
Lorelai quickly pulled away, cursing herself for yet another blatant show of weakness. She hated burdening other people with her problems. "I know," she declared resolutely, "I'm fine."
Sookie eyed Lorelai doubtfully. It wasn't as if she hadn't known that Lorelai's case, as stated, was insanely weak, but the streaks of eyeliner and mascara were certainly the kicker. "No you're not."
"I'll be fine," Lorelai insisted, just wanting her alone time back more than anything.
"Not like this you won't." Sookie had no intention of backing down at this point. Lorelai had had her allowable quantity of wallowing time, but now she had to do something. "You've got to talk this over with him hon," she prodded gently.
"I tried that Sookie!" Lorelai wailed loudly in frustration, "What else can I fucking do? He doesn't want to talk to me, he doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want me." She bit her lip, trying in vain to will herself not to cry yet again.
"Yes he does…" Sookie pointed out calmly.
Lorelai responded with a strangled laugh, scoffing at Sookie's pesky optimism. The fatalist in her knew better. "No, he made it quite clear that he doesn't."
"Lorelai…"
The frustration and exasperation at Sookie, at Luke, at life was too much, "Sookie I can't win!" Lorelai cried, "There's nothing I can do. This whole thing started with me not saying enough to him, not telling him everything. That didn't work. I lay it all out there for him in Doose's, that doesn't work either. Hell, that went over even worse. And here we are." She ended her rant with a tone of finality as she began flipping through stacks of paper on her desk.
But Sookie wouldn't drop it. "Lorelai…"
Slamming the stack of papers back down to her desk, Lorelai's arms flew up in the heat of her emotions as she launched into more ramblings. "Does he really think that I wouldn't cut my parents out of my life for him? Does he really think I wouldn't get rid of Christopher for him? Sookie, I'd drop everything and move to a bunker in rural Montana so he could live out a life-long fantasy of starting the Unabomber revival if he wanted me to! How can he not know that?" What had started out as yelling at Sookie, and had turned into yelling at Luke, had ended suddenly, with her last question barely making it out as a tentative, frightened whisper.
"I don't…" Sookie balked, and trailed off. As much as she wanted to help Lorelai move on, or fix things, or whatever, she had no idea how to answer that question.
"I love him Sookie."
Lorelai's hushed, resigned tone only served to show Sookie exactly how true the words were, and exactly how much she needed to push Lorelai into fixing things. "Lorelai, does he know that?" She asked pointedly, "Have you told him that?"
Lorelai scoffed at the question, of course he knew. "No, but I…" He had to know. Did he really know? How could he know? "Shit." Her choice word hung in the air, the realization that went along with it almost a tangible entity in the small room. She was such a hypocrite… "You know how we got started in the first place? He was ranting about all that letting your actions speak crap, and I of course told him that that wasn't good enough. And here I am, fucking doing the exact same thing, expecting him to just know… How could I not tell him that?" She trailed off with a whimper as she collapsed into Sookie's arms again.
"Aw, hun…"
"But it's too late," Lorelai sobbed, "It doesn't matter, it's over, I screwed it up…"
Sookie pulled back from Lorelai, grasping her shoulders and staring her right in the eyes. She spoke slowly and clearly, as if speaking to Davey, or another equally small child, "Lorelai, talk to him."
"I told you, I tried that. I may not have said those words, but he knows enough. He knows me. He knows I am ready to talk this into the ground. I've tried that. It's his call now. I'll just drive him farther away…" She trailed off wistfully, musing that that probably wasn't even possible. He'd have to pack up and physically move away to get any farther than he already was. She tried not to think of that as a real possibility, though knowing Taylor, it couldn't have been that farfetched… She couldn't bear to think about that…
Fortunately, Michel chose that moment to poke his nose in her office and be his annoying self, saving her from pondering the possibility that her situation could technically get even worse. "Are we done weeth zis whiney sob session yet? Zere are annoying hungry people een zee dining room."
Lorelai smiled. At least some things never changed… "Yeah, yeah, sorry Michel. Sookie, go do breakfast. I'm just gonna go talk a walk for a bit. Get some air."
Sookie's eyes lit up in obvious anticipation of Lorelai going to confront Luke, "Are you…"
Her excited questioning was nipped in the bud by Lorelai's matter of fact response, "No, just a walk. Just a walk." Grabbing her jacket and purse, complete with the essentials to repair her wayward eye makeup, she headed for a touch-up in the bathroom before leaving. "Bye guys..."
The mascara situation was quickly remedied, and she was on her way out the back door of the inn within minutes. She still couldn't bear to use the front door – Now that it was all over, it hurt too much to return to the very spot it began…
Not really sure of the purpose of her impromptu stroll, Lorelai wandered aimlessly towards the center of town, winding up and down the side streets along the way. Winter was nearly over, she noted. All that was left of her beloved snow was a few sad, gray, icy piles of gravely slush on the corners. Leaves on the trees would be coming soon. As Hallmark card-y as it was, Lorelai had to admit that there was something comforting about the whole 'spring' thing, new beginnings, new life and all that. And it only seemed more appropriate that particular year. She was going to need a new beginning herself. It had only been a week, so yeah, the wounds were a little fresh, but life goes on. It had to.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't even realize that she'd meandered her way to the sidewalk in front of Luke's. Obviously she hadn't been there since the… break up. She still cringed at thinking of it as that… But if it looks like a duck… She sighed.
Finally noticing her surroundings, she glanced up through the window of the diner. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt the sting of new tears in her eyes as she caught a glimpse of Luke as he disappeared into the kitchen. He was getting along just fine without her… She'd have to force herself to do the same…
She couldn't tear her gaze away from the doorway he'd just gone through, though whether she was hoping he'd come back out, or terrified that he'd do so, she wasn't quite sure.
What finally distracted her was a little flutter of movement near her foot as a warm breeze blew by. Startled, she turned her gaze downward, snorting at the irony of the object now lying just beyond her toes. Taylor… Crouching down, she delicately picked up the small orphaned bow.
Just as she stood back up, Luke apparently decided to return to the dining room, hands full of plates.
Their eyes met through the window, catching both of them by surprise. Neither could have been sure how long they remained frozen, each trying to say with their gazes what could not be said with words. Lorelai recovered first, and meekly offered a shy smile and a timid wave of the hand still clutching the ribbon.
The sight of said ribbon did not go unnoticed by Luke, who did a slight double-take as Lorelai waved. Outside, Lorelai, in turn, noticed Luke's noticing of the ribbon. She had no idea how to gauge his reaction, so she bit back those pesky tears, shrugged in response, and proceeded to pin the bow on the lapel of her coat, her eyes never leaving Luke's. They both remained as such for a split second longer, before, she assumed, someone yelled at him about food, and he went on his way, delivering plates.
Whatever the moment had been, it was over. And nothing had changed. So Lorelai turned and headed back towards the inn. She still had her life to live.
Back inside the diner, Luke was back to delivering plates of food to his impatient patrons. And all the while, he couldn't help but recall how perfectly Lorelai's eyes matched the blue of her ribbon.
And so it went.