English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Waiting Time
"I'm fine, Jona, really—"
"But, Cagalli, don't you think it's inappropriate—"
Standing near the bottom of the stairs just outside the entrance of a hall and looking at and listening to the two people at the top of the stairs, Athrun was wondering whether he should go and intervene. In fact, he was itching to do so.
He glanced at the chauffeur inside the limousine a short distance away. The middle-aged man who had served the Athha family for decades, like his father and grandfather before him, shook his head. Whether to show he was feeling the same way or to advise him not to intervene, Athrun wasn't sure. It was probably both. It was probably better to leave it to Cagalli to get rid of Jona. His mind agreed. His heart had a different opinion, of course, but he was quite used to ignoring it.
So he silently waited for a minute until Jona finally made a dramatic gesture, expressing his disappointment, and pulled Cagalli into a hug, which caused her body—and his—to flinch. She awkwardly hugged Jona back while the man's hands caressed her bare shoulders as if he owned her body—owned her.
Then, Jona's eyes caught his, and a smug smirk spread across the man's face. Athrun barely stopped himself from gritting his teeth, and managed a blank expression, though he had to avert his eyes.
When he turned his eyes back in their direction after several moments, Jona was already going back inside, his back toward him. Cagalli was descending the steps toward him. This time, it was her eyes that met his. Her face softened. His did, too. His body started to relax a little.
He opened the limousine door for her, and she went inside with an appreciative smile. He followed. After they seated themselves on comfortable cushions, the limousine started smoothly.
Sinking deeper into the seat and releasing a tired sigh, Cagalli stretched her arms, her fingers interlaced. Then, she looked at him with a concerned face. "How are you feeling? You must've been pretty bored."
"Not really. Being on guard isn't so boring," he casually replied, trying to hide the feeling of restlessness he had felt as he watched her mingle with important people, talking about politics, military, and the peace, while he was just standing at the side and not doing much.
It seemed his attempt was successful enough. Her face relaxed, and she leaned against him and placed her head on his shoulder. "You know, I'm glad you came with me. I feel better when you are around."
Softening his eyes, he draped his arm over her shoulders and caressed her arm.
She gave a long breath. "I hate parties."
"I know."
"And dresses."
It took him a moment to answer, the sight of Jona's hands on her exposed skin flashing in his mind. He glanced at her green and white dress. He had thought she looked pretty in it, but the dress seemed to have lost its charm after the man's vulgar behavior. "I know," he managed. To his relief, she didn't seem to find the pause weird. Nor his hand squeezing her shoulder tightly.
They were soon back in the Athha mansion, welcomed by Myrna and other servants. Cagalli started for her chambers, with her caretaker ahead and him and a few maids behind. In the middle of climbing the stairs, she inclined her body toward him. "Hey, can you fetch me the papers on my desk in the study?"
Myrna stopped and turned around with a disapproving face. "My Lady, you must be tired after the party. And you didn't have much sleep last night. You need to rest."
"I know, I know," Cagalli said dismissively. "I just want to review some reports. It won't be long." The older woman didn't look convinced. Cagalli pressed on. "It's my job, Myrna. You know it can't be put off."
Although her eyebrows were still knitted in a worried frown, Myrna released a resigned sigh. "Just don't stay up too late, all right?" she said before turning around and resuming climbing the stairs, as if she was disciplining a stubborn, worrisome child, which he supposed was exactly what Cagalli was to the older woman.
"Sure," Cagalli replied, making a face in his direction, to which he gave a smile.
Although he had not said to anyone, he rather liked to watch the exchanges between Cagalli and her caretaker. They reminded him of his childhood, not of himself and his own mother for he had never been a troublesome child, but more of Kira and his mother.
In fact, his own exchanges with Cagalli tended to remind him of his childhood. As it had been with Kira, he often ended up reprimanding Cagalli for her actions or words. It made her pout and grumble, like it had Kira, though he would say her reaction was more expressive, and cuter.
He actually liked her childishness. Seeing her act like that was somehow relieving and amusing. He didn't mind her behavior as much in private. But she was now the Chief Representative of Orb and had to act like it during her job, and, for she tended to forget what was appropriate, she needed someone to remind her of that. He considered it as a part of his job.
His attitude was welcomed by Myrna who was eager to make Cagalli act more like a lady, which had led to the woman's acceptance of him. His upbringing that had made him quite a gentleman had contributed as well. Although Cagalli's former nanny had turned suspicious eyes to him at first and disapproved of his visiting Cagalli's chambers at late night, she didn't object to it anymore. Though she still warned them to behave themselves once in a while.
Like the look she sent to him as she left Cagalli's sitting chamber while he entered it with the documents Cagalli had sent him for in hands.
He gave the woman a polite smile and a nod. "Good night, Myrna-san."
"Good night, Athrun-sama," the woman replied with a satisfied smile.
The servants of this manor were aware of who he really was. Although he didn't care which of his names they used, Cagalli insisted they should call him Athrun. So they followed their mistress's instruction unless someone who didn't know his real identity was around.
Myrna added, "Don't let her work long."
He gave another nod. "I know. I'll make sure she gets enough sleep."
"Hey, stop talking about me like that!" Cagalli yelled from a couch, clad in a dressing gown and holding a teacup. "I can take care of myself."
He and Myrna just shared a knowing look before the woman closed the door.
Cagalli began to review the two reports he had brought—one on recent military affairs and one on the relationship with PLANT—and he assisted her by discussing the matters with her, offering an insight as a former soldier or a former PLANT resident. It was usual for them to talk about the matters she was working on, even if he wasn't familiar with the matter. She preferred to speak what was on her mind with others while organizing her thoughts, and he was happy to be of use.
After about an hour, she tossed the documents on the table and stretched. "Okay. I'm done for today." She released a big yawn. "Thanks, Athrun." Yawning again, she got on her feet, took a step, and nearly stumbled over to the table.
With a sigh, he stood up to grab her elbow, guiding her toward her bedchamber. "Here, this way."
"I can walk on my own. I'm not a baby," she protested sleepily.
"Currently, you are walking like one."
"I'm not," she insisted, rubbing her eyes. He just raised meaningful eyebrows, which she clearly didn't see.
She let him keep steering her anyway, and he released a small smile, enjoying the moment. It felt good to take care of her, to feel needed by her.
They entered the bedchamber. He turned on the light and safely brought her to her bed. "Good night." He dropped a kiss on her forehead.
Sitting on her bed, she reached out her hands to pull him into a hug, which he readily returned. He had learned she liked hugs and gotten used to sharing one with her. Her arms squeezed him, and he felt a surge of triumph, recalling her hug he had witnessed earlier. She had been reluctant to hug the purple-haired man—her fiancé—but she initiated a hug with him.
As he slowly pulled back, she gave him a wistful look. "Athrun...will you stay with me?" she asked. "For the night?"
He jerked away out of surprise, and shock, and stared at her with enlarged eyes. "Did you just—you mean...you want to have..." He trailed off, uncomfortable with saying it clearly. He was also unsure whether it was appropriate.
She looked at him with sleepy eyes and a puzzled expression. After several moments, however, her eyes widened and she seemed to forget about her drowsiness. "Th-That's not—I didn't mean it! I just wanted to sleep with you. Not—not that way. I didn't want to part with you and..." She turned her eyes away, her face bright red. He was sure his own face looked the same. It felt like it did anyway.
After a minute of silence, she casted a shy glance at him. "Do you..." —she nervously licked her lips, which somehow caused his body to grow warmer—"do you want to...do it?"
"I..." He swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. His eyes wandered down from her face, tracing the line of her round breasts. The sight of her half-naked body which he had accidentally seen at their first meeting came to his mind. He quickly averted his face which was becoming even hotter. "N-no. I don't."
"Oh." Her voice, though very short, contained an obvious mixture of relief, disappointment—and hurt.
He hurriedly turned his face back to her, whose face showed the same feelings, and tried to explain. "I don't mean I don't want to do it. I mean, it's not like I don't want you. I do," he said in haste, then shut his mouth, embarrassed and stunned by his own confession. She looked as overwhelmed as he was.
Another awkward silence enveloped them. His eyes wandered from one place to another, and fell on a small table on the other side of bed. There were a pitcher of water and a glass on it.
"Can I...?" He motioned toward the table, not looking at her.
"Go ahead." Her voice sounded weird, indicating she was feeling as awkward and uncomfortable as he was.
He walked around the bed and picked up the pitcher to fill the glass. He gulped the water. As it slid down his throat, he felt somewhat better, cooled down. He emptied the glass and lifted it up to her, now able to lay his eyes on her. "Do you want a glass?"
She nodded without words. She remained silent as she accepted the glass full of water from him and slowly drank it.
After finishing the glass, she stood up to put the glass on the table, and faced toward him. "So..." She still looked shy and her cheeks were pink, but her gaze was steady. She took a deep breath, and said, "What exactly did you mean earlier?"
He too took a long breath before opening his mouth. "I meant I didn't want to do it now because I don't want to sleep together before marriage," he explained. "I was taught it's the right way. Also, I think it's best to wait, considering your—our situation." Furthermore, he didn't want to betray the trust of the people like Myrna, the people who cared about Cagalli and trusted him with her, believing he would treat her the right way. Not to mention Cagalli was too precious for him to act carelessly.
She thought for a while, slightly tilting her head. "What if I say I want to do it?"
He hesitated, feeling his cheeks become a little hot again, then answered, "I still don't feel like doing it. I want you to...hold back." He wondered whether other guys had to have a conversation like this with their girlfriends. Wasn't a girl usually hesitant to have sex? Not that his girlfriend was a "normal" kind of girl in any way, but still.
Anyway, he should do what he should do. He had to draw the line. He had to convince her to act properly if she was unwilling to do so on her own. And she must be able to understand him. He was sure she had been raised in a similar way, if not stricter one. Though he had to also consider the fact that she was rather—quite—defiant and didn't easily follow what she was taught.
He stared at her, hoping she wouldn't be as stubborn as usual about this. "You really want to wait," she said thoughtfully, staring back at him.
"I do."
She studied him and thought some more before saying, "Okay, I understand that." He let out a quiet sigh of relief. Then, her face and tone turned hopeful. "But you are fine with just sleeping with me, right?"
"Well, I don't think that's a good—"
"Come on, this isn't such a big deal. We spent a night together even when we just met."
"That's not the same. The situations are very different, and we didn't exactly share a bed then," he pointed out, though he wasn't going to say it was different also because he now had a desire for her. He suspected saying it made it more difficult for him to keep his conviction to not do anything indecent. Not to mention it would probably make them feel awkward again. He was already trying hard to prevent the blush from coming back.
At the same time, though, he didn't have the heart to outright deny her request. She obviously needed and wanted him, and he couldn't resist it. "I'll stay until you fall asleep," he compromised.
She made a pout, which shook his determination. But he managed to keep his face calm and his gaze steady, and hold his ground. "Fine." She reluctantly nodded.
"Wait a moment." She disappeared into the adjoining bathroom. After a few minutes, she came back, closed the door to her sitting chamber, and climbed under the sheets. "Here," she demanded, patting the sheets next to her.
A smile crossed his face. She looked more like a child asking her babysitter to co-sleep with her than a girl asking her boyfriend to share a bed with her. Not that he wanted to be treated like a babysitter, but he was feeling a little like that anyway and it made it easier for him to get on the same bed with her. He was here to take care of her, not for an inappropriate purpose.
He sat on the sheet and patted her on her shoulder. She held his hand, her eyelids half dropping in contentment. With the other hand, he turned the light off.
A few minutes passed before her voice came. "Athrun?"
"Yes?" He turned his eyes to her face though he couldn't see her expression.
"I was kind of relieved to hear what you said." She paused, then softly said, "It's not that I don't want to do it with you. But...I don't think I'm ready yet."
"Yeah..." To be honest, he didn't think he was, either. He probably would have still reacted similarly even without the teaching.
Silence returned.
Then she quietly said, "I hope...I hope we can do it someday. Get married, I mean." She sounded uncertain, a little worried.
He stayed silent for a little while, then shifted, now lying beside her, and pulled her body close. "I hope so, too." He tried to make his voice sound much surer than he was actually feeling.
She clutched his shirt. "Yeah," she said in a somewhat relieved voice, and, after several moments, added, "I really, really do." He held her tighter. She snuggled deeper into his chest. Neither of them said any more.
A part of him wanted to kiss her, but another part insisted it wasn't a good idea to kiss her on a bed, which might possibly lead to something more. So he just focused on listening to her breathing, ignoring his heartbeat which was a little quick. Before long, her breathing changed and he knew she was asleep.
He waited for several more minutes, then fumbled for her left hand, careful not to wake her up. As he pressed his lips to her ring finger, the sight of the purple-haired man holding the hand as if he was entitled to do it—which was true in a way, as much as he hated to admit—came up in his head. He slightly clenched his teeth.
She won't be yours, he silently said, more to himself than to the man. She is mine. He needed to believe so. He needed to believe that the engagement between her and the man was only temporary as she said. That they could soon find a way to cancel it, a way to be openly together.
He let out a slow, long breath and made his body relax before circling his arms around her body again. At least believing it wasn't so difficult now, when she was in his arms instead of running around for her job, for Orb. He breathed in her scent and focused on her warmth. She was here. She was his. She would always be. He wouldn't let go of her. He repeated the chant in the darkness for several minutes.
When he slowly sat up, there was now a ray of moonlight coming in from the window, and he could see her face. He gazed at it. Under the soft moonlight, she looked paler, more tired.
He felt a pang. The feeling of restlessness came back. He knew that her words in the limousine were genuine. That she was truly thankful for what he was doing. But he couldn't say he himself was satisfied with it. I wish I could do more.
Quietly, he released a sigh. But what could he do? He didn't have political power. He didn't have military power. He didn't have any authority. It was the price he had paid to be free from his past, from his sins and his father's sins.
He should be grateful that he still had his life and freedom at least. That he could be with Cagalli and the other people he cared about instead of being executed or prisoned for the crimes he had committed. It might not have been possible if the new leader of PLANT had not been Eileen Canaver or if Cagalli had not been the head of the Athha family. He had been quite lucky to be pardoned and allowed to move to Orb without any conditions except changing his name.
He reached out a hand to stroke Cagalli's hair, his face softening with affection.
She and Orb had given him a new life, and he still had a way to contribute to protecting the people he cared about and the peace. Although he was a mere bodyguard, it wasn't like he was doing nothing. He was helping Cagalli fight for Orb and the peace. He was at least fulfilling her needs. It might not be much, but better than nothing. He might not have much power, but at least he had enough to guard her.
Maybe he felt restless because he had not yet gotten used to this new life, a civilian's life instead of that of a soldier, a life during peaceful time instead of one during wartime. Maybe he just needed time. It probably would get better eventually. Maybe he could find some other way to be useful in time. Maybe all he needed was patience.
He told himself so, and continued stroking her hair for a while, feeling reluctant to leave, before finally getting off the bed.
The End
A/N: While writing this, I started to feel like I'm advocating against sex without marriage. I'm not. I just heard about the director's comment that Athrun is the type to wait to sleep together until marriage, and so I try to depict him like that. I have nothing against having sex without marriage, just in case.
Also, take it into consideration that this story happened before GSD. Athrun's attitude would have been somewhat different if this was a post-GSD fic.
And if you are curious about what Athrun and Cagalli's first sex will be like, you can read "Long, Long Time."
Thank you for reading. If you have written a review of my other fics, thank you for that, too.