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The McKenzies were very much like the Pevensies. They were four children, named Pete, Suzie, Ed, and Lou. Pete and Suzie were, of course, short for Peter and Susan, and they had been so named because their parents were Narnia fans. But by the time Ed was born, their mother wanted a little variety, so he wasn't exactly Edmund, but some other name for which Ed was short, perhaps Edwin or Edward. And I don't know what Lou could be. Their uncle happened to be a professor of apologetics at a Bible college in the Philadelphia area, and he had a mansion. The day came when neither parent could take care of them, so after a long drive along a traffic-infested freeway, the children arrived at their uncle's where they were to stay while their mother was on a business trip in LA and their father was serving in the war. And while they were playing hide and seek, Lou tried to hide in a coat closet. She soon found herself in a thicket in a woods in a world that was experiencing winter. "How like Narnia", she thought, for her mother had read the Narnia books to her at least three times. And sure enough, staring at her was a lamp-post, and a Faun was waiting to greet her.
The Faun said, "Hello, I'm a Faun, and my name is Mr. Thomas. What's your name?"
And Lou said, "I'm Lou. And You're Mr. Thomas. Now, don't you mean Mr. Tumnus?"
"No, I'm Mr. Thomas".
"But it sure seems a lot like Narnia, in which a girl named Lucy enters a closet and finds herself in a thicket next to a lamp-post in a woods during a 100-year enchanted winter and greets a Faun named 'Mr. Tumnus'. And I did in fact just enter a closet and find myself here".
"Well, you are in Narnia, but the Hundred Years Winter took place a long time ago, Aslan defeated the White Witch, and has not shown up since. What we are experiencing is just an ordinary winter, although it is a rather harsh one. In fact, last summer we had a drought and temperatures were in the 100's for more than a week. But I'm certainly not Mr. Tumnus the Faun. He died a long time ago, in fact not long after the Pevensies disappeared, as the rumor has it, right at this lamp-post where we're standing, while they were hunting the White Stag. But it's cold out here. Let's go inside so we don't get frostbite. And would you like some tea?".
"Yes".
While they were walking towards the house, Lou asked, "So your last name is Thomas. Like 'Clarence Thomas'?"
"I don't know this Clarence Thomas. Is he a duke or a prince in your world?"
"Well, he's something of the sort. My country is a democracy, and the President appoints Judges. It would be hard to explain. I don't think Narnia has ever experienced democracies or ever will".
"You're probably right, and you can't expect a Faun to know much about your world, either. But my last name is Thomas, and I do prefer to be called by my last name. I'm sure even in your world, people understand that."
"Yes, Mr. Thomas. And thanks for the tea. It was the best I've ever had".
"Now, say, you come from another world, the same world as the Pevensies, and you claim you already know about Narnia. How do you know?"
"Well, I've read all the Narnia books, starting with 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe' ".
"Well, I see. But authors in your world often do write books about other worlds, such as Oz and Middle Earth."
"Yes. People in my family are C S Lewis fans and Tolkien fans".
"But you know there are so many worlds that have winter in some place at some time or another, including your own world. So how do you really know for sure that you're in Narnia. I know you said you entered a wardrobe, and found yourself surrounded by snow. But for all you know, you could be on a mountaintop in Oz, in which case if you just took a short walk towards the south, you'd find a magnificent view of the desert far below you".
"And how would you know about Oz?"
"There has been an influx of Mary Sues lately, unfortunately. Incongruities have entered Narnia, such as Talking Scarecrows, Talking Tin Men, Talking China Dolls, and Lions without a backbone. And the next thing you know, there'll be good witches. People do nothing these days but sit in cafes talking about other worlds that they've come from, and it has been making the political climate very unstable. Not long ago, I met an Elf who claimed to have come from the country of Lothlorien in the world of Middle Earth, and spoke worshipfully about a queen named Galadriel, who I thought sounded like a witch. She spoke of her as having magical powers, something called Elf Magic, but said that to those true of heart, she was kind. And she told me about how the Dark Lord had forged a ring of power so he could conquer that world, and how he was defeated by throwing his ring into a deep chasm. And she told me that Aslan is known in that world by the name of Iluvator.
"Anyway, you really don't know if you're in Oz or Middle Earth or Narnia, or some place in your world where they are having winter".
"But I know I am not in Oz, because you said that things like talking scarecrows and good witches are anomalies in your world. And I know I'm not in Middle Earth, because you said that the Elf's description of her world was frightening to you. Anyway, I've read the Lord of the Rings myself, and I know that Galadriel is not a sorceress, although some of the Dwarves accuse her of evil sorcery. And I know that I'm not in the North Pole of my own world, because there simply aren't Fauns in my world. And didn't you confirm that I'm in Narnia when you corrected me about the time in Narnia that I'm in?"
"Yes, indeed, I did".
"So at least I'm right about one thing. And the circumstances I'm in right now seem so familiar from the books I've read".
"But you can't expect history to just go off repeating itself exactly, just because you read it in a book. I'm afraid that the story you are in is not, 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe'. What you are in, I'm afraid to say, is a parody. You said yourself that your name is 'Lou', not Lucy, and you see that I'm 'Mr. Thomas', and not 'Mr. Tumnus', and that should be a tip-off that what you are in is a rip-off of the original story. The next thing you know, your brother will meet the Queen, and then all four of you will visit some Beavers while the Queen has requested to see me. But I'm afraid it won't feel like the real thing at all. While you are fleeing the secret police, you'll meet Santa Clause, but you'll find out that he's not real. I'm sure of that detail, because we have already celebrated Christmas this year, and the real Santa came and gave the children gifts and everything. It is now late in March, and we're having a late blizzard. But people are dressing up like Santa Clause anyway, and pretending it's Christmas, as an insult to the Queen. They are blaming her for this bad winter and the recent blizzard, and it's not really her fault at all. The worst of it is, even Aslan might be fake. There have been many spurious rumors that Aslan has been seen lately, but no one can confirm them. And they will be trying to repeat the sacrifice on the Stone Table, which is really a foolish thing to do, since once the old law has been abolished, there is no more need for sacrifice".
"I know. My pastor did a sermon on the book of Hebrews last Sunday, so it's drummed into me, now".
"Then therefore, I'd suggest you go home right now, so you can escape this abominable parody. I'm not going to pretend to cry because I was about to put you into an enchanted sleep and take you to the Queen".
"But surely the Queen will arrest you".
"I don't know what form that part of the story will take in this parody. Maybe I'll go to the Queen on my own initiative, in this case, so she won't have to arrest me. I don't believe all the conspiracy theories".
"What conspiracy theories?"
"I can't explain. People in the religious right think the Queen is a witch. They say that she's planning to make it always winter and never Christmas, just as the White Witch once did. They say she's opened the floodgates from other worlds such as Oz and Middle Earth, so that the illegal immigrants can come in. But it's just a rumor. I don't believe any of it. And you wouldn't understand".
"Oh, I can relate. In my own country, America that is, President George Bush has been a good President. But the liberal media accuses him of stealing the election and lying about another country possessing dangerous magic, so he could send the young ones off to a stupid war. And they are claiming that he's planning to cut social security benefits. And he narrowly won the re-election last year. And I know those are just silly conspiracy theories. The country we went to war with was a cruel tyranny. I respect my President, and I believe he's a Christian".
"So you see that you are in a horrible parody. You don't want to be at the Stone Table when a Queen who is falsely accused of witchcraft is in a showdown with a fake Aslan. It's very unpredictable what might happen. The Queen might expose the fake for who he is and have him turned to stone, which he rightly deserves. Or she might be taken in by him, beg him for mercy, and when she is mercilessly slaughtered after a mock trial, all hell will break loose. You wouldn't want to be part of it".
"But if your Queen can turn people into stone, then she is a witch, isn't she?"
"I was only using a figure of speech. Of course the Queen can't turn people into stone. Now, there are only two possibilities. Either the queen really is a bad witch, just as in the real story, only a bad remake of her, of course. Or the Queen is not a witch at all, but has been labeled one, because of the deceptive atmosphere of religious kooks and con-men who are anxious to see history repeat itself. But I think it's the latter".
"Or maybe she's a good witch?"
"You must be reading too much Harry Potter. There simply are no good witches in Narnia, unless some of these Mary Sues are good witches from Oz, but I don't think so".
"Well, it was nice talking to you, Mr. Thomas. I think I'll go home now and watch the Superbowl. It's the first time my home team has had a chance in a long time, and I hope they win".
And with that, Lou took off and made her way back to the lamp-post, through the thicket, and out of the closet. Ed popped in and said, "I found you! You're it!" And then he looked at her and added, "Why do you give me that 'Oh, I've been to Narnia' look? You know that's just fiction".
And Lou replied, "Well, it wasn't exactly Narnia that I found inside that closet, but a parody of sorts. The Witch isn't really bad, and the Lion is fake. And I hope I never go there again. Whoever wrote the story that I was in must be as bad as Philip Pullman".
"A Fake Lion and a Good Witch? Now, that's funny. Let's find the others and then go downstairs to watch the game with Professor. They'll be singing the National Anthem real soon. I want to see the Eagles win".