Note to Self
I don't think I've ever done anything quite as bad as this. No, this is definitely the worst thing I've ever done. Its even worse than the time I tried to set my mom and Luke up by running into the diner and practically screaming that my mom wanted to make hot sweet love to him. Of course, I had no idea what that meant. Back then I just thought that it meant she wanted to fall in love with Luke and he'd intensely fall back. The words hadn't even come out of own my mouth! I was totally plagiarizing Sookie. But anyway, even though that particularly embarrassing occasion was super high on my Worst Evers list, this completely beats it. By a way long shot.
Let me start off by saying how much I hate hurting people. Let me also start off by saying that, as much as I hate (I mean, loathe) hurting people, I do it way more than the average person and I'm unhealthily good at it. Seriously, if there was some kind of Olympic competition for cutting open a person's chest, pulling their heart out with a pair of tweezers and continuously stabbing it with a pen so that they die and get ink poisoning, I'd so be bringing home the gold. Except their heart would already be out of their body, so they'd already be dead and there'd be no point in poisoning them with ink. But whatever. My point is that I suck, and I'm a major hypocrite.
So how many people know my boyfriend Logan? Cool. Now, how many people know why I'm with him? If you find out, would you mind giving me a call? Thanks, I really appreciate it.
Okay, I really shouldn't be saying that. Logan's actually pretty great, which I guess is why I'm still with him. I mean he loves me, and he's actually there for me when I need him. Too bad I don't want him to be the one I need. See, this is where my whole hurting-people-even-though-I'm-totally-against-it thing comes in. Note to self: don't believe in things you don't intend to back up and follow through with.
What is love, anyway? How do you know if you're in love? And is it possible to be in love with two guys at the same time? Deep down, I know its not. I whole-heartedly believe that you only fall in love once, and anyone you're with after that isn't your soul mate. And I am one to stay true to my beliefs. Unless they involve not hurting people, in which case, screw beliefs. Life's hard enough as it is. My problem here, unfortunately, deals with both those beliefs.
See, I've been in love, and just as a little side note for your minds to ponder about, when people say that they loved someone so much it hurt? Yeah, huge understatement. It doesn't hurt. It just about kills you. Which is actually an okay feeling if alls well in your love life. But has my life ever been that simple? Of course not. My love life has always been filled with guys fighting to either keep me or get me, and only one has ever succeeded in fully having me. And he's always the one fighting to get me.
That right there is my problem. The guy that had me? The one that's always fighting to get me? Yeah, he's not my boyfriend. And the worst part about that? Logan, who is my boyfriend, has absolutely no idea. But really, I'm better off with him, so as far as I'm concerned he doesn't need to know about Jess.
It's all Jess's fault that I'm hurting him, anyway. He hurt me first. I'm just recovering! …For 4 years. Yes, so I'm verging on pathetic. But I don't care. He made me this unrecognizable monster that looks all happy and petite on the outside while her emotions are fatally stabbing her on the inside. Kind of like my whole tweezer pulling- ink poisoning heart thing. Hm… note to self: try a little harder to eliminate gory, murderous thoughts from mind.
Okay, getting back on track, I do realize I'm being unfair to Logan. Honestly though, its so hard to stay one hundred percent with him, just like it was so hard to stay one hundred percent with Dean. Jess is always there, whether in the back of my mind or standing in front of me pleading for a thousandth chance. But hey, in my defense, Logan has hurt me really badly in the past. Well… he's done things that I should have been hurt really badly because of. I wasn't actually hurting all that much, mainly because he'd managed to at least stick around, which was more than Jess ever did. I guess that's my little trick; think of what Jess did to me and say to myself 'hey, cut the guy some slack. He was at least brave enough to face his problems instead of running away from them like a certain James Dean wannabe.'
The only problem with this excuse was that I couldn't really use it anymore. Would anyone like to know why? Because I, the little bitch that I've turned into, have hurt Jess on countless occasions since he left Stars Hollow four years ago. I've convinced myself that what Jess did was way worse than me simply lying and rejecting him every time he makes his way back into my life. It's because of this that I've become great at pretending I was incredibly happy and in love with Logan.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I love Logan. I don't know why, because he's a bit of a jerk. But I do. The thing is, I'm not in love with him. I can tell he's in love with me, though. Which is why I feel so terrible about sneaking around with Jess so much, even though I turn him away after I realize I've done something totally un-loyal and unfaithful. You know, I should really have more common sense than this. I mean, I'm a Yale graduate. Well, almost.
The thing is, I never really considered what Jess and I do as cheating on my boyfriend. For some reason it didn't seem wrong. It just seemed like some endless cycle we were in, and eventually one of us would just give up. I knew that would never happen, though. Believe me, I've tried to give up on Jess. I've even hated him. It all just seems to bring us back to each other. Gee, I wonder if that could possibly mean something? It can't mean anything, though. I won't let it. You see, I'm great at saying no to things I want more than anything else in the world. Why do I do this, you ask? Because I am an idiot.
Well, okay that's kind of true. But that's not the real reason I kept telling Jess no, even though I'm pretty sure he saw right through me and my lies. There were a couple reasons I wouldn't give into him again, but I guess it all came down to two big things that were constantly on my mind when I ever even thought about giving him another chance: fear and weakness.
My first, greatest fear (well, second. My first fear would be spiders. Literally, when I see one, I drop everything I'm doing and run about a mile. That's pretty much the only exercise I ever get, too. I guess that's not too healthy.) is getting hurt by Jess again. For some reason it gets to me the most when he's the one hurting me. I guess it might be because of the whole being in love with him thing. Actually, that realization also has something to do with it. The fact that I'm in love with someone who's done nothing but hurt me is not a very comforting thought.
I think the major reason I can't give Jess another chance, however, is because it would show how weak I am. I don't want that. I want to prove that I'm strong and I can handle hard things like my ex-boyfriend continuously coming back trying to convince me he's changed and it'll work out this time. I just couldn't think about how people would view me, even though I knew Jess was right. He had changed, and it was definitely for the better. That didn't count for anything because no one else would believe it. No matter what, everyone would always think of Jess as the guy who drew the chalk outline outside of Doosey's and crashed my car.
So pretty much the fact that he was The One for me was lastly considered when thoughts of going back to him came up. I was pretty fine with the way things were going, actually. I never really thought it was bad. My love life pretty much consisted of having fun with Logan, and then the occasional not-so-accidental fling with Jess. I know there had to be something seriously wrong with me if I thought that what I was doing was okay, but like I said, it didn't seem like cheating. It was just our cycle. The whole thing seemed, well, natural.
That is, until Logan proposed.
And then I realized that mine and Jess's cycle was completely wrong. We should have never let anything happen. If we had stayed away from each other, maybe I'd have gotten over him. Then I wouldn't have to make such a hard choice. Only I would. Still have to make the choice, I mean. Because even if Jess and I hadn't played this hurtful game with each other, he still would have been the first person that popped into my head after Logan's proposal. I didn't want to admit that, but I knew it was true. I also knew that I had gotten myself in this mess. There was no way I could possibly blame it on anyone else, especially Jess. it was my fault that I kept going back to him, even though I fully knew what the word boyfriend meant.
And you know the worst part about this entire situation? I can't make a pro-con list. Well, not can't, exactly. I suppose I could, but it'd be pointless because Logan would get all the pros and Jess would get all the cons. It wouldn't be tensional. Its just this thing my subconscious does. When I have to state the goods and the bads between two people to make a choice, and one of those two people is Jess, the other person always ends up better and Jess is always made out to be the worst person in the world. I don't know why I do it. Maybe because to me, he is. The worst person in the world, I mean. No one ever heart me like he did. I guess this was just my way of making sure he never forgets that. Do you see now why I suck so much?
I'm not ready to live in the real world. Obviously Yale hasn't prepared me to make big decisions, like the one I must make. The last time I had to make a choice between two guys, I didn't do anything. I just waited around, hoping it would just take care of itself. That time worked out great for me, because I got exactly what I wanted, and I didn't have to do it on my own. Dean did it for me. This situation is so completely different, though. Dean knew what was going on, which must have killed him, I know, but at least he had time to prepare. He understood that he didn't have me anymore, and that he never really had. Logan hasn't got a clue. He never thought that the guy he had a brief meeting with last year who he didn't see fit to bartend his parties would be a threat.
Now that I think about it, though, he really should have. I mean, we got into a huge fight over Jess. So huge that we almost broke up (or in his eyes, actually did break up). But he was drunk at the time, and he probably didn't even remember that Jess was a factor the morning after.
But Jess was a factor. Jess was always a factor. No matter what ever happened, it always came back to Jess. You'd think that statement would give me my answer, but it doesn't. Being in love with someone doesn't mean that it was meant to be. Our whole relationship was twisted and confusing and heartbreaking. I'm just so much better off staying safe with Logan.
Then I realized how incredibly stupid I was being. Note to self: don't ever stay with someone because they're safe. Yeah, sure, that was fine when we were just two college kids dating. But this is real. This is forever. And I can't base forever on safe, no matter how much I want to. Safe isn't what forever is all about. It's not the key factor. The key factor, no matter how sick to my stomach I feel when I admit it, is love. Anyone got a wastebasket? 'Cause I think I'm gonna puke.
A choice has to be made here. And I think I know which direction this is going to go in.
"So how's my little graduate?" Logan asked after the ceremony. "Feeling adult-like?" he smiled kindly, and I think I felt the ground shake. That's how loud my huge gulp was.
"Logan." I said. He noticed the serious look on my face, and his face fell into a very attentive look.
"Yeah?" he asked, under toned with a slight bit of hopefulness. I could feel my heart breaking for him.
"I can't." I thought it would be harder, but as I keep learning, it's easier to let go of the ones you don't love. I did feel bad. Worse than bad. This is by far the worst thing I've ever done. Logan looked truly mortified.
"Bu-but… I had it all planned out. The house… and the tree. It was perfect. I had a plan. I planned ahead for us." I could practically see his heart breaking. In a sick, twisted way though… it was almost satisfying. Like it was finally someone else's heart that was breaking. I knew that wasn't fair, though. My heart may have been shattered, but I've been doing more than my fair share of shattering to other people's hearts. It just made me more horrible than I already was.
"I'm really sorry Logan. I just can't. It's not right. It wouldn't be fair to you." He hung his head. And here I am hurting yet another person. Make this a damn sport already. "I'm sorry that I've been leading you on, and that it's ending like this. You can't even fathom how sorry I am. But I just… can't." I handed him back the ring box. He looked back up at me and took the box. He didn't say a word, and I didn't really blame him. He turned around and slowly walked away. I watched as he went, then sighed and turned to go find my mom.
I didn't make it two steps. This is because I saw Jess. Dead serious, I almost fell over in shock. What was he doing here? Never, and I mean never, did I think Jess would come to my graduation. The thought had just never made its way into my mind. I swallowed, hard, and walked up to him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him. He didn't answer me, though. He never makes anything easy. He nodded to where Logan and I were standing before.
"He didn't look too happy." He said nonchalantly. I looked down.
"That's because he's not." I said.
"Huh." Jess said. "What happened?" I looked up at him with sad, but confident eyes.
"I made a choice." I said. His face twisted in confusion, trying to determine what I meant by that. "Look, I'm sorry. All those times I hurt you, I feel horrible. But I finally realized what I wanted. Not that it matters, because I'm probably too late, but its still important for me to know for sure. And I do. I definitely know for sure what's right now. I just wish it could mean something, but you hate me, so-" Jess cut me off.
"Rory?" I blinked.
"Yeah?"
"Why do you think I'm here?" he asked, a look of pure amusement on his face.
"I…" I had to ponder this. Why was he here? I certainly didn't know. "I don't know…?" Jess shook his head. Then he cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. And let me tell you, it felt so good to be kissing him while knowing full well that I was his. No one else's. Not Logan's. Not Dean's. Just Jess's. Truly, completely, one hundred percent Jess's. Note to self: don't ever let this amazing man go again, because there's no such thing as a 70th chance.
A/n- okay,, bad ending. Sorry. And I know that I like desperately need to update my other stories… but I needed to write this. its just was so easy to write. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone though cause the thought changes like every two seconds. Soo yeahh.. sorry rory's a bit out of character. Also sorry that I did this before I updated my other storied. Well actually I updated not so innocent like a week ago, so reviews for that would be greatly appreciated, along with reviews for this random little oneshot.