Goodbye

They say the best things in life are free, but only because people don't realize the other costs involved.

With Beth, he had been professional, he played the part with ease. He never wanted her to kill herself in consequence, but he could live with that. That didn't hurt nearly as much as the idea of Sarah never forgiving him.

He didn't expect Sarah to understand, especially when most of what she knew about him didn't line up. But it wasn't easy for him to maintain his allegiances to Castor, while trying to help her. Being with Rachel, framing Felix, he hated every second of it, so he was relieved when there were no more leads at Dyad. But there were costs to going dark, including being out of her life for too long. When he made the deal with Topside, he thought it would be good for everyone. Even as Siobhan said that taking Helena was an unforgivable act, he never realized how close Sarah was to her sister.

But he never regretted the decision. Even as Sarah stared at him at Castor headquarters, not accepting his reasoning, he didn't regret it. The only regret he had was that it had the opposite effect on Sarah.

It turned out she was right back then. She didn't do run. Just as she had come to his aid with Olivier, she had used every inch of her resourcefulness to find Helena. In the end, the only person she would listen to was herself. That was something he loved about her, but just once, Paul had hoped that Cal would have more sway with her.

He hated going to Kira's father for help, as it was the cowardly way of showing concern for her. Back then, it was the only option he could see, but as they approached the grate, he hoped Sarah would finally find an exception to her rule.

Thinking back, he didn't know how he didn't see the truth. Maybe he was so blinded by his mission that he didn't the other streams of the operation. Maybe the idea of Sarah at headquarters opened his eyes to what the mission really was. He would never get that answer, but that didn't matter to him now.

Opening up the grate, he watched her go, and it took every inch of his restraint to close it behind her and lock it. Seeing her turn around, the familiar panic in her eyes, he almost felt touched that her concern was for him. However, he pushed it aside to focus on the details of his last mission. That was easier said than done though, especially with what Sarah said once he stopped talking.

Paul, I'm not leaving without you.

She had to. She had to survive. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was what he needed. No matter how much redemption he would get tonight, he had done too much to Sarah to get everything back. And while he wanted to run with her, to tell her the whole truth, the moment he felt the knife plunge into his body, he knew it was over.

That didn't stop his chest from aching when she called his name as he tried to walk away. Pausing in his step, he felt a single tear claim his cheek, and he knew that the least he could do was tell her one truth, persuade her that her re-found faith in him wasn't in vain.

"It was never Beth I loved."

Deep down, he hoped Sarah always knew that. In a way, she was his favorite mistake, the one person he didn't see coming, the one person he would always fight for. Sarah fought for her sisters, for everyone, and didn't care about the consequences as she blindly stormed the battlefield. Until now, he never realized that they had that in common, but now, his eyes were wide open. He knew exactly what he had to do to ensure Sarah's safe escape, while also holding up the atrocities of Project Castor.

Upon arriving at the research centre of the base, he gathered up what he needed, hoping the towel would hold back the blood for now. As he sat on the table, he took a deep breath, trying to keep up his strength. After a few seconds, he could hear Virginia approach his location. Holding the grenade to his wound, Paul opened his eyes, waiting for the door to open.

~End~

Sera's Scribbles: I wrote this out of frustration right after the episode aired. I wasn't going to post it, but after stumbling across an awesome fanvid the other day, I changed my mind. I hope you enjoyed it!