[Partially based on 'The Twelve Days of Christmas (Sung by Nerds)'.]
VERSE 1
"Come on, Grandfather!" said Susan as she pulled the Doctor into the console room.
"Goodness, child! What's all this excitement for?"
"We're going to sing a song."
"Oh, you know I don't sing, Susan."
"It's a Christmas carol."
"No, no..."
"Please, Grandfather?" she begged, looking at him imploringly.
He looked at her smiling face and knew he'd lost the battle. Sighing, he booped her nose and said, "Oh, all right. How shall we start, then?"
Pleased with his reply, she began the song.
"On the first day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me...adventures in time and space!"
The ship was silent and empty, save for the two of them and the hum of the console. "Hmmph! Not very spirited, eh? Needs some music. And who's going to do the next verse, hmm?"
"Well...
VERSE 2
"On the second day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Two Pipers Piping!" sang the Doctor as Jamie played the melody on his bagpipes. Ben and Polly clamped their hands over their ears.
"Cor! It sounds like there's a dying cat in here!" moaned Ben. Jamie stuck out his tongue at him and kept playing.
"And there's only one piper," added Polly. "The song says two."
The Doctor rubbed his chin and looked around. "So there is. What can we do about that? Let's see..."
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
Ian and Barbara had come in to sing along as well. "It's a bit plain in here, isn't it?" asked Barbara.
"There's decorations in the cupboard. Come on!" Susan started out the door.
"Just a moment, child! You have to tell us what comes next."
VERSE 3
"On the third day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Three Master Plans!" the Doctor hummed, hanging a wreath on the TARDIS.
"Doctor?" Liz asked, "Who's the Master?"
"Hmm? Oh, just one of my own people."
"There's more of you!" she exclaimed with mock astonishment.
He set about making hot coco with the Bunsen burners. "An unimaginative plodder. Really, you ought to see some of the cockamamie schemes he comes up with!"
"Why do I get the feeling I'm about to?"
"Two Pipers Piping,"
Victoria had to sing the line, because both the Doctor and Jamie were busy piping away. Ben and Polly had to resort to earmuffs.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
It took the combined persuasive powers of Vicki and Susan to get the Doctor to let them cover the floor with fake snow.
VERSE 4
"On the fourth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Four Jelly Babies!" The Doctor grinned widely and held out the bag. He pouted when both Sarah and Harry declined.
"I'd love to, Doctor," said Sarah Jane, "but I've just had supper. Besides, we've got to decorate the tree!" She shook a box of ornaments meaningfully.
The Doctor looked at the tree for a moment. "I've got just the thing!" In a flash, he'd pulled a scarf out of his pocket that was even longer than his own and began draping it over the branches.
"Three Master Plans,"
"Doctor! What's this about the Master?"
"Do lighten up, Brigadier. It's only a song."
Liz looked around the lab. "Does anyone else hear a piano?"
"Two Pipers Piping,"
The earmuffs weren't working. Polly had to shout over the noise so she could introduce Zoe to Victoria.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
"I've still got it!" Dodo said proudly as she finished the verse. Steven and Ian stretched their backs after having pushed the piano in.
"Who wants a drink? Maybe some Christmas spirits?" Steven offered. From across the room, Barbara raised her hand.
VERSE 5
"On the fifth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Five Cricket Balls!"
"No, no, no..." said the Doctor. "Too little. It needs to be louder. Grander!"
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan, Turlough, and Peri stood by the console wearing Christmas jumpers, each holding a cricket ball. "There's too many," said Adric.
"What?"
"There's too many balls."
"No there aren't. There's five of you-"
"And you've got one. That makes six."
"Are you sure?"
Adric gave him a look and pointed to his mathematical excellence badge. The Doctor chucked his own ball away. "Well, now we have five!"
"Actually," said Peri, "I think I'm supposed to be in the next one. Bye!"
"Peri!"
"And that makes four..."
"Stop it. Okay, now if the rest of you are finished snickering, let's take it from the top!"
"Four Jelly Babies,"
Sarah Jane screamed as a cricket ball smashed into the angel she'd just placed on top of the tree. Leela spun around, knife out, ready to defend from any attackers.
"Three Master Plans,"
"Doctor!" cried Jo. "It's the Master! He's snuck into UNIT!"
"What?!"
The Brigadier raised an eyebrow. "Only a song, was it Doctor?"
"Two Pipers Piping,"
"Where did Ben and Polly go?" asked Zoe.
"WHAT?" asked Victoria.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
"Hope you don't mind," said Ben. "We just wanted to hear ourselves think!"
"Not at all, dear boy! We're having a jolly little Christmas party..."
"Told you he'd warm up to it," Vicki whispered to Susan.
VERSE 6
"On the sixth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Six Rainbow Outfits! Well, technically there's only five here, but we're counting mine as well," said the Doctor, referring to a rack of garish coats similar to his own. Peri slipped one on and admired it.
"Looks good, Doctor!"
"Thank you! It's about time you started appreciating my sense of style."
Just then, Peri ran into the room. "Doctor, I...who's she?! And what am I wearing?"
"Hmm. Thought it seemed too good to be true. Peri, I'm afraid this woman is an imposter!" he pointed at the be-coated Peri, who balked.
"Why do you think it's me?"
The Doctor held out a coat to the other Peri. "Would you put this on?"
"No."
"That's why."
"FIVE CRICKET BALLS,"
"Tegan, you're flat."
"No, I'm not."
"You are."
"Am not."
"You are!"
"Am not!"
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"What is the purpose of this?" asked Romana, gingerly putting tinsel on the tree.
"It is an ancient tradition," Leela replied. "We set up this tree as an altar to the Child-God, and offer small sacrifices so he will grant us strength to defeat the Claws Man who comes for our children."
"Close enough," said the Doctor, stringing Jelly Babies with the others.
"Three Master Plans,"
"We've got him, Doctor!" Sergeant Benton and the Brigadier led the Master into the lab between them.
"At it again, eh? What are you up to this time?"
"A game of irritation, Doctor..."
"Two Pipers Piping,"
"Well, we haven't any pipes now, ye daft lassies!" shouted Jamie as he held up the tattered remains of the bagpipes. Victoria and Zoe didn't even have the decency to put away their kitchen knives.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
The Doctor played piano with Dodo while the others began an alcohol-induced snowball fight.
VERSE 7
"On the seventh day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Seven Things Exploding!" cheered Ace just before a very loud boom. Mel screamed.
"ACE!" shouted the Doctor.
"Just a little holiday fun, Professor."
"In the TARDIS, Ace?" There were several scorch marks on the console room floor.
She dug around in her bag. "I've got some smaller ones in here somewhere..."
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
"All right, guess the joke's over," said the fake Peri. She turned into a penguin. "But it sure was fun, eh Doc?"
"Frobisher!"
"FIIIVE CRICKET BALLS,"
"Someone's coming in too late."
"It's Turlough," said Tegan. "He's talking to the Black Guardian again."
"No!" said Turlough, holding up a mobile phone. "It's just a wrong number."
"When did you get a mobile?" asked Nyssa.
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"Now Romanas, remember it is the holidays. I know regenerations don't get along, but at least try-"
"I love your hair!" said Romana.
"Thank you!" said Romana. "That's a lovely dress..."
"Three Master Plans,"
"Since it's Christmas, I thought it was time for a little fun. You will be visited by three Annoyances this evening, Doctor." With that, he pulled a device from his pocket and flipped a switch. The Master teleported out, and nine reindeer teleported in.
"Two Pipers Piping,"
"It's not the same," said Jamie.
"It'll have to do," said the Doctor, handing out recorders.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
"Doctor, is that a reindeer?" asked Ian.
"Of course it is, Chesterton! What did you think it was, a dog in fancy dress?"
"But its nose is glowing!"
"I can see that, dear boy! A better question is where did it come from, hmm?"
VERSE 8
"On the eighth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Eight New Companions!" sang the Doctor happily. He looked around at the assembled people.
"Weren't there supposed to be a few more than this?" asked Fitz.
"No, there's eight of you in here."
"I mean, aren't there more than just us? How are we supposed to get them into the song, too?"
"Ah," said the Doctor. "Wait, I've got an idea!" He dashed out of the console room and returned a few moments later with a box full of mobile devices, which he passed around. "I've installed a smaller version of the Time-Space Visualizer on these. Each of you can call up someone who isn't here! Just hit this button...pick one of the numbers...no, Grace, that's Turlough. He's already here..."
"Seven Things Exploding,"
"What's that sound?" asked Mel. The Doctor sat back on a lawn chair with his hat over his face.
"Ace and her Nitro-9."
"No, it sounds more like-" eight reindeer stampeded through the room.
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
"Do I really have to wear this, Doctor?" Peri asked, holding up the coat.
"You heard the song!"
"FIIIIVE CRICKET BAAALLS,"
"Wait a moment," said the Doctor. "Erimem? When did you get here?"
"I'm looking for Peri."
"Ah. She's in the next verse. But you can stay here if you like..."
"Four Jelly Babies,"
Leela tossed chestnuts in the air for K9 to shoot.
"Three Master Plans,"
"Lucky that explosion frightened them off," remarked Benton. "What do you think's-"
A camera effect wobbled the room for a few minutes. "...next?" finished the Doctor.
"Two Pipers Piping,"
They were very good on the recorders, much to the relief of ears everywhere.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
Dodo did a duet with the reindeer while the others gathered around the piano.
VERSE 9
"On the ninth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Nine Ripe Bananas!" sang the Doctor.
"Why'd we get bananas for our part?" asked Rose.
"Innuendo," replied Jack.
"Quiet, you." The Doctor threw a banana at him.
"Hey, boss!" said Mickey. "What do we do with the other crates?" He gestured to a pile of banana crates near the door. Jack and Rose stared at the Doctor.
"What? You can never have too many bananas. Make a daiquiri, give 'em to a friend..."
"Eight New Companions,"
"Who brought the chestnuts?" asked Charley
Bernice passed her the bowl. "Little tin dog."
"Seven Things Exploding,"
"Professor, where's Mel? I wanted her to see these fireworks."
"She left. Something about secondhand smoke."
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
"Erimem!" squealed Peri, hugging her friend. The Doctor tossed her a coat.
"Ooo, are we doing fancy dress?" Mel asked, putting one on. She found a cricket ball in one of the pockets and tossed it away.
"FIIIIIVE CRIICKET BAAAALLLS,"
"Wait a moment, where are your balls? ...Not like that... It's not that funny..."
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"K9, are those bananas?"
"Affirmative, Mistress Romana."
"Three Master Plans,"
"Doctor," said Jo, non-mustache bristling, "Fix this immediately!"
"Working on it!" snapped Liz as she fumbled with some gadget. A cricket ball flew into it and the camera effect returned, putting them back to normal.
"Two Pipers Piping,"
Victoria and Zoe had to take over the 'piping' so the Doctor and Jamie could catch their breath.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
The reindeer kept up the piano so Dodo could go coo over the tin dog with the other girls. Ian strategically placed some mistletoe over the door as Steven walked in. Barbara laughed.
VERSE 10
"On the tenth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Ten brainy specs!" sang the Doctor.
Donna and Martha each wore a pair. "Why does you have so many of these?" Martha asked.
"He thinks they make him look clever."
"They do!" insisted the Doctor.
"Nine Ripe Bananas,"
"Oi! What are you doing in my TARDIS?"
"I'm looking for where I'm supposed to be," replied the War Doctor.
"Well it's not this one. Try another verse."
"Eight New Companions,"
"Hello!" said the Doctor.
"I see you're full up," said the War Doctor. "I'll try the next verse."
"Oh, it's all right! Here, take this mobile..."
"Seven Things Exploding,"
The Doctor finally got Ace to try his own fireworks, which made dazzling explosions right in the palm of the hand. "Wicked!"
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
"How come Evelyn doesn't have to wear a coat?" asked Peri.
"Because some scoundrel ran off with the last one."
"FIIIIIVE CRIICKET BAAAALLLS,"
"Here's some more. Now hang onto your balls this time...stop laughing!"
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"Sarah, is this your reindeer?"
"Three Master Plans,"
"Jo, where on earth did you find that coat?" asked the Doctor.
"In the TARDIS."
"Two Pipers Piping,"
"Hey, look! I found a spare!" said Jamie. Zoe grabbed her knife.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
They'd finished hanging the last of the lights, and the TARDIS looked beautiful.
VERSE 11
"On the eleventh day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Eleven festive fezzes!" sang the TARDIS crew, each wearing a fez with seven more scattered about on the console.
"How come he got to pick?" asked Rory. Amy playfully chucked a fez at him.
River glanced around. "Wasn't Clara supposed to be here?"
"No," said the Doctor, "She's in the next one. Something about connecting all the verses."
"You frightened her off with your fez obsession, didn't you?"
"No!"
"Ten Brainy Specs,"
The Doctor brought out a tray of daiquiris. "Why couldn't we do our bit about these?" asked Donna.
"Nine Ripe Bananas,"
"Someone's been in the bananas!"
Jack looked at all the crates. "How can you even tell any are missing?"
"Eight New Companions,"
The War Doctor poked at his mobile, muttering about Twitting and Facespaces.
"Seven Things Exploding,"
"Professor, have you seen the rest of my Nitro-9?"
"Who, me? No, no of course not..."
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
Mel brought carrot juice, Peri brought vodka, and Evelyn brought the little umbrellas.
"FIIIIIVE CRIICKET BAAAALLLS,"
"This is why I should've gone with celery. Nobody laughs at celery!"
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"Let's hang the stockings!" said the Doctor, holding up one that was about as tall as himself.
"Three Master Plans,"
The Master teleported in again. "I'm sure you're all wondering what the rest of my plan is." He held up his device again. "You see-" Suddenly, he caught sight of Jo's garish coat. After a few seconds of staring, he said, "Never mind."
"Two Pipers Piping,"
In order to keep the peace, the Doctor and Jamie sang the line acapella.
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
Susan checked her watch. "Oh, it's almost time!" she exclaimed and hurried out the door.
VERSE 12
"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Doctor gave to me..."
"Twelve-" The door swung open and hit the Doctor in the face. "-fucking dammit!"
"Come on, we're doing the last verse over here!" said Susan. The twelfth Doctor followed her and Clara out, grumbling.
"Eleven Festive Fezzes,"
"Come on, Ponds! We're doing the thing again!"
Before they could do the thing again, Susan called them from the door. As they left to follow her, the Doctor grabbed as many fezzes as he could carry.
"Ten Brainy Specs,"
"If he gets to keep the fezzes, I'm keeping the specs!"
"Whatever, Spaceman. Hurry up before we miss it!"
"Here, Martha, help me..."
"Nine Ripe Bananas,"
The Doctor and Rose ran into the oncoming group. "Other way!" said River. Jack and Mickey grabbed the bananas that had fallen in the shuffle on their way out.
"Eight New Companions,"
They were all engrossed in their phones when Susan ran by the door shouting "It's time!" Quickly, they hurried out the door, leaving the War Doctor sitting in a chair, talking to a reindeer. The Doctor popped his head back in the room.
"Coming?"
"Oh, all right..."
"Seven Things Exploding,"
"Not now, Ace."
"But-"
"Just take them with you! Let's go!"
"Six Rainbow Outfits,"
"We're going now?!" He nearly slipped on a banana peel in the doorway. "Careful!" said Peri, pulling him upright. "You don't want to regenerate from a bump on the head!"
"FIIIIIIVE CRIIICKET BAAAALLS,"
"From the top! I think we've got it this time!" They started to sing the next line when Susan ran up and tapped him on the shoulder.
"This way!"
"But we..." They'd already started out the door.
"Four Jelly Babies,"
"We're on! Harry, bring the tree!"
"Three Master Plans,"
"Hi, there. I'm Captain-"
"No," said the Doctor, leading Jo away.
"Two Pipers Piping,"
"Oh, really now! Bagpipes?!"
"It's part of the song, you fluff-haired dandy!"
"And Adventures in Time and Space!"
It was incredibly crowded in the console room, but they managed to cram in to sing the last line. As Dodo played the final notes, Ace set off fireworks and Four started passing around crackers and bags of Jelly Babies. Susan hugged her Doctor. "Thank you, Grandfather. That was lovely!"
"Yes, yes it was, wasn't it?" He gazed proudly around at the festivities in the console room. At least, he did for a few moments. Then... "Goodness gracious me! What in the world do you think you're all doing?! Trying to tear a hole in time itself? Irresponsible!"
Susan laughed as the Doctor argued with himself. "Oh, he'll lighten up eventually. Anyway, come back next year! We're going to sing Grandfather is Shouting at a Reindeer."