THE SCARLET BRIDE
Disclaimer: I own not The Princess Bride nor X-Men. That goes to William Goldman and Marvel, but I do own Nekata and Beebo. Aren't I lucky?
Beebo: Okay, people! After much deliberation, I've decided to write a parody of my all-time favorite movie! A feat that has never been attempted before—
Todd: Er, Beebo-kins? I think a lot of people have done this already.
Beebo: (blinks) Oh…Uh, on with the show anyways! So, since I know that both Fuzzy Boy and John-John also share a love for Billy Goldman's masterpiece, I assigned their parts already.
(Much groaning and protesting issues from the collective group of mutants. St. John and Kurt, on the other hand, appear overjoyed.)
Beebo: Hey! Just be glad it's me directing and not Nekata…she'd gut you all.
Nekata: (shrugs) It's true, but tell me, my hyper-active counterpart, what am I doing for this debacle of the Arts?
Beebo: Er, (glances at clipboard) you're "the Ancient Booer".
Nekata: …"Booer" isn't even a word. (shakes head) You mean I have to play that old crone who calls everyone "refuse"?
Beebo: Yep, but at least Lance and Kitty get to join you in the group of "Creepy Old People".
(Others snicker while the couple in question looks uneasy.)
Lance: Okay…who are we playin', Shorty?
Beebo: Miracle Max and his lovely wife, Valerie! Oh, and speaking of creepy old people, Magneto's playing Grandpa, Baldy gets to be the King—while Moira McTaggert is the Queen—, Beast is the "Impressive Clergyman" and Mystique is Count Rugen.
(The aforementioned people look a little ruffled about being called "old"; they except their creepiness.)
Kitty: Like, isn't Count Rugen a guy?
Beebo: (shrug) Your point? Okay, on with the rest of the cast!
Piotr is Fezzik and Jamie will be playing the Kid and other extras if they're needed—
Jamie: Big surprise there.
Beebo: (ignores him) For the part of Prince Humperdinck, (snickers at name) I've convinced Simon Williams that he is acting in a real movie, so don't hurt him too bad.
Kurt's playing Inigo Montoya, and Scott is the blithering security guy, Yellin.
(Scott sulks in the corner, while horror suddenly dawns on Wanda's face.)
Beebo: Remy will be Vizzini—no complaints! I happen to like Vizzini, so shut it!—and St. John shall be…
Wanda: Oh dear God, no!
St.John: Your dear Westley, my little Buttercup! (appears already in costume, bowing with a flourish to the Scarlet Witch)
Wanda: There'll be no living with him after this...
Beebo: As for everybody else, we'll just stick them in when needed. The important parts have been taken care of, so…PLACES PEOPLE!
(All scatter, muttering obscenities.)
A young boy with brown hair surrounded by discarded tissues sits up in bed playing a video game. It appears to be Grand Theft Auto.
Jamie: "Hey, if I have to endure all of this, I get to pick the game!"
The game is in progress as Jamie coughs very realistically. This role is sure to win him an Emmy. He holds the controller, clicking furiously away at buttons so he can get his money back from the prostitute, but a sudden hacking cough forces him to take a breather.
Rogue enters, looking thoroughly annoyed that she's stuck in this highly uncomfortable situation, and apathetically feels Jamie's forehead.
Jamie: "Aren't you supposed to fluff my pillows and kiss me?"
Rogue glares angrily at him, smirks as he shrinks under it, and goes back to the script.
Rogue: "Ya feelin' any bettah?"
Jamie: (timidly responds) "A little bit."
Rogue: "Guess what?
Jamie: "You got drunk and married Gambit in Vegas?"
Rogue: (smacks him) "We don't speak of tha'! Evah!"
Beebo: (off-screen) "I knew it! Uh, I mean…Script!"
Rogue: (teeth grinding) "Ya grandpa's here…brat."
Jamie: (frightened) "Mom,—wow…Rogue's my mom—can't you tell him that I'm sick?"
Rogue: "What? And give up this torture? Hell no!"
Jamie: "He'll pinch my cheek. Wait, is he really gonna do that? Creepy old people!"
Rogue: "Maybe he won't…an' maybe he will." (laughs evilly)
Jamie looks to her in fear as Magneto bursts into the room; cape swirling and a fedora resting on his snowy hair. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm and immediately goes to Jamie, pinching his cheek.
Jamie: (shivers) "Creepy…"
Magneto: "Hey! I take offense to that you little punk. Er, I mean…" (glances at script) "How's the 'sickie'? What have they done to the English language…?" (shakes head)
Jamie gives Rogue one last pleading look, but she ignores it and retreats with a snicker.
Rogue: "Ah think Ah'll leave you two 'pals'. Oh my Gawd, this is too rich!"
Once she's gone, there's an uncomfortable silence that is soon broken by the Master of Magnetism.
Magneto: "I brought you a special present."
He's doing his best to sound sincere, having always wanted to do some playacting before becoming a terrorist.
Jamie: "What is it…a bomb?"
Magneto: (insulted) "I'd never be so paltry as to deliver a bomb myself! One of my lackeys would do that…Most likely Pyro. Now, open it." (thrusts the parcel at Jamie roughly)
Multiple looks at Magneto warily, pokes the wrapping and rips it off. His face falls at the rather anti-climatic gift.
Jamie: "A book?"
Magneto: (scowls at the boy's impudence) "That's right. When I was your age, television was called books."
Jamie: "Was this before or after you became an egotistical maniac bent on controlling the world?" (smirks, but decides to follow the script when a metal bat tightly encircles him) "Uh, I mean…please continue."
Magneto: (smiles) "Thank you…this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father…(sniffles) If only it were true…(gets all misty-eyed, choking out the last line) And today, (sniff) I'm going read it to you."
Ororo comes in off-stage, hands him some coffee and a tissue. A few minutes later, after Magneto hugged his bewildered children and promised to read them bedtime stories, the scene resumes.
Jamie: "Ya done now?"
Magneto: "Yes. Yes, I think I am."
Jamie: "Okay…Um, has it got any sports in it?" (he tries to wiggle free of the bat, but no such luck)
For a moment, Magneto sits there a little confused as to what Jamie's talking about, but an irritated cough from the director's chair sparks his memory. The caped villain jumps up with excitement, perhaps exaggerating his motions a bit too much as a desk lamp goes crashing into the wall.
Magneto: "Whoops…Er, (double-checks script) Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. Hmm…this does sound good." (as he delivered this stirring speech, anything metal flew in all directions, including the bat around Jamie)
Magneto looks a tad embarrassed by the momentary loss of control. He pulls Jamie down from the ceiling and sits in a chair by the bed.
Jamie: (looks very shaken, but manages a shrug) "It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake…not that I'll ever sleep again after that."
Magneto: "Oh. Well, thank you very much. How kind of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."
Jamie: "You throw me around a room and manage to be sarcastic? Where do you get off, man?"
Magneto: (glares) "Little boys shouldn't know so many big words. I'm a notorious super villain; get over it." (clears throat and begins to read) "The Scarlet Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Wanda was raised on a small farm in the country of Bayvilla." (pauses, rereads line) "Hmm...I wonder who Wanda's playing."
Jamie: (about to explain, but is silenced by a menacing glare from Wanda off-stage) "I guess we'll just have to find out..."
A/N: There's the first chapter! Hope I didn't disappoint too many people...I should be updadting every weekend if all goes well, so...that's that.