She was the bright light at the end of the tunnel for me, she was my eternal light, she always knew what was on my mind without even having to ask me, she could just look into my eyes and see into my soul. Not one woman since her or even before her had that kind of power over me, they were all just distractions, notches on my bedpost... she was more than a notch on my bedpost, she was the only girl I loved truly. There was Toni but not even she came close to what Brenda Walsh was to me, funny... the one girl that gets away is the one that I can't live without. I had so many chances with Brenda and I messed every single one up, I even think that I wanted to screw up all the second chances Brenda gave me because in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my heart... I knew I didn't deserve her and that is the goddamn truth. In fact I never deserved Brenda Walsh, I didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her nevertheless be able to kiss her and hold her, but I was selfish and I would NOT let go of the first good thing in my life in a long time, I would NOT let her go... but I did, in the end I let her go.
Kelly Taylor.
Even that name means nothing to me, nothing. My whole life has always been about Brenda Walsh, I even tried to wash her memory out with Valerie and Gina, but they had been poor replacements and Kelly... god she was the worst, how could I ever pretend I was in love with Kelly Taylor when I knew my heart belonged to Brenda? Kelly, she never meant anything to me, all Kelly was to me, was lust. Pure lust.
Brenda had known me more then anyone did, and after she saw the scary part of me, she didn't run, she stayed, no matter what she stayed by my side. I never deserved that kind of loyalty and love from Brenda Walsh, but nonetheless she gave it to me, and she demanded I have it, she demanded that I love her and I obeyed. I wanted Brenda so much, she was just so beautiful and it was just a game, get another girl, party afterwards but Brenda... she became so much more then that to me. I fell in love with Brenda, the way she tucked pieces of her hair between her ear when she got shy or how she bit down on her bottom lip when she got nervous got to me... she got to me. All her little quirks and faults became my own and I started to see myself reflecting in her beautiful brown eyes, and I loved my reflection... I loved the way our lips felt when they brushed against one another's... I loved the way her creamy skin felt against mine... I loved the way our bodies melted into one.
I loved the person I was when I was with Brenda Walsh.
I'm a piece of shit, the most worthless piece of shit, and she has to know that, it's so obvious, but she loved me anyways. After all the rumors, the gossip, she still wanted me, after all that she heard about me from the "Famous" Kelly Taylor, she still wanted me. I'm still surprised about that to this day, any other girl would have walked away, said 'go to hell' to me but she never did that, she always stood by me, standing my shit.
Idiot. Moron. Simpleton.
I am all that and more, I had her, we were in London together, living together and we had been happy and then I ditched her to be with Kelly. God it wasn't even about Kelly, it was just that things were going so great, that I needed to leave before she realized she was too good for me, so I did and I regret that day and I will regret my decision for the rest of my life.
I had the best, Bren and me, we were soulmates, destined to be and I screwed that up.
I screwed that up really bad, I could have had the best for the rest of my life, I could have woke up next to the most beautiful woman in the world every morning, and knew that she was mine. I could have married her. I could have spent the rest of my life with her and been the father to her children, I could have had the perfect life... but oh no my goddamn fear of her leaving me got in the way of our happiness.
So I left her.
I left her before she could leave me and I used Kelly Taylor as my excuse, god Brenda's face was so hard to look at, her eyes watered up and then she cried and deep down inside I did too. She told me to leave, never come back, stay out of her life and then I walked out that door, and what no one knows... I cried the whole way to Beverly Hills... inside and out.
"What if you had chosen Brenda that night Dylan?"
I forget who asked me this, I think Kelly did, one night I think she asked me that and I had told her that I wouldn't have because I was happy with Kelly, lie after lie... I asked myself that question everyday... what if I had chosen Brenda? How would my life be different? And all I can think about, is that if I had chosen Brenda, I would be happy right now, instead of being miserable 24/7. It's not Kelly's fault, she is this wonderful person and I guess a part of me, really does love her but my heart, it tells me that I belong with Brenda and I believe my heart.
David and Donna.
God they are the perfect example, their on and off relationship was finally sealed with their marriage, it had been such a beautiful ceremony, I could feel the love in that room and it was beautiful, only if Brenda... if that had been me and Brenda, the ceremony would have been the best day of my life, I pictured me and Brenda up on there reciting our vows to each other:
"I, Dylan McKay, promise to love, honor, cherish and obey Brenda Walsh for the rest of my life. I promise to worship the ground she walks on. I promise to be the best man I can be for her. I promise that she will always come first in my life. I promise, that I will hold her hand through her hard times, I'll cry with her when she sheds tears and I will laugh with her when she laughs... and I will forever be loyal to her."
And I can picture me listening to Brenda with love reflecting in my eyes as she recited her vows, I know that they would be more meaningful and beautiful then mine and I know that she would look at me with tears in her eyes as we kissed, sealing our lives with a kiss.
But Brenda doesn't love me.
My worst fear has finally come true, she doesn't love me anymore, I certainly don't deserve her love... and she has finally understood that. Kudos to you Brenda, it's about time. I was never good for you, never good enough, you could have had so much better then lousy old me, you could have had someone who lived up to your expectations.....
But NO ONE will EVER love you like I do.
I may not be worthy standing next to her, but I know that I love her more then anyone in this entire galaxy could love her, that much I know.
I loved Brenda the most, out of all the... what 2 guys she dated in Beverly Hills, I loved her more, I loved her more then that little French jerkoff, I loved her more then any other guy she probably dated after me in London... I loved her more then anyone could. She was the world to me, and at times, when she had fallen asleep in my arms, I would just stare at her beautiful and in a way angelic face for hours and hours at a time, I would stare at her face until I finally fell asleep.
Soulmates.
Believe me, when I say this, Dylan McKay doesn't believe in soulmates. He thinks they are just figments of our imagination... but Brenda, yes she was my soulmate, which proves even I can be wrong about love. Brenda taught me so much about love and life, god she taught me how to open up and truly let myself love.
"Dylan, come to bed"
My back is turned to the girl in my bed, so she can't see the look on my face, damn she's awake. I turn and smile at Kelly Taylor and crawl in the bed, I put my arms around her body and when she's finally asleep, I stare at the white envelope sitting on the desk next to the bed.
I let my eyes stare at the name of the person I'm sending the letter to:
'Brenda Walsh'
I take the letter out real quick; just to examine what I had wrote:
Dear Brenda-
I know I am probably the last person you want to read a letter from, but before you throw this letter away in the garbage, please listen to what I have to say.
You were the best thing in my life. I have no hesitation whatsoever in my voice, or in my fingers when I write this, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I am the only one to blame as to why it failed between us. I loved you too much Bren, I was always worried that you would wake up one day and see me for the worthless piece of shit I was, I was terrified that one morning you would wake up and realize you deserved so much more then me, and I was ALWAYS terrified that you would leave me, I could never handle you leaving me, so instead I left. And I regret that, I truly do Brenda, because I would do anything to be with you right now, anything.
I'm back in Beverly Hills, so if you still care, if there is any part of you that still loves me, please Brenda come back here.
I love you.
-Dylan McKay
I remember putting the letter back in the envelope and falling asleep, then I remember waking up the next day and mailing that letter. I waited everyday for a call or a visit or even a damn letter from her, but I never got anything, 1 month passed by and I got nothing, I was ready to give up on Brenda and commit to Kelly but then something happened.
:::1 month Later - Beverly Hills - The Peach Pit After Dark:::
I stood by the bar, my arm resting on the edge of the bar counter, staring down at my drink, god every night in this place was the same, but for some reason I could never not go, it was like a routine for me. I took a sip of my drink, Screwdriver, I let the alcohol burn my throat for a second before taking another drink, the new bartender stared at me oddly for a second before speaking up:
"Girl troubles Dylan?"
I nodded but said nothing.
"Care to share?"
I turned to the bartender and shrugged.
"Her name was Brenda, that's all I got to say"
The bartender, I think his name was Daniel or something like that, just shrugged and walked over to another customer, nice red head girl, and started chatting it up with her. I sighed and took another drink.
"Is this seat taken?"
I shrugged glumly, not turning to face the girl who had addressed me, her voice kind of sounded familiar but I really didn't feel like chatting it up with an old female friend, I was too depressed.
"Nice night isn't it?"
I heard her say as she down next to me, my body still turned away from her.
"I guess you can say that"
I heard her laugh, god why did that laugh sound so familiar?
"You don't sound too happy"
I took another sip of my drink.
"I'm not"
"Care to share?"
I coughed.
"Well, this girl, I wrote her saying how much I knew I messed up with us, but she never wrote back. She doesn't love me anymore"
I heard the girl cross her legs, I could her legs rub against the leather material of the barstools.
"What makes you say that Mr. McKay, maybe she was just as afraid as you were."
I start to get peeved off at this girl, why was she sticking her nose where it didn't belong. I finally turn to her.
"What do you ---"
I stop in the middle of the sentence when I see that the girl I was about to snap at, was Brenda Walsh.
"Because I am that the girl"
Brenda replied answering my question.
I remember standing there for a few seconds, shocked, and then I remember hugging her, then I remember Donna and David coming over with the rest of the gang, I remember the welcome party we planned for Brenda, I remember that night breaking up with Kelly. I remember everything about that night.
:::2 years later:::
"Dylan, we're out of diapers"
I walk over to the beautiful brown haired woman that sat in the middle of the floor with our baby girl in her arms. I watched her silently as she made adorable faces at the baby while rocking her in her protective and loving arms.
"No we didn't, here"
I pass the diapers to my beautiful wife and sit down next to her, wrapping my arm around her.
"Oh, you love to torment me don't you?"
She said, while turning to me.
"Among other things"
She smiled big, her face glowing a little, she turned back to the baby, she picked her up and handed our child to me.
"Just because of that comment, you get to change her diaper"
I took, Adrianna, that's our baby girl's name, beautiful name by the way, but of course Brenda always knew how to pick the best names.
"You're evil"
Brenda got up; she dusted her beautiful sundress off and snorted out a laugh.
"No doubt"
She leaned over and kissed me softly on the cheek, and watched me as I changed Adrianna's diaper. After about 3 minutes of kicking and fussing, I finally got her diaper changed; I looked up and smiled triumphantly.
"See I knew you could do it. Come on, I made lunch"
I got up, and smiled as she took Adrianna out of my arms and nestled her in her arms, I wrapped my arms around Brenda's waist as we walked into the kitchen.
I was married to the most beautiful girl in the world and I was happy.
FIN.
Kelly Taylor.
Even that name means nothing to me, nothing. My whole life has always been about Brenda Walsh, I even tried to wash her memory out with Valerie and Gina, but they had been poor replacements and Kelly... god she was the worst, how could I ever pretend I was in love with Kelly Taylor when I knew my heart belonged to Brenda? Kelly, she never meant anything to me, all Kelly was to me, was lust. Pure lust.
Brenda had known me more then anyone did, and after she saw the scary part of me, she didn't run, she stayed, no matter what she stayed by my side. I never deserved that kind of loyalty and love from Brenda Walsh, but nonetheless she gave it to me, and she demanded I have it, she demanded that I love her and I obeyed. I wanted Brenda so much, she was just so beautiful and it was just a game, get another girl, party afterwards but Brenda... she became so much more then that to me. I fell in love with Brenda, the way she tucked pieces of her hair between her ear when she got shy or how she bit down on her bottom lip when she got nervous got to me... she got to me. All her little quirks and faults became my own and I started to see myself reflecting in her beautiful brown eyes, and I loved my reflection... I loved the way our lips felt when they brushed against one another's... I loved the way her creamy skin felt against mine... I loved the way our bodies melted into one.
I loved the person I was when I was with Brenda Walsh.
I'm a piece of shit, the most worthless piece of shit, and she has to know that, it's so obvious, but she loved me anyways. After all the rumors, the gossip, she still wanted me, after all that she heard about me from the "Famous" Kelly Taylor, she still wanted me. I'm still surprised about that to this day, any other girl would have walked away, said 'go to hell' to me but she never did that, she always stood by me, standing my shit.
Idiot. Moron. Simpleton.
I am all that and more, I had her, we were in London together, living together and we had been happy and then I ditched her to be with Kelly. God it wasn't even about Kelly, it was just that things were going so great, that I needed to leave before she realized she was too good for me, so I did and I regret that day and I will regret my decision for the rest of my life.
I had the best, Bren and me, we were soulmates, destined to be and I screwed that up.
I screwed that up really bad, I could have had the best for the rest of my life, I could have woke up next to the most beautiful woman in the world every morning, and knew that she was mine. I could have married her. I could have spent the rest of my life with her and been the father to her children, I could have had the perfect life... but oh no my goddamn fear of her leaving me got in the way of our happiness.
So I left her.
I left her before she could leave me and I used Kelly Taylor as my excuse, god Brenda's face was so hard to look at, her eyes watered up and then she cried and deep down inside I did too. She told me to leave, never come back, stay out of her life and then I walked out that door, and what no one knows... I cried the whole way to Beverly Hills... inside and out.
"What if you had chosen Brenda that night Dylan?"
I forget who asked me this, I think Kelly did, one night I think she asked me that and I had told her that I wouldn't have because I was happy with Kelly, lie after lie... I asked myself that question everyday... what if I had chosen Brenda? How would my life be different? And all I can think about, is that if I had chosen Brenda, I would be happy right now, instead of being miserable 24/7. It's not Kelly's fault, she is this wonderful person and I guess a part of me, really does love her but my heart, it tells me that I belong with Brenda and I believe my heart.
David and Donna.
God they are the perfect example, their on and off relationship was finally sealed with their marriage, it had been such a beautiful ceremony, I could feel the love in that room and it was beautiful, only if Brenda... if that had been me and Brenda, the ceremony would have been the best day of my life, I pictured me and Brenda up on there reciting our vows to each other:
"I, Dylan McKay, promise to love, honor, cherish and obey Brenda Walsh for the rest of my life. I promise to worship the ground she walks on. I promise to be the best man I can be for her. I promise that she will always come first in my life. I promise, that I will hold her hand through her hard times, I'll cry with her when she sheds tears and I will laugh with her when she laughs... and I will forever be loyal to her."
And I can picture me listening to Brenda with love reflecting in my eyes as she recited her vows, I know that they would be more meaningful and beautiful then mine and I know that she would look at me with tears in her eyes as we kissed, sealing our lives with a kiss.
But Brenda doesn't love me.
My worst fear has finally come true, she doesn't love me anymore, I certainly don't deserve her love... and she has finally understood that. Kudos to you Brenda, it's about time. I was never good for you, never good enough, you could have had so much better then lousy old me, you could have had someone who lived up to your expectations.....
But NO ONE will EVER love you like I do.
I may not be worthy standing next to her, but I know that I love her more then anyone in this entire galaxy could love her, that much I know.
I loved Brenda the most, out of all the... what 2 guys she dated in Beverly Hills, I loved her more, I loved her more then that little French jerkoff, I loved her more then any other guy she probably dated after me in London... I loved her more then anyone could. She was the world to me, and at times, when she had fallen asleep in my arms, I would just stare at her beautiful and in a way angelic face for hours and hours at a time, I would stare at her face until I finally fell asleep.
Soulmates.
Believe me, when I say this, Dylan McKay doesn't believe in soulmates. He thinks they are just figments of our imagination... but Brenda, yes she was my soulmate, which proves even I can be wrong about love. Brenda taught me so much about love and life, god she taught me how to open up and truly let myself love.
"Dylan, come to bed"
My back is turned to the girl in my bed, so she can't see the look on my face, damn she's awake. I turn and smile at Kelly Taylor and crawl in the bed, I put my arms around her body and when she's finally asleep, I stare at the white envelope sitting on the desk next to the bed.
I let my eyes stare at the name of the person I'm sending the letter to:
'Brenda Walsh'
I take the letter out real quick; just to examine what I had wrote:
Dear Brenda-
I know I am probably the last person you want to read a letter from, but before you throw this letter away in the garbage, please listen to what I have to say.
You were the best thing in my life. I have no hesitation whatsoever in my voice, or in my fingers when I write this, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I am the only one to blame as to why it failed between us. I loved you too much Bren, I was always worried that you would wake up one day and see me for the worthless piece of shit I was, I was terrified that one morning you would wake up and realize you deserved so much more then me, and I was ALWAYS terrified that you would leave me, I could never handle you leaving me, so instead I left. And I regret that, I truly do Brenda, because I would do anything to be with you right now, anything.
I'm back in Beverly Hills, so if you still care, if there is any part of you that still loves me, please Brenda come back here.
I love you.
-Dylan McKay
I remember putting the letter back in the envelope and falling asleep, then I remember waking up the next day and mailing that letter. I waited everyday for a call or a visit or even a damn letter from her, but I never got anything, 1 month passed by and I got nothing, I was ready to give up on Brenda and commit to Kelly but then something happened.
:::1 month Later - Beverly Hills - The Peach Pit After Dark:::
I stood by the bar, my arm resting on the edge of the bar counter, staring down at my drink, god every night in this place was the same, but for some reason I could never not go, it was like a routine for me. I took a sip of my drink, Screwdriver, I let the alcohol burn my throat for a second before taking another drink, the new bartender stared at me oddly for a second before speaking up:
"Girl troubles Dylan?"
I nodded but said nothing.
"Care to share?"
I turned to the bartender and shrugged.
"Her name was Brenda, that's all I got to say"
The bartender, I think his name was Daniel or something like that, just shrugged and walked over to another customer, nice red head girl, and started chatting it up with her. I sighed and took another drink.
"Is this seat taken?"
I shrugged glumly, not turning to face the girl who had addressed me, her voice kind of sounded familiar but I really didn't feel like chatting it up with an old female friend, I was too depressed.
"Nice night isn't it?"
I heard her say as she down next to me, my body still turned away from her.
"I guess you can say that"
I heard her laugh, god why did that laugh sound so familiar?
"You don't sound too happy"
I took another sip of my drink.
"I'm not"
"Care to share?"
I coughed.
"Well, this girl, I wrote her saying how much I knew I messed up with us, but she never wrote back. She doesn't love me anymore"
I heard the girl cross her legs, I could her legs rub against the leather material of the barstools.
"What makes you say that Mr. McKay, maybe she was just as afraid as you were."
I start to get peeved off at this girl, why was she sticking her nose where it didn't belong. I finally turn to her.
"What do you ---"
I stop in the middle of the sentence when I see that the girl I was about to snap at, was Brenda Walsh.
"Because I am that the girl"
Brenda replied answering my question.
I remember standing there for a few seconds, shocked, and then I remember hugging her, then I remember Donna and David coming over with the rest of the gang, I remember the welcome party we planned for Brenda, I remember that night breaking up with Kelly. I remember everything about that night.
:::2 years later:::
"Dylan, we're out of diapers"
I walk over to the beautiful brown haired woman that sat in the middle of the floor with our baby girl in her arms. I watched her silently as she made adorable faces at the baby while rocking her in her protective and loving arms.
"No we didn't, here"
I pass the diapers to my beautiful wife and sit down next to her, wrapping my arm around her.
"Oh, you love to torment me don't you?"
She said, while turning to me.
"Among other things"
She smiled big, her face glowing a little, she turned back to the baby, she picked her up and handed our child to me.
"Just because of that comment, you get to change her diaper"
I took, Adrianna, that's our baby girl's name, beautiful name by the way, but of course Brenda always knew how to pick the best names.
"You're evil"
Brenda got up; she dusted her beautiful sundress off and snorted out a laugh.
"No doubt"
She leaned over and kissed me softly on the cheek, and watched me as I changed Adrianna's diaper. After about 3 minutes of kicking and fussing, I finally got her diaper changed; I looked up and smiled triumphantly.
"See I knew you could do it. Come on, I made lunch"
I got up, and smiled as she took Adrianna out of my arms and nestled her in her arms, I wrapped my arms around Brenda's waist as we walked into the kitchen.
I was married to the most beautiful girl in the world and I was happy.
FIN.