This is Real

by StinkyRodent

Not a Songfic! Peter Pettigrew wishes he could escape from the hatred, the imprisonment under the world's most evil wizard. He remembers his friends who have died because of him, and dreams of just flying away... one-shot, pls R&R

A.N: Hey readers, hope you enjoy this one. A bit grim, yeah, but I like trying to understand how the Pettigrew thinks. One-shot, R&R !

This is real.

That's all that goes on in my head as I watch the wizarding world crumble. There's nothing I can do. This is real.

I no longer weep whenever an old classmate's death is reported in the news. I no longer shiver from the chill in the air.

I no longer flinch from the accusing eyes that shout, that cry and cry and cry with anguished pain, "This is your fault. You are to blame."

My former friends all fall, one by one, crumpling lifelessly the second green flashes. And as they do, I stand in the shadows, black robes and mask heavy on my trembling body.

I watch as each of the people I once called my companions, my brothers, stared up from the ground with desperate eyes.

I've seen many dead eyes.

Sad eyes, furious eyes, eyes screwed up in fear of death.

But all desperate. Desperate for the wizarding world which seemed doomed, desperate for their beloved families.

And this is all my fault.

I don't remember any more, what it feels like to fall asleep at night without guilt racking your soul. What it feels like to close your eyes without hearing the screams, the pleads of mercy and the curses being fired at you continuously.

There are times when I hope the Golden Boy will survive. Because he is the only one who can save the world. Sometimes I even consider turning against my Lord, going to Dumbledore to help. Maybe then, I will be able to escape from this agony. Maybe then...I will be able to pay for what I've done. To everyone, to the world, but most of all...James and Lily.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had the courage to do what I know I should do.

But then I stare into the Dark Lord's obsidian eyes that draw me in, until I sink helplessly...

And I know that I'm a coward.

I wish I could...I wish the Dark Lord would be defeated, that people will no longer spit on me with their last breath.

I don't know what will happen, I'm deathly afraid of the future.

Will I continue serving Him? Will I be his lowly servant forever, and turn against the side I know is right?

Or will I do as I have dreamed, joining the Light side and being able to spill all my regrets and anguish?

I don't know. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up for once to find it's just a nightmare, this hell I'm living.

But a wish is only a wish, no guarantee it'll come true.

This is real.