If you recognise it, it's not mine.
Sometimes Leonard really didn't know why he stuck with Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon was obsessive, petty and often downright rude. This morning alone he had managed to annoy Penny before she was even fully awake. Leonard had been woken up at 7am, on a Sunday, to Penny chasing Sheldon round the apartment, yelling something about cornflakes. When Leonard looked in, Penny was throwing cereal at the taller man, dressed in nothing but a skimpy vest and shorts and fluffy bear slippers. Leonard had stood there for a while before intervening. Later that day, Howard and Raj were coming around for another Batman movie marathon, and Sheldon had decided to research some obscure pieces of trivia which even the most obsessed of fans would find somewhat dull. Except Sheldon, obviously.
It began to rain, dark clouds drifting across the sky. Leonard lifted his head from the desk when he heard a knock on the door, flopping down again when it was followed by another two and a call of "Leonard?".
Knock, knock, knock.
"Leonard?"
Knock, knock, knock.
"Leon-"
Leonard pulled open the door.
"What?" he said exasperatedly.
"I need your opinion on something. Are you busy?"
Leonard rolled his eyes.
"No, I just have a paper to complete, Penny asked me to collect her mail while she's out of town this weekend, and I was going to go to the comic book store," he said sarcastically. Sheldon smiled.
"Great! So you can help me then? By the way, why didn't Penny ask me to collect her mail? We had a very interesting discussion this morning about the real reason cornflakes were invented."
Leonard sighed.
"Sheldon, you told her she was taking part in a global pro-vegetarian campaign."
"She got cereal down my neck!"
"You overanalysed her breakfast, she threw it at you. That's Penny, at 7am on a Sunday."
Sheldon frowned, before leading Leonard to the couch.
"Anyway, I need you to read this," he said, producing a large ring binder. Leonard frowned.
"What is it?"
"The results of my research on the phosphorescence of water-living creatures, which I have continued since I was removed from my place in the faculty."
Leonard fixed him with an incredulous stare.
"Glow-in-the-dark fish? Really, Sheldon?"
Sheldon glared at him.
"The entire basis of my research was that many cave dwelling creatures have no need for eyes as it is completely dark. It would be fascinating to examine how they adapt to a light source. This could also be extended to cover other species such as micro-organisms, therefore-"
Leonard sighed again.
"Sheldon, we don't live in a cave. We live in an apartment, where you should be working as a physicist, not-"
Sheldon held up a hand.
"I wasn't finished," Leonard rolled his eyes. "Therefore, possibly reducing the need for electric lighting on geological cave expeditions. Now I'm finished."
Leonard pushed the folder back to him.
"Sheldon, I doubt the world will ever be in need of glowing fish. Why don't you go to the comic book store? There might be something new."
Sheldon huffed.
"I am going to check the roommate agreement for the proper procedures concerning proofreading and feedback."
He walked out of the room. Leonard rolled his eyes. Again, petty and obsessive. The combination could be extremely wearing. For example, today was Sunday. Sheldon always made toast with butter and jam for breakfast on a Sunday. And woe betide if there was only strawberry jam, but no raspberry. Come to mention it, that was probably why he had confronted Penny about her cornflakes. At that moment, the telephone rang. Leonard picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, sweetie, it's Penny."
"Oh, hey, Penny. Why are you calling?"
"Yeah, you know how I said I was going out of town for the weekend to visit my cousins?"
"Yeah."
"Turns out that they were continuing the prank war we've been in since we were in first grade."
Leonard frowned.
"What did they do?"
"Let's just say that it took me an hour and a half to figure out where they'd gone, with my coat. And my phone. And then I had to get the coat down from the tree, and then there were the psycho chipmunks."
"Ok. Do you want me to give you directions?"
"Leonard, I came by bus. That's why I am standing in a tiny village in a phone box, with an old woman staring at me, like I'm some sort of-" her voice trailed off into the background.
"Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my back? Or are you just some creepy old- oh. A hole. In the shape of a...right. Thank you for letting me know. Yeah, I know that it looks weird. I apologise for calling you creepy. Yes, I live in the city- no, I'm not a prostitute. Do you mind!"
Her voice came back on the line, heavy with embarrassment and anger.
"I am going to murder Luke and Martin."
"Who?"
"My cousins. They cut a hole in the back of my jacket."
"You didn't notice?"
"Psycho chipmunks!"
Leonard sighed.
"Ok, I'll come get you. What's the place called?"
Eventually, after several incidents on the way, Leonard had gotten a fuming Penny home, promising to help plan revenge. Howard and Raj were due to arrive in a few minutes. Sheldon was cleaning his spot, plumping the cushions to the exact right angle. Suddenly, with a fizz, the power went out. Sheldon gave an irritated murmur, before beginning one of his 'I told you so' speeches.
"You know, Leonard, what would be really useful right now would be some natural light source. Like, oh, I don't know, one of the Phosphorescent Coopers-"
"You're actually calling the fish that?"
"Well, as natural selection would eventually form them into a different species, it would become necessary. Many great minds have named their discoveries after themselves, for example, Charles Darwin discovered-"
Leonard tuned out and began looking for torches. Somebody knocked on it. Sheldon went to answer it, still talking about fish.
"Oh, it's dark in here. Cool! It's like a real cinema!"
"But this means we can't watch the movies. There's no electricity, Raj."
There was a clatter as Leonard turned, torches in hand. He clicked one on and saw Raj lying on the floor.
"I'm fine! I tripped over the coffee table!"
"Ok. I'm going to go see if Penny's ok."
He knocked on the door across the hall.
"Penny? It's me, Leonard."
The door swung open. Penny looked out, wild eyed.
"Hey, you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, fine. Just a little scared of the dark."
"Do you wanna come over to ours? We have torches."
"Oh god, yes!"
The group were all sitting on the couch when Penny spoke up.
"You guys are all clever, right? I mean, you talk with really long words and play that game with horsies and lighthouses-"
"Chess."
"Yeah, that. So would you be able to prank two jerks in Nebraska for me?"
Sheldon leant forward.
"Explain."
So Penny explained about the prank war, how her cousins had stolen her stuff and cut a hole in her jacket.
"Plus, they set a bunch of psycho chipmunks on me."
Sheldon nodded.
"Ok. So this exchange of juvenile tricks requires immediate retaliation. Would a week be sufficient?"
Sure enough, by the next weekend, Sheldon was ready.
"Now, Leonard realised that my Phosphorescent Coopers became deceased specimens relatively quickly, and so I have set booby traps in your cousin's apartment with the remains, which should be sufficiently disgusting, and also prevents my having to deal with them. I researched what times they are likely to arrive home, and have timed a minor electricity shortage for exactly seven minutes past six, well after they should both be present, therefore lulling them into a false sense of security."
"And the best bit is," Raj added, carrying a large bowl of popcorn over to the computer, "we get to watch every second!"
"Wait, you put cameras in my cousin's apartment? How'd you do that?"
"Penny, I'm an engineer. This was simple. Now, let's watch!" Howard ceremoniously flicked off the lights and the group crowded round. For a couple of minutes, all they could see was a couch with two young men on it.
"That's Luke and Martin," Penny whispered. Suddenly, the lights flickered out. The sound of startled yelps filtered through.
"Oh my god, we have sound! Sheldon, I could kiss you!"
"Please don't."
As the sound of footsteps echoed through the speakers, the first trap was revealed. A shower of glowing, squelching dead fish cascaded onto the shoulders of one of the men. A second bucket tipped over the sofa. As panicked screams mixed with the sound of fish flopping onto the various surfaces, the watchers laughed. And laughed. Penny had tears running down her face. After about five minutes, the lights cane back on, revealing the two cousins huddled behind the couch. The room was covered with an explosion of what looked like ordinary, dead goldfish.
"Oh, I'm going to call them!"
"Put it on speakerphone!"
Everyone fell silent as the phone rang. They watched one of the pair -Luke?- reach out for the phone.
"H-hello?"
"Hey, Luke! Is Martin there? I was wanting to have a chat with you!"
"Uh, now's not a good time."
"I just saw something about power cuts around where you live, so I thought I'd check. I had one last weekend, it was raining fish and- sorry, cats and dogs! Crazy, huh?"
"Penny-"
"Anyway, I have some friends I'd like you to meet. Their names are Raj, Howard, Leonard and Sheldon. They're scientists. They can do anything because they know the laws of physics. And we have something to say, right, guys?"
"Penny, we are going to kill you for this-"
The group leant forward, surrounding the phone. When they saw the two men both shouting into the phone, heads close together, the friends shared a smile.
"Penny, I swear, we will tell Grandma-"
"Three."
"Come on, this is not fair!"
"Two."
"Penny-"
"One!"
"Wha-"
"BAZINGA!"