CHAPTER 1

Bloody hell! There she was again, the cat observed, the other cheerleader stretched out on HIS bed, relaxing, waiting for HIS human in HIS territory. How dare she! After Santana's absence for several days, Lord Tubbington was tempted to declare victory.

Alas, it was not meant to be. It was just another lost battle. The cat narrowed his eyes at his opponent and gave the cheerleader a look of disdain. Yes, Santana Lopez, the hussy was back. All the hard work for nothing.

Sighing, the cat partly blamed himself because he celebrated too early, let his guard down, and enjoyed the increased attention of HIS human, Brittany, too carelessly. Once Santana, the wanker, stopped showing up, Brittany often stayed in bed, listened to music on her iPod, cuddled with the Lord, cried and sniffled. The cat reckoned that HIS human was feeling a bit under the weather.

After several blissful days of undisputed and peaceful dominion in his empire, Lord Tubbington had to get ready for battle again, back to intelligence gathering, spying missions, five-steps-ahead strategic planning and also physical threats such as scratching and biting. It couldn't be helped. But he was Lord Tubbington and he could do it. Actually, Lord Tubbington was the title he assumed when he conquered this realm. His human, Brittany, said that "Lord Tubbington" was the British equivalent of Lady Gaga, another aristocrat far away. Then she mumbled something about having 'British shorthair' even though the cat would say that Brittany's hair was quite long. The humans living here paid their respects by worshipping Lord Tubbington with food, toys and other goods. That's why the cat spared them their lives and allowed them to stay in his empire. A sovereign needed his servants after all.

Back to the matter at hand, though, his arch nemesis, Santana, was quite persistent. She kept coming back like bloody bad 80ies pop songs. This time Lord Tubbington had to devise a plan, so evil, it would crush Santana, the pain in his arse, for good. TOTAL annihilation!

He just didn't know how to accomplish that quite yet. He would have to retreat and meditate on this matter for a while. Patience is a virtue, they say. He shall conquer this! Why yes, a nap should help.

#

It all started several weeks after Lord Tubbington was instated in the Pierce Empire. It has come to his attention that this one human was visiting quite often. The cat tolerated the visitor because he was not a tyrant. His realm was open to anyone submitting to him and paying their dues.

But one afternoon everything changed. Santana, the visitor was in his territory again. Lord Tubbington was too busy to deal with a mere human and couldn't be bothered during his tea time. Well, technically he didn't drink tea because he didn't like the taste but still it was time for his afternoon snack. A little cat biscuit would just hit the spot. He waited patiently in the kitchen but HIS human, Brittany, didn't show up, not even little Brittany, the smaller version of the HIS human. Quite perplexed the cat went to see what was keeping HIS human. He hoped it wasn't something serious. All his subjects are under his protection after all. He just didn't have the energy to fight off some pirate squirrels since he missed his afternoon snack and, thus, felt rather peckish.

When he entered HIS human's quarters he got a bloody eye full of Brittany snogging the visitor on her bed. What a scandal! Not to escalate the situation further, he cleared his throat politely, which came out as a 'miaow' sound. This went unnoticed so he resorted to scratching the bed post. Oh dear, this was such an awkward situation. He will have to talk to HIS human about discretion some time in private.

When the all his tactics failed, Lord Tubbington climbed up on the bed and examined the situation more closely. Now he understood. The two cheerleaders seemed to have melted together. Their limbs were entangled; hands were roaming around their bodies, probably in search of an escape. Judging by their moans the two were obviously in distress. Lord Tubbington in all his selflessness was prepared to claw off one or two of their limbs in order to save them both. He laid a paw on nearest spot on their bodies and extended his claws into dark skin.

#

"Ow," Santana shrieked and sat up straight.

"What's the matter Santana? Didn't you like our lady kisses?" Brittany asked in confusion.

"No, it's not that. It's your humongous devil cat. He tried to kill me!" Santana rubbed her wounded skin.

The other girl held her hands around Lord Tubbington's ears and scolded her friend, "San! Don't say that in front of him. He's very sensitive about his weight."

Lord Tubbington accepted HIS human's thanks when she cuddled him and rubbed his belly which reminded him of his missed afternoon snack. With a pointed 'miaow' to signal HIS human to follow him he jumped back on floor and strutted out of the room.