Um... Boo?
One day, in Transylvania, Carl the ridiculously amusing friar was extremely bored. "Oh, why me!" Carl complained loudly.
Carl was a good friar, and he knew perfectly well that if he didn't cooperate he would never get another paycheck ever again.
"Alright, alright!" said Carl. "I will not complain." He looked semi-thoughtful for a second. "I actually get paid to be in this stupid story?"
Carl, in fact, did get paid to be in incredibly stupid stories. And so one day, in an extremely absurd story, Carl the ridiculously amusing friar was extremely bored.
"I am extremely bored today," droned Carl in an exaggerated monotonous voice. "I wonder, whatever will I do?"
He then decided that he would go and explore the creepy old house that nobody has ever entered for over two hundred years. He pulled his hood over his head and stepped onto the menacing doorstep.
"But this is Anna's place!" protested Carl. "It isn't-" He suddenly tripped and fell. "Alright, I'll play along." He got up and knocked on the door. "This is ridiculous. There's nobody in the house."
Suddenly, before Carl could run away, the door flew open with an eerie bang, and a mysterious voice said, "Hello Gabriel."
Carl stared dumfounded, trying hard not to laugh as he saw Dracula standing before him, dressed up in a fairy princess costume, his plastic sparkly wand brandished in the air.
"Um...boo?" said Dracula. He looked puzzled. "Why haven't you run away, screaming in terror?" He glanced at himself in his ridiculous outfit. "Aren't I scary?"
"Well, I didn't run away screaming in terror, because 1. You called me Gabriel, which was just annoying and completely ruined the whole mysterious act, and 2. You're dressed like a fairy princess, which is not at all threatening," Carl told him. "If that was supposed to be a scare routine, than that was pretty pathetic."
Dracula lowered his plastic pink wand. "You've hurt my feelings!" he whined.
"You have feelings?" Carl asked.
"Yes! Even dead people have feelings!"
"Why are you in this house anyway?" Carl wondered.
"Well, I've decided to come back to the house I once lived in," Dracula answered. "Is there anything wrong with that?"
"What about Castle Dracula?"
"My brides and I aren't getting along right now," Dracula muttered. "You have no idea what it's like to have three wives!"
"Well, I'll be going now," said Carl, turning around to go back.
Dracula struck him on the shoulder with the pink plastic wand. "Not so fast!" he said, trying to make his voice threatening but only succeeded in sounding like he had a bad cold.
"What?" said Carl. He swatted the plastic wand away and it clattered to the ground, breaking into two pieces.
"You broke my pretty wand!" cried Dracula. "How could you?"
"Relax, it's only a childish plastic stick. Now I'm leaving!"
"You can't!"
"Why?"
The vampire looked forlorn and pitiful. "I don't want you to leave," he whined pathetically. "I don't have any friends." Before Carl could make any decisions, Dracula grabbed him by the arm and dragged him inside.
"But I didn't say I would stay!" protested Carl. "And don't touch me!" He drew himself away from Dracula's fairy princess-like grasp. "I'm going to leave now, whether you like it or not!"
Carl marched over to the door, seized the doorknob, and pulled and pushed on the door as hard as he could. "What did you do to the door!" he demanded.
"Um... fairy princess powers?"
Frustrated, Carl tried to open all the other doors and windows, but to no avail. He was trapped in the house with a femininely dressed vampire.
Van Helsing was in a tavern playing chess with Igor. "Checkmate! Haha, you lose!" he cried victoriously.
"Igor is a sad pathetic loser!" whined Igor, blowing his nose on his shirt sleeve.
"Yep, you sure are!" said Van Helsing. "But don't speak in third person, it's annoying!"
"Igor is angry!" declared Igor, breathing heavily. He splashed his glass of ale on Van Helsing and ran out of the tavern laughing like a lunatic.
"But this is my favorite shirt!" cried Van Helsing, desperately trying to wipe the spilled ale off his clothing.
"Van Helsing, that's your only shirt!" Anna told him.
"Anna!" said Van Helsing.
"Van Helsing!" said Anna.
"Igor!" said Igor.
"Igor, what are you doing here?" Van Helsing demanded.
"Igor forgot his purse!" He grabbed a red leather bag off of one of the seats and ran away again.
"Van Helsing, I can't find Carl!" said Anna. "He's been gone for about four hours now!"
"Maybe he's playing hide-and-seek!" suggested Van Helsing.
"For four hours!"
Van Helsing shrugged. "You never know."
Suddenly, a butterfly swooped in through the window and dropped a small, folded piece of paper on Van Helsing's lap. "STUPID BUTTERFLY!" screamed Van Helsing. "YOU SPILLED PAPER ALL OVER MY PANTS!"
"Relax," said Anna. "It's a letter!"
"Since when did you become smart and observant?" Van Helsing asked.
"I don't know," she confessed.
"Well stop it!"
"Okay," said Anna meekly. She picked up a napkin and started chewing on it.
Van Helsing unfolded the piece of paper. "It's from Dracula!" he announced. "Since when did Dracula start using butterflies as messengers?" he shrugged, and read the message, which said:
Hello, Gabriel (I do so love that phrase!)
If you are wondering where your friar friend has disappeared to, do not worry, for he is trapped with me in the "creepy old house that nobody has ever entered for over two hundred years". We are playing a game of dress-up right now, so please do not disturb us until after we've finished baking pink frosted cupcakes.
Vladislaus Dragulia, Count/Fairy Princess
Van Helsing crumpled up the letter and ate it. "He's got Carl in his clutches!" he hissed angrily. "I don't know how, or why, but that doesn't matter because today is Pathetically-Thin-Plot Day!"
"I thought it was All Hallows Eve!" said Igor.
"And I thought you left! Twice!"
"Igor forgot to leave a tip!" said Igor. He pulled some coins out of his pocket, threw them on the table, and scurried away for the third time.
"We have to get Carl back, before Dracula brainwashes him!" Van Helsing said, getting from his seat so hastily that he knocked over the table, which in turn knocked over Anna.
"Ow," said Anna, in a heap on the floor.
"Oops," muttered Van Helsing. He helped Anna up. "Let's go now!"
"Go where?"
"Honestly, weren't you listening?"
"You told me to stop being smart and observant!"
"Oh yeah, that's right." Van Helsing and Anna then ran out of the tavern and approached the creepy old house that nobody has ever entered for over two hundred years.
Van Helsing, crossbow in hand, knocked on the door. Dracula answered it, still wearing his idiotic fairy princess costume. "Hello, pizza delivery boy," he drawled mysteriously. Van Helsing stood there and gaped at him.
"Gabriel!" cried Dracula, a smile brightening his face. "Whatever are you doing here?"
"I've come to rescue Carl and destroy you once and for all!"
"Go away! The frosted pink cupcakes are still baking!"
"Let me in now!"
"Hey, this is my house!" cried Anna, who had finally noticed her surroundings.
"Shh! Play along!" hissed Dracula. "It's not your house anymore, it's some creepy old house that nobody has ever entered for over two hundred years!"
"Isn't there a shortened description of the house?" Van Helsing asked.
"Why yes, you can call it Vladtopia, which is what I have christened it, or you can just call it the creepy old house! Personally, I prefer Vladtopia." Van Helsing made no replies to this. He shoved Dracula out of the way and barged into the house.
"Hey!" whined Dracula. "You crumpled one of my fairy princess wings!"
"Where's Carl?" Van Helsing demanded.
"Carl's in time-out! We were playing dress-up, and I wanted him to be a tavern wench and he wouldn't cooperate!"
"Yes, but where is he?"
Dracula's ears suddenly perked up. "OH MY GOSH, THE TIMER! I MUST HURRY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND EVERYTHING FAILS!"
"The what!" Van Helsing shouted. "What are you up to!"
Dracula dashed away at lightning fast speed, Van Helsing just barely able to keep up with him. The vampire at last speeded to a halt, and pulled something out of some device that was shielded from Van Helsing's view.
"MY CUPCAKES ARE READY!" Dracula cried triumphantly, holding a tray of pink frosted cupcakes proudly in the air.
Van Helsing stared at the vampire in shock and disgust. "You've certainly gone soft, haven't you? And where'd Anna go?"
"Right here!" called Anna's voice. She soon came into view, holding a bucket full of fish. "Like my fishy friends?" she said, gesturing at her bucket.
Van Helsing sighed. He then turned to Dracula. "Now where exactly did you put Carl?"
"Want a cupcake?" Dracula offered. "They're pink and fluffy! Oh, and Carl's locked in the closet over there." He pointed at a door, and Van Helsing approached it.
He smashed the lock, opened the door, and found Carl crouched on the floor, bound and gagged, with a pink tiara shoved onto his head. "Carl?" said Van Helsing. Carl nodded furiously. Van Helsing laughed. "You look funny and you can't talk!"
Carl irritably made an attempt to kick Van Helsing. However, he was bound in such a way that making this attempt caused him to fall over on his side. He cursed angrily, which only sounded like random muffled noises through the gag.
Van Helsing stopped laughing and cut Carl free with his tojo blades. Carl ripped the gag out of his mouth and panted, "Get me out of here!"
"I'll be glad to get out of here too!" said Van Helsing. Carl got to his feet and ripped the ridiculous tiara off of his head. "Dracula seems to have undergone a severe personality change." he commented.
"I hate to say it," said Van Helsing, "but I think I prefer the old Dracula."
Suddenly, they heard Dracula's annoying voice calling, "Oh Gabrieeeeeeeel! Gabrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll!"
"WHAT!" roared Van Helsing.
"Gabriel, there's only one cupcake left! Speak now or forever hold your peace!"
"WHO CARES ABOUT THE STUPID CUPCAKES!"
"What's this about cupcakes?" Carl asked. "You miss out on a lot when you're stuck in time-out."
"Shut up, Carl."
"Ooh, shut up is a bad word!" cried Carl, pointing an accusing finger at Van Helsing.
"We have to get Anna and get out of here!" said Van Helsing, dragging Carl by the arm.
"Oh come Van Helsing, we can just leave Anna here, can't we?" Carl said. Van Helsing tugged on his arm harder on reply.
Dracula was still in the kitchen, and he now had a flowery patterned pillowcase in his hands. "Ah, just in time, Gabriel! I'm about to go trick-or-treating!" He gestured at his fairy princess outfit. "Like my costume? It would be perfect, if only Carl hadn't broken my sparkly wand!"
Carl folded his arms indignantly. "It was only a plastic stick! And it was pink, the color of evil!"
Dracula gasped. "How dare you call pink the color of evil?"
"I can sense evil in things!" said Van Helsing proudly, analyzing one of Dracula's pink fairy princess wings. "And the color pink is definitely ruled by evil!"
"Well, evil or not, I'm going trick-or-treating now!" said Dracula, about to walk through the door.
Van Helsing stood in front of Dracula, blocking his way. "I'm not letting you escape!"
"Oh, but it's All Hallows Eve! Just let me have a little fun!"
"He's probably harmless while he's in this personality change," Carl offered.
"Carl, you're not supposed to take his side!" muttered Van Helsing. "Remember, he tried to make you wear a dress!"
"Oh yes, that's right," said Carl, shuddering at the memory of the tavern wench outfit from Dracula's idiotic little dress-up game.
"I say we all go trick-or-treating!" suggested Anna, tossing fish randomly into the air.
"Anna, where'd you come from?" Van Helsing asked.
"I've been here all this time, silly! I've just been too unimportant to have any dialogue!"
"I agree with Anna," announced Carl. "Dracula can go trick-or-treating as long as we are there to chaperone him."
"Chaperone?" said Dracula. "You're making me sound like a naughty little child!"
"Yeah, yeah, now get outside!" said Van Helsing, giving Dracula a slight kick out of the front door.
Dracula then went prancing down the street, twirling the ridiculously short skirt of his fairy princess costume. "Let's try this house first!" He went up to a random house and pounded on the door.
The weird ugly gravedigger man answered it. "WHAT! WHADYA WANT! It's never too late to dig graves!" He held up his shovel menacingly.
"Er... trick-or-treat?" said Dracula. The gravedigger slammed the door in his face. "Where's his holiday spirit!" the vampire whined.
"Hurry up and go to the next house!" said Van Helsing impatiently.
"Fine, fine!" said Dracula. He went to the next house and pounded on the door. Some shriveled old woman opened it. "Oh, what an adorable fairy you are!" she croaked. She threw some pieces of chocolate into Dracula's flower patterned pillowcase, and hobbled back inside.
"Somebody thinks I make an adorable fairy!" cried Dracula. "This is the greatest night of my life!"
"Dracula, are you aware of the fact that an 'adorable fairy' is not a very masculine thing to be?" said Carl.
"You're just jealous!" sniffed Dracula. He crossed the street and knocked on the door of one of the houses. That one lady that Carl rescued from Dracula's offspring answered the door. Carl blushed and hung his head.
"Trick-or-treat!" said Dracula.
"You can't trick-or-treat!" the lady told him. "You're a count!"
"Actually, I'm just a fairy princess!" said Dracula, flexing his pink wings. "Can I have some candy?"
"I'd rather give some candy to Carl..." she said with an odd smile.
"Carl!" said Van Helsing. "How in the world are you managing to attract the ladies? Tell me your secret!"
Carl grinned. "I suppose it's just a friar thing."
The lady put some candy in Dracula's pretty pillowcase and closed the door. "Let's go to that house next!" said Dracula, pointing. But before he could walk another step, Aleera, Verona, and Marishka swooped onto the street.
"Er... hello my wonderful brides!" squeaked Dracula, trying to hide behind his pillowcase.
"Why did you run away from home?" demanded Aleera. "You've been gone for three days now!"
"We had an unfinished argument between us!" added Marishka.
"I...I was scared!" blurted Dracula.
"Scared? Of us?" said Verona. She eyed his fairy princess costume. "Ah, I see you've found your more... gentle side."
"Time to come home, Dracula!" snarled Aleera, grabbing hold of one of Dracula's fairy princess wings.
"But I'm right in the middle of trick-or-treating!" he protested. His brides ignored him and dragged him away off into the sky.
"I'm glad that's over with!" said Carl.
"Dracula left his pillowcase behind!" said Van Helsing, picking it up. "Free candy!"
Van Helsing and Anna then left to go to a ball with Igor and Frankenstein's monster, and Carl headed for the market to buy some cross-dressing vampire repellant.
The end!
Note: No Carls were harmed during the making of this story.