ATUHOR'S NOSE: All gays, women, children, and those that are easily offended should leave immediately. Even I scared myself a few times while writing this.
SHORT CHARACTER DESCRIPTION:
Carlos (aka Carloads)- a pretty cool guy that I made into a not so cool guy for this story.
Ashley- Carlos' little brother, he is a HUGE homo. Man this kid is gay.
spongeyfan- a kid I use to mess with (with the help of my friends of course) that liked to pretend he was 14 for two or three years though he was actually 10, and had a strange fetish for Sonic the Hedgehog.
colakid-another kid me and my friends messed with, except this kid was a complete faggot. He thought he was hilarious and wrote amazing stories and had a fetish for Leslie Nelson (R.I.P.) and never shut up about him.
As I was walking home from school a young man approached me and took out his pocket knife. "Give me your money bitch" he said as he tried to grab me by the neck. Instead, I took his knife, stabbed him in the throat and, for no apparent reason, ran home naked.
When I arrived home my brother stared at me in fear before quickly turning away and questioning, "Why are you naked?" I felt I did not need to dignify him with a response, so I punched him in the stomach so hard his head blew up. There was blood everywhere, and right before I was about to take a dump I heard a knocking at the door. Through the glass I could see the distorted figure of two cops and became frightened as I had a mess to clean, and a messy house is a bad first impression on your guests. I looked to my left and noticed a stair case going down to our garage, so I kicked my brother's corpse down the hallway and heard him fall down the stairs, out of sight from the cops. I noticed the stain on the floor, but decided it would easily pass off as tropical punch.
I opened the door slightly to not reveal my nakedness and said, "Yes officers?" One of the officers smiled and said, "I've got some good news for you! Your school has awarded you with a citizenship award for good behavior!" I stared him in the eyes and knew that he wanted me dead or alive. In one swift motion I grabbed his taser, stunned him until he was on the floor shaking and kicked his face repeatedly until I was sure he was finished. The other cop laughed as I did so, and knew that he was on my side in the battle against the world. So I invited him in for a tea party.
"Would you pass me the crumpets?" the officer questioned in his brightly colored pink night gown as we sipped away at our chamomile tea. "No you dumb bitch!" I screamed as I stood up and slapped him across the face. "I'm tired of taking demands from you and your slutty attitude! Get the fuck out of my house and take your god damn broken-condom baby with you!" The officer curled up in a ball and started crying, "I thought we were going to play tea party!" I calmly informed him that this was the usual occurrence of a tea party in Juarez, Mexico, except there are a lot more guns and he was lucky I didn't slit his throat right there. He did have a nice hat though. "Just please stop yelling so much!" he cried aloud. I grabbed a tennis racket and swung, bruising him on the side of the head and killing his self esteem. I was bored of this game so I smashed a hole in the wall and climbed inside. "Where are you going?" the officer questioned as I ventured off, but I ignored him as I could tell he was eyeing my new shoes from Goodwill and I needed to protect them at all costs. I'm not poor.
While I was crawling through the area between the walls of my house I found a small rat. "Hey little buddy, what's your name?" I squealed with delight. "Why it's Curtain Nuggets!" he joyfully exclaimed as he smiled back at me. Then I smashed him with my fist and ate his remains. I could tell my journey was going to be long and hard (ha) and I had to do whatever it takes to survive. I continued further on, when I found what seemed like a small rocket. Like, a small rocket that launches into space, not one of those model ones. That'd be gay. I climbed in and whacked off for about 15 minutes when I decided to finally hit the launch button. I forgot to put my seat belt on, which I should've remembered because I'm pretty safe. I once won an award in second grade for being safety guard of the week.
While in space I saw some Russians on a satellite. I decided that I should board it, because I fucking can. I climbed in the satellite and was greeted by a very loud, old, white haired, angry faggot that was probably PMSing hardcore. "VUT ARE VU DOING IN MY SPACE MOBILE!" he screamed at me. "Why do you touch yourself at night?" His head proceeded to explode and I got really bored of space so I went to the moon.
When I landed on the moon I screamed penis as loud as I could. No one heard me so I kicked over the American flag and set it on fire. Then out of nowhere an alien came out of nowhere. "VUT ARE VU DOING IN MY SPACE MOBILE!" I recognized the phrase he had just uttered but was unsure where it came from. Then I realized I was facing my oldest enemy of all time, CARLOS LARIOS THE HUGE HOMO THAT RAPES SMOKEY! "Oh come here smokey you dirty boy!" A dog slowly walked towards him whimpering as he removed his belt. "Stop that you horrible homo!" I screamed at the flaming sack of shit. "Oh man I wish there was a cock in my mouth right now." He charged at me with a claymore sword he had found but I had the skills of my mind and karate. And a gun. I shot him right in the face and he died in two seconds. Smokey tried to run away free, but I caught him and ate him raw; he wasn't pure and didn't deserve to live.
"FUCK THIS SHIT" I screamed as I ran into a moon crater. I jumped into space and flew back to Earth, landing safely in the moon crater. "Well thank god I'm home! Oh god dammit, someone pooped all over the living room!" A dark figure slowly entered the room and whispered, "it was me." Many of you are thinking Carlos again, but no, much worse, it was his little brother ASHLEY THE HUGE HOMO TRANNY THAT ALSO RAPED SMOKEY BUT NOT NEARLY AS MUCH BUT THAT KID SUCKS CHODE! "Prepare to engage in combat you abomination to mankind!" I challenged him. "Just let me freshen up first," he queerly responded. I punched that dumb homo right in the jaw but he thought I was making a move on him so he grabbed it and stuck it in his mouth. "What the fuck are you doing?" He started walking towards me and slowly repeated "CAWCK" and I got scared. I ran into my room and boarded up the door so I would not have my purity taken by that disgrace of nature. God dammit he's such a faggot.
I fell asleep because I wanted to dream about becoming a cast member of Veggietales and turned all the others into a sandwich and ate them, when I was woken up by the fist of a transvestite queer with horribly painted nails crashing through my door. "GIVE ME YOUR PENIS SO I CAN HAVE ONE!" I squealed and remembered the one person who might be able to save me. I ran towards my phone and quickly called the only person gayer than him: colakid12.
"HEY DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN THE NAKED GUN? THERE ARE CEMENT CONDOMS AND HE DIED RECENTLY TOO SOON? WANNA HEAR A STORY I WROTE ABOUT ALIENS AND WAR AND YOU'RE IN IT AND I WANT A BOYFRIEND :(!" "Listen up you stupid faggot, I've found the one person that is ALMOST as big a faggot as you. So if you want to do whatever you queers do in the back of some dance club while on ecstasy, come over he-" then something blurry and homo suddenly crashed through the wall and ran straight for Ashley, with a splatter of blood painting the walls a bright pink. I really don't want to remember what happened next so I'm skipping that and just going straight to the part where I go check on the mail.
"FUCKING SHIT WHERE IS THE MAIL?" I said as I slammed the mailbox closed and killed a small animal. Then a car slowly drove up to me and stopped, with some fat man possessing a large mustache and a really dumb hat smiling right at me. "HELLO THERE YOUNG MAN! How has your Christmas break been?" he questioned me. "Fuck you asshole the politically correct term is Winter break. I hope you burn in hell with all the other broken condom babies!" "Well aren't you just precious. Here's your mail for the day!" he replied with a big smile on his face. He did have nice teeth, but I wanted that hat. Badly. "Give me your hat." "Oh you kids and your shenanigans, this hat is work issued and I love pe-" "I SAID GIVE ME THAT GOD DAMN HAT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I threw my mail right at his face, knocking him out cold and leaving him with serious paper cuts, then I proceeded to grab his hat and drove off.
As I was speeding down the highway on my way to Alaska (for the lulz), a small Cuban child popped out of a mail bag. "You're not my owner!" he squealed. "I am now. And you better not get any ideas about my shoes. THEY'RE MINE YOU FAGGOT!" I pushed him out of the van because I knew he was about to take them. Thankfully, another one popped out again. I assumed it was going to help me with my daily chores, but oh no, it just stared at me and screamed "VUT ARE VU DOING IN MY DOING IN MY SPACE MOBILE!" I turned around and looked at the small, illegal boy. He was wearing a pink tank top, high heels and one of those really whorish skirts. I saw the flare in his eyes, the flare of homosexuality; Carloads had returned. I put the van in cruise control (FAFAFAFAFAFA) and reached back, attempting to grab the little faggot by his neck, but he ran in the gayest way possible in the opposite direction. "You can never catch me! I'll turn all the little boys gay, gayer than Drew Pickles at a nude beach!" I gasped in shock. "You dirty... little... ASSSSS PIRRRATTTEEE" I slowly emphasized like in Dragon Ball Z as I charged towards him, but that stupid fudge packer climbed the walls, hung from the ceiling and did that Satanic thing where there head spins all the way around, except he then started sucking his own penis and I was like COME ON, not now. But I was thinking this as I was charging and forgot to stop, so I accidentally kicked open the back doors and nearly flew out, barely grabbing the handle as it danced in the air.
"HAR HAR HAR" he laughed as he did some weird screech. All the bags tore open as even more gay Cuban children emerged from their cocoons. "Tseb eht si sinep nam ho!" he exclaimed as all the little pricks crawled towards me. He had them under some sort of a spell... a GAY spell. I high fived myself after thinking that one up. Damn, I should've said that then. Anyway, I found the strength and hurled myself back into the van, punching one of them in the stomach as I did so. It squealed "OH MY GOD I BROKE A NAIL" so I threw it off the van because it was being dumb. It splattered all over another car's windshield, but this wasn't just any car. It was the car of the biggest retard in the world, SPONGEYFAN. "umm im 14 and thes ilegul imigrunts r g*y nd thts against being CHRistian i wanna mak a sonic/tails porno but not g*y becaus thats wrong swearing isnt cool but itss okay im grown up now and..." Carloads and I looked at each other as he kept going on and on about dumb shit. Like some account he had on that he lost, or his Spongebob episode ideas, and then he started talking about playing Mario Kart DS online. Honestly, who gives a fuck?
"...and then music1089 haked my acunt nd I was bannd 4 lyfe LOL!" What the fuck. I don't give a shit. "o and then there was ths episud of sonic whr a vocuum cleener s*cked them but dont maik tht g*y oh f*ck my mom is calling." Spongeyfan picked up his phone and started talking to his MILF when he instantly crashed and blew up. That's why you should never talk on the phone and drive. I suddenly realized that I was still in an intense battle, but when I looked around and surveyed the premises everyone had killed themselves in one way or another. Carloads had shot himself right in the face, but when that didn't work he hung himself from the ceiling. I hopped back into the driver's seat and proceeded on my way to the nearest snake ranch. Fuck Alaska.
"NOW YOU'LL SEE HERE THIS IS A VERY FINE COPPER SNAKE BUT DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE BECAUSE IT'S DEADLY!" the man said as he held up the snake. It proceeded to bite him right on the forehead and he continued to fall over, dead. I laughed as people took pictures, but one baby started crying. I walked up to the baby and said, "What's wrong little guy?" He stopped crying, smiled at me and said "GOD DAMMIT THIS STORY FUCKING BLOWS. END IT ALREADY." I stared in shock. "What the fuck did you say to me? Little bitch?" "You heard me, dumb spick." I punched the baby in the face (I know, should've gone for the stomach) and he exploded. Like, not just his head, ALL of him exploded. It was raining baby guts. Everyone turned their attention away from the faggot having a seizure and stared at me. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" "You're a monster!" "You're like a worse version of Hitler!" "VUT ARE VU DOING IN MY DOING IN MY SPACE MOBILE!" "I hope you burn in hell!" I was forced into a state of shock and terror as they all circled around me, each one looking more fierce and terrifying than the next. Then, an idea popped into my head. "You do know that... he was a SPY!" Everyone gasped. "NO WAY!" "NU UH!" "GET OUT!" "Hey, if you didn't notice earlier it's me Carlos." "FOR REAL?" I began to develop a proud look on my face. "Why yes, yes he was. And I killed that little bitch before he got the information on our nuclear warfare. No need to thank me, but ladies you may blow me." Fifteen females scurried for my groin as I removed my pants, when suddenly the snake bit a crippled woman. I guess no one else remembered to pick it up. I did, but I'm a dick.
Everyone stared as the lady rolled over in her wheel chair and started moaning on the ground. And it wasn't that sexual moan. It was that moan where you're like "What the fuck? Stop that." One of the girls quickly turned to me and said "You knew about the spy, you're our only hope!" I looked around, timid and afraid, when I did what any real man would've done; I peed on her. Everyone stared at me in disgust, and one of them almost called me a monster again, when I exclaimed, "Fear not my fellow snake aficionados, my urine is non toxic and has been scientifically proven to cure various injuries and works well as an anti-venom." They all stared at me with blank stares, when one of them began to clap. Then another. Suddenly everyone was clapping for me, and someone even threw what I thought was a brown medal around my neck. Turns out, it was the god damn snake. Fucking retards.
I woke up and looked around the room. Everything was white and blank, but there was this nurse standing over me. "You're awake!" she screamed. "I heard about your heroic deeds and couldn't wait to meet you!" I stood up, and backhanded her as hard as I could. "You fucking bitch. When you talk to me, you better use your god damn inside voice, do you understand?" She looked at me in shock. "Yes sir. Do you want a sandwich?" I hit her as hard as I could. "FUCK YEAH I WANT A GOD DAMN SANDWICH!" I grabbed her by her stethoscope and threw her out the window. Turns out we were in a one-story hospital, so I shot her. As I went back to my bed, a plethora of people walked in. "Thank god you're up and at 'em! I thought the doctor said you'd never recover," some old bitch said to me. I stared at her, and almost proceeded to hit her, when she presented me with a sandwich. However, it had ketchup.
"YOU FUCKING THINK YOU CAN PUT KETCHUP IN MY GOD DAMN SANDWICH?" I screamed as I threw a lamp right at her face. "No sir, I'm sorry sir, I didn't kn-" "You don't fucking know anything, you're just a god damn woman!" Everyone began to turn on her, and with a large group of people beating, and I think one of them was raping, her I could get away safe without anyone noticing. I climbed out the window, purposely stepping on that filthy whore of a nurse, and went to the nearest bus stop.
As I sat down a strange, very ugly woman turned in my general direction. "You like Airplane?" I could recognize that question from a mile away, I was sitting next to colakid12. "Oh god dammit, not now." "So I wrote this story the other day about these two men, and it's a comedy, and they drive around in a car until it runs out of gas. Then, they have to walk all the way home, but one of them stepped in gum! It's a knee slapper!" "I fucking hate you and I hope you die," I responded. I tried to get up and walk away, but that little queer muffin just followed me. "Do you know anyone that's really gay and would love to be my boyfriend? Maybe... you could be him?" "FUCK YOU FAGGOT GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" "Just give it a chance. I know it's tough at first, but-" I interrupted him mid-sentence to push him into on coming traffic. He somehow survived, and I was pissed. Of course, that didn't prevent him from SHUTTING THE FUCK UP. "Hey man, come on... I know you want to help an old friend out. Hell, if you come help me up, I'll even blow you, because that's what true friends do." I stood over him and curb stomped his face in because if I listened to him for a few more seconds I may have had to shoot myself. He appeared to be dead, but as I turned around, another one of them was right in front of me. "Hey buddy! Cement condoms! I'm really gay!" Something was up, because then another colakid came up behind him and... yeah. I ran away as fast as possible, and went to Science Mountain.
I knocked on the door as fast and hard as I could. "Dr. Science Mountain, Dr. Science Mountain, you need to help me! Come quick!" Dr. Science Mountain opened the Science Door and looked at me. "What is it young lad?" "I think someone has been cloning the biggest homo in the world!" "Why, I don't anyone has been cloning Spongeyfan! I mean, who would want to, that kid's a fucking retard." "No, not him, this time it's someone MUCH WORSE." I said with a lot of emphasis on much worse, hence why I put it in caps. "You don't Science mean..." "Yes, yes I do." "Oh dear, this is drastic. Come in, come in," he said as he went into his Science Lab.
"Now tell me, what did you encounter?" "It was colakid being a huge homo as usual, but then I curb stomped him and another one appeared right behind me. Then another one came up and..." "What is it?" "I think you know, him being gay and all." "Son, I need to know what happened, or I can't help you at all." I replied with a soft "I don't want to..." when he stood up and screamed "You'll tell me what the Science I want to know you dumb bitch, or I'll slit your throat and rape your corpse!" "THEY BUTTFUCKED!" Dr. Science Mountain stared at me in disbelief. "Oh... oh dear. This is quite the tragedy. I hope you know what this means." "No Dr. Science Mountain, please go on!" "These aren't just clones... these are CLOMOS!" I was stunned. For those of you that don't know, clomos are homosexual clones that reproduce by buttfucking. This needed to be stopped immediately, or everyone in the world would be a clomo. "Dr. Science Mountain..." I said as I heroically stood up, "get the Science Gun."
We geared up in our anti-homo gear and raced down Science Mountain to Parkway Street. This was said to be the breeding ground for these terrible monsters. We slowly stealthed our way in and found two clomos conversing. "You know, I'd really love to have buttsex with you, but I have a feeling I'm just not gay enough." "You're gay enough. In fact, we all are!" They began to do naughty things but it's okay, I showed them with my purification laser. "Eat shit and die you faggots!" Dr. Science Mountain jumped out from behind a wall and punched a clomo right in the face. "God damn chode sucking sinners!" He ripped off the skin of one of their faces and glued it to his. I was pretty scared. Infact I don't know why I told you about that part, it's pretty strange. "RAHARHARHARHAR!" he exclaimed as he killed clomo to clomo while I slowly assisted. "Come on, we've gotta get rid of these damn bastards!" I looked up in the ceiling and noticed a CLOMEGG. In case you didn't know, that's an egg for clomos in which they hatch out. I shot it and a billion little CLOMBRYOS fell out. In case you didn't know, a clombryo is an unborn clomo. Those are the best kind so they can't fully develop into a raging homo. I eat them raw.
"I think we've gotten the last of them! Damn queef eaters!" Dr. Science screamed as I finished off what we thought was the last of the clomos. Then, from the depths of the shadows, came the original colakid12. "You thought you could kill my clomos? You thought you'd get rid of all the people that listen to my stories and watch Leslie Nelson movies with me? Did you know that The Naked Gun was a six episode TV series?" Dr. Science Mountain pistol whipped him as hard as possible, but this was no match for the biggest faggot ever. He grabbed Dr. Science Mountain, locked him in a choke-hold and attempted turning him into a clomo, but his actions were stopped by the Tushinator 800. "This isn't going to hold for long... take the shot... and save me!" I steadied my gun at his head, put my finger on the trigger... and threw down my gun. "Fuck this shit, I'm going home." "No god dammit, what the fuck are you doing you dumb !" he exclaimed as he slowly, but surely, became a raging, flaming, full on homosexual clomo.
When I arrived home I opened the door to both my parents. "Hey mom, hi dad!" I said as I smiled and cheerily walked past them. "Son..." my mom started, "we have some terrible news." "Come on mom, I was about to go rub one out!" "This is more important. Your father and I... are getting a divorce." "What? WHY!" My dad slowly walked towards me, put his hand on my shoulder and stated, "I'm gay." I looked at him straight in the eye. "That's it? I don't give a fucking shit." I ran to my room, closed the door, jumped under the sheets and proceeded with my "me time", but then it turns out there was a gas leak so our house blew up and everyone died the end.