A/N: This is rated 'M' for disturbing images and for an instance of sexual assault. I realize that the basis of this story is rooted in an issue that might be very painful for some people to read, so please proceed with caution. I really can't quite believe I'm writing this. I like reading and writing lighter, happier stories, especially about Vaan and Penelo, because of who they are. I really did not want to write this story. I didn't want to write the subject matter, but it came pouring out anyway. I've come to realize that there are a lot of reasons why I was so driven to write this, and it is not because it's something I enjoyed or did for fun. This was very difficult to write, and I have a longer note about it at the end of the epilogue.
I gave this the title 'She is the Sunlight' because I was listening to the song with the same title by the band 'Trading Yesterday.' Part of the song says 'she is the sunlight, and the sun is gone.' And…that was when my muse smacked me upside the head with this entire story.
Disclaimer: These characters and this world don't belong to me. (Really, you think?)
Spoilers: I'm placing this story immedately following Revenant Wings, so there may be vague spoilers for that, though probably not many, since I never actually played Revenant Wings. I just skimmed through the script to find out what happened with Vaan and Penelo. Most of the focus here is based directly off of Final Fantasy XII.
Chapter One
Vaan woke to the sound of pots being banged around, followed by the sound of something sizzling. His eyes popped open, and he glanced around the small bedroom. The space on the bed next to him was empty. Judging from the weak sunlight streaming through the windows, it was only just past dawn.
Sighing, he dropped back onto the bed. Sunrise was definitely not his favorite time of the day, and it didn't help that he had been out well into the middle of the night, having some weird meeting with a Seeq who wanted something shipped to Archades. Vaan had no idea what it was, and with half the gil the Seeq had paid him to do the job jangling in his pocket, he didn't care. He was supposed to pick up the package that evening, and the Seeq had been incredibly insistent that he take it to Archades immediately. Which was fine; after sneaking away from Rabanastre-well, trying to sneak away and instead being chased by their friends-he had promised Penelo a full week of having her feet on solid ground before heading off on their next adventure, but their week was now over.
It had been nice, he admitted. They had stopped at a little coastal town and splurged on this cottage, which was tiny, having only the bedroom, bathroom, and a room barely large enough for the kitchen, table, and couch squeezed into it. Penelo had simply been delighted that they had a kitchen. She actually liked cooking, and while Vaan didn't understand that, he didn't mind, because he liked eating…and Penelo's cooking had improved to where he actually liked eating what she cooked.
He heard the sound of her singing quietly in the kitchen while she fixed breakfast, and he pulled his pillow over his head, hoping to get a little more sleep. He closed his eyes and vaguely listened to Penelo's normal morning routine, half-drifting back to sleep, before her singing stopped and a minute later he felt the sudden shift of weight as she sat on the edge of the bed, her back pressed against his side. He was unsurprised that he hadn't heard her come in; she was a dancer, after all.
"Good morning, Vaan," she said, and poked him in the stomach.
"Ow," he moaned into his pillow, which she abruptly pulled off of his head. He frowned and blinked bleary eyes, only to find her face right above his.
"You were out late."
"We have a job." Vaan reached for the bag of gil in his pocket and pulled it out, dangling it in front of her.
She took it carefully and opened it, her eyes widening when she saw the amount of gil inside. "Vaan-what are they asking us to do?"
"Just deliver something to a lord in Archades," he said. "We'll have to leave tonight after I go pick up whatever it is we're delivering."
"Archades? Maybe we can see Larsa while we're there."
Vaan shrugged, though inwardly he found himself mildly irritated with the idea of seeing Larsa. Not that he had anything against him at all, but it had occurred to him after their last visit to Archades that the young Emperor liked Penelo. Really liked her, and it bothered him for reasons he couldn't entirely put into words.
Just like he couldn't quite put to words the sensations that jolted through him when Penelo was just hovering over him like that, the smile on her face making her eyes sparkle, leaning toward him so their faces were only inches apart. She kissed him lightly on the lips, and then abruptly poked him again, making him jump and wince. "Come on, sleepyhead. Breakfast is ready." She leapt off his bed and out the door, and he found his eyes drawn to the bare skin of her waist and the way her hips moved as she walked-
He shook his head and pulled the pillow back over his face. Something was entirely wrong with him. It was like one day he had suddenly realized that the person sleeping in the next bed-and often the same bed-was actually a woman. Perhaps it had really been watching her dance for Velis that had been the catalyst for this realization, though he suspected these feelings had been there for quite some time.
She was still Penelo; she hadn't changed, but maybe his awareness about her had, and he had no idea what that meant for him, even when she kept kissing him. He didn't object to the kisses at all, though he still wasn't certain about taking the initiative. She seemed to be waiting for something from him, and he had to admit that part of him was nervous about it. What if he completely bungled something? He always seemed to do things that exasperated Penelo. And…his emotions for her were so steadily rising, so strongly, that if he started kissing her, he wasn't sure he would want to stop. He wasn't sure where it would lead, and if that would upset her, and-
He sighed. Why did girls have to be so confusing?
He tossed and turned in bed for another minute before realizing he wasn't going to fall back asleep. Resigned, he rolled out of bed and quickly dressed before stepping into the small main room, where Penelo already had breakfast on the table and was just finishing her meal. She looked over and smiled as he sat down. "Hey, Vaan. Let's go down to the sea today, before you have to pick up the shipment."
"All right."
"Great! I'll pack lunch." She finished the last few bites of her food and stood up.
He watched as she cheerfully began to pull out food and put it into a cloth bag, and when he was finished eating, they left the cottage and headed for the seashore.
Penelo tucked her arm into his and leaned her cheek against her shoulder as they walked. "This week has been nice."
"Yeah."
"We should do this more often."
Vaan didn't offer a reply, but Penelo didn't seem to expect one. They walked to the coast in comfortable silence. This time of morning, there were only a few people around-several fishermen, a man hunting for treasures along the sand, and a lone woman sitting on the shore, gazing at the water.
Penelo dropped the bag of lunch on the sand, then glanced at Vaan mischievously. "Race you to the water!"
She let go of his arm and took off before he had time to respond. Grinning, he raced after her. For all that her legs were shorter than his, she was still fast, but he closed the gap between them and passed her just before his feet splashed into the waves. He ran in up to his waist, then turned and raised his hands in victory. "Ha! I've-"
His taunt was cut off when she splashed water straight into his face before jumping on him and tackling him into the ocean. His head went underwater, and he pushed to the surface, spitting out water and narrowing his eyes at her laughter. He swiftly hooked his leg behind her knees, at the same time grabbing her arm and pulling her forward. She fell on top of him and they both went under. When they resurfaced, Penelo kept her arms around him, giggling as she attempted to ruffle his sopping hair.
Vaan stared at her, mesmerized. The water drops covering her sparkled in the morning sunshine and her eyes danced at him, bright and teasing. Did she have any idea how beautiful she was?
He must have been staring too long or too intensely, because she tilted her head to the side and studied him quizzically. "Vaan? Are you all right?"
He blinked, suddenly all too aware of her soft hands on his back, of her legs wrapped around his waist and her curves pressed against him, and he jerked away from her so fast she lost her grip on him and fell back into the surf again, just barely catching herself from going completely under the water.
"Vaan?" she asked, and he couldn't tell if that was concern or disappointment in her voice.
He deliberately kept his eyes level with hers and pushed a smile to his face. "Bet I can swim faster than you." Taking a cue from her, he dove into the water before she could protest.
Things were mostly normal after that. They swam for a while, and then built a little city in the sand before digging into the lunch Penelo had packed. They stayed until mid-afternoon, when Penelo said that if they were going to be leaving late that night, she had better pick up some supplies. Vaan told her he would make sure their airship was ready to go. Due to the destruction of their first airship, they had been forced to acquire a very old, very cheap substitute that Vaan was planning on trading for a better model at the first opportunity. Penelo had been a little nervous it would crash on their way to their vacation, but it had held together without any mishaps.
They headed their separate ways and met back at the cottage for dinner. Finally, when the sun had gone down, Vaan headed out to pick up the goods he would be delivering while Penelo stayed to pack up their belongings.
The place where he was supposed to meet the person who would be delivering his package was a bar-a very dark, dirty bar full of patrons like so many Vaan had seen on his travels. People who looked like they would kill you for the shirt on your back, people who looked weary from long journeys, people who looked roughed up from difficult hunts. He slipped in among them, wondering if any of his experiences showed when they saw him, or if they just saw a naïve boy from Dalmasca.
He took a seat at the edge of the room only after buying a drink so as to look less conspicuous. He had only been there for a few minutes when someone wearing a hood slipped into the seat across from him.
Vaan felt pressure on his foot and realized the person had pushed something to him under the table. He didn't look at it, instead trying to get a glimpse of the face beneath the hood. He saw nothing but shadows.
"Deliver it, and you'll get paid your full due," a light voice said-a very light voice; the person was female. "See to it that you're quick about it, eh?"
"Of course."
She nodded and stood back to her feet. She left the bar and only when she was gone did Vaan reach down and retrieve the package she'd left. It was smaller than he had expected; the box fit in the palm of his hand. Shrugging, he slowly finished his drink, not wanting to draw any undue attention, and then carried the little box out of the bar, winding back toward the cottage.
He frowned slightly when he found the cottage completely black. Would Penelo have gone to sleep already? He had only been gone an hour. Even if she had gone to sleep, she would have left a light on for him.
His frown deepened and apprehension prickled through him when he saw that the front door was cracked open. He carefully pushed it open and peered into the darkness. "Penelo?" he called. His eyes strained to see the lamp that should have been illuminated, but it wasn't on the table; instead, it was smashed on the floor, broken glass shards everywhere.
The light was not the only thing to be upended; furniture was knocked over, and their belongings were strewn across the room. Fear surging through him, he stepped toward the broken light. "Penelo!"
He froze in his tracks when he nearly tripped on her body, sprawled on the floor behind the couch, only feet from the bedroom door. Horror and terror surged through him as he flung himself down beside her. There was blood everywhere, staining her top and smeared across her stomach. That was bad enough, but she was also half undressed, her dancer's pants ripped, blood and bruises on her thighs. More bruises marred her face. Inches away from her fingertips was the dagger she always carried with her, coated in red.
Added to his fear was a horrible, raging fury unlike any anger he had ever experienced. His eyes found the spattered blood on the ground and several bloody fingers. A man's fingers. His gaze darted back to Penelo's dagger and vindictive satisfaction slammed through him, and he thought that given the chance, he would cut up the bastard who had done this a piece at a time.
Panic was swift to follow. What do I do? Was she even alive? If she was dead…
Focus, Vaan! The blood primarily seemed to be coming from a wound in her shoulder. Wounds, he knew how to handle. If she was alive…
Shaking, Vaan leaned close to her face, trying not to look at the rest of her battered body. He got near enough to her mouth to feel her breath, harsh and rapid, on his cheek. Relief mingled with his other swirling emotions.
"Pene-" Her name had only just started falling from his lips when her eyes snapped open and her mouth opened in a silent scream, her hand coming around to bash him in the side of the head. Totally blindsided, he jerked backwards, seeing sparks. "Penelo!"
She froze, her eyes darting around, her bloodied dagger lifted in a striking motion, and with a sickening lurch to his stomach, he realized that she was blind. The dagger slipped from her fingertips, clattering to the floor, and her mouth opened again, but nothing came out.
She was blind and silenced. Quickly, he cast the counterspell for silence and then blind on her until she was staring at him through one good eye and one swiftly swelling eye. She gasped, "Vaan," and abruptly fell forward into him.
He caught her and could do nothing but hold onto her as she took great, heaving breaths. In the midst of her gasps, a single scream escaped her, only slightly muffled by his shoulder, a horrific, agonizing scream that he had never imagined could come out of her mouth.
She clutched him so tightly he could hardly breathe, and he remained there, unmoving, until she started trying to drag herself to her feet, only to suck in a sharp breath and fall back into him.
"Here." Without giving her a chance to object, Vaan lifted her into his arms. She was trembling horribly as he carried her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed. This room, too, had been ransacked. Their clothes and items were haphazardly scattered across the floor.
Vaan draped a blanket over Penelo's shuddering body before examining her shoulder wound, which looked like it had been done with her own dagger. He hastily found several potions and poured them down her throat, which muted her bruises and began healing her wound, and only then attempted a healing spell on her, feeling clumsy and inept as he did so. He was out of practice, and Penelo was the one who was experienced at using white magicks.
The whole time, Penelo stared at the ceiling, at nothing, or maybe at the horror in her mind at what she had just suffered. As soon as he had cast the healing spell and watched the rest of her bruises disappear and the gash in her shoulder completely close, he fought to find his voice. A dozen questions were jostling around his head, but all he could manage to say was her name. "Penelo."
She blinked, her eyes moving to his face and then down at herself, at the blood on her top, at the blood that had gotten all over the blanket covering the rest of her body. Her breathing sped up and she pushed out of bed, running out of the room before Vaan could utter another word. He heard the bathroom door slam, and all he could do was sit there on the edge of their bed, staring at the stained blanket she had dropped in her haste to leave.
Suddenly feeling horribly nauseous, he stumbled out of the bedroom, dropping to his knees before he even realized his legs had given out. Who had done this? Why Penelo? Why? How had this happened? How could it have happened? Penelo had taken down monsters and zombies and judges, and even though she was a healer more than a fighter, she knew how to fight. She was so strong, so competent, so how could this have happened?
A little voice whispered that while she had taken down said monsters, zombies, and judges, she'd had the aid of her friends, so that when she did get hurt and knocked out, they could heal and revive her.
And there were still those with more experience than her.
He pushed himself to his feet. He needed to clean this up, for his sake and for hers. He couldn't look at it anymore.
He disposed of the severed digits and scrubbed the blood away from the ground, taking out his anger on the wooden floor until every last inch of red was gone. He heard water running in the bathroom the whole time, and while Penelo was still in the shower, he took the stained blanket and burned it to ash, nearly catching the bed on fire in the process. He cleaned up the broken glass, picked up their belongings, and set the furniture back on end. Once the cottage was relatively clean, he wandered around helplessly, having no idea what to do, swinging from one emotion to the next, until he realized Penelo had been in the shower for an hour. He walked to the door and knocked on it. "Penelo?"
There was no answer, and he certainly wasn't about to walk in on her after everything she had just been through, so he decided he should give her some more time. After another half an hour, though, he was just plain scared, so he knocked on the door again before cracking it open. Not looking inside, he called, "Penelo?"
There was still no reply, and he realized that if he didn't help her, no one would. They were in a town where he knew no one, and even if he did have someone to fetch for aid, it would mean leaving Penelo alone, and he couldn't do that, either.
Bracing himself, he stepped into the bathroom. Recently, the thought of seeing Penelo naked had been an intriguing one that somehow simultaneously sent chills and heat through his body. At this moment, he only felt sick and guilty and he just needed her to be all right. Nothing else mattered.
Her ruined clothes were stuffed in the trash next to the sink. She was sitting in the shower, wrapped tightly in a towel, water pounding down on her. Judging from the piles of bubbles around her, she had used at least an entire bottle of soap. Vaan took a cautious step forward and reached his hand into the stream of water. It was freezing cold. He quickly turned it off. "Penelo…"
She was shaking violently. Feeling utterly helpless, he reached for her huddled body. She flinched away from his hands, and he whispered, "It's all right. Come on."
She looked up at him, shivering from head to toe, spattered with bubbles, and finally accepted his hands. He pulled her to her feet, and as soon as she was standing, she withdrew her hands and stumbled toward the bedroom. She shut the door behind herself, and this time, Vaan only waited for a few minutes before going in after her. She was lying on the disheveled bed, dressed in some of his clothing, the sopping towel on the floor. Vaan stepped over it and hovered uncertainly. "Can you-can you tell me what happened?" he finally asked, his voice hoarse, not sure he really wanted to hear the details, but needing to hear them at the same time.
Penelo's eyes darted to him and she shook her head wordlessly. For a moment, Vaan thought she wasn't going to answer, but she finally whispered, "They came just after you left."
Vaan's hands clenched into fists. They? There had been more than one?
"I thought you were just…coming back. That you had forgotten something." Her breath caught in her throat, and suddenly she was sobbing, clutching her stomach and crying so hard that Vaan had a hard time understanding the words pouring out of her mouth. "There were four of them. I was hit with silence before I even realized it wasn't you, and then I was blinded…"
Taking away her ability to do any magicks, and her ability to see what she was fighting.
"They tried to hit me with disable. I could feel it, but they didn't realize I was wearing a black belt-"
The black belt that made her immune to disable. Penelo had a few little trinkets she wore here and there to help protect her, but it apparently had not been enough.
"I tried to get away, but this time they got me with immobilize, and that one worked. I couldn't move. They were looking for something. I could hear them, and one of them said maybe it wasn't here yet. They-they wanted to know where you were, but I wouldn't have told them even if I could have."
Vaan's entire body went cold. Could they have come looking for the very package he had gone to pick up? Was this entirely his fault?
"They looked long enough that the immobilize wore off, and I thought if I could just find some eye drops or echo herbs I might be able to-" She shook her head. "But one of them grabbed me. I fought him, hurt him, even though I couldn't see him. I hurt him with my dagger. I know I did-"
Vaan recalled the fingers on the ground. Yes, she had hurt him, but definitely not enough.
"-and I heard him screaming, but then someone else grabbed me and got the dagger away from me. He stabbed my shoulder. I fought. I fought, but he punched me in the face and I was so dazed-I almost blacked out. He said he was going to teach me a lesson. He-said-" She was gasping hard now, almost hyperventilating, but the words did not stop their rush to get out, as though a poison was being sucked out of her. "He said it would be a lesson to those who get involved in his business. He told me to pass the message on to you. He said he wants it back, and you're to leave it at Syl's Gambits by tomorrow at sunrise, and then he-" She stopped talking abruptly and shook her head violently.
Vaan didn't need her to say what had happened; he knew. He knew, and he couldn't think about it, because his white hot rage was already boiling over and if he thought about that, it would put him completely over the edge. Even though he couldn't help but think about it. "What about-" He wasn't sure he could ask it, but he had to know. "What about the other three?"
"They didn't-" She shook her head again, but Vaan got the message. He wasn't sure he could say he was relieved-there could be no relief in this situation-but at least he knew that she had only suffered through it once. "The one I hurt was still yelling and cursing. I fought while the other one was-was-" She couldn't say the words, but the picture was crystal clear in Vaan's mind. "But he hit me again. I blacked out, and then I woke up and you were there." Her eyes caught his, pleading for something, forgiveness or understanding. "I fought, Vaan. I fought."
Vaan swallowed and started to reach for Penelo, because that was what he did: he held her when she was hurting. He stopped with his arms half out toward her, suddenly realizing that she might not want him to touch her right now.
Her eyes filled with tears and she mutely leaned into him. Her hair was wet and cold from her shower, and little rivulets of water ran down Vaan's chest as he settled back against the wall, holding her carefully in his arms.
There was so much he wanted to say, but no words that seemed right. What could he say that could possibly make this better, especially when it was his fault?