AN-The new season starts in a few days. While I am looking forward to it I am also a little afraid that we won't see the same Ryan. I loved angst filled Ryan and I'm afraid for his future. One-shot. Nothing is mine, just borrowed.

Kirsten heard the door and listened to see who was home. Kirsten could tell it was Ryan because his heavy boots always announced his presence. She was always surprised by his short stature because he just sounded bigger. However, Seth's shoes were made for stealth and he enjoyed sneaking up on her. She knew it was Ryan this time because she caught the scent of tobacco before he closed the front door. She made a mental note to remind Rosa to check the front planter again.

"Hi, sweetie," she said as Ryan came into the kitchen. "How was your day?"

"Fine," Ryan said. He opened the refrigerator and reached in for a Snapple. "Would you like one?"

"No, thanks." Kirsten smiled at Ryan. She wondered if someone could be born polite and courteous because she just couldn't picture Dawn teaching Ryan the social graces. "You got some mail today."

Ryan didn't say anything but managed to convey his question with a raised eyebrow.

"It's on the counter by the phone."

"Okay, thanks."

Seth opened the pool house door and walked in without knocking. "Hey, little man." Seth patted Ryan on the head. "Let me ask you something. What is it about women's shoes? Why does shopping for shoes like trump everything else in life? I wanted to go to the comic book store but Summer had to go shoe shopping. Had to! Who has to go shoe shopping?"

Seth watched with interest as Ryan opened his mail. "So what is it? It's from your mom, right? Right? A chip? What, is she hanging out in Reno again? A little souvenir of her winnings?"

Ryan shook his head. "Since when did you see a chip like this at a casino?"

Seth looked again and agreed. Casinos didn't have bright fuschia chips like that. Or at least he didn't think they did. "Is that fuchsia? So what is it, huh?"

"See?" Ryan held the chip out to Seth. "See the 1 on there? "

"Oh, yeah. What's that?"

"It's what you get at AA when you celebrate your one month sobriety. My mom sent it to me."

One month? Seth wasn't sure what to say. "So that's great, huh? One month! That's awesome. What else did she say?"

"Say? Nothing. She just sent the chip. Yeah. And it's not the first she's ever given me."

"It's not? Seth thought about it. "How many others and where are they?"

"I had them in a cigar box at my old house. I don't know what happened to them. I guess Dawn and AJ took them with 'em. Or maybe they threw them away. They don't mean anything."

Seth agreed but what he said was, "Thirty days, Ryan. Thirty days of sobriety. That's not nothing."

"We'll see," said Ryan. Seth noticed he didn't toss it out but put the chip in his nightstand drawer.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The prayer ended and Dawn walked back to the coffee. She sipped her coffee from the styrofoam cup and looked around.

"Hi," said the lady next to her. "I was wondering if you heard from your son?"

Dawn looked at her.

"I was here last week when you spoke. You said you sent your son your chip. My name is Kathy."

"Oh, right," Dawn said. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you. No, I didn't hear from him. But you know I didn't really expect to. It's not like it was the first time I ever gave him a chip."

"Yeah, it takes time. You have to hang in there and just take it one day at a time. One month is good. You know that, right?"

Dawn looked down at her coffee. "I know. But it's so hard you know?" She laughed. "Well, yeah I guess you do know. Everyone here knows."

Kathy touched Dawn's shoulder and waited for Dawn to look up. "We do know but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. On the day you got your 1 month chip I got my 6 month. My husband baked a cake for me. You are doing good. You're doing the steps? You admitted that you're powerless over your addiction?"

Dawn nodded.

"Well, that's the first step. You know I go to the Wednesday meetings over at St. Luke's. That's a good group. It's a beginners, women only meeting. If you want to come?"

Dawn nodded again. "Maybe."

"I get there early to make the coffee. Maybe I'll see you there. I've gotta run. Bye now."

"Wait," Dawn called. Kathy turned. "It's not a non-smoking meeting, is it?"

Kathy laughed. "No, we pretty much all smoke. Bye."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kirsten immediately noticed the letter in with all the circulars and junk mail. She held it and could feel another chip inside. Another month she supposed. So this was two months for Dawn. Kirsten knew she should be happy for Ryan and what it might mean for him but the truth was something else. Kirsten wasn't sure how she felt. She thought she was concerned that Dawn would drag Ryan back into her life only to let him down again. But that wouldn't make her feel selfish and guilty. And she had to admit she was feeling guilty and selfish. She was afraid to lose Ryan. Afraid for Seth to lose his best friend ever. Not his first friend, but undoubtedly his best friend. Afraid for Sandy to lose the boy who made him feel like the man he wanted to become when he was an idealistic law student. And yes afraid for herself- to lose the boy who she sometimes thought was more hers than anyone else's. That scared her. She had asked Sandy what was it about this boy, Ryan? And Sandy had replied that Ryan was himself as he might have been.

Kirsten knew that wasn't true. Ryan was Kirsten, not Sandy. Ryan kept his secrets and thoughts to himself, as did Kirsten. She had her secrets, secrets she would never reveal to Sandy. She would never tell Sandy about her abortion when she was seventeen. And because she wouldn't tell Sandy, she couldn't explain how she felt she was linked to Ryan. Ryan was her second chance. He was her soul child. It was silly but she thought she could look at Ryan and know at a glance what he was feeling.

Ryan came in to the kitchen and immediately glanced at the counter next to the phone. "You got another letter, sweetie. From the same person. Seth told me it's your mom writing you."

Ryan picked the letter up and felt the chip inside. He put it in his pocket and smiled at Kirsten. He would open the letter later when he was alone. "Yes, it is. She's not really writing though. Just sending me something. Say," he said not even trying to pretend he wasn't changing the subject, "I feel like chips and salsa. You wanna share? And none of that store stuff. I'll make the salsa."

Kirsten was scared to see how happy Ryan was. Please God she prayed silently. Don't let him be disappointed. "Sure I'd love some. Where's Seth. He loves your salsa."

"Right here."

Kirsten jumped. "Don't sneak, Seth."

Seth ignored her and started doing a goofy salsa dance. Ryan laughed and Kirsten smiled at the two of them.

"Seth does love salsa. Salsa, Summer and thee dear Ryan. Get busy."

Ryan held the letter from his mother in his hand. He noted the return address. He knew the area. Run down apartments. Some of them just one room studios with a sink and a shared bathroom in the hall. He imagined his mom in such a place and wished for something better for her. He carefully opened the letter using his pocket knife as a letter opener. He took out the chip with the number 3 on it and placed it with the other two. He thought that tonight he would have no trouble falling asleep.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Summer was surprised to see Ryan in the Hallmark store at the mall. Somehow he didn't seem like the Hallmark kind of guy. Yeah the card kind of guy because really what guy wasn't? But not Hallmark you know. More like the card kind of guy who buys his cards at the Dollar Store.

"Hey, Chino! What are you doing?"

Ryan looked up and smiled. "Looking at cards. Couldn't you tell?"

"Well, yeah I see that. But for who? Whom? I mean what's the occasion?"

Ryan actually blushed. "No one in particular."

"Come on, Chino. Give or I'll sic Seth on you."

"Okay, Summer. Not that, anything but that." He laughed. "It's for my mom."

"Oh, but I thought..." Now Summer blushed. "Aww, I think that's sweet. You need some help? No? Well, I still have a lot of shopping to do and sad to say not much time."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dawn didn't often speak at her meetings but tonight she did. "I got this card from my kid today." She held up a card with a picture of a dog on it. "It doesn't say anything except inside it says Love, Ryan. But he's deep you know. He thinks about things. I think he's telling me he's like this dog--loyal and loving. And you know I've been sending him my chips every month and hoping he forgives me, but I get scared. Cause what if he doesn't? Or what if he does and I'm still a shitty mom even if I'm sober. Yeah, yeah, I know. One day at a time. And when I got this card today? I just really think I can do it. It gives me hope, you know? And he signed it Love, Ryan." She quickly sat down.

Afterwards Dawn was drinking her coffee when a woman approached. "I just want to say I was so moved by what you shared. I wanted to wish you luck too."

"Thanks," Dawn said. "Hey, aren't you Ellen? You're pretty friendly with Kathy aren't you? I haven't seen her lately and wondered where she went. I actually went to the St. Luke's meeting because of her, but she wasn't there. I think I saw you there though.".

"Haven't you heard? Kathy fell back in."

"Fell back in? You mean she's drinking again? Oh, no. But why? What happened? Was it her husband, her job? Or..."

Ellen interrupted. She laughed, not unkindly. "Nothing happened, Dawn. She's a drunk. Like me. Like you. Nothing has to happen for us to start drinking again. Just picking up that one drink." She shook her head. "You've done all that before. What happened to you? When you started again? Did you get fired or did your husband sleep around? Or did you just tell yourself that was why? I've got to run. Maybe Kathy will be back. I hope so. Do you have a sponsor? No? Well get yourself one. Someone who's been in the program for a while. Not me. Definitely not me. A sponsor can help."

That night, Dawn was determined to keep her spirits up. She wrote Trey a long, newsy letter. She wrote her husband, James. She wrote Ryan. She went to the drug store and picked up a romance novel she hadn't read yet. At midnight she called the AA hotline. One day at a time she told herself. And one night at a time. One hour at a time and if necessary one minute at a time. She wanted that six month chip so badly. She'd never gone past four, really only made it one day past three months.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The day had never seemed so long, the teachers had never seemed so boring. Ryan could not wait for the final bell to ring. He rushed to his locker and got out the books he needed for the evening.

"Ryan!" Seth rushed up. "Dude, you wanna go over to the pier and hang out. Summer's going and maybe that new kid Rene, she pretty cute, and Smitty and..."

"Sorry, Seth. I have to go home. I have a lot of work for tomorrow. I have some reading to do and I forgot that lab report is due tomorrow too."

Seth looked suspiciously at Ryan. "Okay, dude, I don't care. A simple no would have done."

Ryan smiled at Seth. "No." He walked away.

Seth gazed after Ryan. Something was up with Ryan. "Seth!" Summer bellowed. "Let's go."

Ryan beat his own personal best getting back to the Cohens. He left his bike by the door and rushed into the house.

Kirsten smiled at him. "Ryan, I didn't expect you so early. You have some mail in the kitchen."

Until the mail arrived Kirsten had not realized another month had passed. She was glad for Ryan when she saw the familiar envelope and felt the round chip inside.

Thirty minutes later Ryan came in and asked to borrow the car.

"I have to run to the card shop," he said. "I won't be long. Is there anything I can get you while I'm out?"

Kirsten's smile echoed Ryan's. Yeah. "You can pick up some milk and some of that cereal you and Seth decided is your new favorite. Take your time." She couldn't resist ruffling Ryan's hair and he couldn't resist accepting the gesture. "I guess a boy can handle two moms who love him," she told Sandy that night. "He deserves double the love, don't you think?"

The weeks passed and Kirsten could see Ryan growing in confidence and assurance. He reveled in the teasing and bantering of the dinner table. The Cohens plus one would linger at the table after the meal, teasing and talking about their day. Kirsten had never been happier and she would have bet that neither had Ryan.

Ryan was pleased that the day was over. He was anxious to get home and check the mail. Six months. He wasn't going to buy a card this time. No, he was going to borrow Kirsten's car and go to Chino. Take his mom out to dinner. He knew Kirsten wouldn't say no. He'd been careful with his money and wanted to splurge on his mom. He thought maybe no one would notice if he picked one of the flowers from one of the pots and took that too.

Seth's chatter was easy background noise as they drove home. Ryan sometimes wished Seth wanted to talk about something other than his and Summer's relationship but not today. He was happy to only have to grunt occasionally.

Ryan and Seth walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, guys" Kirsten said. "How was school? Are you hungry? Rosa made some cookies and please eat them before I do." Kirsten laughed. She glanced at Ryan and saw him looking towards the phone. In horror she looked at the calendar. Oh, God she thought. I forgot. Six months today and no letter. Ryan was pale and she just knew his eyes were filling up. Desperately she said, "Wasn't there a postal holiday last week? It probably threw all the mail off. I know my secretary was complaining today how the mail has been delayed." Her voice trailed off.

Ryan looked at her and she was reminded of the day her mother died. Ryan looked just like what she thought she looked like that day. Like the world had turned instantly into a hostile and barren place inhabited by another species entirely. A place where there had never been a God.

Seth, her bright and kindhearted son, quickly caught on. "Hey, Ryan. Let's take the car, grab Summer and find something to do. I'm bored and need to get out of here. We can play some pool. You've been promising Summer a rematch."

"Nah," Ryan softly said. "I've got some homework to do."

"It's Friday, man! Come on."

"No." Ryan walked out of the room.

Kirsten stared after Ryan. She would give him a little while alone and then she would go to him. Take him some of Rosa's cookies. The tears ran down her face.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Six months! Six fucking months. Well, really the six months was a couple of days ago." Dawn swayed gently on her feet. She looked around at the men and women staring at her. She felt someone's hand on her elbow. It was Ellen. "Damn, lady! Let go of my arm!"

"Come on, Dawn. You have to leave." Suddenly there was someone on the other side of Dawn as well. "You can't stay. Come back tomorrow, okay? We'll be here."

Dawn sat on the floor and smoked her cigarettes and drank her whiskey. She stared at the figure in her bed and wished she could remember his name. Under the bed with her dirty socks and soiled underclothes was a card from Ryan. A beautiful golden retriever was on the outside of the card. On the inside it read, I love you, Mom. Ryan