Thank you for loving me

For being my eyes

When I couldn't see

For parting my lips

When I couldn't breath

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for loving me.

This can't be happening. It just can't.

I watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground, my heart breaking each time they lowered it into the dry, cold dirt, we'd said all we needed to say when they brought his body home, early when we were asked to make a eulogy about him.

My husband, friend, lover, confidant, everything I had ever wanted. God cheated me out of that after three years of marriage and a life time of love; we'd been together since we were sixteen.

I watched as my friends comfort each other, I tried not to cry as I realized there was no one to comfort me. I felt an arm lay heavily across my shoulders as I was pulled into his side gently.

"We all miss him so much, we're here for you, don't shut us out," he whispered into my ear, I nodded to show him I understood his request, "We love you sweetheart, he'd want you to be taken care of,"

I felt the traitorous tear slip from my eye down my cheek, "I know he would,"

I lost my faith in god the day he took him from me, the day he took my heart, my soul; I may as well be dead.

I sure as hell felt like it.

I watched, numb all over as prayer was said, I vaguely remember throwing dirt onto his coffin, then a red rose to signify that he's taking my love with him, wherever he goes.

"He's gonna give them hell up there," my friend smirked looking up to the clear blue summer sky, "Probably trying to charm himself through the gates,"

I laughed tearfully, "I bet he's giving Casanova a run for his money,"

"I ain't bein' funny right, but he was the modern Casanova, I think they were related you know," Allan smiled, thinking of his best friend. After a pause he continues coming, "Kate sends her apologize, but we couldn't risk it, not with the baby overdue,"

I nod in understanding, "He's going to be sorry he missed his nephew enter the world,"

I turn back to the newly made grave, just staring into it, separated from him by a piece of wood, a piece of lame wood that I couldn't get past to reach him when I finally had the breakdown in the church.

He's not the person you loved, just a shell that held his beautiful soul for twenty five years of his life that's the shit that people fed me, the shit that kept them from breaking down.

But he would always be the man I loved, the man I would love for the rest of my life until the day I died, "Come on, we've got a wake to get to," Allan said dragging me softly away.

"I love you," I muttered one last time turning back, before I let Allan lead me to the car waiting to carry us on to the rest of our lives.

I felt like I was looking down n myself, shaking the hands of people who came to wish my husband luck on the last part of his life journey.

"We're sorry for your loss, he was taken from us too soon," one mourner said, before softly hugging me.

I contemplated what she said, "I know he was, thank you," I tried to smile as the next one came to stand in front of me. What I wanted to do was scream at them and tell them all to go away, that he was taken from me.

This was the part I hated, where everyone would gather round and tell stories about his life, about what they shared with him, about the things they would do together, but none of these people knew him, really knew him like I did…like we did.

"I remember when he took me fishing, he fell right into the river and had to travel back wet, getting water all in my car…you know what he said…" The man paused, looking around with a smile on his face, "…He said 'Don't tell the wife, she'd kill me, I only brought this jeans the other day,'" I heard the laughter.

Typical, I rolled my eyes, still to raw to smile.

Another person spoke up, "I remember when we first met him, he bragged about his beautiful wife and how she made a mean lasagna," that earned a few chuckles around the room, I felt as though we should've been around a camp fire, all wrapped in blankets, under the stars.

"I remember the first day we met," I spoke softly, people turned to me, softly smiling, waiting patiently as I licked my lips,

It was a hot day… "Alright beautiful," I turned to see a boy with brown hair, his fringe over one eye, standing cockily.

"Excuse me?" I raised one eyebrow; I wasn't close enough to get a proper look now, as I stopped to face him,

"You heard me…fancy a date?" he called back, his friends snickering behind him, "What's your name sweetheart?"

I shook my head, not bothering to answer as I stalked down the road, already late to meet friends of mine, I felt someone following me, "Don't you ever give up? I've known you for less than five minutes and already I want to hit you," I demanded to know, whirling round to face him. I just about stopped the gasp from slipping between my lips, this boy was gorgeous I couldn't help thinking. His hair did curl at the nape of his neck and it did hang over his right eye sexily a deep rich chocolate brown, his jade green eyes shining at me in pure mischief. I could tell he had a nice physique, even though he was only sixteen at the time.

"Not really," he shrugged, slipping his hands into his jean that hung low on his hips, "I prefer to live life on the spur of the moment,"

I nodded in contemplation, "Marian…" I sighed, "My name is Marian Knighton,"

I watched as he broke out into the most beautiful crooked grin that would bring every single girl to her knees.

"Robin Locksley at your service," he mock bowed taking my hand a kissing it gently"

I paused as I looked at the faces around me, eyes filled with tears, some where even crying, "That was the first time I felt the spark on my skin and it certainly wasn't the last,"

Our relationship wasn't perfect, by all means, we had arguments over stupid things, I remember the first argument we ever had, it was over our new next door neighbor Isabelle Gisbourne.

"Are you kidding me?!" Robin laughed as I confronted him about it.

"Well how do you think it looks when you spend all your time over there, leaving me here, listening to you laughing through the open windows," I yelled throwing my arm out, "You need to sort your priorities out Robin,"

"You are my priority, you have been since we were sixteen for god's sake," Robin roared. "I can't believe you'd think I'd cheat on you. I love you Marian! Not her,"

I blanched, that was the second time he'd told me, the first was at prom, while we were dancing to Aerosmith's I don't wanna miss a thing. Cheesy I know, but it was pure Robin. "I hear her stupid little giggle through the walls at something you say every night, while I lay alone in bed wondering, torturing myself, thinking of what you were doing when everything was silent," I shook my head, I hated sounding like a possessive wife and we weren't even married yet.

"This is stupid Marian, how could you think I would ever cheat on you? When have I ever given you reason to believe that I would?" Robin shouted slamming his hand down on the marble kitchen counter.

I breathed heavily through my nose, trying to calm myself down, "When we first started dating I accepted you were a natural flirt with all the girls, but this is taking the piss,"

"So what now Marian?" he yelled, "…You want me to stop talking to her?"

"If that's what it takes," I shouted, ignoring the knock on the back door, "…Three fucking guesses who that could be,"

Robin sighed hanging his head, before pushing himself off the counter and towards the back door, I stood silently watching him as he swung it open revealing Isabelle, tears streaked her cheeks.

I rolled my eyes, unfuckingbelievable.

"Isabelle…what's wrong?" Robin asked, concern lacing his tone, Isabelle looked at Robin, then over his shoulder at me, she must've noticed my heaving chest and red face.

"Am I interrupting something?" she sniffled, like she was a fucking saint.

"We're done, you can have him now," I said, making sure both of them heard the double meaning in my tone. I knew I was being unreasonable and jealous, but this woman was taking up all his time, we used to do everything together, and now I'd find myself going out alone while he helped her with fixing up her house, but I just couldn't help it.

"Marian…" Robin started turning to face me,

I held up my hand, "I'm going out, I don't know what time I'll be back." I reached for my keys and jacket, not bothering to glance back.

We were both so stupid back then, so young; we thought we could take the world on, if we were together.

"Come on Marian…everyone's left now, let's get you home," Djaq said softly, guiding me to her car, "Will and Allan are just cleaning up, they'll join us later,"

"Thank you Djaq, for organizing the wake, I don't know what I'd do without you all," I stopped suddenly, gathering my oldest and best friend into a tight hug.

"It's what we're here for, Allan's right, you can clean on us if you need help," Djaq whispered in my ear, "You need to get some rest,"

I nodded my head as I let her take me the rest of the way to the car and then home.

RMRM

As soon as I opened the door I was hit with the memories, or Robin running down the stairs late for work, I could smell his aftershave that still lingered in the air. I made my way to the kitchen where I saw Robin leaning on the counter, taking a drink out of his own special cup I brought him for our first anniversary since we've been together.

It was still on the side, waiting to be washed up.

"Marian?" Djaq questioned as I made my way over to the sink, picking it up and holding it to my chest.

"I can't do it Djaq," My hands start to shake, as I try not to drop the mug, "I can't go on without him,"

I shook my head. I just couldn't, I couldn't deal with not seeing him every day, I couldn't deal with the fact that I would never hear his voice reassure me, or his arms wrapped around me at night, the way he'd sing in the kitchen while he helped me wash up.

I couldn't deal with the fact that I would never hear him say I love you anymore.

"I miss him Djaq," I whispered, trying my hardest not to cry, I've been strong so far, not letting many people see me cry, I keep that for the night, because it's so damn lonely.

"I know you do sweetheart, we all do, but he'd want us to get on with our lives," Djaq sighed, coming to comfort me as I dropped down into one of the kitchen chairs.

I laughed shakily, "That's the thing…" I paused, trying to sort through my jumbled thoughts, "I don't think I can,"

"That'll be Will and Allan," Djaq smiled softly as they heard the door open, then voices fill the hallway.

I couldn't help but think about how Djaq still had Will and Kate still had Allan, I hated feeling bitter towards my best friends, who could move on with their lives, start families, while I had nothing to remind me of Robin, nothing to hold in my arms and rock to sleep, only memories, memories that I will keep with me forever.

"Alright, everything's taken care of," Allan smiled as Will followed him through the door, I could feel myself frowning slightly, it's not right, Robin should have followed them in, giving me a cheeky little wink as he came to kiss me lightly in greeting.

I looked around the kitchen; the color theme was entirely Robin.

"I think we should have it green," Robin declared, standing in the middle of the bare kitchen, hands on his hips,

"Green… Are you joking?" I laughed coming to join him; we were still waiting on the delivery men with all out furniture.

"No…"Robin turned to face me, "A nice mint green, or blue…that way I can come into the kitchen every morning and be reminded of your eyes," He grinned as he invited me to step into his arms.

"I see you haven't lost your charm," I rolled my eyes, smirking as I wrapped my hands around his waist.

"You haven't worn me down yet Maiden," Robin laughed as he tilted her head up so he could gently caress her lips with his thumb, before ducking his head and placing feather light kisses on her lips, until it gradually became something more.

"Think about it…" Robin chuckled as he pulled his shirt back over his head, "At least we can tick the kitchen off our list or rooms to be christened,"

I laughed out loud, "And when did we decide on this list exactly?" I pulled my hair back up into the ponytail that Robin had so graciously tugged it out off.

"It's a rule Maiden and rules can't be broken," Robin winked, flashing me that famous Locksley grin.

I looked at the faded mint green paint, he could always get his way so easily, I sighed to myself, catching the attention of the others.

"Everything ok?" Will asked, looking down at her softly,

"Yes…just thinking," I said, looking down at the mug in my hands, the last thing Robin held that day. "You know, Robin chose this color," everyone looked at each other, this was the first time that I'd spoken his name out loud since he died, the first time I'd spoken about him since he died.

"I should go, I don't want to leave Kate for too long on her own," Allan said, rubbing the back of his neck,

"Send her our…my love," I corrected myself, looking down at my ring as I subconsciously played with my wedding and engagement ring.