Hey fellow Twilighters! Okay, I know that other story is about Naruto, but this shows that I am very diverse in my liturature preferences. AAAANYWAY, I am 100 obsessed with this book and am a diehard EdwardXBella fanatic. I've always had a prejudice against Jacob Black, so I decided to step into his shoes for a short while, take a glimpse of what HE felt after Bella chose Edward. Thus, my first oneshot/attempt at understanding the oh-so-stupid actions of Jacob Black. I must say, I like him a lot more now. Hopefully you will too. PLEEEEEASE R&R!! I. NEED. CRITICISM!! yes, I do in fact know how strange that sounded, but it's true, and i've never been one to beat around the bush. ENJOY!! Love you all!!
RaNdOmTwIlIgHtFaNaTiC
My life has been hard.
I'm not complaining. I never expected better. I've always been able to cope with it, be contented, even have fun once in awhile. I made a bunch of friends down in La Push, the town where I've lived my whole life, and let me tell you, they know how to have a good time. They've been here through my whole life, whenever I needed them. Even when I thought we were falling apart, when they seemed to abandon me for Paul, it turned out that we were only destined to grow closer.
Now we're all werewolves together, so close that I often compare them to the brothers that I never had.
All good things must come to an end, though. Ironically, this ending of life as I know it came disguised as a beautiful teenage girl by the name of Isabella Swan.
Ah, Bella. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her.
Today, In particular, she was on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about how that filthy, reeking bloodsucker had torn her apart when he left, then after I spent so long trying to put her back together again, she ran off to save him from a well-deserved death.
Didn't she realize what a wonderful thing that would have been? That disgusting leech, gone forever, never to hurt her again? Even if what she said was true, that he left to protect her, why did he bother coming back? Too bad he can't stick to a decision.
Then again, it's hard for me even now, though I know she knows I love her, to be without her for any length of time. It must've been just as hard for him. But I'm not one to sympathize with a bloodsucker.
And sometimes I get angry at myself, as well.
For starters, I have next to no control over myself. Ever since the transformation, the smallest thing could send me flying into a fury, which resulted in me unintentionally phasing and lashing out at anyone and anything within a 50 yard radius.
No matter what I tried to convince both her and myself of, she was no safer with me than that bloodsucker. Not that I'd ever admit it.
That's why, when she chose him over me, I couldn't bring myself to object. I wanted to, more than anything. I wanted to grab her, hold her to me, and never let go.
I wouldn't care if she struggled. She would be mine. Then I realized how wrong that would be.
If I wanted to prove that I loved her, more than that leech ever could, I had to let her go.
I saw how much pain it caused her, being torn between the two people she loved the most. For whatever reason, she chose to become one of THEM, and spend her immortal life married to that…that PARASITE. I knew this from the day of the newborn fight. That kiss was a last ditch attempt to let her see how much better for her I was.
Obviously, it didn't work. And, irony of ironies, I wound up being forced to surrender any claim to her at all in order to be sure that se would remember me. Like I said before, it's a hard life.
All this was running through my mind as I sat on a sun-bleached driftwood log-the very log we spent so much time on together- with nothing but my old crank-up radio.
Music always had a calming effect on me. I guess that-besides Bella, of course- was the one thing that Edward and I will ever have in common. The thing was, this radio pretty much sucked. It couldn't last more than a few minutes without getting all static-y and me having to crank it up again.
That's why it was no surprise when it went out in the middle of Fall Out Boy's "Thanks For The Memories."
Mumbling angrily to myself, I jerked it off the sandy ground and into my lap, cranking furiously.
When I was finally finished, the DJ was talking. He babbled about someone or something relatively unimportant to me- or really anyone, I suppose- as I gazed into the furiously crashing, steel gray waves of the ocean, hissing, bubbling and churning like a furiously boiling vat of slightly dulled liquid steel, matching almost perfectly with the slowly darkening, pearl gray clouds, threatening rain at any moment.
The anger of the ocean waves set me at ease almost as easily as they did on the most perfect of days. I was jerked back into reality when something the DJ was saying caught my attention.
"Okay, now that we've got our news and information out of the way, we can get back to our 30 minute music hour. Kicking us off, we have Chris Daughtry with 'Used To.' Enjoy! DJ over and OUT!"
Huh. 'Used to'? I knew Daughtry-who didn't?- but I'd never heard this one.
The song kicked off with a guitar solo. The rhythm itself caught my attention. So, having nothing better to do, I settled back to listen as the first verse began.
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me, the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had no where we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular
I blinked. What was going on here? I felt those memories being called back, the ones I tried my best to keep at bay. I tried to fight them off, but they just kept pushing through, finding the weak chinks in the bulwark I had built up in my mind. Finally, I just gave up. What was the point?
We used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt
The nights were clear you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control, we never thought we used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I saw her at my front door. I was delighted to see her- I hadn't since that night at her house.
The reunion between her dad and mine. Back when things were innocent. She just an unavailable crush, her boyfriend just a good-looking guy who my dad seemed to hate for whatever reason.
I hid my shock at her appearance. She was sickly pale and dangerously thin, with dark circles beneath her eyes. Without asking, I knew why she had become this strange, withdrawn unfamiliar person. I knew from that moment that I would be the one to fix her, to stitch up the wound that he had left her with.
I ignored her appearance as we made our way to the shed and she asked me to help her with the bikes.
The memory of those happy days, of our laughter, the stupid comments made, my irrational anger when Quil and Embry arrived unannounced, made my eyes prick. NO. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't. I continued to listen:
I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way
I used to listen, you always had the just right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow, to anywhere in our hearts
We were in the truck as it lumbered along the windy road, on our way to the dump. The time flew, though I wished It would never end. We compared our skills and turned them into years. All this was nothing but a desperate attempt to show her how mature I was, how good I was for her. But she saw it as no more than a game.
We used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt
The nights were clear you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control, we never thought, we used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I stared into her big brown eyes as I told her on Sam's instruction that we could no longer be friends. I watched her sadness, smelled her tears with my new sense of smell, felt her pain rip through my torso. And I just stood there and stared like the animal that I am. I betrayed no emotion- until the end, that is. When she mentioned Quil.
It was then that I decided that I would keep my promise. I would let her know that I cared about her at all costs. I may have been bound by who-what- I was to keep our secret, but I would find a way. And I did. And after I told her, I loved her all the more.
I look around me and I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you, it's empty and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had
So many memories raced through my head that I was only getting flickers.
First, her smiling face when I promised her I'd take her cliff diving. Her unconscious form as I beat the water from her lungs after she tried. Her hesitation in the truck later that day as I hugged her, her thrill and my anger as that black Mercedes was spotted by the both of us, the hot anger that raced up and down my spine as I felt myself begin to phase. Her rage as I hung up the phone, the horror, disbelief, and regret as that fortune-telling bloodsucker told her who it was and the danger that her precious Edward was in, the desperation as I held her back as she tried to leave.
These and many more flashed through my mind, one gone as quickly as the one before, as the tears fell, hot, wet, and salty onto my face, leaving trails that the cold ocean wind quickly turned frigid. As the song continued and more memories flashed, I felt a cold rain start to fall, washing the salt from my face, but leaving the thoughts as fresh as when the music had began.
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
The only one around
We used to have this figured out, we used to breathe without a doubt
The nights were clear you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control, we never thought, we used to know
I felt the slideshow begin to slow, become ever more detailed, as the snapshots grew more recent.
Her horror, rage and disbelief as she realized that I'd ratted her out to Charlie, the look of joy and wild exhilaration as I pulled up to her on my motorcycle, the look of shock on that fortune-tellers face as we screeched away, her angry (though humorously defective) right hook after I foolishly misinterpreted her actions and tried to kiss her. Her slightly regretful smile as she accepted my gift to her, The look of love, shock, and guilt on her face after I kissed her in the clearing.
Then, the most detailed memory yet, her face as she sat with me on my bed and told me that her decision was made, that she could never belong to me, and, worst of all, that she had never had a choice in the matter, how she wanted everything I had to offer, but was bound by fate to another.
Finally, I watched her turn and walk away, using all of my self restraint to not get up, to not call her back. This was the fate she had chosen, and I would prove my love to her by letting her follow this path of her life.
I wouldn't tear her apart anymore, wouldn't force her to chose, wouldn't lament to her about how my heart had been torn into a million pieces, never to be salvaged.
I would offer her the only thing she would take, the only thing she really needed. The confirmation that I loved her and always would, that I would always give her exactly what she wanted, what she would take, and the promise that I'd be waiting in the wings, hoping that things would change.
I felt the song coming to a close as the wind howled and the radio began to crackle from lack of power. I lifted my face into the rain, washing the salt away as the last verse fought through the building wall of static. I stood and stared at the ocean in all it's fury. Everywhere I looked, I saw her face. I was somehow reminded of her and, short of some miraculous bout of amnesia, it would always be this way.
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back? Can we get this back to how it used to be?
Yeah, to how it used to be, to how it used to be
Yeah, to how it used to be, to how it used to be
As soon as the last few words were sung, the power gave out entirely and nothing but static sounded through the gale. I took a deep breath, feeling the air whoosh in and out of my lungs, feeling as if it was the first time I had breathed in a long time.
I finally accepted the truth. I loved Bella. I always would. I would never be able to fully accept the fact that she would never be mine. But I would have to try. I had to remember that she was happy, wherever she was, WHATever she was. That bloodsucker could take just as good care of her as I could, If not better. She would be safe. Only her happiness could be more important than what I want and need.Her by my side.
As I realized this, I also realized that I would survive. Regardless of the circumstances, I would stay strong. For my father. For my brothers. For Emily and Sam. For Charlie.
For her.
Then, without another thought, I stripped off my shoes, took a few running steps into the forest, and phased. I ran as fast as I could. I didn't know where at the time. I just ran from the sadness, believing that if I stopped for even a moment, it would catch up with me.
Only after several hours of running did I realize that I had left the radio, still on, on the beach. Just as well, I caught myself thinking.
Now I saw why Bella didn't like music.