Disclaimer: Sadly they are not mine. I just borrowed them for a bit!
Author's Note: This is just something I had to write after watching "Judgment Day" again. It is my first and, thus far, only NCIS story, and I really enjoyed writing it! And though it shares a name with another story based on the same episode, they aren't the same. I checked before posting! As always, feedback is much loved! Now on with the fic!
The Reality of Acceptance
It's funny how death can make a person think, whether it's someone else's or the certainty of your own. It has a way of putting everything into perspective and bringing a certain brand of thoughts to the forefront. You start to remember things you'd rather have forgotten, and you begin to acknowledge regrets you've always denied in the past. The little things, the mundane, everyday tasks, seem to become increasingly important; and the bigger tasks, the more important things, become nearly impossible. Maybe that's why I haven't told Jethro I'm sick. The fact is, I'm dying, and there's nothing that can change that. Ducky confirmed what I had already feared. Now it's only a matter of time. Interestingly enough, the disease is the least of my worries right now. I made a mistake that one man has already died for. Now, in order to save another agent, I will pay for the same mistake with my life. I might be able to accept that if it weren't for the regrets, but somehow I can't seem to move past them. I was sitting here earlier, looking out the window and talking to Mike. I was trying to put some of those regrets out in the open, but it didn't work as well as I would have hoped.
*Flashback*
"I've made some choices I'm not particularly proud of."
"We all have."
"Even Gibbs?"
"He let you go."
*End Flashback*
Mike's words had cut deeply. More deeply than he could have possibly known. It hurt because Jethro wasn't the one who chose to leave. I was. Walking away from him is perhaps my biggest regret, and the one thing I doubt I could ever find acceptable. I always had this perfect five-point plan, and Leroy Jethro Gibbs had never fit into it. He was a great lover and is an even better friend, and he was the only man I ever truly loved. I couldn't relinquish my life's plan, not even for him. I just couldn't make that exception.
*Flashback*
"Once upon a time I would have asked you to stay, and I wouldn't have taken no for an answer."
"No."
"What happened, Jethro?"
"You made a choice."
"I had to do what was best for me. I still do."
*End Flashback*
That was always my reasoning. I was always saying I had to do what was best for me. In reality, everything I've done, every choice I've made has been to further my career. I've worked my entire life to get where I am today. I am the first female director of an armed federal agency, and what do I have to show for it after all these years? Here I am sitting by myself in an abandoned diner waiting for the people who will likely end my life. I never imagined when I put Jethro's life at stake all those years ago I would get the chance to make up for it, but it looks like I am finally getting that chance. I know the suddenness of my death will hurt a lot of people I care about, yet I know it has to end this way because I can't face the alternative. Maybe it is selfish of me, but I can't stand the thought of losing control of my body and mind, the thought of deteriorating like that. Even so, I'm not certain I'm ready for this. Honestly, I'm terrified of what's coming because I'm facing one of my worst fears. I'm going to die alone. I have no real family to speak of. My parents are both dead, I was never married, never had kids. The closest I ever came to having that life was Jethro, and I wouldn't allow it to happen. I wasn't ready to settle down then, and now it's too late to reverse that decision.
I do have friends, of course. People I work with and care about. Jethro, Ducky, Ziva, Abby, Tony, and Timothy are like family to me, and I know they will be deeply affected by the way I expect this to end. Especially Ziva and Tony. They were supposed to be protecting me, and I know they will most certainly blame themselves for my loss. I'm sorry for the guilt they will be carrying around over this. Then again, maybe that's a lie as well. I'm really only being selfish and cowardly. If I truly cared, I wouldn't be here right now waiting for my life to be over. I tell myself they will come to terms with the loss, that they will eventually forgive themselves; but I think deep down I know that isn't true. I can only hope that Jethro will see this for what it is and forgive them because they don't deserve his wrath. They were only doing what I asked of them. I also pray he can learn to forgive himself because this is far from his fault. Though on the surface I'm doing this to protect him, I have much deeper motives; and I hope he can come to accept that. I also worry for Abby. She has a sensitive heart, and I do regret the pain I will most likely cause her. Tim will be fine. I imagine he will be their rock and voice of reason. He will be the one to take care of them and pull them through. I only hope it will be enough. Of all of them, I think Ducky will be the most at peace with my passing. He knows my fate if I were to live long enough to see it. He'll understand why I had to do this myself, better than anyone; and hopefully one day he can make Jethro understand it as well.
It seems there will be no change of heart now, no going back. I can see the SUV coming down the road, leaving a cloud of dust in its wake; and I know it won't be much longer now. Mike is out back getting water, so it looks as though I'll be fighting this battle alone. It's probably better this way because it will give Jethro less reason to blame Mike for my death. As the vehicle approaches, I recall something I said to Abby only a short time ago.
*Flashback*
"Sometimes things aren't so simple, Abby. Sometimes you can't control the outcome. Sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and accept it."
*End Flashback*
It's certainly true. Nothing in life is ever simple and rarely do you have the opportunity to control the outcome. This fate I have chosen, this decision I've made, was certainly no exception. My reasons for being here are complicated, but this time the outcome won't be. I instinctively know that by the time Mike realizes there's trouble it will be too late. I hear the slam of a car door and the sound of approaching footsteps. I draw my gun and take aim. This is my reality. I've accepted it.