Author's note: This is a Quintis one-shot, inspired by spoilers from 4x15 "Wave Goodbye". Thanks to Gianna (wonderpickle on FFN and AO3) for letting me borrow some of her dialogue and ideas from her fantastic one-shot, "Wanted and Unwanted". I elaborated on some of the conversation I would like to think Happy and Toby would have, considering that it is hard for someone in real life to give up an addiction such as gambling. Please feel free to leave any comments/feedback in the reviews section. Thank you, and happy Scorpion Monday!
"Anger doesn't solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything." ~Anonymous
"Carrying a child doesn't make you a mom. Dropping everything in your life to make sure your child had a good life, [that] makes you a mom." ~Anonymous
Happy still could not believe how she had found her husband and ex-fiancée, trapped in a casket in that crazy woman Rhonda's office. At first, Happy had been pissed off when she had heard that Toby had run off (almost) in secret with Amy. Then, when she had heard how Rhonda tricked Toby and captured him and Amy, her fears and the intense emotions she had felt when Collins kidnapped Toby resurfaced all over again. She couldn't lose him, not then and certainly not now, when their future as best friends, lovers, husband and wife, and parents was at stake.
So, with the team's help, they breached the location where Toby and Amy were kept after solving the (unfortunately for Happy) more important crisis of stopping a one-hundred-foot wave in its tracks. Happy was ready to pull Toby out of that casket, grab him with everything in her, and hug and kiss him like the world was on fire. Instead, the only thing that was flaming hot was Toby's face and neck when Happy caught him and his ex-fiancée mid-kiss. Mind you, it was not all Toby's idea, but despite this fact, Happy was ready to fly off the handle at her husband.
A couple hours later at the garage, after she laid out her thoughts on the matter, the mechanic began to wonder again if Toby actually knew what he had, what he could have missed out on if he had chosen gambling or even Amy over her. He said he was over Amy, that Happy was the only one he would ever want or need, but Happy still wasn't certain about that. She replayed their initial conservation over in her head.
Gently yet quickly, Toby tried for her shoulders again. This time, she allowed his palms to slip over her jacket. As he sighed sharply, she deepened her frown. "What you said to her about feeling unwanted was dead on the money. I know it was wrong, but I was excited that Quincy didn't want her. In a way, it made me feel like I had won. Not because I still love her, but because I lost the competition way back them."
Happy let the similar looks in their eyes twirl to an infinity in the space between. "I get that you wanted to spare me or whatever. But I know you don't love her. It took me longer than it should've for me to realize, but also I know I'm not just what you settled for. You should've told me."
"I know, Happy. I know. I'm sorry." Toby bit his lip. "I was just…glad she could experience what I did. All that loneliness. I think I wanted to help so badly because I could see how miserable she was up close. But I don't want you ever to feel like that, okay? I am always, always right here, and trust me, I wish I'd been locked in that coffin with you. Because you're all that I've ever wanted, and all I will ever want, and you can't let anything, especially this, make you think differently."
And with that, she had turned around and walked back to her desk, wondering she could believe Toby when he said she was all he ever wanted or needed. Happy loved him, yes, and she would move heaven and earth to find him, be with him, love him and care for him until her dying breath. However, just because you love him doesn't mean you can trust him, Happy thought to herself. It was like a friend of hers once told her: her friend Léa's mom said she would love her daughter but that didn't mean that she trusted her daughter enough to be around her and depend on her. Léa said that had been a bit of a wake-up call for her to take stock of her surroundings, her character, and her actions, and begin to change how she treated other people. For people like Happy and Léa's mom, actions speak louder than words.
Happy had been shuffled around all of her life. She had not had a real home or family till she met the team and Toby. With this new chapter in her life, her marriage and the possibility of a family, Happy's priorities had changed. With her mom gone and her dad out of her life for now, she could not let something like a gambling addiction or an ex – hers or Toby's – come between her and this new life she had for herself. She needed to make sure Toby understood how serious she was about this warning: she could not be the consolation prize, second-best, the silver medal in this grueling, insane competition that was her life. She and her future, her children, had to be first, or else she would walk away without a second glance.
With this new resolve, she turned away from her current welding project and walked over to Toby's desk. He looked up from the journal he was peer-reviewing, a smile growing as he watched his wife walk towards him. "Hey, sugarplum, what's up? You ready to go?" he asks genially.
"Not quite," she responds tersely. "But I do need to talk to you. Can we go outside for a sec?" With a nod in reply, he got up and followed his wife outside, wondering what sort of topic needed to be discussed. Walt, Paige, and Ralph were out to dinner; Cabe was with Allie at his apartment; and Sly was in his office at the back of garage, working on a project for his position as alderman for West Altadenia. Once the door to the garage shut behind them, she turned around to face her husband. With one glance at her defensive stance, legs spread, arms crossed, Toby knew his beloved wife meant business. He thought they had resolved the issue with Amy earlier…but looking at his wife's defensive stance in front of him, Toby figured he was wrong in that vein of thought.
"Listen, you stupid dummy," she began. Wow, Toby thought, I don't think she's called me that in months. Okay. I need to listen to this.
"They say your childhood is supposed to be the most joyful time of your life: carefree days in the summer, kicking a ball in your backyard, having a popsicle from the local ice cream truck, running through the playground at the local park with your friends. No, that joy was never a reality for me. Instead, my childhood was dark, full of pain, and traumatizing." As she spoke, Happy's eyes had grown darker and her voice was several octaves higher, indicative of how hard Happy was trying to hold back the tears Toby could hear in her voice.
"In the foster care system, when something bad happens, you are told it is your fault. A family heirloom breaking in the hallway as you walk by; the soup burning on the stove as you sit there doing your homework, even though you had been told never to touch the stove unless your foster mother was around; when your foster dad tells you you are pretty and tries to come in your room after your foster mother has fallen asleep, to "read you a storybook" or something of the like…" At the mention of this, Happy's voice falters. Toby sees the tears forming in his wife's eyes. All he wants to do is wipe the silent tears away, take Happy into his arms, and never let her go. For years, he had suspected that Happy had been the subject of some sort of abuse, but he could never ascertain to what degree of abuse Happy had been subjected to. From what little she spoke of her childhood, he knew she was a fighter, but the doctor was afraid that those encounters left a deeper scar on her soul than she was willing to admit. However, Toby feared that that she will shut down if he moves a muscle, so he remained still as Happy resumes her monologue.
"You are one of the smartest people in the world, but you can be a real idiot. My mother died in childbirth. Because of complications, because of me existing, I killed one of the two people in the world who were supposed to love me and protect me. My dad, he tried, but in the end, he thought he only had enough strength in him to leave me with the nurses at St. Luke's when I was two. Abandonment, loneliness, and detachment were norms in my childhood…but for my kid, that is never going to happen.
"You thought at one point your gambling was a positive? Well, do you think that running off with your married ex-fiancée is the best idea? Toby, you are one of the smartest people I have ever met, but your actions today were borderline stupid. Even though you said you were only trying to help her, your subconscious saw it as a game – a dangerous game, one that I will not let myself or my kid be subjected to. Remember when I said how a foster kid is told it is their fault that something bad happens? Well, for years, I thought it was my fault my mom died; I thought I was to blame when my dad left me at St. Luke's; I never considered any other circumstance other than one of my own doing when my foster parents did not want me and gave me back to the state to deal with. The fear and rejection I felt then and the dread and panic I experienced when you had been kidnapped – they are nothing compared to the fear, surprise, and uncertainty I had when I realized not only you were with your ex, but you were in the midst of a gambling den…" Happy closes her eyes for a moment to regain her composure. After a few deep breaths, she opens her eyes, staring into what Toby felt was the depths of his soul as she continued.
"I have had the rug pulled out from under me more times than I can count. I love you and would move heaven and earth to come and find you. But, I want you to remember this – if you do anything to recklessly endanger our child, whether it be gambling or something of the like, know that I will walk out that door and never come back. You mean more to me than anyone else in this world, but if I have a helpless child depending on me, I will not be the parent that abandons that child. I will never let my child wonder if their parent is coming home tonight, if they'll have to walk home from school alone, if they must fend off predators and monsters in the night… Never will I let my child, my baby, go through that, and that is what could happen if you fall back into the rush and high of gambling, of a competition with an old nemesis, of watching your ex-fiancée suffer from abandonment and loneliness with a sick sort of pleasure that your subconscious craves. I will never let my child go through that, and if you think that you can continue with any of this behavior that I saw today, you can walk out that door and never come back."
By this point, the rage and passion were evident on the mechanical engineer's face. Happy's cheeks were flushed pink, her nostrils flaring with each heavy inhale and exhale; her hands were at her side, clenched into fists so tight that her nails were cutting into her skin and drawing blood. Happy's normally-chocolate brown eyes were red, black mascara lines smearing her face from the silent tears she cried as she released the pent-up anger, rage, and stress she felt. It stemmed not only from the day's events but from the long, winding path the couple had walked to marriage and now trying to have a baby. Toby had promised to love and cherish her, to be with her in sickness and in health till death do them part. However, for children like Happy whose emotional and physical scars and pain ran deep, actions spoke louder than any word ever could.
With this, Toby did the only thing he needed to do in that moment: he took his wife into his arms, laid a gentle kiss to the top of her head, and held her as tight as he possible could. For a moment, Happy resisted, but she soon stopped fighting. In the moment she stopped fighting his embrace, the dam broke. Happy's shallowed breathing and occasional whimpering turned into gut-wrenching sobs. The mechanic tucked her head into Toby's arms as she released months of pent-up stress, worry, and anguish.
As he held his wife in the dusk of the winter evening, the street lights around the garage casting a soft glow on the couple, Toby made a promise to himself: Happy would never again feel like second-best. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he would be damned if he let her get away.
His heart ached at the mere thought of Happy leaving him. However, the doctor knew from past conversations that she would not stay around if he put something like gambling above the value and importance of their marriage and future children. Toby could beg and plead for her to stay with him, but if walking away from him meant keeping their children safe, she would do it. This fierce love and protection made him fall even more in love with her, and Toby silently promised to himself and Happy that he would do everything in his power to be the parents that their parents were not. Their home would not be pieces of a broken mess, but one filled with love, laughter, and hope for a bright future. No, Toby told himself as he lay another soft kiss on his wife's head, I will not be that man who is not his family's rock and protector. I will be there for Happy, for our kids, and I will be damned if something like gambling or Amy stands in my way.
"Marriages last because two people make a choice: to keep it, to fight for it, and to work for it." ~Anonymous